Effective immediately, Santa Clause will only be going to middle-class white households. If you are not a middle-class white person, you can expect a visit from one of the following: Gangsta Claus: Brings you all the glock ammo and 40's you need to keep pimping. He'll be rolling in a Cadillac Escalade with 20's and might be slightly intoxicated. Or... not so slightly. Santos Claus: Santos Claus usually steals more than he brings... just let him, because he gets pretty violent some times. He pretends he doesn't speak english, but he does. We'll try to replace your stuff next year. You'll know he's coming because you can hear his mariachi music from 5 miles away and his Chevy Astrovan is really slow. Emo Claws: Drops down the chimney and leaves a bag of razor blades. Actually, he's replacing the lumps of coal bad kids get. It's okay to hug emo claws if he's sitting in the corner crying, but don't encourage him. Jewish Santa: Since Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Jewish Santa just drops in to complain about your decor and how cheap the gifts you got everyone are. Hannibal Satan Claus: Uhh... we can't fire him because he's part of the union. And we're scared of him. Seriously DO NOT eat the stew he brings, no matter how good it looks. Hippie Claus: Replaces your yule log with a massive joint. His only gift is promises of world peace, so you might want to just sell the weed and buy something. Or just smoke the weed, I mean, whatever. It's all good. Gothiklaws: I don't know how he walks around in this cold with a face full of metal like that, but just try not to look at it. I hope you're looking for some hard metal CDs and posters of weird bands, cause that's all this dude brings. Santa "I'm Not Wearing Any" Claus: Stay by your kids at all times until he's at least a mile away. Do not fall for the "present in my pants" trick. You really shouldn't open any of his gifts, unless you're just sick. Michael Moore: He doesn't work for us but he might show up anyway. He's not bringing gifts, he just wants to make a documentary about how poor you are and possibly snag some Christmas dinner from you. He's mostly harmless but keep the beans away unless you want to buy new furniture. Yuppie Claus: Sigh... he drives a Ferrari and his clothes cost more than I make in a month, but he only brings ugly $85 sweaters. If you complain he'll say some crap about "it's the thought that counts". We all hate this guy, luckily you probably don't make enough for him to bother with you. Seppuku Klaus: See the dictionary entry for "poser" for his picture. He's vietnamese and probably doesn't even know what "seppuku" means. He brings weird food and hello-kitty everything and then makes fun of you. He probably will be late because his lowered Honda Civic doesn't exactly handle snow very well. Al-kaida-klaus: Currently on the FBI's Most Wanted list, he wires your house with explosives and blows it up on Christmas morning because you're celebrating an infidel holiday. Yes, he drives a taxi. (Do I even have to tell you that?) Scarface Santa: A real professional, your gifts will get there on time and be unloaded by cheerful teamsters. They won't have serial numbers, and you can't return them. His only fault is coming in drunk and beating on your wife. (He's used to Mrs. Scarface Santa, who can kick his can any day.) Do not offend Scarface Santa. If you're not happy with your Christmahanukwanzaadan representative, please contact your senator/congressman and tell them to vote "yes" on bill CR157M4571M3 so we can de-unionize and replace these guys. ** Thanks to Sara L for reminding me to rip asians and arabs. And unintentionally, italians. **

If I had my way, Target would open an outlet store called Targhetto. They'd sell all the defective merchandise from real Target. The 6 pack that's missing a can? $1.50. Empty packages, 20 cents. The case for the CD you stole, 50 cents. Expired food, 75% off. Open packages of Q-tips, 99 cents. There would be no service desk, just a giant sign that says "ALL SALES FINAL". No Assets Protection. Cart Attendants would wear bullet-proof vests. All employees would have caps with crooked bullseyes and they'd just wear a vest over their street clothes like WAL*MART. Everybody would make minimum wage and if you were any good you'd get promoted to a real Target. Anyway, this idea is copyright me and if anybody's dumb enough to steal it I will sue them for $8,008,135.69 because it's funny.