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The.Sage [Xacks Wifie]



Last Updated: 1/4/2010

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Gender: Female
Status: Married
Age: 20
Sign: Pisces

City: GREEN BAY
State: Wisconsin
Country: US
Signup Date: 6/26/2004

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Thursday, December 17, 2009 4:02 PM

Current mood:  groggy
Basically I drempt that Belles Little brother was being Neglected. I was in a real and unchanging place, unlike all the dreams where scenes fade away and then come back again. Jake Was here, so was Katrina (synonymous with disaster, just throwing that out there.)and Marcus they're son.  They drove to Wisconsin, I don't know what they came for. Jake was doing god knows what outside the car, and Marcus was crying inside, unprepared for Wisconsin weather, so I crawled through the piles of crap in they're full-size van, to get to Marcus who was crying. I took him out of the Van, and Dressed him, Socks, shoes, hat, jacket, and pulled his pant legs down to cover his legs. and when after I had clothed his son I offered Marcus to his father, and Jake walked away, didn't turn back and kept walking. I took Marcus in Xack's car, and began to drive. I got to a stop sign, and Alex was in the cross walk, gave me a funny look, Smile-nodded at my impeccable ability to drive a stick, and walked on.  I went a block more with Marcus and I, and there was Katrina and Jake. I stopped there, and Brought Marcus to his mother. she took the boy, and Her Eyes welled up with tears, she looked at me, and said "you actually care about us" she held out her fist as a friendly gesture and I reluctantly tapped it back. Turned from her to look at a spring day. and asked "where did the snow go?"
Fin.

Never have I felt so much hatred within a dream.
 
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Wednesday, October 07, 2009 1:03 AM

Love is such a silly word.
Yet I would Gladly Die for My Love.
I've Been Upset by something.
Childishness, egotism, and lust, all accumulated in one person.
Xack has always been My husband.
in my heart I knew that he was for me, always.
even if at times my head disagreed with me.
Through the times that I told myself, no, my Heart loved him in secret.
there are a million things that one would like to take back.
the words 'I love you' when I didn't really mean them, and the times when I believed you.
it's hard to say I wish I could go back to the time before I was broken
because being broken gives opportunity to be put together as something better
yes there might be faults that weren't there before, but you are still greater after trial than you were.
I've chosen a path that has more trial in it than yours.
but that's what I've always wanted.
I wanted things to be harder, the Trial, and the challenge.
you can see what I have as Ideal
or you can see it as an imprisonment.
either way it's what I've chosen for myself, and what it is, is determined by me.
I am not thwarted by my inner child, my lust, or my charisma.
I am truly free in my decision
and the only thing that seems to imprison me is you.
you assume that you determine my fate and my faithfulness.
in the past I loved you
lingered in your bittersweet words
and hung on what I thought was your truth
only to find myself lost and fallowing the silver tongue of a boy who knew the way no better than myself
in a twist of plot I found a path far more painful the paths I've wondered before
but by grace it intersected with the one path leading to real truth.
and While you are Still lost taking the most aesthetically pleasing route.
I have a family, a home, a hope, and a husband who loves me more than your stone heart could possibly imagine
Why hang on to it?
the seasons of your friendship has passed
I've grown into a completely different breed than you.
and I now have a gardener who will tenderly care for me.
the vine in which you are was always meant to be severed from the flowers in their garden's.
and as large as you may grow, and as strong as you can be.
I would rather be tamed and pruned.
and to benefit the Gardener i will kiss his face, as my lord I cherish him.
he who provides. my eye does not wander.
in the safety of his court and his pleasure.
I am The Gardeners Wife
His Help Meet
that to fill the void in his Chest.
to bare his fruit
and to be his refuge in storm.
Why should I have to say the words that we both knew
That I've said in simpler words?
Why is it you thrash against the current situation?
It has already been finished.
The battle was won, and The victor has my loyalty
and even in absence he will retain it.


