DEADGUY vs. THE MIDGET

Everyone is always asking for the story about the midget so here it goes

When we were on tour with Bloodlet there were a number of mishaps with shows falling through and things of that nature...well one time Jim left his bag of clothes in Orlando, Florida and we had to go back to get them...in turn we missed a show in Pennsacola but actually played somewhere else in Florida that nite

Anyway, the next show was in Fort something or other in Texas, some 20 hours away. During our overnite drive to Texas we stopped in the hell pit that is known as New Orleans. We arrived about 3:30 AM and cruised the puke-ridden streets. The place pretty much sucked, we had no money, no food and the only things open were bars.

Time passes...we get bored...we walk back to the van.......

So we're walking. there's 7 of us, me(dave),crispy,tom,jim,pops, and our roadies samson and greg. we turn a corner into the home stretch and we see these 3 people walking on the other side of the sidewalk, 2 full size men and 1 midget women, of course we just continue to walk...not looking for trouble and then it begins

"Hey Faggots, that's right you faggots over there"

You would think that maybe one of the guys would be saying it but no!! It was the midget calling us faggots!!! Right in the center of New Orleans...we laugh.

The midget gets a little more raucous "hey faggots...why don't get your faggot asses out of here"

Then one of the guys starts getting into it, I think it was her boyfriend....it was no longer funny, they started coming towards us and then the other guy would pull the dude back onto the sidewalk, all the while taunting us.

Tom is getting pissed. Jim is ready to fight, so of course he says "You're a midget!!!! That's so funny...You're a goddamn midget" and then he starts laughing manaically.

Now the boyfriend is pissed...don't call his girlfriend a midget, it's not like she's 3 feet tall or anything.

The midget at this point is going nuts...she's trying to get the guy to go over to us but the other dude is holding him back as he's screaming that he has a gun....

we move on...the midget and her full size friends stay there and harass other passersby and the dude gets in some dorks' face so we all go running at them, ready to fight(with Tom as our leader) and then they back off and go the other way. Being the kind citzens we are, we go rushing back to the van, jump in and grab all of our tour weapons; bottles, bats, nunchucks and start driving around looking for the midget posse to beat the shit out of them.

We never found them.

I'll hit a midget, and I know the other guys will too....it doesn't matter if it's a girl or guy all midgets are fair game in the world of DEADGUY

JIM GETS IN A FIGHT

Alright, this is a tough one. Our day started out simple enough, we had a show in Boston, it started at 1pm we were approximately 4 1/2hours away. I got a new job and don't have a phone yet so it was left to Pops to score a rental van. He didn't. We decided to take Jim's van which we broke down in the last time we took it to a show up in Rochester.

Things are moving along fine and about 2 hours into the trip nature calls. We stop at some rest stop on 84 and relieve ourselves. I really had to go so I jumped out, did my business and went back into the van. At some point this weird Ted Etoll (promoter from Albany) looking guy walks into the restroom and tells Jim he looks like Jesus Christ(he does), Jim tells him he looks like an asshole and the guy gets all loud.

At this point I go back to the bathroom only to find this guy talking nonsense to Jim, Chris and Crispy. The guy calls Jim a "long haired faggot" and pushes him,(meanwhile the attendant at the rest area calls the pigs) so Jim grabs the guy and smashes his head into the wall of the stall, leaving an impressive dent. Crispy is laughing so hard he almost throws up. I'm screaming "holy shit" and running in circles as we all laugh our heads off.

The guy is out. He quickly wakes up and we try to split, but the cops get there and want to ask us some questions. The cop is huge. We're in the van and Chris literally almost pees his pants with laughter. The cop asks us what happened and we told him we were a dumb band pasing through and that this guy hassled us. It turned out that his little brother had some crappy punk rock band and he let us go....just like that.

So, we get to the show in boston just as converge finishes; we play, leave, and proceed to break down in Greenwich Conn. Just like the time we broke down going to Rochester the power steering belt flew off and we overheated shortly after. As if that weren't enough we had to go through all these winding roads to get to the town nearby. It's yuppieville. Jim goes into some bar for a few cocktails and immediately we go commando and set the van up to hide in. I had the AAA and Jim had the van so the other guys hid in the back for the 2nd time as we were towed back to NJ. The tow truck driver used a lot of foul language and eventually dropped us off in Jersey City . Although it wasn't as bad as the last time it never should have happened even once. This is ridiculous. There is a curse on our heads. Whoever did it will be found and destroyed.

BREAK DOWN IN BALTIMORE

Okay here's the deal...we drove down to Baltimore in a van our guitar player Chris borrowed from work...everything seemed to be going fine...we got Baltimore and met up with our pal Brent who was doing the show...we waited through 2 bands who played a long time and finally got set to rock...in the first song the power blows out...then in the 2nd song the power blew out...then in the 3rd song the power blew(notice a trend here?) So while Brent resolves the situation we meet up with our 1 fan (not that skinhead from Philly) whose name is Josh, we exchanged pleasantries during the pauses and eventually continued through our power metal set...after the show we head to the Paper Moon eatery...as we attempt to park a mysterious noise arrives and the steering cuts out...no big deal unless we need to turn,which we did...so we drive the van to Brent's house to wait for the morning to fix it..

At Brent's we find out he has a swank apartment and sculpts strange little figures of distorted people...he told us a funny story about a fat girl with a peanut allergy that he knows...here's that story

"we were at a party last nite and this fat girl we don't like was all drunk and acting stupid she was dancing around and being dumb then her big fat knee gave out and she hit the floor. We all sat there dumbfounded until she started screaming that she wanted to die "Bring me the peanut butter, I want to kill myself...Give me a goddamn Reeses I want to die"

That's the end of the story.
Thanks Brent.

Okay..so we go to this auto parts store in the ghetto and buy a bunch of power steering fluid...it quickly pours out and we're screwed again...we break down. Being the resourceful gents we are we call AAA who basically give us the finger...A driver finally arrives to tow us to a station that can fix our van...except none are open, so we strike a deal to get towed back to NJ...

I attempt to call the club to tell them and some women answers the phone and thinks I'm faking it...bite me lady.

now if you people don't know this, no one is allowed to ride in a car(van) being towed...since there are 5 of us and the cab only held 2 the other 3 had to hide in the van...yes, folks we're grown men hiding in a van, sad isn't it. The 3 hr ride to Nj takes approximately 6 hours with Dave in Chris in the cab and Pops,crispy and Jim in the van (hiding) our driver stopped at literally every rest stop on the ride and the guys in the back couldn't get out because we were illegally stowing them away....eventually we get to New Brunswick and the van gets dropped on to the street,as this is happening Jim begins to freak out from the ride...He throws his backpack and hits the horn...our driver freaks out and I quickly jumped in and pretended like a bag just fell off the dashboard...The whole charade could have come to a grinding halt...but we were saved by the stupidity of our tow truck driver.....

There is a lesson here kids...rent a van or end up like DEADGUY

Sorry we couldn't make it...next time we'll follow our own advice

Just for shits and giggles, I put the address of the old Deadguy rehearsal/venue house (149 Somerset St. New Brunswick, NJ, in case you don't feel like sifting through the huge bio) into Google Earth, and this is what I got:



A fucking parking lot. Somehow, that doesn't seem right to me. Google Earth isn't totally correct, however - I put my old house in Bridgewater, NJ into the search engine and it pointed to my neighbor's house instead of mine. So, I'm guessing that one of those houses on either side is the old Deadguy house. Any of you old show-goers able to identify the place from an aerial view?

So yeah, the moral of this story? Google Earth stalking is the shit. Give it a shot.