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Yarned and Dangerous

— Adventures in urban spinster-ism


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VanillaBee™



Last Updated: 12/18/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 28
Sign: Pisces

City: San Antonio
State: Texas
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/4/2005

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Friday, November 02, 2007 4:55 AM
Well I suppose that I shouldn't be letting a whole month go by without blogging at all, so here goes the month run-down.

Doing much, much better. All is well in my world. Learned a lot about what I should and shouldn't listen to since we last spoke. I look back and think about some things that I just overlooked and should have noticed in all areas.  I always think that I have this really great way of being honest with myself, but at the same time, I try really hard to let people be who they are, so I tend to overlook the obvious in my attempt to be "fair" and non-judgmental.

I have things under control at work, I think. I'm glad to have found some things that will be good situations for everyone around without having to worry about expanding staff. That's pretty cool. I'm glad to know that we can all work together so well and be able to be so diverse in our skills. I think this fall is going to be a lot better than last and that things are going to be running a lot more smoothly than they have in the past. Yay, us!

Knitting has been painfully unsuccessful lately. Nothing seems to be coming out like I like, so I'm having trouble finding the motivation. I gotta find something to do. I have been very patiently pairing yarns to patterns on ravelry and I think that is going to help. I have a couple things in mind but just have been having trouble being focused enough on doing lace or finding patterns that pair with yarns that I feel like knitting right now. The trouble with it all is that you have to find something that calls to you and then run with that. I think I know what the problem is... and it's more that I have problems with focusing on the craft without thinking about the awesome knitters I see on ravelry and other web sites. They all started someplace too.

I am planning on participating in NaBloPoMo (NaBloPoMo = National Blog Posting Month), so I'm going to try to breathe some life back into my blogging by posting every day in November. I think that it will be a lot of fun and interesting to see what I find worth saying each day. I apologize now for some of the stupid posts that will be inevitable. I'll try not to bore anyone passing through too terribly :~P
 
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Tuesday, September 18, 2007 3:22 AM

Current mood:  numb
Category: Life
It's been a while since I blogged this much. I haven't had much to say... and it was a good thing. I didn't sit around for hours kicking the same thoughts about what I can expect for myself over time if I continue my current course. I wasn't upset about what I might have done to yet another person that I screwed things up knowing full well I did everything I knew to do. I was grateful.

Today my day started off normally— I braced myself for the workday clad in the armor of a well-selected business casual outfit. I think maybe that's one of those things I actually do to prevent people from noticing other flaws... like the fact that I rarely smile at work anymore. I don't really talk with anyone either. Happy days I'll wear some super under dressed thing and hardly give a shit.

I went to the break room as always just after arriving to snag some water for my tea and one of my coworkers was sitting in the break room as she always does for her morning break. She's pretty quiet for the most part, but whenever we do talk, I always like what she has to say and her perspective. She asked a question that tugged on the thorn in my heart so badly that I'm still reeling in pain hours later. "Why do you walk around looking so sad lately?" she said. I just sighed and gave some breathy answer along the lines of it getting better as time as passes. What exactly I said, I couldn't tell you.

She gave me one of the I-was-young-once-and-thought-the-same stories. She'd asked a fortune teller about a relationship— good hook for a person like me. I couldn't help but have tears well up in my eyes periodically all day after that. She saw why, and I didn't even say it. It could have been anything... but she knew. It's just this big hole that keeps getting bigger...

I was a total ass this weekend. Total. I'm figuring that the best thing to say is nothing at all most of the time. I guess I need to learn to smile through it all. I smile when I work out for sure. I smile when I knit. I smile when I cook. When the dog bites, when the Bee stings, these are a few of my favorite things :~)
 
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Saturday, September 15, 2007 6:36 AM

Current mood:  lazy
or so it could be said. I had 2 tickets to ACL I bought from Leigh Anne for this wekeend and decided against going and sold them to a super-cute couple I found through craigslist. I hope they have a great time. There were a lot of good bands playing, but I just really thought better against spending three days in the sun with little money for food and alcohol to keep my spirits up. When I went in 2005, I spent two days sleeping once I go back home, so I'm thinking I don't need to try to sweat all weekend while missing my company picnic (which I found out was about $30 a head today, so I'm glad I'm not ditching after all... that would suck!) and flag football practice, keep up with the workout, and still hit the door Monday morning ready to work. I'm just sad I couldn't get Bob Dylan tickets for Saturday night. They sold out in seconds... literally. I hit the refresh button on the tickets page at 9:59 (tickets on sale at 10), saw that the tickets were already for sale and they had none available. Ouch! Not meant to be I suppose. I will be there for Interpol, that's for DAMN sure! Soooo looking forward to that show :~)

Work has been good. I'm being quiet a lot so I can get my things done and not have to hear it from the team leader just a row away about gabbing. I can honestly say that despite it being hard, I haven't heard a complaint in a couple weeks, which rocks. I just don't want to spend the next years getting in trouble from the same thing I was chastized for in school. I'm trying to buckle down and get things under control so I can have my plate clean when the fall projects start kicking in. I have two project that I'm flying by the seat of my pants on which sucks. It's back to hard times but fast days in the fall and I'm probably going to be running into the dark on those again too. I love those in so many ways. I think the whole perspective thing has really helped with the job. I don't try to be a bitch, but I know Busy Bee translates to Bitchy Bee in some ways. I try to have some fun, but I need to focus and focusing and fun aren't usually hand-in-hand for me.

Fun? Now that has been the workout. I have been keeping it nice and varied like I need to to stay interested and for the first time, broke the 3 month cycle... I added in P90X recently, but have yet to get a chin-up bar or over-the-door hook for my resistance bands like I need for the majority of the strength training workouts. Hip Hop Abs Level 2 is fun... actually a bit more so than the first three DVDs if you ask me. I did the cardio DVD from the second series with weighted gloves the first time since I cracked open the DVD the first time and almost died. Today's venture was much more successful.

I'm not running anymore because it wasn't fun. I don't think I'll ever like running. I was liking reaching a goal, and for that reason, I expect to return to running again some day in the near future and maybe this time with Leigh Anne so I can actually have motivation. I think running with others is a lot more fun than just running alone. I haven't done it in a long time, but we took a short jog to get water the other day, and I was thinking that that was fun even though it was only a short distance. Another of the girls in the group used to be in a running group until she hurt herself and dropped out. I think that might be a better format for me when I get back into it.

