Okay, so I know that there are those of you who have HUGE issues with MySpace and what people choose to do with their MySpace pages. Low key the cyber hoes that pop up on the front of EVERYONE's page used to shock me too but you gotta realize that these girls that may dress like the preverbial harlot are some really cool people.  Granted, I too wish they would put on some clothes....or at least not make the MOST revealing pic of themselves be the default pic, but whatever!, does their attire make them less lovable? Does my hijab?!

And I know that a lot of people are all, "MySpace was cool when there were only a few people on there but now everyone and their mom has a MySpace so it's gay."  Who said that stuff had to be exclusive to be cool?  And HELLO, that's the point, for people who have lost touch to get back in touch or for people who are otherwise secluded in their own little cliques to broaden their horizons and meet a few folks outside of your usual network of friends.

I really appreciate places like MySpace and Facebook because I am TERRIBLE at keeping in touch when it comes to writing letters.  Once I have written the words to ya, I can't be responsible for now folding the letter and finding an envelope and locating a stamp and then actually sealing the envelope and remembering to put it in the mailbox (where it takes the mail people a week to take your outgoing mail anyway). I mean email solved that problem but again, how do you find people through email?  I have been looking for my girls from Santa Fe Prep from likr ten years ago and thanks to MySpace I have reconnected with like ten people (and counting) that really mean a lot to me.

I know that people have issues with the whole stalker live feed that Facebook is doing now but that is helpful too because it is hard to click on EVERYONE's page one by one to see if they updated and what they are doing and whatnot. Especially if you have like a ton of people that you really do care for and genuinely want to know about.  I mean it is hard enough keeping up with family more or less with people half way across the globe.

Anyway, there has just been a lot of negative noise about MySpace and the facebook feed and though I feel the complaints, lets also recognize the good anr realize that the people who made these sites and keeo trying to make people more accessible are really just trying to do a good deed. I know there are a lot of idiots thwarting the good behind these things but hey, the good will prevail right?!

Remember NOTHING can exist without a positive possibility....NOTHING.

To be alone
comes from within.
'Tis an act of will,
a show of peace;
to isolate oneself
in the midst of chaos.

What is it then,
to walk through a world
full of people
but never truly belong?

Eyes that see all the good
humanity has to offer
only to be called naïve,
unrealistic,
and shunned,
never fully accepted.

Everyone's pal
yet no one's best friend
for choosing to live in a world
that dares to defy
the simplicity of malice.
For deciding
to have the courage
to believe in the best
though the worst is shown.

The punishment
is pain of a magnitude
indescribable by words,
undefined by scholars,
unfathomable by all imagination;
but felt
in the deep recesses of one's soul.

Hidden away
by soothing smiles,
playful banter,
intimate moments.

To be alone is a gift
when it is a choice

If it is the result
of being true
to one's values;

to be alone
is hell

"I don't ask Allah for forgiveness because I know He is so merciful and who am I to ask for His mercy, I deserve to be punished..."

bright face

little hands

smiling eyes

soft skin

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

betrayed

I was afraid

of them hurting me

like every man

I've ever loved

Anger

the result of

not getting what you want

produced mainly by

trying to prevent

what one fears most

in the end one is left

creating the pain

that was the purpose

for running away

innocent thoughts

trusting spirits

accepting hearts

free souls

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

broken

I was afraid

of hurting them

like everyone

I have ever loved

"I know now…"

TOO LATE!

"…can guarantee…"

TOO MANY MISTAKES!

but now it's clear

my eyes are open

the danger is real

the solution tangible

I CAN TRUST ME!

I didn't believe

I didn't know

I was worth the chance

and them

an extension of me

unworthy

of the best I had to offer

(subconsciously of course)

translated into

reckless indecision

blind awareness

What has changed since that night?

I am no longer afraid

nor trying to impress you

I will not settle

I can handle being alone

if the alternative is

compromising myself

I deserve help

whether I can "pay you back" or not

help that I define

on terms right for ME

not the profile of what you

classify me to be

I deserve the best

from me

so they deserve the best

from me

and

I AM NOT AFRAID

to receive it

You can't have them

that is not the answer

I have much to learn

and tons to grow

but I am the best for them

I have searched for better

convinced that I was best

for no one

because I am nothing

You can not scare me into submission

you will not win this time

your rules forced me

to think myself weak

doubt what I knew

shy away from my needs

but I have grown wings

in the face of this reality

and you

CAN NOT HAVE MY CHILDREN

not now

NOT EVER!

that chapter is over

I will not concede

my book is yet unwritten

forget what you think

you know about me

I am no longer afraid of losing

"everything"

I only fear His wrath for

the gifts He bestowed upon me

that I took for granted

because they weren't "packaged"

the way I wanted

and they came earlier than asked

I know this is my last chance

to thank Him properly

He will not warn me again

I forgot what I know about Him

I was afraid of losing "everything"

but not afraid of His wrath

yet what is "everything"

but Him!

