Someone recently explained to me that Tom Lykus is a genius. I decided to tune in and as he urged his listeners to just “hit it and quit it” he kept getting calls exclaiming:

“You’re a genius Tom Lykus!”

I’m sorry, what? Has anyone ever read a book? Surely you’ve heard about Shakespeare?

“Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.”

The person who wrote that is a genius. Not the person who wrote:

“Dating equals porking.”

Are we that depraved as a society that we mistake this public menace who speaks only in sexist platitudes as a genius?

How about his math of properly rating women; “A Los Angeles 10 is the pinnacle of beauty...way hotter than a Seattle 10.” Are you in 4th grade? By your math, Tom Lykus- would that make you a Philadelphia Zero?

Someone as super-gross as Tom Lykus can’t set standards. He’s an asshole, he has no love in his heart and he always looks like he just won a hot-dog eating contest. Of course women are using him for his money... I mean would YOU have sex with Tom Lykus for free?

Does it bring you joy to make other people happy? Were you considering joining the U.S. Army? Why not consider Butler School instead? Please, I implore you, let's bring this noble profession back into society. Why should all civilized people be expected to live servant free? A century ago, even the most common lady wouldn't travel without her maid and no civilized man would even consider life without his manservant. Diana Vreeland, the editor of Vogue, had a french maid who polished the BOTTOMS of her shoes daily. And in Victorian England even the servants had servants; If the Lady of the house had a baby she would not only have the help of a Ladies Maid and a Nurse- the Nurse would have a Nursemaid and then the Nursemaid would be waited on by the Head Housekeeper who would then employ the help of the Scullery Maid and a whole staff of servants. No wonder no one wants to have a baby anymore! This modern American idea that men and women are supposed to get up, make their own breakfast (preferably taken in bed), draw their own bath, dress themselves, prepare dinner, scrub floors, pump gas, take care of children AND work, is for lack of a better word, retarded. Become part of the solution to the world-wide Butler shortage. Get ready for the Butler-boom of '09!

I think how excited a person gets about going to Vegas is in direct proportion to how dumb they are. What is it about Vegas that makes people, whilst there, want to yell out its name? You don't hear people yelling Barstow-Baby! Cincinnati-Baby! Jerusalem-BabEEEEE! Yet within minutes of being in this wretched aesthetically challenged town someone is bound to yell "Vegas-Baby!" like it's the wittiest bon-mot they've ever thought up. Everywhere I go there are people in sequenced baseball caps wearing Tweety Bird T-shirts running into you as they walk around aimlessly like this is their first time off of the Nebraskan Prairie. What gives? How did this place ever get famous? It's a manifestation of everything that's wrong on the planet. My dad called me today to tell me maybe I would get discovered this week. By who? A Wal-mart manager? Any vestige of glamour that used to exist here was buried with Eddie Fisher.
From this:

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Where are THESE people?



to this:
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"Vegas-Baby!"

Why are we still using pennies? What is this the 1790's? I recently overheard one of the crackheads outside of my apartment protesting "PENNIES IS MONEY!" mid transaction to his dealer. A homeless crackhead can't even get his boss to accept pennies yet I am required to tote them around like some 8th century peasant? What is with the garbage change? Is Charlemagne King? I mean seriously- they are worth NOTHING! Plus they look ugly in my wallet, any machine that requires coins rejects them, and you look like an asshole if you put them in a tip jar. Even if you gather up 100 of them you still can't even buy a taco! Does anyone have any suggestions what to do with these wretched things? The only useful thing I've come up with is throwing them at children.

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Gross.

I have just discovered a new breed of Dumb- People
who are lionizing Anna-Nicole Smith as a hero. I had to interview her
for The Pam Anderson Roast-and I am rather intrigued by some of the
comments left by her fans posthumously. Who are these people and what
is lacking in their own experience that they mistake Anna-Nicole for
someone to be revered? I understand some of these people may relate to
the fact that she comes from a trailer park (I read in an interview
that when Anna left the 'park for a Playboy contest she thought
Hollywood was in New York) but just because someone becomes famous
doesn't mean they aren't also a prostitute. These people should come
on down to my neighborhood where there's plenty of live prostitutes
that could use a little venerating!
A sampling:

"I love You
My Anna !!!You are soooooo Sweet and Beautiful, and you are never evil
or jelaus!"

"She looks great. This is my favourite interview
because Anna is fully coherent and radiant. She is too nice to tell
that interviewer to piss off like she should have."

"The interviewer is a cunt, with her wise-ass questions, trying to make
Anna look stupid, she should've smacked her, who the fuck does she
think she is, Anna handled herself well & for thoses of u who don't
know, Anna is pregnant with Dannielynn in this interview, I always do
my homework so trust me, i love her no matter what ppl. think &
say...RIP ANNA :)"

"Thank you for this Anna clip!!!
RIP Anna
dear We love you!!!"
P.S. What kind of awards is the roast
anyway??

In recent Anna news her boyfriend and father of her little girl bought $3000 in
Anna's lingerie at a Playboy auction because he wants their 1-year-old
daughter to "have something to remember her mom by."
OK gross.
Can't wait for 10 more years when he makes his daughter try on all
those panties! It makes sense though- I mean hillbillies have been
humping their off-spring since the beginning of time- that's how poor
people are made!

Now that I am a star I must bear the burden that many of you who have chosen less eventful lives will never understand. Last year when I made the decision to stop granting interviews, I did this because in between my appearances on "Chelsea Lately" and "E's Hottest Celebrity Body Parts"  I go into a deep state of meditation.  My witicisims bubble up from the eternal- a resorvoir I can only access when I am truly alone.
There is nothing worse than when my Samadhi is interrupted by the cruel flash of the papparazzi's camera. Please, I beg you, let me live in peace! The hurtful gossip and rumor mongering derived from the cruel tabloids is destroying me. There is nothing more disturbing than looking at a magazine only to find a picture of me looking at that magazine on the cover of that very magazine.
Please respect my privacy.  Even though I live at 12378 Delagio Drive Brentwood California 90025 (a non-gated community with plenty of parking) and spend my evenings drinking at the Willow Lodge is no reason for you to continually bombard me.  I have an upcoming appearance as a talking head on "101 Incredible Celebrity Slimdowns" to prepare for and I mustn't be disturbed.

I am looking for someone 3-5 days a week for light chores and errands and general companionship. Duties would include, but are not limited to: dusting the de Koonings, exercising the swans, clock-winding, sending my text messages and changing my current myspace mood.
MUST KNOW HOW TO PACK A PICNIC.
Please RSVP in your own stationary to:
Natasha Leggero
c/o Omnipop
4605 Lankershim Blvd. Suite 201
Toluca Lake, California 91602

*NO QUEENS, PLEASE.