I went for a float with Cheryl and Josh (who is finally on MySpace) on Labor Day weekend, which was fun and John came to town last weekend and played Settlers with us all. I got Wii Big Brain Academy and discovered my brain is lop-sided since I kinda suck at analyzing and visualizing. So much for me thinking I'm good at spatial reltionships. I still contend that I'm better at spatial math than linear math. I think the compute section of the game proves that too, since the game I suck at involves adding only. We discovered John has a crappy memory... officially. This happens to be the category I kick the most ass at. I already lost track of where the game is (not good since John got it for me as a birthday present), so I hope that I just left it over at their place :~P I'm still eagerly awaiting Fit Wii, Smash Bros Brawl, and Mario Kart next year.

Our flag football team had its first showing on Monday and we didn't fare so well. I think that will improve with time. I need to get cleats this weekend so I can actually cut. I did in Monday's game and ended up hurting my right thumb breaking a fall. I couldn't write the next day and that just won't do considering it's the main part of my job. I'm also part of a volleyball team at the picnic, so I'm thinking I might need to tape up my thumb for the games. It's still not feeling all that great yet. Better, but still stiff and a bit swollen. Ought to be interesting when I get to Sunday's yoga workout. It's going to be the most hardcore yoga I've tried to date (an hour and a half and the people in the video are even sweating pretty badly), so wish me luck with the thumbless balance.

Knitting... not so much since the hat. I tried another, but it was coming out short, so I ditched it. I'll make it again, I know, but it was big and short. Not the shape of my head :~P I'm trying to find something I want to attack.. I have the yarn for Coachella (a top), but am just not feeling that right now. Maybe a couple days of spinning will clear the mind? Tomorrow is a big knit out thing at the central library, so I may go... I have a long workout in the morning (yay Total Body Blast!), so I'll see what I'm up to after that. I think I might be ready for Argosy again, so I'm thinking about that one... I don't know. I haven't bought any yarn in a while, but that is because I have a crapload of it and plenty of opportunities to knit, just haven't been finding the right thing to catch my fancy. I think I was disheartened about the whole Eileen coming out wrong twice thing and my not learning three-needle bind off for sleeve-making yet. I might just have to pay someone to teach me at the yarn shop real quick. I can't make it Wendy's seaming and finishing class at Yarnivore since it's on the same day as the Interpol concert. I need to look through all the books I have here at the house before I throw in the towel. I'm sure someone explains it in a way I can understand. I'm not that damn dense.

In all that talk with the last paragraph, I think I know what I want to knit, which is a good thing. I hope everyone has a great weekend! :~)
Currently listening:
Whatever and Ever Amen
By Ben Folds Five
Release date: 22 March, 2005
 
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Saturday, September 01, 2007 6:11 AM

Current mood:  disappointed
I was doing great in this blog category for a while. I almost posted something earlier this week, but good thing I followed my gut about it. I always hate when I do something against those inner feelings and then have to live to hear the little voices in my head say I told you so.

I think that of all the things I realize now that the most important thing to me when it comes to dating is honoring the time someone sets aside for you. There are a ton of things that a person could be doing with their day rather than thinking of someone that they are looking forward to seeing all to have them let you down. The excuses come in all sorts of forms, but they are never good enough anymore. Even the perfectly valid ones... especially when someone has done everything they could to make sure that they checked you could really be there. Time is really the only thing I think I ask of most people, and that the time set aside for us to spend be honored. If you have other commitments you need to attend to, that's all well and good, but I really expect that you have those in line so that you can follow through on the ones that pertain to me. Maybe that's selfish, but I will do my absolute best to do the same in return.

For me, nothing will get a date unlaid faster than an inability to follow through on commitments to spend time together. I really think I'm an understanding person, and I try my best to honor every commitment I make with someone. Granted, being the moody little one I am, I will cancel now and again if I'm not feeling up to something. I don't think it's right to be in a bad mood when someone is looking forward to spending good time with you. Sometimes, it's you that person really needs to make their day finish the right way, no matter how you come. You do your best to make sure that you are there for someone when you are friends, but even more so when you are lovers.

When I was little, Mama busted ass to make sure we had food and a roof over our heads, and now having been in the working world and more socializing to accomplish when the day is complete just how easy the option to stay home was for her to take. I see myself mirroring this as I get older and will every effort to not do that so much. It's really not a bad habit sometimes. It clears the head and is a meditation of sorts for me. It always seemed like it was okay after I got over the initial times I realized I was one of those kids that didn't have anyone come see them do their extracurricular stuff. I knew it was because she really doesn't like being social all that much and worked SO much. I will give her credit that she came to the things I told her that I really wanted her there for as I got to the final years of school, and she came to my college graduation. I mostly did that thing for her. It did feel good to cross a stage in that silly robe after having dropped out of high school though, I will admit.

With the daddies, not so much the same feeling though. I spent a lot of time with less-than-stellar men growing up. My father is a huge disappointment and manages to continue to be even as an adult. I'm still waiting on that call in a few days he said he'd make when my grandmother passed away. I guess he must have meant the one that came a year later in the form of requesting I pass a message along to my mother about his needing to speak with her regarding back child support matters.

*Note to daddies with kiddos, if you get taken to court for owing money, you will have to pay— there's no home free when they turn 18. You will pay through college and their adulthood if you owe the money and your baby mama says she wants it all. Case and point in my father, who is currently contributing to my computer replacement fund.*

This is just the most recent thing with him, he's a lost cause. I'd have to call the man and schedule time spent with him two weeks in advance. One week, I called on short notice and wanted to see him.  I was basically told that me wanting to see my daddy was less important that a commitment he'd made to a friend to go renew a deer lease. I guess maybe he was serious about honoring his commitment to friends as much as I aspire to be. I just kept wondering if that took all day or why I just couldn't come along.

When he said that he'd have come to my graduation had he known (message relayed by my grandmother), I scoffed. Why would you after all this time? I don't even know him anymore, really. I almost forget his face, but I can see him in my face when I look in a mirror. My grandmother passing before I called him is my only event I put near the regret category. I'm kinda glad I didn't because I don't think she could have really understood his lack of reciprocation and effort as a slap in the face in her state of mind. And even if she had, I think it would have disappointed her terribly to know I tried and he still sucked.