 
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009 4:17 AM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009 2:46 AM
what do I do when I want the world to slip away from me compleatly
when i don't desire anything
I don't desire man nor woman.
and Tragety over help.
i don't want food or sleep
home or love.
hope or comphort.
I thought a thought and once I had
I desired death.
I've never desired death before.
but I saw a potential that I wanted to uproot.
no ones help will lift me.
no ones embrace will warm me
no one in they're right mind should reach out to me
a want to leave.
I want to leave this world with out me.
I asked my God to take me.
Maybe the job I was given was a mistake.
and accedent. '
I'm in over my head, and I don't want to be pulled out of the water.
my happy places have left me.
let me go away.
 
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Thursday, May 28, 2009 12:57 PM

Category: Dreams and the Supernatural
I've drempt about rome twice, I drive accross the counrty side, I sight see, i take tours, I see beautiful glorious things, few and far between I see down right strange things (it is a dream anything can happen), I saw a whiale roll down a hill into the ocean, and elephants right be hind it. My mom and I swam with elephants in the ocean last night. I asked questions, I got answers, it was fluid, not a dream where everything has action, it took time and walking to get places, the breze hit your face and the sun warmed you, physics was all aroud me.  the skylines were beautiful, and I've never been to rome so everything was out of order, but the only thing out of place was a large cartoon of a tuxido, and that everything was half under water, you could walk out to then on partialy submerged docks.
now to the ending.
My mom, My dad and I were in a paved coartyard, it was a square, but there were stone paved walkways that would go off into the ocean, as well as somewhat random stone buildings and steps. a car sped past us on our left side and spun sideways and slid at a 90degree angel under the chained gate of a closed off area with stairs. behind it there was akiller whale, chained to the car and being flung mercilessly behind it.
my mom and day departed and sightsaw with in eyes view. then there was man standing on a wall, he's killing seals. he has two "guns" for lack of a better word, they shoot what looks like a red bouy attached to a long projectable chain, it's ment to fly out in a direction wrap around a seal's neck, then shock and strangle it, and it you accompany that with whipping the chains around, it would kill the seals it was designed to capture.  My parents wouldn't stand for this. my mother was on one of the stone paths, the bouy-chain things shot out around her and captoured several seals about her. then she called out, she called out to the man, and he took her, the red sylinder wraped around my mothers neak, and she was jerked back to it oregin, my dad watched and as the second gun was fired at another animal, and he jumped in front of it. He and my mother were draged and whiped around te entire coart yard, splattering blood on walls, steps, and the stone paved ground. I saw him, the man, punnishing my parents for they're futile attemt to stop him. My parents bled out on the ground, just like the seals had. everything became black and white and the first time glitch in the dream was to when the blood had dried, and they scrapped my parents blood from the streets of rome.

then I awoke.
no big deal, back to life, exept that I had this dream twice.

 
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Monday, April 27, 2009 4:44 AM

Current mood:  blessed
Category: Writing and Poetry

sometimes the fear of being over shadowed or over thrown keeps us in the dark of what we can really be. sometimes the burden of love chains us to what we thought we always needed, and not the perfection around the corner.

I'm not just In love, I'm stuck in love. I see love in degree's
alot of people are in water love, they are really wet, they are covered in it, they can't ignor it and everyone else can see it on you. however eventualy it will dry up and you and everyone else will forget.

there are two kinds of ice love, one you are at the serfice laying on it, trying with all your might to get into it just a little and all you are doing is getting colder. two you are in it, still wet, you'll still dry eventualy, but it's colder than hell in there, and the water is unmerciful.

I'm in Jello Love, jello love you have to work for and go through some steps. the first part has to be realy really hot, and then you have to mix things in and let it jell. I'm  pretty well in there, Like Pineapple, I'm not going anywhere, it's kinda hard to breath sometimes, but It's gooshy everywhere and over all pretty comfhy, I'm stuck, and even if it got really hott and all this jello melted it would still stain my clothes and skin after I got out.

but i didn't start this to make that point I started out wanting everyone to know that I want to be in Xacks shadow, I don't need the spotlight nor do I want it. everyone I know has told me I was georgeous, or pretty, or beautiful, or talented, and I don't care, at the end of the day if he doesn't love me, I'm with out hope and faith, forsaken and undone. 