HE says "be" and it is

HE created me worthy of existence

HE put the warnings in my heart

and I ignored His answers

because what was wrong for me

looked right to them

and who am I

to listen to me

to receive guidance from Him…

He is the most merciful

but this is my last warning

and I will not forget

my fear is absolved

I apologize profusely

I REPENT

finally I find myself worthy

of asking for His forgiveness

I humble myself to Him

La Ilaha il Allah

Muhammad Rasul Allah

This is how I begin…

sometimes I wonder what drives a caterpillar to decide to create a cocoon so it can hide and then emerge into this beautiful, beautiful butterfly

and then at the same time I feel compelled to ask god if change comes that easy well then why couldn't I have just been born a butterfly?

and sometimes I begin to wonder things like

why do abused women stay and continuously pray for a change that will make their homes a safe place to live with men who hate them because they

breathe to loudly or because they

keep getting back up or because they

exist and their mere existence is a constant reminder of what they lack as men

what makes these women unpack and pack and unpack and pack and unpack and pack their bags over and over and over again and

what makes these women continue to love these men and

why do the rest of us brag about how strong we are for not being in their shoes yet we fail to recognize how strong you've got to be to wear those shoes in the first place and

aren't they just running from the truth like the rest of us?

so I ask god

why couldn't I have been born one of these women? 

I mean did you know that I would be too weak to survive or

that I wouldn't be alive at this very moment to even write this poem and

why do I feel jealous of them for loving someone enough to risk

being hurt?

sometimes I wonder things like if

homeless people are really talking to themselves or could they truly be talking

to angels?

I wonder if they can see life in angles that my eyes can no longer even see you see

they are completely free from those everyday things that bind me so I

hope that they don't mind me eves dropping on parts their conversations

I'm hoping to overhear the keys to life or maybe just write down some of their jibberish so I can take it home, decode and discover what is the key to their survival

because you see upon our arrival to this earth, not one of us was told where that next blessing would come from or where that next trial may lay so we now

pray half hearted to a god we no longer even know

but occasionally, occasionally we will say hello to him when we see him standing on the side of street corners as he's begging us

for change

but instead of nickels and dimes he'd much rather have a piece of our time so he can sit down with us and

explain to us why it is we weren't born butterflies or

why we weren't born women who are daily battered or

why it is that we even matter you see

he came to give us

change

He wants us to be able to speak in tongues with homeless angels so that we can see life in other angles besides just 90 degrees because

contrary to popular belief and geometry

that angle is not always

right

sometimes I wonder why we fight life

and why do we fight love

and why do we fight falling in love with life

and I wonder who would I be if I never ever learned to write would I just exist creatively constipated or find another way to express myself to a world that could care less about my first name

would I have the same types of views on the rights of black people if I were born white or if I were raped and impregnated would abortion then be all right and if I had to watch my family starving to death would that justify my stealing

and how does the lethal injection offer families emotional healing?

and how do you tell somebody you love them without exposing yourself and how you're truly feeling or are there

just some questions in life that only get answered by you going through the actual experiences you see

contrary to appearances this life is just one big stage where we all walk around modeling silk cocoons to impress a room full of people who could

probably care less

so why not

just walk out there stark naked

but with wings

exposing yourself to everything and everything to yourself without fear of being judged for what you say or what you do

why can't you just learn to be content with being you and allow me to be me and

why can't we see that though our wings come in various shapes, sizes and colors and patterns

we are all butterflies in the end so in the end it no longer even matters anymore how beautiful you think your wings are what matters is how strong they become from use because

what is the purpose in you being a butterfly if you spend your entire life inside

of a cocoon

LISTEN TO THEA MONYEE PERFORM THIS POEM: http://www.urbanpoets.biz/music-5.html
                         

So I talked to my friend Clifford last night just to see how he was doing.(no his name is not really Clifford but that's what we're calling him-don't ask why) He's not the most divulging guy as far as his personal business goes but last night he talked a bit and his predicament astounded, appalled, and angered me.

"They are gonna deport me on Wednesday unless I appeal.  I can decide to take one of the job offers I have in Dubai and just go willingly and then try to come back [to the USA] in ten years or I can have my lawyer appeal it and stay here for one more year."