I won't even get deep into how disappointing daddy 2 was. Man never held a job. He just got out of jail according to the State of Texas Justice Department. I have to take out the only photo we have of him to really remember what he looks like. I don't do it often, and rarely on purpose. I hope to NEVER see him again. Even if he's changed for the better.

The let downs of today are much smaller than the ones of the past, but they still hurt a lot. All that being said, I don't think I'm unrealistic, just maybe have high expectations in this area. I don't plan on lowering those in any way either. It's the one thing I really can't deal with on so many levels, but first and foremost, it makes me question what is wrong with me that I deserve it. No matter the reason, I always take it personal.

I live my life by three Rs when it comes to dating and relationships— responsiveness, reciprocation, and respect. There's such a past level of disappointment, there's a lot to overcome for anyone willing to take the task. Baggage is a mother fucker, but this one of the few bags I still pack.
Currently listening:
Our Love to Admire
By Interpol
Release date: 10 July, 2007
 
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Monday, August 13, 2007 11:30 PM

Current mood:  sore
Category: Life
Okay, quiet for more than a month... WTF? Doing stuff, hanging with cool peeps and chillin' in general when I get the chance. I don't have much to talk about, but I have been shot in the head for a movie, discovered I'm nowhere near enough in shape to run a 5K (3rd Annual Silver Stars Run/Walk), and purchased a vacation plan after originally purchasing a timeshare. Fun, fun.

Since it was the most recent, thoughts on the 5K have me in the "what the hell?" fitness mode. Never knew that running would be so much harder than any of the workouts I do... guess maybe the sun and stuff didn't help, but I really didn't think it was that hot. The event was chip timed—it took me 41.03 minutes. Everyone says that not bad for no training, and I'm tossing in a bad-for-running shoes and a slightly hurt back right now. A lot of that would have been better if my earbuds would just say in my ears when I run so I could hit some kind of rhythm with the music to take my mind off of things. I expected to average about 10:00 per mile. I averaged 13:13. I average about 8:00 on an elliptical trainer when I hit one in good shape, so I didn't expect such a large change.

I got categorized as a man for the race... that was funny. I would have been 24th in my age group for women had that been reported correctly. I was thinking of maybe doing some training this fall with Leigh Anne between social sports with the work crew and anything else that might catch my fancy between now and then. Thinking of setting a personal challenge for myself to run a 5K a month in 2008, at least one of those competitively by the end of the year (which would require I cut my time by about half to have a shot in a race with more serious runners). Conquer another fear of sorts since I've been afraid to try to work that into my regime due to my knees. I'm sure training will tell. I want to make my next race the 5K Mayor's Fitness Challenge Run in November. It's the super-wuss version of the San Antonio Marathon. I say super-wuss because there's a half marathon too, but I'm not going to even attempt that... like ever most likely :~P

I've had a good couple of pretty good weeks at work, and have somehow managed to find some peace with it all. I think an interview I had with the proposals department really opened my eyes to how much my job is really within my grasp and that I can confidently achieve those goals in the face of just about any challenge. I hope to keep my head high as the work gets heavier in the fall... I'll make my best effort because the days really are so much nicer :~) I just want to be better and better about things every day if possible. I'm sure keeping up with the social stuff I want to do is also helping.

I've been getting to most of the Silver Stars home games this season thanks to Leigh Anne. The girls are doing great. We're number 2 in the Western Conference (that's pretty much clinched) and could catch number one, the Phoenix Mercury, if we win all 4 of the next games. The hardest game will be a toss up between the Sacramento Monarchs and the Indiana Fever (second in the East, record mirrors ours). I worry more about the Fever game because we seem to do better on the road than at home. Number three in the West is the Monarchs, who we play on Wednesday, and have beaten them last two times we played them. They are also finishing off their season with two games against the Mercury... I'm really hoping they win those and we win all four... OMG, yes that would rock. Either way, we'll be in the playoffs for the first time since the Utah Starzz became the San Antonio Silver Stars :~) Congrats ladies!

I was in a short for Travis (Dark Design) recently, and it looks to be a really good one. I had a lot of fun working with everyone and had my first experience with effects make up for a bullet wound. I got to do a lot of fun things, actually. I just hope I don't suck compared to the rest of the talent in the film. We shot at Mark's apartment, so I got to see him for the first time in a while too.

Started a scarf that I've yet to touch since the first day of the shoot too... figured I don't have enough yarn so I'm torn as to what I'm going to do. Other than that, I'm working on a hat in the knitting world. Knit on DPNs for minimal finishing and I should be wrapping that project up in the next couple of days. I've made a couple of really tasty first shots at casseroles, one a baked pasta and the other an enchilada casserole of sorts. Trying to figure out how I might be able to work the latter into a recipe for the Pillsbury Bake-Off for the next round. It was really tasty and if it can earn me a million dollars :~)

Alright, back to laundry (which I'm counting as an active rest day as sore as I feel for workout purposes... first day off in eight days) and making a tasty dinner :~) Have a great week all!
 
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Tuesday, July 10, 2007 4:22 AM

Current mood:  excited
Category: Games
I'm going with this blog under the category of games due to the first paragraph, but it's pretty general overall.

