I probably should have written this as a thanksgiving piece, but seeing that is a year away again. I will just say I am blessed this Christmas.  Tonight I was talking to my mom about men and just really what different creatures they are then us. (Read Men are from Mars Women from Venus…it makes sense)

Anyway, we spoke about how it seems so many young girls search for completion and affection from guys and how that most of the time, you can look back in their lives, and see they did not have a very strong male figure. This is not always the case, but even statistically it holds some merit. You would not believe some of the things my 14yr old cousin told me about girls in high school these days. Let me put it this way: sex, manipulation, drugs, lies, and many other of the deadly sins rain supreme. 95% of it is for attention. I know it was like that somewhat when I was in school, but it's on a whole other level now.

Today more and more kids are coming from broken homes and more and more sperm donors (since they are not real men, I'll call them just that)

are not standing up to the plate to help raise the children they help bring into this world.

Regardless of all that someones' father is still their father. That father may beat their mother, come out of the closet, beat their children or just be a plain out mean bastards, but the fact still remains, that man is still someones' daddy.

In saying all that I just want to say how blessed I am to have  a WONDERFUL father. He is one of my best friends and he has always taught me how a man should treat a lady. I have so many found memories with him that we can still talk about this very day. (Tamela, dad said yall would have the sing-a-longs to school alsoJ)

You may see my Dad and I around town walking arm in arm ( I don't think anyone thinks I am some old farts girlfriend, since I look almost just like him) We go on dates, to dinner, movies and such. There was a time in my life that my father felt he had let me down so much and thought he had fell of his white steed in my eyes, but today I can say, at 22 yrs old there are very few more noble men who walk this planet. Not only has he fathered 2 great women; he has fathered many more people as a Pastor.

     Besides my Daddy, I have been surrounded my whole life with AMAZING men in my family. The type of men who, even if your 22 years old, when you see them they give you a big hug and kiss and tell you how beautiful their little baby is. I hope they know how much that means to me, because it means the world.

My Uncle Philip, Uncle David, cousin Deamon…. They mean so much to me and I realize how lucky I am to have them all in my life.

All of these men have made me realize that I don't have to settle for any old run of the mill guy, that I deserve someone who will cherish me and worship the ground I walk on. Most importantly, they have made me know, the man I marry I will look first and foremost to the good characteristics of a caring and loving father. Guys out their, it is going to be hard to stack up. Nearly more than anyone else I know I have more great men in my life and that blesses me. 

I truly believe that the reason all these men are so great is because they have my 1 Man in their heart.

Happy Birthday JesusJ

 ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

PS: AS FOR A GREAT MOTHER AND GREAT WOMEN DITTO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had the whole girl looking for love and completion in a mans arms, on my mind.

Anyway, if I would start talking about all the great ladies in my life I would fill many chapters of a book and that book would be called

Esther Marie

It's 4 am and I am awake from coughing.

Man how life moves at such a crazy pace. Before I know it, I will have to be making decisions about the next step in my life. Ever since I have gotten back from Orlando I have been teaching myself guitar and songs have just been coming out like crazy. It is such good therapy. I have some pretty exciting possibilities that may be happening in my life within the next year or so and I want to make sure I am ready for them in everyway possible. Every time I get anxious (which is far to often) I must remind myself, that my steps are ordered by the Lord. I know that I know that I know I will succeed. We are born to succeed not to fail. I think Emerson said something along the lines that you can't achieve anything great without enthusiasm and well; I am a true enthusiast about my future. I am hopeful for my dreams that God placed in me long ago. I will not let go until certain things come to pass, and even then I will just hold on tighter. I have to remind myself by going to tangible things from my past that god has planted certain things in my life that will soon come out from hiding. I have been sick the past week and half (no big surprise there) but have pushed my self so much regardless of how I am feeling. School is going by a little fast this semester. I almost feel like I am not getting all I need before we have test and such. I will deal.

With my birthday coming up this Sunday, I got to thinking about birth and rebirth.

In our lives I think we go thru different birth times if that makes sense. We are born in the natural and many of us are reborn in the sprit. However, I am starting to see a pattern in my life, that every 5-7 years I have some type of birth in my life. Sometimes it is with relationships. Many times it is coming into a deeper understanding of God, and just as with natural childbirth, it is not always easy, but like my mom has always told me "Yes, I hurts like heck, but as soon as you hold that baby, you can't even remember the pain"

 Right now I think I am being reborn artistically in my life. All the new things I am finding within my self excites me. It makes me think "God why did you wait so long to bring this stuff forth" J

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING ARE REAL PEOPLE ALL OF WHOM I KNOW EXCEPT 2. I HAVE BLURRED THE FACES TO PROTECT THE NOT SO INNOCENT IF ANY ONE IS OFFENDED...

BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT :)

As of lately I have noticed what I consider a fad to not be going away.
(I now notice boys trying to look like Jesus and that is the new thing, but that is a whole other blog.)

The fads I want to address are both in a way sexually ambiguous.  
"emo" boy hair – yes I know that to have this hair will not make you "emo" in fact I hate that word, but for you to understand what I mean I need to use that word

This hair is everywhere I look. I thought it would go away, but it has not.
Listen boys I want to see your face; I would like to see your eyes.
I had a friend who had this hair and on a whim went bald.
I had never noticed what beautiful eyes he had until he got rid of the hair

Now I guess there was a time and a place when that hair was ok, but I promise it is over rover.

I love long hair on some people but long all in the face is just not cute.
I mean do you realize you kind of look like THIS

ONCE AGAIN- NOT CUTE

There are so many more attractive looks to choose from. I mean you don't have to go with the fashion, make your own fashion.
And you girls who find this uber attractive, well I will just pray for you

The second thing I want to address usally goes hand in hand with the prior offenders.

Tight jeans,girl jeans on boys, skinny pants, skinny jeans, the painted on look.Whatever you want to call it that is fine. What I choose to call them is-WRONG. I mean slim cut pants are fine for guys and I prefer them to big baggy ones. However when I can see the veins that are in your 'eh, legs then they are just too tight

Besides the fact that they usually make you look like you are walking with a stick up your rear, it can cause health issues.
One of which I am sure all you boys would be worried about.

Here I am a little more then a month away from Pensacola. I like where I am living and enjoy going to the gas station and not always seeing someone I know. There are things going on back home that I am so glad I am not there to be a part of. However, the best part is being with my sister. She is truly one of the great gifts that God has given me. I don't really know what I was expecting from this move, maybe too much, but as of right now I am not seeing to much of the thing that where in my head panning out. However, as with so many things in life, you start out thinking one thing and end up getting something better, so who knows. I am taking one class at the local college here and it is hardcore. We meet twice a week for 4hrs. This class is cramming what would be 16 weeks worth of work into 5 weeks. It is all going to work out just fine though. I am not procrastinating at all with any of my assignments GASP and believe that I will succeed.

When I moved here at the end of May, it was a trial run to see if I should make the move permanent and finish my AA at a school here. However, after thinking long and hard I think I may go back to P'Cola finish my AA, work and save up a lot of money and then possible move back here in 6 months or a year.

On a different, but same note, I have learned about a school here which seems to be pretty amazing. Full Sail University is a media school, which has many different degrees such as, film, production, and recording arts, ECT… The degree I am looking at that they offer is their Entertainment Business degree. Back when I was doing pre-law I was very interested in entertainment law, but just don't want to go to law school. From the tour we went on of the school this degree seems like it would be a good fit for someone like me. I love music and film with a passion, and love the creative side of it, but I think I would be better suited in the business side of it, as least for the most part. It is a very accelerated school and thus a bit pricey. However, since it is like 18 mins from my sisters house, I could live with her and pay very little rent. I am praying about that school as a possible option.

My parents since I left have pretty much fell apart. Haha

1 week after I left, Mom fell off a ladder and got a HUGE hematoma on here rear. Last week my pop got diagnosed with pneumonia and has made us all very worried about him. He is doing much better now, but still that is pretty scary.  I have such great and supportive parents it is really almost unfair to people who are not their children J  ..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I have SOOOOO much to be thankful for in my life, but sometimes the mind starts to run, it is that darn mind talk, I really need to learn how to shut it off.

I try to live my life with the belief that if we trust is God, do what is right in your heart and put out positive energy, then good things and energy will come back to you.  However, I sit back and watch so many good things happen to bad people or at he very least amazing things happen to people who don't even try to make things happen. Sadly, when I see those types of things it makes me angry. I have let it be know to God, the universe and the ones I love, what I want out of this life and I believe so much in the power of words, so why do I still come up short on many levels. Maybe there is no destiny and people get things and do things just out of happenstance. Yeah, I can't even type that with a straight face. I want to make sure I choose the right trajectory in my life to get my to the place I should to be.

On a total different note, I am so excite that my cousin is flying down here to spend a week with us. Yippie yi yay!!