I'm at the oven door knocking, it open's tomorrow, and it's going to be hot enough to melt this jello, and My only hope is to pray.
so far all the heat has been in my head, and I know that tomorrow it's real. I know that the one thing that's been keeping me cool so far is going away. the one thing that's been keeping the love of mylife safe is leaving him, that is what keeps me up at night, not that my bed is cold.

 
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Thursday, January 01, 2009 9:58 PM
Lord, Help. I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what I'll have to face. This Guy Right behind me I love him, and  I pray that you might make him to be usable for you. And for me that I might grow, that you could mold me into what I need to be for him.
 
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Tuesday, November 11, 2008 11:08 AM

I know what get's me in trouble, and I hate it about myself.
the second i saw it, it sickened me.

But AIM... Tons of trouble.
Facebook... Bad.
Myspace... Meh, redeamable, I like that mobsters.
Deviant... thats good.
Human pets, chatrooms, sickening.

but I know about them. and i know how to get what i don't want.

 
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Thursday, November 06, 2008 11:49 PM

Really Crabby.
I don't care who's the frik'n President.

I want to rant, and bitch, and complain... and do something vengefull.
on the other side of that coin I want to sleep... and not wake up.
I want to not see my kids for a week, I want to not have anthing to deal with or look at or care about, I want to not feel like vomiting.
Girls suck.
Work Sucks.
I love you Babe, but right  now I think you suck.
It's a momentary thing... over all I don't think you suck... please don't hold that agenst me.
Dr. Who sucks.
Zak, I hate yur face. 
I hate mine.
I hate clothes.
Food hurts.
Time Sucks.
Me, this right this second, I suck!
Kids, yeah they suck too.

Everyone fucking bailed. Not for ever, but for one night, and I realized how few people I have. I don't like making friends, I don't like playing nice, I feed off hating people... and I hate all the people that had what I have. It's easier for me to hate them than it is to hate the people that have what I once had.

I need a hobbie.
I need space.
I need You.
I need an Hour, I need a Day, I need a week...

I need the little white room.

It's not the first time, and it will never be the last time. I want to vomit on life.
I want to run through the foggy day untill I'm so consumed by nothing that it hurts.

Tune in next time when we talk about sex.

 
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Tuesday, August 19, 2008 4:40 AM

Category: Writing and Poetry

This girl, this frail creature, broken, trampled, neglected, and unglued. Stepped in to the road of male and female interaction. Unwillingly, unprotected, she walked while danger was on the other side of the boulevard, she skipped as she neared the ally, pranced until the moment it swallowed her. In it's shadows her cries echoed, but no-one heard, not even him. Blind. In rage and in lust, any word she said meant nothing. It was over just as soon as it had begun. The girl walked from the scene, but was fallowed. She was fallowed by the same shadow that had sought and did engulf her. She marched forward. From the outside a calm like none other was upon her, an at-ease-ness. But her stomach wrenched. The bile welled up in her throat, and her eyes stung, the second before the tears fell could only be measured in hours as she walked instep with the felon who, stripped her of her opinion, molested her values, and left her barren of hope. Avenge? she can't. without a sword, or shield she can only walk past again. Step by step she nears it. She slows her steps to delay what she knows has to come eventually. She grips the wall as she gasps for the last free breath she knows is for her.
"turn back"
ok, she turns. The shadow behind her, the solder before her. He speaks again, his harsh words ever flowing, were cool waters of relief. As this girl was pulled by the shadow to the cove of despair. She reached out, she clung to the knight, lingered almost. cheek to cheek with him, holding hope itself in her arms, holding the tears back for longer than she ever thought she could, she held you, loved you, needed you, called your name as shame pulled her under for another round.
If you knew would you be able to live with yourself?

 
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