I got some great news this morning to kick off my week— I have some forms to fill out, but I won $300 just for logging in to do my workout. I won the daily prize on the website I use to track my workouts for Sunday. I usually don't log in on Sunday since I usually use it as a rest day, but I have really been trying to make them active rest days by scheduling yoga for myself, so this was actually the first Sunday I'd logged in for a good long while. That's awesome because I have always used this site to track my workouts since I began Turbo Jam and find it to be a great motivational tool for planning and sticking to a workout plan while reminding me of all my options for workouts to do from the selection I have. They switched to the Million Dollar Body Game with daily prize thing at the beginning of this year, I've just been lazy and not worked out for most of the year. If the flat belly and money won are side effects, I'm thinking maybe I need to stick with this longer this time :~P

Not too sure what I'm going to do with the cash just yet, but there are a few things I'm thinking of. Mama and I talked about getting a bench so we can do some more serious lifting here at the house, but we'll see. I have a bit of play with that seeing as though I'm STILL holding on to my tax forms which will get me a nice check. I think most of us know I'm really needing a new computer (and I want to build this one from scratch), but there are several other things that rank just as high on the list of things I really want/need/can't live without much longer :~P

Oh, and for anyone thinking about Hip Hop Abs, I've only done one round of the Secrets to Flat Abs (intro to body positioning) and Total Body Burn (cardio-style sculpting), and a couple of Fat Burning Cardio (intro to the steps— whole lot of standing crunches really, but I can dig that) and Ab Sculpt (basic moves with more core focus than the cardio) so far, but there's not a lot of challenge in the workouts so far overall for someone that's got some cardio under their belt and some weights they use a few times a week even on a light weights regimen. Don't get me wrong, I broke a sweat, but not nearly as much as with my first few times through Turbo Jam. The most challenging by far is the Total Body Burn, and that one did get me sweaty as hell. Mostly because it's pretty much cardio with weights and that's one thing that I didn't do much of with Turbo Jam even when I was getting super-hardcore. Tomorrow morning will be the first time I do Last Minute Abs (fast-paced standing ab routine). We already have the Level 2 and the weighted gloves, so I plan on trying them again with a better sense of the moves and then with the gloves. There are a few little "hidden" things (short dance instructional sections) I've yet to check out too, so I'm not saying there's nothing to be had here by any means.

What have I done with my work life since we last spoke? Worked— a lot more than expected last week couple of weeks, but I'm feeling better about the job I'm doing. I'm really having a hard time finding the words to say some of the things I want to say, so I'm trying really hard (somewhat unsuccessfully) not to say anything. I really want to just figure out a way to make communication better— on both an inter- and intra-departmental basis. I want to just learn to let it go... but then again, I've been told so much of the things I need to let go should be addressed. That's just frustrating sometimes, but hey, I'm struggling to find my place in a very different way right now than I ever have before. Not that this problem wasn't there before, but more that I think I've never had to address my issues like this before. It really means a lot to me to contribute to the greater goals of the organization I work for and that won't change. I still love and deeply care for the people I work with, but I don't know that I'm serving in the best role for me anymore. Not that I'm incapable of the role, just that I'm intolerant of following such loose directives well and handling so many people. I want to save the world, even if it's at the expense of myself sometimes. I want to make everyone happy, but I'm completely incapable of that. The pressure is just too much sometimes. Something's got to give eventually, and I know that it won't be that job 9 times out of 10. And I'm not quitting.

On the social scene... been hanging out with Cheryl and Josh a lot lately. It's a pretty fun chill spot for the hard days, so I'm happy they live close. I think they've been more of a key to my sanity than I've told them, really; I need to let them know :~) Was supposed to brunch with the Millers, but that didn't come to fruition because of work. I was going to head to Austin last weekend, but weather Friday night was enough of a deterrent with the forecast, but the weather held more than the forecast indicated. Not sad I stayed even though I miss John a lot. I made it to Beethoven Maennerchor on Friday and fell on my ass and hurting my wrist and back a bit— was kinda funny, but not really because it was one of those falls everyone could see coming, I didn't deserve, and no one could do anything about it :~( I played poker with some new friends I met through Cheryl and Josh on Saturday. Despite my serious lack of skills, I managed to win a few bucks. I'll need to learn some strategy and such if I plan to continue because these folks know what they're doing ;~) Sunday was spent lazing around, some yoga for dollars (yay!), and then the last SEP screening. The event was fun and we went and chilled for a bit at The Mix afterward. I spent the entire time being unintentionally anti-social playing video crack in the form of one of those touch screen bar games that you have to find the differences between two pictures. No, not the ones with the naked women, but I would have chosen it over the lame photos any day. I need to stay away from that stuff... especially when tipsy/drunk :~P

Other than that, I've finished knitting Tempting but haven't really felt like learning three-needle bind off to join the sleeves to the body at the underarms because my brain hurts too bad and the first time I tried, it wasn't making sense. I'm sure it's not that bad, but I'm just plain too fried to be patient enough with myself to get it right now. I'll get to it this week, I'm pretty certain. Still need ribbon for Asana and Tempting, so I need to make sure to take care of that this week as well. Eileen's front has several inches of love in her at this point... about 6¼ so far. Armhole bind off begins at 11, so there'll be a little while that passes before I get to that, I'm sure. I'm trying damn hard not to begin a gallery of unfinished projects. I can tell people to go to hell that nag on me until the cows come home (in that fun-loving sense... you guys all know I love you), but I really want to wear my FOs without it to boot, I promise. One issue is that I'm concerned if I finish them in a hurry just to appease others, I will make some mistake that prevents me from doing so (the wearing part). Just like a cooking a dinner good dinner, love has to be in every part of your creation... and yes, love does involve moments of kicking and screaming, fighting and making up, confusion and understanding. I think that my knitting is actually VERY reminiscent of a love affair in my mind and that my habits in both are somewhat parallel.

With that revelation, I'm going to try to go back to sleep after accidentally falling asleep really early tonight. Goodnight all, have a great week! Goodnight moon ;~)
Currently listening:
Return to Cookie Mountain (with Bonus Tracks)
By TV on the Radio
Release date: 12 September, 2006
 
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Thursday, June 21, 2007 4:01 AM

Current mood:  good
Let's see... I've written twice and blogged none of that since about 2 weeks ago, so I guess that some folks out there *might* care about what's going on. Since this will be about the only record I have of things that have happened in my life outside of my brain, which is not guaranteed to remain intact, maybe we should hit up the bloggeration. Yes, let's play catch up.

I was in the Spurs Championship Celebration 2007 River Parade on the Silver Stars (a part of the Spurs franchise I DO watch play regularly) float thanks to Miss Lala. Had a great time and met some cool kids :~) Open bar before hand... nice ;~) Great buffet before hand too... lots of fresh veggies and mini-sammies and such. Got some blurry pics of folks (mostly Manu since he was the barge after ours), but hey, I think all had a great time and it's something I don't think I'll be forgetting any time soon. No, no Tony and Eva sighting this time around— fine by me :~P It was great to see so much of the city united by something— gives me an appreciation for the city I thought I'd be hot-footing it out of so long ago.

