Back home......Thousands of miles away from my love and all of the memories still shifting through my head. Some people go on vacation to escape. They travel to see new sights, new experiences, landmarks, unique areas. That's why some wouldn't understand that I only saw one attraction while in London. I traveled the distance to experience a week of a normal relationship. So many others let simple trivialities of the common romantic relationship tear apart the very foundation of what makes them and their significant other whole. Little arguments, bitch fits, money, sex, bad tempers flare, and "love" crumbles. That's why I feel lucky. I have experienced all of those things before, but now I don't experience any of it. Some never cherish the little things in life. You cherish the most when you have the least. People who are never alone are the ones who usually get caught up in trivialities. I try to use that thinking to justify some good out of what I am currently going through. Thinking that the distance will make us stronger, and to prove to the rest of the world that it is possible. Yes I believe that, and I think it has. I see it when we are together. I see it in others, when I see the flaws in them that we don't have. We aren't flawless, but we stand well to others I see often.

It was beautiful just living 6 days together like we would if we were here together. There aren't many more things I could have done that would have made me feel better. Even though I had to stay at a hotel, it was wonderful having her come to my door every morning shortly after 9, as if I was at home and she was coming to spend the day with me around my home. Again, it was the little things that felt the greatest. Some of the little things that people would write off as unexciting and uninteresting. But we both loved the feeling of going to the grocery store together and buying some food and drinks for her house while I stayed in Nottingham, it made us feel for a brief moment, that we were actually living together. Her cooking dinner at her house was another feeling of togetherness that brought us closer to a feeling of being together at the ultimate level. We did some other more traditional things; we went to the movies, rented a movie, and even went to some art galleries which was unusual. The final day in London; our chance to see some tourist attractions. Some people go to London with this main purpose in mind. We would have liked to have seen more than just Buckingham Palace, but we were cherishing the last moments of being together, and walking all over wasn't really in us that day. Back in Scotland we were able to contain our emotions until we left each other. It was more difficult in London. She started to break down first, and I was holding up until I heard her say "I don't want you to leave", and it made me lose my hold on my emotions. Parting at Victoria Station was the hardest experience I think I have ever had with someone. I didn't want to let go, we were both so emotional and I wanted to be irrational, I wanted to bring her back with me, I wanted to never leave her side, but I knew there was nothing I could do, and as I watched her disappear from my view, all I could do was cover my face and walk back to my hotel, knowing it would be another half year until I would get to feel her touch again. I actually think I took it worse when I left her in Scotland. Leaving in London, at least I know I've been through this before. It still isn't much consolation.

And I can still feel lucky, knowing that I have someone who loves me endlessly. I loved my week in England. Some wouldn't have felt it to be such an amazing impact. I can think of people who it would have been boring for. But I wish everyone could feel what I felt when I was just living life with her. The utmost happiness that comes from just being in the presence of your loved one, a feeling that can get lost over time, but that should never die. And certainly, one that will never die on me.

"Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon"

I suppose I should catch up on some important things of recent happenings.
I am sure many important things have happened, but I will focus on what is most important to me.
So I will refrain from the Packers 0-3 start, I will stay mute on my classes and the fact that I seem to have difficulty concentrating and focusing my efforts on anything, I will forego discussing anything to do with Green Day that doesn't pertain to my story, I will leave out ooh's and ahh's over Yellowcard's new single, I will keep my mouth shut on how great Family Guy and American Dad is, I will not be commenting on the Boston Celtics and their new improvements, and I will not be raving about NBA 2K6 or the fact that Grand Theft Auto is still pissing off small minded people. I won't even get into how much Bush sucks and how I think Christopher Walken is shaping up to be the best movie star candidate ever (yes he is better than Ronald Reagan).
With all of that being said...

A little less than a year ago, my dad was visiting with a few of his friends from Malone. One of his friends, Peter, was encouraging him to sign up on match.com, claiming that it had been wonderful for him. My dad, figuring it was worth a shot, created a profile and began searching. He met up with several women over the first couple months, none that really fit what he was looking for. But there was one woman who he did end up becoming quite attracted to. Her name was Carol. They hit it off very well, and they began seeing each other exclusively. As all happy stories go, things continued to improve for them and once they reached their 6 month anniversary, my dad proposed to her. So they are now engaged, and our housing is still separate. There is no date set for the wedding, it is still far away most likely (and so are the living arrangements). My dad owes Peter for getting him started on match.com. Now that those tidbits are out of the way...