"Well, if you appeal it then maybe you'll win next year.  I mean you are married and you are a father of two kids, doesn't that count for something?"

"Not anymore PeachesJ. My eldest daughter was born 2 months after that new law was passed that if you have kids that were born here it wasn't an argument for you to stay.  There were a lot of Mexicans crossing the border like a week before they were due, having their babies here and then arguing that they had to stay and take care of their children.  And then they didn't have jobs or anything so they were on assistance and whatnot so it became a financial drain. The only reason my lawyer keeps appealing is because he wants them to make new laws, but none of the immigration laws they pass pertain to me. Plus they have charged me with hella felonies and it's all kinds of fucked because the only one I am guilty of is being here illegally."

"So……" [AND THIS IS THE PART THAT MAKES ME LIVID]

"I mean, I am not on any government assistance at all. No food stamps or welfare or anything like that.  I have owned a business for years that has supported my mother and father and brothers and sisters, who are all American citizens.  I own a house, I own cars and I pay all my taxes on time.  It's funny because the taxes I pay are helping to support those American citizens that need government assistance, which is cool with me.  What's fucked up is that they are trying to kick my ass outta here because being an illegal immigrant automatically means financial drain on society."

I am so angry I don't know what to do with myself.  I know some of you are probably focusing on the fact that he is here illegally, and some of you are thinking, well what if he is guilty of the felonies they are charging him.  Okay and what if he is?  That doesn't change the fact that this guy is 33 years old and his long list of accolades includes; owning a flourishing pizza business (who's proceeds he uses to support his parents and siblings), purchasing a house for his parents, purchasing a house for himself (2 of his brothers live with him), a car for his brother and a car for his sister, and financially supporting his wife and two children (you wouldn't believe how many men DO NOT do that).  Not to mention that he is not only my friend, but he is a friend to anyone he meets.  I mean this guy is like too good to be true.  And no I do not have feelings for him (although I think I probably should ;)) but I just realize what an asset to society he. He is a great role-model and a humanitarian and the only crime that he has committed is that he is in this country illegally.  I don't know, I just feel like if he has to leave, my faith in this government's ability to discern what is truly best for the people of this nation will be shaken more severely than it ever has been.  I am really angry and even worse, I am extremely helpless to help someone who has been there for me through the most trying times of my life…..I am so sorry

A girl named Candice once told me, "Not everybody can be as happy towards the world as you PeachesJ, you don't live in the same world as us. People aren't all sweet and kind in the real world…"

I must admit, her tone set me off.  She was chiding me and she said that I "didn't live in the same world" as if I was able to be happy because nothing bad had ever happened to me, as if my worst struggle I had ever experienced was trying to decide what to eat for breakfast.  She was so damn patronizing I could have choked her, so my response took the tone of a telling off. Sharp, loud and matter of fact, I retorted;

         Oh I live in the same world, I just choose to observe it in a different way. I choose to be kind to people who decide they hate me without first getting to know me.  I expect the best out of people even when they show me their worst.  I appreciate people and I try to let them know that.  And I find the good in EVERYONE I come in contact with especially if I "dislike" them.  Oh I live in the same damn world that you do I just choose to reject its negative affects as often as I can and I choose to fight everything bad that this world shows me with a laugh and an embrace instead of wallowing in bitterness and scorn and because of that fact people are different to me for the most part…

I shared that story with my mother as we were talking about how much Candice reminded me of my maternal aunt.  My mother's response confirmed that Candice was right.

I guess it's time I started living in the "real" world…..but I don't know how……..

1] Is there someone who you like at the moment?
Unfortunately Yes

2] Have you ever given or been given roses?
Given roses...never received...hint hint ;)

3] What is your all time favorite romance movie?
50 First Dates...or maybe the Princess Bride...The Mirror has two Faces?...I can't pick one

4] How many times can you honestly say you've been in love?
One (and by that I mean Unconditionally)

5] Do you believe that everyone has a soul-mate?
At least one

6] Do you think that you should become friends with someone first?
I think it makes it easier

7] Have you ever had your heart broken?
Shattered would more accurately describe it

8] What do you think about long-distance relationships?
Totally do-able....anything is if you want it badly enough

9] Your thoughts on online relationships?
Hmmmmmm....pending

10] Would you rather date someone five years older or five years younger?
Older now but in 20-30 years the answer to that will prolly be younger =D

11] Have you ever seen a friend as more than a friend?
Who hasn't?