Been sticking to the Turbo Jam pretty well, but skipped Monday morning because I was so tired from Sunday. Trying to stick with a morning regimen to avoid building up too much stress and animosity during the day to injure myself. Didn't work out today, but I think I managed to keep the intensity low enough to not have messed up any joints. I really wish there was some way I could remind myself not to lock my joints up when I make more intense movements. I'm working on it.

Still knitting on the same tops... Tempting and Eileen. Don't know how, but knitting is someplace on the back burner for the last few days, especially. Just really tired I suppose. I want to finish Asana for Cheryl and Josh's party this Saturday. I sewed in the waist tabs tonight and am stopping by the craft store for Velcro tomorrow. And yes, everyone that knows Cheryl and Josh, they are having a party. If you don't then don't come.

Got a car stuck in the parking garage at work. My key won't turn in the ignition. I need to call and have the thing towed at this point, I think. I keep fiddling with the key every day, but no luck. At least today the key turned the reverse direction and I could get it into accessory mode. It's been threatening to happen for a little bit now, but I guess the thing finally gave out— whatever it is. Mama was kind enough to let me borrow her car to finish out last week, but I need to hook her up with gas now in the big-ass SUV.

I've sucked at being a supervisor for a couple weeks, but I think that might just be changing finally. I got accused of skipping around work like it's Disneyland yesterday and fought off multiple urges to leave today :~P I have really enjoyed taking things back to a level at which I feel like we have things covered pretty well. Much of this feeling is due to the return of Miss Kellie to the workplace for the summer. I'm trying to prep for a two-man fall and trying to Kellie a jobby-job on the permanent there (if she still wants it— hurry up with that resume dammit :~P).

I need to get the registration stickers for both my cars taken care of sometime this week and have the CR-V looked at. It's been two years and I haven't had anything besides oil changes. I'm sure it needs work. I still need to file my taxes as well, so maybe I'll take those in to work with me tomorrow seeing as though the workload has been really low.

It's early, but I'm calling it a day... maybe weaving in ends of the seams I just knit since I didn't really know some of the seaming tips I know now. Night, kids— have a great weekend ahead! :~)
 
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Tuesday, June 05, 2007 4:05 AM

Current mood:  listless
I've developed a tick in my right eye which sucks because that eye is already smaller than the left (which I can notice physically because my eyelashes actually limit my peripheral vision on that side). Every once in a while, it pops up in the left eye as well. I started noticing it last year, but it wasn't so bad then. Now that I'm trying to hold a lot more things in and not get stressed about them at work (or in play for that matter), I notice it's getting worse. It's really begun to piss me off. Based on some minimal web searching, there are not treatments or cures for this problem. Today was no where near as bad as ususal. Maybe because I'm tackling one annoyance at a time and trying hard to pick my battles.

Chillin' with some homies on Thursday, I noticed that the tick had pretty much subsided for the evening. I got a headache (most likely because I waited too late in the day to eat) and had to sleep on the couch for the night, but still, no tick. It still happens when I'm alone frequently, but I think that has a lot to with the fact that I'm still mulling on so many things when I sit and let my mind wander.

It's funny how things are always changing and becoming clearer to you as you just go about living your life everyday. When you really stop to think about it, if you take your day apart, you start to have the chance to recognize when and where you would have done something differently. There's no point in bemoaning the moments you recognize could have gone better, but you have the chance to try to do better next time a similar situations rears it's ugly head. I've been really trying to do that with work in my alone time because I need to learn how to be a better leader. I never really thought of myself as a leader... I was just telling Alicia I think I'm a lead follower :~P

I'm going to have to learn how to get my stress out, like Turbo Jam again. I made myself sick this morning working out for the first time since I don't know when in conjunction with a few other not-good-for-exercise elements. I'm ready for another round of work tomorrow morning— I ain't goin' out like no punk bitch, yo :~P I could TJ my ass off before; I know I'll be back to that soon enough. Thinking about getting Hip Hop Abs too, so if anyone has it and can offer some feedback, lemme know :~) You can never have enough interesting and fun cardio routines to choose from when you hate cardio. I also need to get more time in with good friends.

Worked late on Friday because I wanted to for once. Forgot my primary knitting project there, though, so no sleeves just yet. Visited my gramps in the afternoon and had dinner with the Millers on Saturday (sushi background photo) and was waiting the rest for John to show up here for the visit he said he was making here, but I've yet to hear from him. I'm worried :~( I'll freak if I don't hear from him or his sister by the end of work tomorrow. Sometimes you get great reminders about why things are the way they are... I just hope he's not in any kind of bad trouble anywhere. Lazy Sunday... just some short trips to the yarn store for yarn (duh!) and the pet store in search of more indestructible Stella toys. Killed the stuffed one within 24 hours— she's hardcore. I think it's Durable Nylabones and Kong toys for the most part from here out :~P

Anyway, I started realizing that I have a serious problem with knitting ADD, but that's okay. The beauty of knitting for yourself is that the project waits for you. It doesn't matter if it takes me 80 years to finish... as long as I still wear the same size when I'm 80 :~P Or I can just give it to someone that does fit it. I have a few things I want to knit for others, but the selfish knitting goes first in my world mostly because I'm still building skills and don't want to give gifts with mistakes. Berthe was an exception seeing as how that yarn would hide just about any mistake. I have so much yarn I could knit for the rest of the year, most likely, but I like having different patterns and yarn types to choose from when I think about picking up my knitting. Still having issues with trying to curb the yarn purchases, but I'll be back on track soon. Got some other financial matters that I need to address.

The selection process for patterns is somewhat time consuming as well leaving me with less time I'm actually stitching as I search for something else I want to knit. It's all about finding that pattern you just can't stop working on— and that is a rare find. I have yarn for major projects (tank top or more) in my stash including Schachenmayr Micro Bamboo, Madil Eden Print, K1C2 2nd Time Cotton, K1C2 Wick, Artful Yarns Fable, and Elsebeth Lavold stashes of Silky Tweed, Silky Wool, and Hempathy. There may be more that I may have forgotten at this point honestly— and I'm sure I have. So far plans for those are skirt or sweater, large convertible scarf, skirt, long sleeve raglan sweater, no clue what, mini-dress, cardigan, and tank top, respectively. I think I have knitting covered for 2007 and just need to sit down and get the shit done. Like buy Velcro and break out the sewing machine to FINALLY finish Asana.