I am going to be moving from Pensacola on the 22^nd of this month and moving to Lake Mary (Orlando) I am moving there and living with my sister. I am really excited. As of right now I am taking one class at the school there and will be working a lot. I really hope that I get a good job making some good money. (PRAY)

 I went a little into debt when I went to London, but it is the only debt I have and was worth it. Right now I am going for just the summer, but it may end up being long term. In July I guess I will decide if I am going to stay and finish school there or come back and finish here. I just don't know what I will have to all do to get my credits transferred and whatnot. This all gives me a bit of anxiety. The unknown and just trying to figure out what I am going to take with me. I am not moving all of my stuff, but I think I need a good amount. There are certain things I just have to bring. I guess I am going to just load down the Altima and head down the road. I am hoping that Lauren and Ashante and I will get some time to get together. I am really excited, but I just think I am thinking too much about it. I just need to do it and let it be natural, not try to plan it out so perfectly. I got a letter from Northwest today ( I sent a complaint about my trip back from London) I had asked them to refund half of my ticket, but they said they will not do that, however they did give me a $300 voucher to use in the next year. So that is pretty awesome and makes me happy. I feel really bad with how busy I have been the past few months. I feel like I have lost contact with a lot of people and now am leaving. You know who you all are if you read this, but just know I love ya and hate that day to day life gets in the way of being with friends. However, I will not take all the blame, I think people just load up their life so much these days and never take break. Ok, well that's all folks.

"When a man grows tired of London, he is tired of life; for London holds all things that life can afford"

I had a wonderful time in London!!! i am so proud of Black Kids and am glad to count them as friends.
i had some great experiences that will never be able to be reproduced. Getting into clubs free and VIP,meeting edwyn collins and his fam.being on the first Jools Holland live show, having a Prince want to dance with me,climbing to the top of St.Pauls,seeing it snow, riding in a tuk-tuk in Piccadilly circus, falling out of Mahiki(mind you not because i was drunk or anything, just because I slipped) N13 night bus "paolo,cool it,cool it paolo.il vostro pazzesco distendasi"(relax your crazy) hearing different languages on a daily basis and many other great and amazing things.

HOWEVER,
being stuck in Heathrow airport for 18hrs and then in New York for 5. is not fun. mind you, this is all not including in my acutal air time. my foot was a bit hurt from the fall and running thru airports did not help and i think it may be fractured.i get sick very easily and this trip is a perfect example of this. went to the doc the other morning,i have bronchitis and an ear infecetion. she did xrays on my foot, but even if it is a fracture there is not much they can do for it.
i have taken 3 baths in my mom whirlpool since i have been home. that rarely happens, but it is helping me to unwind (i am really tied up)

STILL
I had a beautiful time with my best friend and others. (hate that i dont know when i will see her again)London is a beautiful and very different type of city, which in some ways i fell in love with and also hate.
i will not forget my time and just hope next time i go i will have some family with me.

The past few days I have been trying to hold in my anger and sadness about the following situation, but it is just gotten out of hand.

If you don't know that I left large parts of my heart in Kenya then we have not talked enough and that needs to change.

Over the past few days I have been online and hearing some talk radio about the crisis that is going on in Kenya, however still I have yet to hear a single thing about it on the TV. I watch news on a regular basis and yes I could have missed it, but I doubt it.

All it seems that this spoiled brat country of ours (which I am proud to be from) cares about is: Britney, Primarys, and what load of bull Pat Robertson has been saying.

There is major unrest in the usually peaceful country of Kenya. I really cant go into it all because to tell the truth I get to hyped up about it all, but in short here it is.

Dec 27^th the election for president was held. The sitting president Kibaki won by a small margin. Kenya is made up of 47 different tribes, all of which until lately, seemingly got along. The forerunner for President Odinga and his tribe have begun an uprising against President Kibaki and his tribe the Kikuyu. It does appear that the election may have been tampered with, but the reaction the Luo people have taken is not rational and will accomplish nothing. Over 300 people have been killed at this point, in a type of ethnic cleansing, which is oddly reminiscent of the start of the war in Rwanda.

I know that you hear all of this and think, so what how does this affect me and what can I do.

Well I promise it affects you a whole lot more than you know. You have to remember we are all in this thing together. As far as what you can do, right now all I can say is pray and mean it.

I hope that id does not, but it may come to a point we need to write our leaders and encourage them to stay by Kenya's side, even if it seems it is crumbling. 

Also we must realize how sick and corrupt our media is.

