I woke up furry early this morning.  I routinely walked over to my window and opened the curtains, but  nothing happened.  I wasn't blasted with the usual morning light that engulfs the room instantly and makes my pupils shrink into little black dots.  Soo,  I'm standing there like, "Double-U-Tee-Eff?"  Where is the sun?  Then, while I was being dusked on,  it dawned on me that Daylight Savings Time took place this past weekend. The sun is still confused.   (As are millions of people who showed up an hour late for their sunday brunch appointments.)   The sun was given the A-OK to basically "take it's time" for the next 6 months ehh?  If the person who invented "Daylight Savings Time" was still alive,  I'd love nothing more than to interview him/her...  Although,  It'd be a really awful interview because I only have one question to ask... 


"Why do we change our clocks only 1 hour, hmm??"  
          If you're going to fuck up a sunday morning brunch appointment twice a year by 1 hour,  why not just go the distance and manipulate a few other things while you're at it? (that's 2 questions. i lied. I'm sorry, sort of.)   By this I mean,  What if Daylight Savings Time meant turning our clocks forward say... 7 hours?!  not 1 hour, 7 hours:) 1 hour, NOPE. 7 hours, YES:)   NOW,  imagine the events that would ensue...

"After a long night of partying,  Geraldo Rivera slept in the next morning until 9PM!"

OR

"Timothy,  We're going to Grandmas for dinner at 2AM sharp. Don't be late, Timothy!"

(This is all ridiculous.  Just disregard it.)


       Today, I went to the dentist because I love white teeth. *I did show up on time for those of you who wonder;)  I take Daylight Savings Time very seriously and don't let that mysterious lost hour fuck with my day.
        Anywayzah,  as I was typing,  I love white teeth.  Unfortunately, I've been cursed with the curse of also loving red wine, black tea, and espresso which doesn't cater nicely to my love for white teeth.  I might as well be eating a cup of brown bleach for breakfast and a cup of purple paint for dinner (figurateethly speaking).   Anyways,  before I saw the Dentist,  I was directed to the most difficult challenge of human patience.. THE WAITING ROOM.  Now,  I usually like to consider myself fairly at ease, patient, and understanding of most people, places, and things. BUT,  when I get placed in a Waiting Room (@ The Doctor's Office especially),  Things just tend to get blurry and I lose control of all patience, morals, and sometimes my motor skills.  Reasons for this are, but are not limited to...

1. I usually don't care for out-dated magazines from last year.  

2. Hearing a clock tick second by second makes me uneasy. (like Captain Hook!)

3. I always assume for some reason that the other people in the waiting room have a contagious disease that will inevitably spread to everyone else in the waiting room. (I know you do too;) 

4. There's always tension in the waiting room atmosphere!
For Example:  The office door swings open and everyone jolts their head up as if they were expecting Jesus to make an appearance.  But, instead of Jesus, it's just the Doctor's Assistant witha clipboard.  Not Jesus:(  Then, the Assistant calls out a name.. "MORT GOLDMAN!, The doctor will see you now. MORT GOLDMAN!"  At that point,  if you're not Mort Goldman,  then you probably hate Mort Goldman.  Why? Because waiting rooms suck up any common courtesy we tend to have towards others.  It's a bit frightening if you really think about it. THEN,  while you continue to wait,  you start to feel guilty for hating Mort Goldman for no reason.  THEN, you start to wonder.. "If I hate Mort Goldman, does that make me racist against jewish people??"   It's all just an unpleasant chain of events.  You go into the waiting room pleasant, but you leave convinced that you're racist when you're really not.  Now that's twouble.

5.  By the time I actually do get called into the Doctor's/Dentist's/Whomever's office,  I usually forget what's bothering me and why I'm even there in the first place.  Then, I assume that I'm going to get diagnosed with a severe case of memory-loss.  It's difficult to win in this situation.

6.  What is there to look forward to in a waiting room?!
          "Waiting" is something that is usually justified by a nice reward at the end. (Such as a roller coaster ride after a 45 minute line or a new country or city after a 10 hour flight)  BUT, in a waiting room, You wait to wait to wait to wait for news or results that sometimes could affect the outcome of your life. (and the doctors office is always chilly.)   It's basically like letting yourself down in preparation to be let down in certain cases.  
                      
        

       If I actually lived in the dream world that I tend to create now and then and again,  a doctor's office waiting room would somewhat resemble an adult playground.  Maybe in place of an old coffee table.. there could be a pool table!  In place of the faded framed print on the wall,  A dart board!  THEN, Instead of praying for the secretary to come out and call your name ASAP,  you'd really be thinking "Just 5 more minutes, doc! PUHHLEAAASSEE, baby?!  I'm in the middle of a game of billiards with Mort Goldman."  That way,  If by some misfortune, you actually DO have something seriously wrong in your body,  at least you got to play a little pool, shoot some darts, or whatever before the bad news.  Balance! It makes a while worthwhile.