Anyhow kids, hope all is well in your world and that you have a wonderful week ahead :~)
Currently listening:
Sublime
By Sublime
Release date: 30 July, 1996
 
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007 2:44 AM

Current mood:  thirsty
rather boring and a touch into the British. I say this after having hosted a party just yesterday in the very American backyard party tradition with dogs and burgers, but I think that I have trouble keeping my focus and track of time both in the real world and here online. I think hanging out with more of my friends in person as of late has really made me realize how much I miss interacting with them personally— when I actually feel like interacting with people. I need a better text message program so that I can send more of those without jacking my bill up. I seem to have forgotten the virtues of spontaneous get togethers.

I haven't really been talking much about anything of substance or worth to most people in my blog (which I'd say is the main thing keeping me coming back to the Space... blog reading and writing), but I guess there's a lot less emotion in my life without casual dating and not to bitching about work outside of work... that and my "vow of celibacy" for 2007. I'm sure that's contributed to my crabby nature sometimes, too. Only broken it once thus far, and I'd say it was worth it to cap a great week of fun ;~) I have certainly been happier with myself for it.

People that know me well know that giving that kind of thing up for me pretty much eliminates my sexual activity altogether, but hey, I know I'm still sexually responsive... I'll just be a bit out of practice and all the more prepared for a choice encounter when it does arrive. And I will admit, I find it nice not worrying about the uglies of casual sex... and there are many. FYI— not preaching; you live your life the way that makes you happy, this is what is working for me right now :~)

Along the urban spinster note, I have my fiber to keep me warm. I've been knitting on Tempting by Jenna Adorno from the Winter 2004 Knitty:



I have about 8 inches of the body knit thus far using Elsebeth Lavold Classic AL in a pretty China blue (thanks for IDing that shade so well, Alicia) and will be starting a third ball of yarn with my very next stitch :~) I'm kinda scared to get farther because I need to use double pointed needles for the first time, but I figure a small section of sleeve with a simple stitch pattern should be the perfect way to learn. Oh, and I think I'll be nixing the bow in favor of an i-cord made of a stretchy yarn like Cascade Fixation or something.

Other projects on the needles, but those will wait for later blogs when they actually have decent progress. Have a great week all :~)
 
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Friday, May 18, 2007 2:08 AM

Current mood:  calm
Swallowing a frog can be good for you. First and foremost, a new attitude about work. I'm doing much better about not bringing it home, but I think that is also due to some stresses being relieved. That's good. I got my little feelers hurt by something my boss said about me (in front of me, so I gots to respect that), so I had to get over that. It took a bit because the woman has come to mean a lot to me over the last couple of months of insanity. It was her birthday on Monday so I knit her a little something out of some yarn that my mother made my favoritist sweater from. The sweater fell apart years ago, but she still had one skein of the stuff left. It was only 90 yds, so I knit my boss a collar from Amy R. Singer's book "No Sheep for You" called the Berthe Collar.

Knitting—Berthe Collar

The edge is not as wonky (new word courtesy of Alicia) as it looks here, I promise. Very simple pattern and only about 2/3 the height it was suggested I knit to in the book due to the small amount of yarn. I gave it to her Thursday of last week, and she says she likes it (and gave me a very nice thank you card... I need to remember how much that really is appreciated when I get gifts). Giving it to her at that point was as much as much a gift for her as a release for me. Sad good-bye to my favorite yarn, but well worth it. Here's a close up :~)

Knitting—Berthe Close-up

I found something VERY similar to knit up my own spiffy version of the sweater my mother gave me years ago. The stuff is just beautiful and the colorways available are just amazing. Too bad the stuff is $40 per skein and it's going to take AT LEAST 2 skeins to get it knit up.

Been to 2 concerts since I last blogged. First up was Modest Mouse :~) We got rained out :~( The show was great despite and I'd have stood in the rain to hear more, but weather just would not allow for the boys to keep playing safely. The walk back through the mud was just great too... see?

Rain + Dirt  = Mud

The shoes are still in a bag by the door covered in mud. I need a water hose, but I thought it might be smart to just let them dry and knock the majority of the mud off while it was dry.

Last Friday I went to see George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic. No pics of the second (and I never take pics during a show anyway for some reason), but we had a good time dancing our asses off. I was under the influence and laughing most of the night. $2.50 Long Island Teas at The Library... scary. The older I get, the later in the day my hangovers seem to come. I spent most of Saturday afternoon (which I'd had shopping and crafting plans for) recovering.

Sunday, unproductive knitting and another yarn mispurchase. Most of my knitting is "unproductive" as of late. Getting a feel for some new techniques and how certain types of yarns will knit up though, that's for sure. I just frogged (ripped out) my latest endeavor (Knitty's Argosy with Filatura Lanarota Royal Linen) and the previous 4 as well. I'm already a perfectionist. Well, that and the fact that I give errors three strikes and then we're out. I'd rather start from square one (ironic in the case of Argosy, as later pictures will reveal) than just keep trying to get the same rows right over and over. No worries, these will be knit as well. I'm working on 2 patterns in my head and in notes (the aforementioned recreation of the favorite Mama sweater) and a skirt.

Well kids, that's it— hope that your worlds are all level and happy. Sad note... I have to buy a real Flickr account to keep pictures coming... on the to do list :~) Off to knit a gauge swatch for the skirt :~)

P.S.— Turf Dancing (on the album listed below) = best song ever to dance to if you want to pretend to be in a dance battle :~P
Currently listening:
The Outsider
By DJ Shadow
Release date: 19 September, 2006
 
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Monday, May 07, 2007 1:45 AM

Current mood:  annoyed
Okay, so this week I got to thinking after my job stressed me out for the bajillionth time that I need to learn to let go. Things that happen at work need to stay at work and I need to learn how to not let the things that go wrong in the day devastate me. Period. I started thinking about how many people can just let things blow over them for the most part there and just can't help but think that I can do the same. I always stress out about the things no one else thinks/cares about, so I should just stop. Not do a crappy job, just stop taking it all so hard. Not that I haven't heard all this before...