Carol has two of her children living with her, Amanda who is 15 (soon to be 16) and Geoff who is 17 (I have no fucking clue when his b-day is). I get along alright with both of them, although we are quite different and therefore aren't very close. I talk to Amanda on-line sometimes, she is so hard to get a read on that I have no clue what she truly thinks about me (thinks I'm great, hates me, or somewhere in between, who knows?).

Since I talk to Amanda on-line, at the beginning of the summer I began talking to her best friend that would come over to her house. Her best friend's name is Shona. Shona would get on Amanda's screen name and talk to me when she would go over. I first saw Shona when she came over to Amanda's house when I was there, but they left as soon as she got there, so we never spoke or were even introduced. I could usually tell if she was talking to me on-line on Amanda's screen name just by the way she typed to me. Like I said, Amanda is very hard to read so she can be rather not talkative at times, but Shona was always very talkative (and I mean that in a very good way). Despite her propensity for being very into conversation with me on-line, we still did not say a word to each other when Shona came over to my house for the 4th of July with Carol, Amanda, and Geoff. I was rather upset at Amanda when they came over which was my reason for not being social, and Shona is a very shy person also. Shona is originally from England so she went over there this summer to be with her dad for a while.

My first impression of Shona wasn't exactly a very impressive one. She came off as being someone who was oblivious to the dangers that exist in the world, and also as someone who would get themselves killed just by being too careless. But I didn't stop talking to her for this reason: although my first impression wasn't good I still enjoyed talking to her very much, I found her to be interesting and I loved the way she communicated. Once she arrived in England, she imed me on her own screen name which she had created while over there. I was impressed by the fact that she had remembered my screen name well enough to im me over there. We began talking more and more, and I was just amazed at the conversation ability we showed together.

Most people that I talk to on-line can not carry on a conversation at all, and very few are worth talking to on a daily basis. Some people you talk to only respond with "lol" and "haha" and never offer anything of substance. Granted, I use those abbreviations but I always try to add some actual thought into my typing. And nearly everyone has those quiet moments on-line, where you and the person you are talking to can not think of anything to say and there is no typing. That has never been an issue between me and Shona. We always have something to say to each other, and it is an amazing feeling to be that connected with someone.

We seemed to becoming closer friends after a short period of time, then something unfortunate occurred. I don't care to get into detail about what happened, but it was something I was sure Shona would hate me for since it is typical of people in general to do as opposed to logically thinking the issue through. But instead of hating me forever, she surprised me yet again and simply asked for my explanation. Most people wouldn't have cared, but she wanted to hear what I had to say and hear things from my point of view. I was so amazed by that. I seriously think that is when I fell for her. She showed so much maturity in that instance and it still impresses me to this day. We hadn't really done much flirting up to this point, and any slight feeling I had for her were quickly dismissed by me since I figured she would never like me. So maybe I would have fell for her eventually anyway, but that moment sure sped up the process. We began to flirt more and more, and we could both tell that we would soon be together. She called me on my birthday and we talked for a half an hour, which was so incredibly wonderful. It was so soothing to hear her voice, and I found her accent to be very attractive. We talked every night, and every night was simply heaven.

