picked up another hitchhiker of a feeling
nowhere to go
just driving
almost out of gas
coasting down this empty road
evicted from my mind
left without packing
everything that was mine
picked up another hitchhiker of a feeling
its a shame he was left behind
barreling down this road
in a  rusty studebaker
he said
were driving to the inner city
to find a saint there
righteous and divine
i said i feel fine
ill get out here
he said
no
no one gets out alive
drove through another nightmare of a memory
know that its alive
did you lock the door?
now it is inside
waiting in line
for some handouts
sorry were  closed
everybody else knows
stop coming here
find somewhere else
leave me alone
drove through another nightmare of a memory
pull over to the side
this is just a little scratch
clench my teeth
face turns white
take it all in stride
dont ask me why
your still strung out
dont  you fucking lie
im still alone
while your still off getting high
and when the dope is all gone
you come running home
you like living high?
blistering through the atmosphere
like a red satellite
everyone else sees it
everything grows
while you just burn out and die
picked up another hitchhiker of a feeling
looked in the rearview
a face that matches mine
its a shame that i was left behind

so close to this disaster
my face is warm from the heat
fake smiles
shake my hand
ill still let them cut me down
i still walk with broken feet
come sit next to me
we can warm our hands
next to this disaster
set the alarm
when the world ends
i wont feel guilty
ill collect cans and grow a garden
this disaster
is a masterpiece
keeps me warm at night
along with burning twenty dollar bills
the horizon is black as cancer
but i see a light
i feel fine
come sit next to me
we can warm our hands
next to this disaster
sound the alarm
when the world ends
i wont feel guilty
ill drive a rusty cop car and collect copper
this disaster
is a masterpiece
keeps me warm at night
along with burning twenty dollar bills

with all your scars gone you look so pretty
such a pity that now you think your better than most
truth be told
i felt like i loved you till it ate away a part of me
i used sit up at night
drinking coffee and chain smoking in the dark
listening to all the things youd say to yourself
irony?
i wasnt even there
we where on the telephone
youd tell me you felt so alone
id walk across town
then youd tell me to go home
i was so gone inside my head
there never really was a home
i know now that i cant swim
interrupted
"whats this all about?"
"why are you calling me now?"
"at four thirty in the morning?"
but you called me
"im sick of it josh"
"you never have anything important to say"
"dont you get it?"
"i made you go away"
"i like my life this way"
hold on
i saw a movie with a man once
who was smiling while he was dying
said it was because he was surrendering
said he was sick of fighting
"josh its four thirty in the morning, go to bed and get some sleep"
but you called me
just hear me out
i know im not making sense but im trying
"youve got thirty seconds"
alright so....
" i changed my mind i dont have time for this"
i just wanted to say
you never took the time to fully get to know me
for me to be a priority
sorry for your loss
my condolences
-------------------------------------------------------

habitual
every moment of the day
my entire life
built on lies
i dont even know myself
ive got a game to play
lets see how many ways
i can manipulate the truth
everything i am
hollow
devoid of truth
everything i touch
hollow
everything i say
empty
habitual
repeated
everyday
ill stay here
as long as you let me lie to you
let me keep you ignorant
ignorant and hollow

(written for the stranger i thought i knew, i stayed hollow and ignorant for a while)

spent more time than i can afford
wasting away time that wasnt mine
hoping you would change your mind
there is a memory that i hold onto
everytime i swallow it down
its bitter
my vision is blurred as this gets brighter
just like a star, dying out
i reach for it
gifting myself with blisters
closing my eyes
to painful to watch your departure
to hard to look into those stained glass eyes
as they tell me that nothing matters
especially me
go figure
the desperation
like an asthma attack
or the fear of asphyxiation
everything fades to black
all i hear is cold stale laughter
when this dies out
im not coming back
ill wait until the memories are no longer remembered
then
maybe after

i recorded the sound of myself dying once
on a cassette tape
i left out on a window sill
so willing
to leave
before there was a door
dug a hole through the wall
poked my head through
white static played on a stereo
funneled through a metal coffee can
and a warped vinyl
of someone coughing
had my bags packed
so willing
walked down a street
id never been on before
in a town id never been in
every face was so familiar
same one in the mirror
except these ones
would look me in the eye
through the rain and soft glow of headlights
i saw it
skimming just along the surface
fingers came close to filtering the underneath
hesitated
backed off
in awe
pulled over
got out
the ground was soft
started running
in disbelief
back on that old familiar street
pulled out my keys
took the note i wrote off the door
"cant run with broken feet, off to find a doctor, or someone to fix me"
kicked my shoes off on the floor
decided not to leave
now its time to get some sleep
so willing

im ok
i feel fine
seems i never say anything right
stay quiet
ill learn
not to sit inside the fire
 and paint myself with burns
those faces, those voices
i try to stay on the other side of the street
im alright
im good
just talk with my head down
stare at my feet
mumble a few words
till they drift away
ten years ago, yesterday at 2:15, today
i should know
im not always that well off
but in my head
im always good to go
someone else that used to know me
cant say hello
for the best i suppose
being alone isnt so lonely
when the ghosts wont go away
i think i need one day
where its just me
getting further away
from everything thats trying to poison me
i should know
im not always that well off
but in my head
im always good to go
listen
you can hear them
catering to my disposition
making sure i stay stuck inside todays nightmare
sorry
heres my resignation
i finally woke up
i may not always be good to go
but at least im going somewhere

its like a postcard
on the back
theres a picture of a palm tree
"wish you were here"
i miss you
scribbled out in black
yeah
wrote that to myself
just for today
im not going back
seeing the face behind the mask
realizing the mirror was never lying
its true
you were really dying
but now its different
you live a life
the life that you took back
its that feeling
the voice on the other end of the telephone
so comforting
when you feel like your three feet from dying
one foot in fighting your way to freedom
overwhelmed by stress and your crying
its that silence in the morning
the sun painting the walls
cool breeze coming from the window
a hug from someone you havent seen in a while
a smile
so genuine
it stretches five miles
lasts almost the entire day
and at the end you still remember why
that
is comfort

no one talks anymore
their mouths move
standing still upon that hill
ignorance is suffocation
stick around in denial for a while
and youll learn that reality loses patience
attacks you with your back turned
never waiting to see faces
omni-present
different places
that was four years ago
did i really say this?
from creation to cremation
ashes in the sea
is that the only difference between?
living and aging
existing and surviving
dying or thriving
and this is the area
where they determine what gray is
and all im really trying to say is
at times it seems
like no one really talks anymore
their mouths move
they just change places
life
live it right
or become part of a collection
of graves someone visits on a yearly basis
yeah life
try to freebase or mainline that shit
get taught the lesson real quick
move into the cellblock
thats six feet below ground
whats that?
its got no windows
just like the closet or the basement
perfect for the crackhead or junkie or what have you
just trying to get by
without having people crash their using places
remember this is permanent
i suggest you look for a different residence
yeah life
embrace it
before we lose it
and become part of a collection
of graves someone visits on a yearly basis