Getting to know someone that is an outside observer has really helped me see in the last couple weeks that it's not the job, it's the people that take it home, although their argument would be otherwise from what I can tell. I'm actually enjoying this new perspective for a few reasons, but the main one is it reminds me so much of myself before I got to be this. I forgot so much stuff about how I used to think; it's nice revisit that simpler, holistic vision I once had with the knowledge I have gained about my needs and abilities over the last few years. Not to say that it's simple-minded, but much less contorted and tainted, that's for sure. I think I can finally see that I have trouble letting go in general. That's not good— another delusion I've been living under. I think I found a flaw that needs immediate attention.

I went to Mark's for a neat little creative show and tell on Friday night. I showed my spun silk and told about what drew me to fiber in the first place. I think I have a couple ideas for the next time around if we continue doing this. I really liked that it made me think about what other things I can do and projects I need to complete in addition to what some of the other people there might contribute. Saturday night was hanging out with the Miller's at Sherlock's and a bit of afterparty... always good times. I had to take a nap before coming home, even :~P

I been working on a hat pattern from Knitty and have been having fun actually seeing progress this quickly. I stand corrected on the instant gratification knitting. I screwed even this pattern up but could still finish it with a couple cheats. It's too big for wearing with my hair down, but great for wearing with a low ponytail :~)

Knitting—Classic AL Halfdome

At least the stitch work for Asana is accurate as far as I can tell. I really need to go get the stuff to finish that too. I started a couple other patterns that I wanted to make, but neither was coming out right, so I'll save that for later... one being Sizzle, sadly.

I have a confession. I'm probably never cleaning my house all the way up. But you know, I still wanna party anyway. I'm going to do just that Memorial Day weekend. That Sunday, it's on folks— backyard party at my house. B.Y.O.B. and B.Y.O.C. (bring your own chair); I got some food (hot dogs, salsa, and chips 'cause I'm not showing off the gourmet, yo, sorry), bug spray, and minimal liquor. Bring friends... only if they're cool like dat ;~)
Currently listening:
Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer?
By Of Montreal
Release date: 23 January, 2007
 
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Tuesday, May 01, 2007 1:23 AM

Current mood:  contemplative
I been through some shit in my day. I'm not stronger than any number of people that have been though similar or worse situations, but somehow over the years, I have managed to let the theme of poor male role models and disappointing relationships with the opposite sex leave an odd taste in my mouth. I'm not a man-hater, but I do go through phases when the male of the species is not my favorite. Comparatively, I spend more time angry with women about numerous things they do just trying to make it through their day (although I hardly blame them for playing into the conventions of society as I feel some obligation to do the same periodically).

I think I say this thinking about the fact that as far as couple of my biggest hang ups in relationships are concerned, I have a lot of things that I am stuck on that happened more than a decade ago. Those were very formative years and I think about the things I learned about myself through my first "relationship" in the most awkward use of the term in this case. I learned a lot about the nature of a true beast. I had my brain twisted into the strangest little knotted ball all to spend these last 13 years in doubt of myself and the person I would become because of what happened. It's gone now... and I don't have to think about him coming back.

I've cleared the woods, and something about this weekend made me realize just how far away that forest is. It's ancient... petrified. Frozen in the time that it happened and something I can't even remember accurately now more than to say how things made me feel. Talking to someone from that time this week really helped with that realization too, I'm sure.

I kept thinking of the song The Boogie Monster by Gnarls Barkley— yes it's a good commercially produced album (just queue the lyrics, right?):

I've got a monster in my closet
Someone's underneath my bed
The wind's knocking at my window
I'd kill it but it's already dead

It waits till the midnight hour to come
To torture me for the wrong I've done
It just sits there and stares me
And it won't let me get any sleep

(Repeat Hook)

At first I was scared when
I looked at his eyes
But now that I know him I'm not that suprised
I'm just waiting on the sun to rise

Oh how I wish that old sun would rise

(Repeat Hook)

I used to wonder why he looked familiar
Then I realized it was a mirror
And now it is plain to see,
The whole time the monster was me

(Repeat Hook)

Yeah mmm the living dead
Only thing that could bring it back alive, Woman
Is some good good head
(Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha)

At this point, the only monsters left are all in my head. All made up by yours truly.

I used to dive headlong into these terribly passionate romances that hinted toward disaster from the beginning so that I could live comfortable in a partnership. You can't keep doing that... especially once you become an adult and that childish sense of what-do-I-do-next surfaces— because you just don't have to talk to someone if you don't want to, which I think is the route most of us elect to take and allow things to disintegrate. In the last three years, I have come to appreciate the opportunity to learn about myself through experiences like this and what I want in the next real relationship I have. I haven't been the best about effectively communicating what I want, but I have always tried my best to express my feelings openly and honestly.

I've also thought over the years about the idea of finally finding someone that I can trust, but for some reason or another, can't just let go. I sometimes look in a mirror and feel so damaged that I can't imagine that anyone would want me. I think about how that feeling has kept people from being able to get into my heart and all I do is doubt their ability to be honest with themselves, let alone with me. Had I even met a man that would have been able to change the pattern in my life with men, I never would have trusted him to do it. I rarely believe anyone for what they say to me. I'm constantly looking for some ulterior motive to be revealed in their actions or words that I have to place all because that is exactly how I spent my first three years— learning about how someone will manipulate you to get what they want.

I've long since learned that I am not a fool. I don't have to keep thinking about a time in my life when I was handed a big ball of emotions and ideas that I was nowhere near prepared for and made to feel I had to deal with for as long as I did. It was all this sick, twisted game that I see adults play parts of all the time, except I was a kid. I forget in all my grown-up talk that I can play by my own rules now, and I pride myself on good sportsmanship. I run an honest game and try to make it fun for all the players— if the players aren't into bluffing that is.
Currently listening:
St. Elsewhere
By Gnarls Barkley
Release date: 09 May, 2006
 
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Sunday, April 29, 2007 10:30 PM

Current mood:  anxious
Category: Life
For once, I had a week that had little to do with knitting. (And go to hell Andy, I'm finishing the top in my own sweet time :~P) I had conflict and resolution to some degree at work. I was too busy being social with new and old friends and getting back to square one with myself to let the situation continue to eat at me like that. It's almost like I forgot how to just let go and be me for a bit there— or at least worried myself up into to thinking about the consequences of that.