She flew back home at the end of August, and we got together the following day for slightly over an hour. I had wanted to ask her out in a certain fashion, I wanted to take her out to eat and then take her to a vacant area and dance to a song, and kiss her for the very first time followed by asking her out after the song. Well due to time restrictions I couldn't do the whole plan, but I did want to do the important parts. So, I picked her up and we drove to the vacant lot on the Plattsburgh base, I parked my car and we both got out, I turned on my CD player to Waiting by Green Day and we danced to the song. Actually we were swaying more than we were dancing but the feeling was indescribable. Then, at the point where the song breaks down to just Billie Joe playing the guitar, I looked into her eyes and told her that I loved her and then we kissed as Billie sang the words "I've been waiting a life time for this moment to come, I'm destined for anything at all". We continued to kiss for the next 6 songs, with a slight pause at the end of the first song when I asked her out. We had a car honk as it drove by while we were kissing, and not even the rain fazed Shona. We got in the car when we were ready to leave, and I came close to her. She had told me while she was in England that she always wanted to be with a guy who she could look into his eyes and see that he loved her for her and not for her body. I looked her straight into the eyes, and I asked "Can you see it?" Her eyes darted back and forth between both of my eyes for about three seconds, then a huge smile appeared over her face and she nodded her head.

We saw each other every day for about the first 8 or 9 days. Pretty impressive considering she wasn't supposed to be seeing anyone and we couldn't let her mother find out about us. Her mom is a complete wacko, and that is putting it lightly. I don't want to get into any major details here simply because I am not sure Shona would want me doing that, but let me simply say if the woman was drowning I would step on her hand and say "you deserve worse than this for what you did to her". We were able to sneak around her mother quite well, although I had a feeling it was only a matter of time before we got caught. I also didn't want my dad or Carol to know about us since I knew they wouldn't approve of us dating. But they did eventually find out, and Carol made things a lot better for me by easing my worries by being so understanding and by helping me by giving notes I had written to Shona.

Sadly, Shona's mother has treated her so badly that Shona has decided to go back to England to live with her father. It was such a hard decision for her to make, but I kept encouraging her by saying that it is the best choice for her, because it is. No one should have to put up with what she was dealing with. And I told her that no matter what, I will be here waiting for her when she gets back. She wants to go back to England, become emancipated and then work on getting a visa to come back to the US. I looked into it and it seems pretty shaky. There is a chance it could work but then again, it could very well not work. But she needed to take the risk. And I know how perfect things will be once she can get back, no matter how long it takes. Amanda and I have already had short discussions on possibly going to see Shona in England in the future, because both of us with have it extremely hard losing someone so close (my girlfriend, her best friend). I have tried to get through these recent times by looking foward to the positives, those being that it gets Shona away from the hell hole she was in, and the fact that I will now get to talk to her on a daily basis again. I would rather be with her, being able to see her and touch her, but I love talking to her on-line too. Before she left, I gave her a ring and a note to remember me. The ring got plenty of comments at school before she left (all good I hope hehe).

It is scary to think I will be without her for so long now, but I realize that I won't really be without her. She is in my heart, and as long as I have hers then we will always be together. She is worth waiting for, I know she is. As she once said to me, "I could have waited a thousand years and you'd still have been worth the wait." Sometimes a member of a couple goes off to war, and there is a period of time before they come back. Sometimes situations call for members to be apart for an extended period of time. If people can do it, I know we can too. She is the only one I want. She is the only one I need.

I am so happy I have you in my life Shona, you are everything to me. No matter what, I will be waiting for you. I love you with all of my heart.



........ohh, and thanks again Peter. I owe you one as well.



Current Mood: happy, sad, and loved all at once

Current Music: Green Day- Wake me up when September ends

I was originally going to make this an away message, but it ended up exceeding the character limit and I couldn't cut it down enough. So I figured, I might as well bitch here...

yeah, it bothers me when I think about it. How many friends I think I have, to the amount I really do have. Do you ever stop to think of all the people you talk to, that say nice things about you, but don't really give a shit? The people who say they think the world of you, but wouldn't even say a word to you if they saw you in public? The people who say that you are one of the nicest people he/she knows, but yet never wants to spend any time with you? The type of person who you would stay up all night talking to, help resolve any problem of their's, but yet they show no graditude for what you do for them? The person who you try to help through hard times, but chews your head off when they get in a pissy mood? Yes I see it all the time, in almost every person I know. It probably explains why I am so cynical all the time. When that description partially or completely describes more than 90% of the people you know, is it really surprising? Even worse, is when you would burn your ass for someone that doesn't even talk to you that much at all. Plenty of those people out there too. This whining bitch rant has a good ending though, or at least it might. I think I have found someone who doesn't fit into that description, someone who will genuinely care about me, someone who wouldn't simply say hi in public but someone who would be close to you in public, someone who would be grateful that someone else cared so much for them to help them through hard times, someone who would mean it when they say they want to spend time with you, someone who would never take for granted the things you do for them, and can always have something to talk to you about. At least I hope I have found someone that perfect.