12] Do you believe the statement, "Once a cheater always a cheater"?
Hell no...I believe that ANYONE can change

13] How many kids do you want to have?
In addition to the two I already have...I'd say 7-9 more (but only if I can have 'em all at once and get it over with)

14] Do you usually fall for a wrong boy/girl or the right boy/girl?
The right guy....he's just eluded me for a decade

15] What is/are your favorite color(s)?
Purple

16] What are your views on gay marriage?
Maybe they will bring the "sanctity" back into marriage

17]Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I don't think so?

18] Are you the one who makes the move or do you wait for them?
Hullo...ten years (see question 14)...obviously I wait...and wait...and wait (patience is a virtue)

19] Imagine you're 79 and your spouse just died, would you remarry?
If I found someone I felt like marrying...yeah

20] Do you think remarriage is betrayal?
Not so much

21) What age did you start noticing the opposite sex?
What do you mean...boys have cooties...YUCK!

22] What song do you want played when you walk down the aisle?
I'll let Hidaayah pick for me...

More ?'s.

1. What is your Boyfriend/girlfriends name?
Go to hell =P

2. What color underwear/boxers wearing now?
Actually I'm naked under my clothes... =D

3. What are you listening to right now?
Hidaayah talking

4. Whats your favorite number?
Nine baby...yeah

5. What was the last thing you ate?
This bomb ass chicken sub from Crazy's pizza in Westland off of Venoy between Michigan and Palmer

6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?
The brightest color in the box!

7. How is the weather right now?
I haven't been outside since 9am =(...but it's summer in Michigan so I'm guessing Hot and Humid (even at 11pm)

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
I'm on with Hidaayah right now...YAY!

9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
Personality...or whatever stands out...eyes, smile, the usual

12. Do you smoke?
No...got the asthma...besides...I'm a singer and black lungs don't do much for sound production ya know

14. Hair color?
Dark brown...with reddish highlights cuz of the Native American roots

15. Eye Color?
Light Brown

16. Do you wear contacts?
no...but don't tell the optometrist

17. Favorite Holiday?
Any Holiday where the familia gets together so this year it is Matu's wedding...YAY!

18. Favorite Month
The UNcold months

19. Have you ever cried for no reason?
Yes...it is very cleansing

20. What was the last movie you watched?
Failure to Launch....great flick...in the dollar movie at Briarwood Mall

21. Favorite Day of the Year?
Any day that I am with people I love

22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Not anymore

23. If you could say something to someone right now what would it be?
I love you...(that always makes someone smile...and it's true)

24. Hugs or Kisses?
Both=D

25. Chocolate or Vanilla?
Strawberry

26. Do you want your friends to respond to this?
YES!

27. Who is most likely to respond?
Good question....My Spamela Amberson...I lovem her

28. Who is least likely to respond?
The Sound of Reason

29. What books are you reading?
The Prophet by Khalil Gibran (probably the best book ever written) keep a look out for upcoming blogs I will be quoting a few of his passages....great stuff

30. Piercings?
my ears since I was 6 months old!

31. Favorite movie?
Are you serious...who has just ONE favorite movie?

32. Favorite football Team?
It depends on my mood

33.What were you doing before this?
Working...goddamn Arab American National Museum

34. Any pets?
3 kittens...so cute

36. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
How 'bout Kettle Corn...buttery Kettle Corn...YUM!

37. Dogs or cats?
Cats....by far

38. Favorite flower?
Lilacs...

39. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to?
Who hasn't

40. Are you taken or single?
My heart is taken but I am single...

41. Have you ever loved someone?
I thought we covered this already

42. Who would you like to see right now?
JP...or Kal...or Hidaayah....no, no...Kal and that's my final answer

43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?
Naw...we moved a lot...Actually maybe...I think I went to kindergarten at the madrasa...if that is where I met Sabra then yes...Good times....(too old to remember them but good times)

44. Have you ever fired a gun?
Not yet!

45. Do you like to travel by plane?
Yes but I also LOVE road trips

46. Right-handed or Left-handed?
Right-handed but I am working on becoming ambidextrous (I prolly won't succeed by the way)

47. If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?
Didn't I answer this already? (see #42)

48. How many pillows do you sleep with?
Two...and some kittens, some clean clothes that I need to fold, and for a half an hour in the morning, my boys =)

49. Are you missing someone?
tons of folk thanks for reminding me...JERK!

50. Do you have a Tattoo?
No, but I want to get one but I am afarid because of my fluctuating body weight and who wants a misshapen tat!

51. Are there people on your myspace page that you would date or go on a date with?
Let me check....Spamela Amberson!...kisses!

Apparently Jesus died for my sins and if I don't ACCEPT that he did such by getting myself saved then I am guaranteed hell.