I remembered that it'd been a long time since I'd blogged about anything other than yarn today as we played softball and my mind was anywhere but in the game. I remembered it'd been a long time since a lot of things had happened to me and that I no longer need to think about them. I forgot that every once and a while, it's okay to trust someone. I remembered that my overly apologetic nature is something I need to overcome, but still maintaining that sense of adhering to my ideals.

I finally came to terms with the idea that I'd never really been in love this week. Sure I have loved people (and still do love people) that have been with me and been in love with what I thought I could have with them, but I don't think that I've ever been in love. I always told myself growing up that I'd be willing to do anything at all for someone I truly loved, but I haven't felt that way about anyone outside of my family and a few friends that are platonic in nature. I just don't see there being any other definition, either. Anything else is a compromise and settling. There's nothing wrong with that if that makes you happy, but I don't find happiness in that idea.

I won't forget Fiesta 2007 for a long time. I had a great time with everyone I met this year and despite missing King William Fair, I had the best experience with the festivities I could ever have wanted. I'll definitely be volunteering at NIOSA again next year. Next year I'll have to get to the Mannerchor too.

I sit happy today for all that I have learned and all the experiences to come... I hope the same for you— wishes for a good week ahead to all :~)
Currently listening:
Neon Bible
By Arcade Fire
Release date: 06 March, 2007
 
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Monday, April 23, 2007 1:15 AM

Current mood:  hyper
Category: Movies, TV, Celebrities
I got to meet Amy Singer, goddess and keeper of the fabulous online mag Knitty, this wekeend. She's freaking awesome! I got her autograph on my own copy of No Sheep For You and a great photo...

Amy Singer Class

along with the knowledge she imparted to us in the class I took at Hill Country Weavers. The shop itself is totally amazing. I had to leave to prevent further damage to the bank account. We got samples of Louet Euroflax Worsted and Classic Elite Bamboo to knit with and man were they ever different. I split the linen a few times and the bamboo is just oh so silky.  Made me totally rethink the use for the bamboo yarn I bought at Rosewood last weekend. I think that I feel a skirt coming on.

Other than that, I bound off for Asana and just need to do the finishing. Here's what I have as far as the pieces are concerned:

Knitting—Asana Unfinished

I hope to have that done by next weekend, but I have a lot on my plate this week as far as I'm concerned. Damn Andy made me feel guilty I have no FOs yet, so I have to finish this one. I'd love to wear it to King William Fair this Saturday, but I know that I literally have Monday and Friday night to work on it with any serious concentration. I need to cast for new stuff too.

I spent Saturday spinning silk— and actually have pictures. They're from Sunday, but hey, I actually have me in the act:

Spindling—Tussah Concentration 

The whole time I kept thinking of my boss because earlier this week I corrected her about yarn unintentionally, but it had a lot to do with the concept of spinning. I broke out the tussah silk to think about it more and it is EVER so delicious. Check it:

Spindling—Tussah Silk First Spin

No matter how crappy this stuff comes out, I WILL knit it into something. After I dye it. I decided to just go whole hog and make this my first handpainted or spiral-dyed yarn. I think that I might make a little something for the lady that prompted the spinning. I found a great pattern for something I think she might actually wear and I can spin enough yarn for without having my arms fall off.

I was supposed to go to Austin's wedding shower this Sunday as well, but missed that. I was having one of those scared-to-go-to-meet-people, especially couples, day. I will be at the wedding, no problem, but I just felt intimidated by the more "intimate" environment. I sat pretty quiet through the class, too. One thing about knitters though, you get them talking about fiber and a myriad of other subjects will follow.

I came back on Sunday for a get together at the Miller's as volunteer appreciation for NIOSA this week. I'll be working the football toss with them on Wednesday. Tuesday is more catcher fun, only this time I have shin guards for the game. I get some art time on Thursday and Sunday, so that's nice— McNay on Thursday and the Sculptor's Dominion on Sunday.

Busy week full of fun ahead... hope all is well in the world with everyone and that Fiesta week treats you well! Hasta luego! ;~)
Currently listening:
A Weekend in the City
By Bloc Party
Release date: 06 February, 2007
 
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007 4:30 AM

Current mood:  moody
Category: Art and Photography
As I near the end of the knitting of Asana, I began to think about what I want to knit next (obviously from the last post). I found three things that take advantage of the stash and will place Sizzle on the back burner for a bit while I get another yarn to knit it with. I think I know what yarn I want to use, I just need to figure out what other projects to order yarn for at the same time. Thank goodness mama is a pattern collecting fiend.

The first pattern is a really cool scarf/shrug thing called the Turtleneck Shrug from the Interweave Knits Scarf Style book. Check it:



Perfect for Texas weather. I want to use a cotton/silk yarn rather than the recommended wool, but I'm worried about the stretch. I'll find out how it's going after a few inches, I'm sure or if someone advises me not to in the knitting group I queried. Cotton has a much more limited stretch than wool, but it's a one size fits all pattern, so I'm hoping that the ease offered by the rib pattern will give me the fit I want. Hmmmm... negative ease can be a pain to figure.

Next is the tank that's stealing the yarn for Sizzle:


(Picture from a German blog I can't read— Fadenallerlei— but I really like the look with the variegated yarn.)

Recognize the knotwork? It's from the Viking Turid, but a much less daunting endeavor for a first cable project. The pattern comes from Elsebeth Lavold's Book One Viking Knits Collection, which I am dubbing the MOST AWESOME PATTERN BOOK EVAH for the amazing knotwork patterns. Menja is an amazing pattern to be revealed with the yarn purchase. There are a couple of easier patterns in the book, but I need to order the yarn as they are all a bit bigger projects. Good thing the whole book uses a yarn that isn't all that pricey for "good" yarn and is still in production.

Well, there are actually two more, but no photos to be found and one requires new yarn. I think I'm a bit too tired from work to be getting all emotional about anything or even thinking about writing a "purposeful" blog as of late. Thoughts about anything much more than yarn are fleeting... oh well. This is a good thing... I'll get more into that later, eventually, I'm sure.

Oh, and the softball team is 0 and 3... wish us luck tomorrow :~)
 
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