I love you sweetie

Is that really you?
What could be stranger than seeing you tonight?
Where did all the neglect go?
That neglect you gave and now you question me

Did you bury that leash that was attached to his throne?
Or did you burn it at the cross that was your own?
Did you find yourself or did you find your prison?
It’s been so long I thought you had died (at least in my state of mind)

It’s so nice to see you here
But the most heartfelt words can’t be sincere
Now stop trying to be the person that you used to be
Way back when you used to be free

Did you bury that leash that was attached to his throne?
Or did you burn it at the cross that was your own?
Did you find yourself or did you find your prison?
It’s been so long I thought you had died (at least in my state of mind)

I never had the chance to thank you for the past
But that’s all dead and the shadow’s cast
Now the rain will fall and wash away
All the kindness that was once portrayed

The leash burned to ash in the flame
As the coil broke off his throne
You are now different but I remain the same
I still walk these streets alone

I said that I would live for you And you made sure that I would I said that I would bleed for you And you made sure that I would I said that I would die for you And you made sure that I did The blood stains red, once again It never made much sense To why we die for things That only come at our expense The words I long for, I'll never hear My ending is finally crystal clear It's flowing faster throughtout the slit My actions and words make me a hypocrite A cut too deep turned scarlet red My soul mate left as my body bled But a corrupted soul has no bounds From above the sky to below the ground Depression, insomnia, and rage Are preventing another page...

1. Are you afraid to fly? no, although I do have a tendency to get stuck next to some annoying person who I want to stab in the eye 2. What's your least favorite smell? Josh after a can of Bush's 3. Tacos or Eggrolls.. tacos any and every day, I don't like eggrolls. bleh 4. What did you have for breakfast? I think the first thing I ate today was leftover Pizza Hut pizza (mmmh just reminds me of the "afterparty" from that night) 5. Montel or Dr. Phil? "and then we'll watch the Montel Williams show....pretty good topic; women who take it up the ass for fifty cents. Ehh, not the greatest show he's ever done, but you know what? Not bad either!" 6. Cops or Robbers? this is a trick question, since cops are robbers themselves in many ways so therefore, no matter what you choose you will be picking robbers 8. What's your favorite tattoo and who did it? don't have any 9. Did he who smelt it really deal it? uhh................I like beans by Brak? 10. Do you have cheesy myspace photo that you took of yourself? yes, the one I have as my default pic, as well as the one that looks similar to it were self taken 11. What's your biggest vice? I have wayyyy too many to pick just one 12. Biggest pet peeve? when my dog bugs me for a walk four hours before it's time to go........ohh, it doesn't have to be a pet thing? ohh.....well people do soooooo many things that piss me off 13. Worst quality in a person? arrogance 14. Best? being trustworthy 15. Biggest turn off? smoking, nothing is worse than seeing a pretty girl light up 16. Any strange likes or dislikes? I'm not touching this with a ten foot poll 17. If you could live anywhere where would you go? Green Bay cuz the weather wouldn't be any worse and I would enjoy the town a hell of a lot more....but I also wouldn't mind a similar small town where weather wouldn't be too bad, like an Albany in a warmer climate or something 18. Do you like your job? yes, I like being unemployed 19. Do you think girls with tattoos look trashy? not really, I think girls can look freaky if they turn their body into a living tattoo, but meh 20: what about piercings? depends where the piercings are, some are okay.....some aren't.....and then some are just vile. 21. are u more of a romantic type of perosn or a kinky: I can be both :-P 22. whats your worst habit? getting work done on the schedule set for it in my head

so yeah, we are finally in December. I'm so tired right now (thanks Alexis :-P ) and next week is finals week. I'll feel so much better when it is all done with. And then once finals are done with, I'll be able to concentrate on something that is more important to me right now. Now I must go back to writing this thing.