                   Xzibit could do a rendition of "Pimp My RIde" and pimp out waiting rooms instead.  I'd be grateful.  I'm pretty sure I speak for thousands of impatient patients out there as well.   I almost met Xzibit once in San Diego, but almost does't count.  Just ask Brandy. Speaking of "Pimping" things out,  when it comes to TV shows, why not just pimp out everything?  SpongeBob Pimppants.  I watch Spongebob before bed sometimes.  If his pants were pimped out,  I'd watch Spongebob 24/7.  or 23/7? (Daylight Savings Time-speaking).


"I'm Alright" I tell myself twice
In the mirror before I can't go to sleep at night.
At least I'm breathing, at least I'm alive.
<3


P.S. furry=very.  In case you're slow:)
P.P.S. I don't know why this blog is centered.  It is not a poem.
P.P.P.S.  I don't think "PS" is appropriate because this is not a letter.  It's a blog

-Dustin

       "Home for the Holidays."  I never thought a sentence fragment could sound so sweet haha.  It has a nice little ring to it though, right?  Anyways,  it's technically no longer the "holidays",  but in Pittsburgh, the snow just started falling and outside it actually looks  like a winter holiday should look.  Throughout the past few weeks,  I've been indulging myself in the most "By-The-Book" snowed-in activities.  Most notably:  A cozy night by the fireplace w/ a warm glass of milk. ("a warm glass of shut the hell up"-Ben Stiller in Happy Gilmore) along with a good book/movie.   See, I got this Espresso maker and when I get bored,  I like to steam milk and pretend I'm a Barista.  I even bought an apron that says "Kiss the Barista." ...(That was a blatent lie.  thank god.)  I think It's a shame though that  Starbuck's cups are no longer red and festive.  They've gone back to the plain old white. no big deal.  Whatever the case, the snowplows and salt trucks in my area have seemingly taken the season off so driving in this weather is something I've been avoiding most nights.  I learned the hard way last week while I was driving to the gym.  My car decided to go ice skating through a stop sign into a tree.  needless to say,  I did not make it to the gym that day. But, just like the festive red cups that morphed back to white..... no big deal.

         I watch way too much TV at night time.  I say night time because my eyes usually never fix themselves upon a TV screen before 11PM at night.   But, come late-night,  that shit is addicting!  I ALWAYS find something to watch and fall asleep to. It's become routine...  Thennn, at 3AM,  I wake up and catch the most recent infomercials and get sucked in (sometimes until the sun comes back!)  My favorite thing about infomercials is the narrater.  He has a famous patented quote that I crack up at just thinking about...... "BUT WAIT,  THERE'S MORE!!!"      -It's not uncommon to hear that statement 48 times in one infomercial.  And I love it.  Every time I think the infomercial's over,  there's ALWAYS more:).  Is it weird to say I don't really care much for TV shows because I'm too busy watching infomercials?  God forbid I ever dial the 800# though.  I never dial this number.  The products up for sale are never that cool, just the way they advertise them is.  Anyways, The only exception to my late-night TV watching is when the Steelers play at 1 or 4:30PM during the day or something like that.  but that's special.  I like the Steelers.  Other than that,  I am strictly a late-night TV watcher.  What a lovely quality.

            Lately, for some odd reason, even when my body isn't cold, my fingers might be literally freezing numb.  (like right now).  This is why I absolutely love a nice warm glass of "Shut the hell up."  It's pretty much a necessity anymore to keep my fingers from chipping off like icicles.  I think half the pleasure of drinking a steaming hot beverage is holding it to your nose and breathing in the steam before every sip.  "mmmmm" is the only acceptable reaction.  I also like steaming hot tea, cappuccino's, and oatmeal.  

           Whenever my fingers catch a break and my blood flows normally,  I prefer a few glasses of wine in place of  hot milk/tea/etc.  I've gotta make a statement though: Drinking wine in front of a sexy fireplace on a cold night alone is not good for one's self-esteem.  But then again,  you can always snuggle up with the fireplace.  After enough wine, flames can be quite seductive.  They sometimes even throw out a pick-up line or two.  

           When I was younger, my family had a cat named Milton.  He spent his final 3 years literally just sitting in front of our fireplace staring endlessly into the flames.  It was like he was hyptnotized.  Unfortunately,  at the ripe old age of 19 (yes, 19),  Milton decided to part ways with us and the rest of the world.  It was sad but it was kind of like when you read about a 110-year-old lady dying.  At first, the thought of death gives you that morbid feeling until you realize.. "110 years?!" What's to feel bad about that?  That's how it was with Milton.  He lived a much longer life than most kitty cats so I think everyone was just proud of him for sticking around for so long.  Anyways,  I came up with the idea to have Milton cremated.  I mean,  if you sit & stare into a fireplace for 3 years straight,  you must reallllly like fire.  Nevertheless,  We had Milton cremated and I think he's the happiest cat not alive right now.  

           Jumping back on track and going back to the beginning...  I really hope everyone enjoyed themselves over the holidays and treated themselves in every way imaginable.  Some of us depend on the good company of others.  Some of us prefer the treat of a peaceful night alone.  Whatever your fancy is,  I hope you had it and continue to in 2009.

-Dustin