ok so here is the long awaited happy blog. so here it goes

 

shit in my life is sorting its self out. i am so happy now and days, i can dance and write and breath and get this, draw! there was a piered of time where i couldn't do that. i couldn't breath i didn't have motivation to do anything. it wasn't that i was chemicly depressed i was just chained down on a path that wasn't mine. i was in a shitty situation, with shitty options and a shitty outlook on life. now this was all temporary and self inflicted but i didn't even realise what was going on. i felt compleatly drained and well to be honest i made 2 changes in my life. i feel bad that it took me hurting someone to get out but thats what i needed to do. and so i broke up with my bf of 3 months and dropped my mother like a bad habbit and now i am free in life again going down the path that i wanted to and i am doing it for me. not someone that i am seeing and not to make anyone else happy. i am doing it for me on my time in my own way and i am happy. genuanly happy. i can be me and not have to worry about anyone else. now yes i am with some one and we are really happy together and we still have our own lives and ideas and such but we are also enjoying the time we spend together. no we are not codependant and needing to be around eachother every wakeing moment and it is such a relife that i found someone that is ok with me and listens and cares and understands. and even if they don't they try. but all in all things are wonderful. and going the way i wanted. is is such a rality check and i needed it. i can never get distracted from what i need to do or more importantly who i am and who i want to be. and where i go in life b/c of  someone else.

 

this is just a wonderful year so far. and i needed to get back in touch with who i am and what i wanted and as soon as i did that everything that i was putting off to the side to help support sometihng that felt like empty matter sucking the life out of me, rushed back and sparked my life and hapieness. i am so happy and thankful that i have the friends i do as well as a wonderful free spireted bf. ty for helping me through some confusing moments in my life. i love you all.

 

i send love and huggs to all my friends and fam i love you all. ahh i missed this feeling of joy. :)

the bri is signing off to cuddle with my bf. peace!!

 

btw it is good to be back!

so i noticed that the only time i post on here is when i am pissed off or upset. i never post about the good times. and that makes me feel bad but any who i wanted you to know that i am alive and happy.
huggs
Bri  

Ok so here is what is going on. My (now ex) boyfriend broke up with me. This is not new and honestly I'm not surprised. It was good so it was too good to be true for me. but honestly I still love him even through I am realizing he is not the same man I fell in love with but still the sight of him ranches my soul and heart to such a pain I haven't known for years, the sound of his voice picks at my brain and drives me insane. I want to yell at him and scream at him but it would not do any good for the man that I fell in love with is no longer in that body. I just wish I could have those good moments removed from my memory to ease the pain I just wish I could take back my hart for I fear there is nun left for me. And this is why I kept it in a box for so long. But I want to talk to him and apologize for being rude to him at practice and explain to him why I am acting the way I am and tell him why it is so hard for me to even see him. I just wish it had never happened. The entire us thing. And I don't want him to think that I hate him I just want him to know how badly he had hurt me. How he tore my heart into little peaces and blew them to the wind without a care in his hart. I can't drive down the freeway without thinking of him. I can't imagine what he might think of me after how I treated him and ignored him. I wish this could be like every other time where we could just be friends and not care about what had happened. But this wasn't like every other time. My hart was exposed and he spat on it laughed and walked away. I wish I could know what I did wrong. He can't even tell me what had happened. I just feel horrid for how I treated him but still wish to rip him a new one.

*sigh* I need a smoke

*grabs the pack of smokes lights one and returns to bitching to a computer*

 

That's one more thing I am going to be quitting smoking so if I suddenly disappear that's why. But back to me bitching.

