Ok, this is for all of the people that have been wondering lately and all of the people who are too chicken and feel like they have to sneak around and ask my friends and then "swear them to secrecy".
     Yes i am bisexual and i am comfortable with who i am at the moment. if u are accepting of my thats great and i need to find out who my true friends are anyway and if u arent keep your insults and slurs to yourself because i dont have the time or the patience to deal with you.
     From now on i would like it better if u all came and asked ME not my friends and not people that i talk to, its better to get information right from the source anyway.  If you need anymore information or words of incouragement or anything you can just message me but if u message me to insult me save your time b.c i will just delete it b4 its approved.

The wishes of the world.....

I wish i could stop the bleeding

I wish i could stop the insecurity

I wish i could fix my weight

I wish the image of my body would leave my head for one day

I wish i could tell him i love him

I wish he could love me back

I wish people would notice me

I wish i wasnt so useless

I wish i had a talent

I wish people would leave me alone

I wish the pain would stop

I wish the drink could numb it forever

I wish i could stop taking these drugs

I wish my thoughts meant something to people

I wish i didnt want to end my life

I wish my scars would disappear

I wish i could love myself

I wish i could change the way i feel

I wish i didnt think the things i did

I wish my wishes meant something

I wish for the world to end....

Reality: I walk past the door.  I see him inside, the love of my life in the bathroom popping pills.  The scene shocks me to my core, I rush in grabbing the bottle from his hands yelling at him to stop.

     He throws me against the wall and says its none of my business he'll do what he wants.  I throw my arms around his neck pleading for him.  He finally relents holding me to him as he colapses on the floor pulling me with him.

     I see his tears, the bottle of half empty vodka on the floor, and not one but four pill bottles.  And i realize, this wasnt just some late night addiction feed.  He had just tried to kill himself by overdosing on alcohol and prescription pills.  He rocks me as we both cry ourselves to sleep the floor cold beneath us.

 

Intro. to my mind:  As I sleep I dream and I have a realization.  Its one of many I have had in my life, wonder if it will affect me because the others havent.  But it did strike me funny, so I'll tell it to you.

 

Realization:  It was odd seeing him there, with the bottle in hand.  I knew he had problems, he popped pills once in a while, did weed and drank a little excessively.

     But I'd never seen him do it, just as he never saw me cut, never saw me work to hide the scars I'd created or the hours I weaped after doing it, and once i was done crying to then pick up the knife again and go back to work.

     And you know the moment I saw it it just hit me funny, I've known about my problems all these years, worked on them, struggled with them.  But at that fatal moment when I realized what he was doing it was like realizing I had been in my bedroom all these years staring in the mirror at myself.  But until that moment I realized I'd forgotten to turn the bedroom light on.

   

     Your rejection seeps into my heart and mind.  It burns.  My blood boils at your resentment and my mind screams at your ignorance.

     You dont know me.  The real me that people seem to hide from you.  Your label of my person means nothing, just as that fake outter shell you carry around means nothing.

     I know who you are, your desires and dreams.  I alone can play upon your weaknesses and jelousies; and i will exercise that power freely!

     How dare you try to label me?!  Act as if I dont exist and try to cage me like some animal?  Or perhaps portray me as a frightened child in a corner!?

     I'm in control "Dearest" and I make the rules in this little game of tug-a-war.  You are mine and I alone will be your downfall!  You are my pawn not the other way around.  How would YOU like to be the sacrifice for once?  The one who gets laid under the bus?

     Your rejection hurt but my revenge will be Apocalyptic!

     So now that you know whats really going on in this little game, why don't we continue playing?

Its your move...

     I hear the voice of reason, it screams at me to stop but i ignore it.  I want more, i NEED more!

     Who needs friends, parents, a life?  I don't, because I have you now.  I have you and I will never let you go!

     Haha, its time to feed again.  Come on you know what I want, you know what YOU want.

     Come on its no big deal, just a little money.  You can pay it back later!  The important thing is you got what we've been waiting for.

     Ah, now doesn't that feel good?  See we were right not to believe those people, this high feels amazing!  It always does...

     Yes of course you can control it.  Yes of course this is the last time!  Now come on just one more pipe and we can finish.

     Yes mother I'm clean, I don't do drugs!  God, I can't believe you would ask me something like that!

     Your right she is a pain but we mustn't let her get in our way right?  NO ONE must get in our way.

     They don't like us, the don't accept us for who we are!  But we don't need them, we don't need anyone were fine all on our own.

     Yea, I'm fine, I don't need them I don't need anyone, I'm fine all on my own...

    

         A rose by any other name would be so sweet?

The thorns they dont prick?  They can't make fingers bleed? 

No darkness, no lies, all love and no sarrow?

         The red comes from hearts? 

Not spilled blood or men's greed?  Its passion is good, not the devil's own creed? 

Out of all the world's meanings and all of its questions, have you ever thought to question a rose?

The Comments wound and the lies they kill.

You cry in hiding for emotions thrill.

Their threats and rumors stab at your heart.

They cut and slash to tear you apart.

The words they shatter, when you bleed its a thrill.  So much you can't take it you go to the "steel"!

From mental to physical you take on the pain.

The scars are the marks you recieve but in vain.

Small reliefs you are given, from these marks you have got.  But still deeper you cut will the pain ever stop?

An emotional pit were you sit and you stay.

Until suicide seems you last choice left to make!

     Im introduced, the addiction starts.

The devil begins to control my heart

     I try to stop but the addiction grows.

My self control is slipping...

My mind is dead

My parents weep

The demons whisper when i sleep

My life has been signed away, to a cell of whispers and shadow.

My existence begins to slip away...

My soul must pay for its "earthly" mistakes!

Who knew the Monster could be so great?!

    

1)The ending was quick, I knew it would come. My life, but a bubble was safer than none.

2)So many years I waited it out.  The ending is coming, of that theres no doubt.

2)Im waiting, Im waiting, still so many years!  Till my life will be over please don't cry, don't have tears.

1)The beginning has started, but soon gone it shall be.  The ending is coming!  Were it ends?!  We shall see.

"I" "Love" "You".  Apart, just some pretty words, but together they can be the most deadly of curses.

     Said without thought, empty of emotion and yet they still hold great power.  Betrayal and deception can be secretly etched into the meaning.

     Like a hunter it stalks its prey awaiting its meal of a novice heart!  Some see is as a falsehood!  A lie!  Raising a person up into a fake heaven, only to then let them fall into the fiery depths below, to watch as their heart shatters against the surface that is reality.

     Some do not survive, but those that do will try to pick up the pieces, just to then guard them jelously.  But perhaps, someday they will find that one person who can make them drop their guard and melt away the barriers of ice that now surrounds their heart.

     Perhaps, someday, the phrase "I Love You" will have a true meaning.  One of sincerity and hope, one to give their broken heart a reason to beat again!