I guess since it is just a bunch of black people killing each other AGAIN, it must not be worthy of any attention.

it sounds like a bad jok "how many deaths have to happen before it appears on the nightly news?"

here our a few websites if you would like to learn more about what is going on.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_depth/africa/2008/kenya/default.stm

http://www.spiegel.de/international/world/0,1518,526129,00.html

Thanksgiving was beautiful this year. I was in Tennessee and the trees had the leaves that are meant to be this time of year. Family is the most important thing in life and thankfully I love and enjoy (for the most part) mine. Sitting around with my family (at least 16 of us) singing and playing gospel,oldies, worship and loads of other songs will remain one of my highlights for this year. I really hate to get back to reality, but such is life.

It seems to me there is so much to do, so little time. always in a hurry. taking things for advantage. worrying about the stupidest little things that you really tend to forget about a few days later.
i strive for deeper depths, if that even makes sense. i wake up every morning subconsciously hoping for another connection that will shape who i am and who i want to be. i see a burning bush everday, the only thing that stops me from reaching it, is passing by it and not even realizing it until later, maybe minutes, maybe years. the time is here. the time is now. the only thing left is to decide what you want to do with it.

I think people in this society have the tendecy to always act happy, always cheerful. if you dont live up to those standards, you are cut off and never brought back until you can prove yourself to be that fake happiness that everyone is supposed to be. people  are afraid of emotions. as soon as you express your attitudes and feelings to someone, they turn away or change the subject in fear of not knowing what to say or how to express it. because they grow up only knowing that being happy and cheerful is the ticket to getting you in.  yet what people do not understand is reaching for those depressed, sad, sorrowful attitudes every once in a while and finding it within to get through it and move on to something more, or perhaps, something less. can show you your power. the moving on is what matters.
the comfortableness of knowing only what you know and the fear of finding something new and not knowing how to deal with it. the adventure and facing everyday issues with new relationships formed, whether they are with yourself or smiling at someone passing by. that is what is created. that sense of connecting. the sense of belonging. its not the verdict that counts, its the act of judgement.

imagination can't create anything new, can it? Ecc 1:9  It only recycles bits and pieces from the world and reassembles them into visions. so when we think we've escaped the unbearable ordinariness and untruthfullness of our lives, its really only the same old ordinariness rearranged into the appearance of novelty and truth. nothing unknown is knowable.

i don't like when i sound like this and come across oddly on "paper"

i love that there is a least one person who thinks that my opinionated and straightforward attitude is to be praised. most of the time, it just gets me in trouble.

I dont even remeber what  i was going to say in this post.

in spite of everything, i AM thankful

and most likely love you.

so we went and saw the car and it is much worse than i realized. all the panels of the car are bent but 2. the roof and my door. here are a few pictures. you really cant see that much because of the shadows, but her they are. this is only on my side. while i was taking the pictures i just had to stop it made me sick. my mom has had this car since july of last year it had 10 miles on.

It could have been much worse, but its pretty bad these pictures dont show it all.

i hope everyone enjoys the longest day of the year. i think i am going to the beach in the morning. i really dont feel like it, but its my cousins vacation. so.

ok i am going to go take some meds for this neck.

Yesterday at about 540 pm on I10 East, right before the Wilcox rd exit. I was driving about45 mph since it was raining. A small SUV began to change lanes, as if he did not see me. I figure with the weather being so rough and maybe I was in his blind spot I began to try to swerve out of his way and since the road was wet my tires began to spin and I lost control. It was the most terrifying situation I have ever been in. The front of my car hit the guardrail and made the car spin across the 2 lanes of the interstate into the other guardrail. I was trying to get the wheel under control, but it was spinning. After hitting the right guard rail the car went once again across the interstate and hit the back bumper. The car was almost acting like a ping-pong ball and once it came to a stop it was right beside the right guardrail facing east. A lady behind us pulled over to check on us. she was on the verge of crying. she said it looked so bad and she was so glad we are alive. i hurt my neck and arm pretty bad, they took me to the hospital on one of those back boards. it sucked. the hospital said i have a bad sprain in my neck and contusions (bruise) on my soft tissue. the car which is my moms, is in really bad shape. we dont know if it will be totaled or not.
all i know is i am so glad that my cousin and i are not hurt badly. it could have been alot worse and maybe even fatal.
on the other side of the guard rails are these huge drop of ditches.
i am really stoved up right now and just plan to lay around the house. we are dealing with the insurance and stuff now so just pray it works all out.