 

Why does this shit always happen like this? Why can I not be stronger and accept him as a friend and forgive and forget. Why do I have to love and hate the same man all at once? Damn these human emotions.

ok well here is where i am right now. i am up at 4 in the morning haveing to get up for work in 5 hours, and even after takeing my sleeping pill i can't calm my brain down enough to relax. i keep thinking about people i might have hurt and people that i wish i could hug and people that i will never see them standing and laughing again but rather their name on a stone in some ov3er grwon grass with noone there for them. and sometimes to be honest i feel like that style the 6 feet underground would be easyer b/c then i couldn't hurt anybody and i couldn't over analize things and take my own happy moments away. but don't worry foks i am not thinking of killing my self i have way too much shit to do up here alive. but i am just sorta pissed off at my self b/c one day i will know exactly what i want and then when i get it i sit there and analize everything and brake it down and make my self all upset over it. like  sleep, job appt. friends my bf.
ahh there is a topic. my boy friend. yes folks i am in an exclusive relationship and i love him dearly and i have for a while now. and now we are together and i just feel like i don't please him. it isn't like he sez anything like that it is just something that i conjor up in my brain and i hopethat it is bull shit but i don't know. i know he cares for me and loves me but i want to be able to do anything for him. anything that he wants and well i seem to fail at that.
my friends all seem to be backing away a bit and i dunno if that is me pushing them away but all of a sudden my best friend is haveing shit with her ex bf and her kid and i cant help and she doesn't even want to talk and i am not sure if that is because i have faild my friends or if they really just don't need me around anymore. either way that situation is her battle and i have never goen through anything like that but i still want to know if i can help some how.
my brother sometimesx bothers me well the family situation bothers me alot. here is where my life story comes into play. my mother was an abusiv alcholic (menatlly abusiv) and my father was the enabler and my brother was the scape goat and i was the fam hero that got ignord. as soon as my mother gave up on my brother i became her famly scape goat. and really shot down my self esteem and confidence. now i try to avoid talking to her and that isn't hard seeing as how the divorce is finally through. but my father the major person in my life the only one who supported me and helped me with any of my dreams is now moveing to germany. and he is the biggest influence in my life. in a way i want to move with him but i don't want a new family i do want to be an add on. he is moveing out there to be with this girl that he met and her son. well they both wanted to move out here and my father insist they move there. now i feel abandoned by my father and sorta resent that. and it is all moveing so fast. i just don't know what to do. dispit the fact that i have my bf and my renfair family who is my adopted fam by all means i just feel alone in this world like the only blood relative that tryed to understand and help is now leaving me spinning. and i just want things to go back to the simple days when it was me and my dad at the house talking about how ki ki tryed to catch a bird and insted nocked oer a plant. you know the simple days. we all have them. but now b/c of how badly my mother fucked up my head i am not sure what i can even do for myself. now i am an insainly independant woman but i also have this problem of needing to feel wanted. and right now i don't feel wanted. i feel like a chore that is being dropped. and i don't know what to do.
not to mention i don't know how i am going to make rent this upcomeing month i got my paycheck and well 93 bucks for 2 weeks (one of thoes weeks spent in the hospitial) just is not got to cut it. i am trying to save up money and what not but tis shit is hard as hell. so that sucks. though i do love working where i work and with who i work but i just need more cash flow. i need a second job but it is going to be hard to find one that works with my other job.
and lately i feel as though i have been letting a bunch of people down. my bf, my friends and my ren family. i just havent been their enough for my ren fam. like they needed help moveing and i want there to help and my friends all have their problems one of them not to long ago sent me an e-mail talking about killing themself and i didn't get it till 3 days after and i hated that. and my father well i am not sure what i did to run him off or what i could have doen to keep him here. but i know he is leaving and i am going to be on my own b/c i can't get help from my mother seeing as how she is the one that fucked all this shit up in the first place and my brother well yah i can't get any help from him i just cant. and my fair fam i would feel wrong asking them for help they have enough problems as it is and i just don't know where i can go for help and i don't know who i can go to for a shoulder to cry on and i just hate where things are right now and i have to tell you my fair fam, friends and bf all do more then they know even when it is just a smile or a thank you. and i want them all to know i love them all dearly and i hope that i am more of a help then a burden. i wish i could see me as you all see me and then well i dunno what then but i am sure some things would be easyer to understand.

so now i am sittng here smokeing a cig and to be honest trying not to cry but all i can say formyself is i am getting a crash corce in life and it sucks right now

why could i not have just fallen asleep. i even took an ambian and it isn't working.

so sorry to all that i my have hurt even though you won't read this
thank you to all my friends and famly there for me even if i don't know how to ask for help or a hug
thank you to my bf for being so wonderful and fun
and thankyou to my enimies for giving me strength
and to my friends that have passed RIP