I guess it sucks to be me.  It also sucks that that was the conclusion that we came to after an hour and 48 minutes of talking cause I was at work during that time NOT getting paid.  Being accosted by random people trying to "save" me is the ONLY thing that annoys me about wearing my hijab.  I am such an easy target.

On the flip side though, I was really flattered that this woman cared so much.  She really saw something in me worth "saving" because she doesn't usually spend so much time talking to people like that. Lucky me.

We hugged upon departure; it was a heartfelt hug and both of us walked away with tears in our eyes.  Tears of love and joy that even though (she believes) I am going to hell, I am her sister and she loves me.  She loves me for listening and sharing and I love her for listening and trying (to save me).

I must admit that there were a few moments of anger that I had to stave off.  You know the usual beliefs that Allah sees women as half of men, etc. You know, I have learned by being a mother of multiple children that in order to truly be fair to those you love, you must sometimes do things or make rules that don't SEEM fair.  Regardless of my frustration in not being able to explain things adequately (cause that was really the reason for my anger), and her inability to open my eyes to my "true lord and savior", there was no fighting.  No raised voices (in fact most of the conversation was in lowered tones because I work in a museum.) No outbursts, no displays of noticeable rage, no wars being waged, no cruel intentions (at least not on my part and I don't believe on hers) aimed at the other party, just an ability to speak without offending and listen without defending.........And I can't help but think that it CAN ALWAYS be this EASY!

No matter where I end up (heaven, hell or eternal limbo); on my journey, I hope I always remember that having a discussion/argument, even about something as heated as God, can be as civilized as discussing whether or not chocolate or strawberry is better (the answer is strawberry by the way!)

I am a hopeless romantic AND a die hard enthusiast AND naively optimistic...but mostly I am just a humanist.  I truly believe that human beings are most happy when they are being kind and making others smile even if that mean sacrifice on your part.  People are always saying that "all they want is to be happy" and then they go out and do all this stuff that is supposed to fill that void but doesn't.  Obviously happiness is very difficult to measure because it is subjective, but there are certain things that most people would agree that HAPPY people or at least content people don't do. I am getting off track here.....

What are things that most people say would make them happy?  Being in a relationship with a significant other, having a family or being a part of a family, being able to afford certain luxuries without worry.  Things of that nature.  But think about what it means to be a husband or a wife or a father or a mother or a son, daughter, sibling, grandchild, cousin, aunt, uncle, or even being rich.....all of those positions require great sacrifice.  Yes, even being rich requires sacrifice, whether you had to work to be financially unhinged or whether it was handed to you on a silver platter.  If you are born into money, I imagine there are certain inhibitions that you might experience (like what you say, where you go, what you wear).  Also there is always that fear that you might lose that money, and usually extremely rich people are in the public eye quite a bit so they sacrifice a big part of their privacy. There are also extremely rich people who may or may not have realized that they have sacrificed a big part of their souls (but the latter part could happen to anyone.)

All I am saying is that no matter who you are and no matter how you define your own personal happiness you will most likely find that that which makes you most happy also requires a great amount of personal sacrifice.  That's probably why it makes you so happy...it's like a twisted irony that just has to exist to balance out the world.

Anyway, those are my random ramblings from today in response to a question posed to me earlier about what I "got" out of being nice all the time.  (Which is a gross overstatement of the truth because I certainly am not at all nice to anyone all the time.)  But I love people and unless they do something completely heinous to someone I love, I love people pretty unconditionally.  That is not to say that I don't get angry with people because I do; but usually I forgive them really quickly. (And I can only hope they forgive me.)  I mean I love to see people happy. I love to make people smile and laugh. I love to make people think. I love to do little things for people.  I love to listen to people. I love to talk to people. I love to boost people's self-esteem by telling them things about themselves that are good, whether those things be physical or emotional or whatever.  I love seeing how people can use their strengths to work with other people's strengths to better the world.. I love making people aware of gifts that they either didn't know that they had or didn't realize were significant.  I love seeing people better than they see themselves because I think that most people are their own worst critics even if they don't seem to be.  I just really love people, they are so fun and interesting and crazy and emotional and analytical and serious and reserved and enlightened and naive and spiritual and open but mostly afraid of getting in touch with what it really means to be human.  I believe that true humanity is the self actualization that happiness is finding goodness in everything that surrounds you and dwelling on that instead of the opposite.

Well that's all for me today.  Besides I need to get back to work.  I truly hope that everyone finds happiness but mostly I hope that everyone realizes that they already have everything that they need to make them truly happy.....