I am the stupidest fuck ever.

The guillotine fell.

The blood splattered across the ground.

She gathered some bandages.

She'd still be okay.

I'm supposed to be cutting out shapes, or something... XD

Honestly, what's the point of having a MySpace, anyway? :P

I'm just postin' something in here just 'cause I can--and ah, as always, back to work...

-- Char-ay-mee.

    I cannot do this
Being asleep, a struggle
Awake, a nightmare

I went to bed, crying
I woke up in the middle of the night, crying
I woke up this morning, crying

I wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I'm typing, crying.

I have to drive home today, for an eye exam tomorrow, I just hope I'll be okay.
I don't know what I can listen to...
I don't have time enough even to heal...
I know that perhaps going home could be viewed as a means of healing but...

I just ...

You don't get what you want and you don't want what you get, sometimes...

Human beings are awkward creatures...

I can't even express this in words.

Here are three surveys, I wonder if anyone will read them all. :P

1. If someone doesn't like you, it's usually because:
I'm obnoxious and too different from them? Why should I think about why someone might not like me? ^^;;

2. Last saturday night you?:
Went to Nichole's birthday party :D Also, I drove far, far away to Austin Cary Memorial Park and learned a lot ... about trees? And saw way too many lovebugs for my own good. @_@ (I didn't remember this far, I back-tracked in my LJ. Yes, I write to myself, a lot. To keep track. It's a journal, right? :P)

3. What are you excited about?
Heroes tomorrow night

5. Favorite scent?:
I know what it is. :)

6. What's your ideal weekend like:
it would take too long to explain [I'm going to be lazy and agree here... actually, no, wait]
--> One that's just full of relaxation and happiness. :)

7. What do you look for most in a boyfriend/girlfriend:
Common interests, a great personality, musicality, awesomeness

8. What kind of music do you like best:
Indie

9. What color are you most likely to decorate your favorite room in?
Green. XD

10. If something amazing happens to you, how many people know?:
Very few ._.

11. Every year, how do you like to spend the holidays:
With family and friends

12. What do you look forward to most each year?:
Meeting new people, having new things to do, a fresh start!

13. In your opinion, it's just not the holidays without:
Family and friends, Christmas trees, I'll throw in an obligatory statement about attending Christmas mass, and Johnny Mathis. XD

14. What do you long for most?:
happiness [ Same-- it's funny, it always has been, huh? ]

15. If your friends or family are going through a crisis, what would you do?
Do my best to help them in whatever way I can. Rescuing the day, as it were. Trying to, anyway.

16. Can you keep a secret:
Yes.

17. How many phone conversations do you have a day?:
A few

18. What's your best feature?:
Perhaps something physical?

19. Your favorite romantic movie is:
Moulin Rouge, ... or perhaps The Notebook now...

20. Your dream house is:
Near a body of water--not the ocean though

21. How would your friends describe you?:
Apparently, introverted yet cute? Hahaha... ha...

22. How do you feel about Valentine's Day?:
Commercialization aside (that I fully give into anyway), and... other things... it's a nice day for people to feel special, but for others to feel lonely, so ...

Personally, I think that you should treat someone you care about like that every day, not just on one day.

23. What body of water are you most drawn to? :
that damn pacific ocean [ maybe myself as well ]

24. You could never love someone who:
Was manipulative, psychotic, abusive, blahblahblah

25. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
A few days ago

26. What were you doing this morning at 8?
Sleeping

27. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?:
Reading through Nick's answers to these questions

28. Are you mad at anyone right now?:
Not really

29. The last person to say they loved you?:
Graham

30. What was the last present you received?
Fozzie Bear. :D

31. Are you happy with your living arrangements?:
Yes, I'm quite grateful--one day, though, I will actually have a place that really reflects my character XD

32. Last thing received in the mail?:
Bills, bills, bills

33. Do you have any famous crushes?:
Brangelina still? lol, I know. Dork. Maybe James McAvoy, now. XD Ahh, Mr. Tumnus/LeFroy... hahaha.

My boyfriend will be famous, does that count?

1. Were you smiling when you woke up this morning?:
I don't think so, I didn't sleep too well last night. I have gone to sleep and woken up with a smile on my face, though. :)

2. When was the last time you met someone new?:
Yesterday morning, actually

3. What is irritating you right now?:
Ahh, nothing, although maybe I'm irritating myself in the recesses of my mind somewhere @_@

4. When did you last eat pizza?:
Hahaha! Good question there :D I ate it last week, on Monday, and tried that Oreo Dessert Pizza... Yeah, no. x.o;

5. Who is the last person you held hands with?:
Graham

6. How many text messages are in your inbox?:
It's almost full--but don't let that fool you, no one ever texts me anymore. These texts are ones I've saved for a long, long time now. I'm glad I did, actually, because now they serve nostalgic purposes...

7. What's the furthest distance you've gone in the past 3 days?:
NE Gainesville

8. What does the sixth message in your inbox say?
"I love you, sweetie :) I'll call you as soon as I can *hugs*"
(Note: This was probably four months ago ._. I really don't receive texts anymore).

9. Have you ever kissed anyone named Michelle?
XD ... ... You all aren't supposed to know about our affair, that's all hush-hush. ^_~

10. Besides your bed, what is your favorite thing in your room?
My TV, now ^^ Or maybe my awesome Dai-Gurren Brigade flag. >D

11. Do you enjoy piercings and tattoos?
I think lip piercings are kinda hot but I'd never get one. As for tattoos I might get a small one someday.
[I agree with the former and will add a bit more...]

Okay, I enjoy them, but on other people. :P I might get an upper ear piercing one day, one day. Also, if I were ever to get a tattoo, I'd probably get really detailed angel wings on my back (no, not in any tribute to Rinoa or anything). But I probably wouldn't ever do that. However, I did get a henna tattoo of stars and moons on my lower back and it was apparently sexy back then. :P As for piercings, they're sexy. Hahaha. But only on certain people? I don't know... Eyebrow piercings are sort of hot, lip rings, and I've been noticing even some of the girls in the cohort have that upper ear bar piercing thing... lol, maybe one day I'll learn terminology.

12. Who is in the room with you?
Sigh, no one, all by my lonesome.

13. What are you wearing on your feet?
Nothing, they're nekkid.

15. Who was the last person you told you loved them?
Graham

16. Do you get along with your parents?
Yes--I've actually had pretty successful conversations with them the last couple of times. Which is really good, because normally when we talk it's not that great...

17. What were you doing before this?
Pondering, as usual. :P Actually, no, I was taking random pictures. XD

18. What's the closest item near you that is blue?
My pajama top ... or my mouse?

19. What instant messaging service do you use?
NONE! HA!

20. favorite website?
Facebook?

21. What's the most abnormal thing you've done in the past 4 days?
I ate a psychedelic jawbreaker. Period end. XD

22. What do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants?
Jeans.

23. What is the last movie you watched?
Across the Universe

24. what do you currently hear right now?
Nodame Cantabile music

25. When did you last buy a pair of pants?
Uhhhm ... When was that? Last year?

26. When did you last take a picture with someone?
Tonight :D

27. Where's your favorite place to be?
Here in your arms.

28. Where did you sleep last?
My bed

29. Where do you shop the most?
Publix XDD

30. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Apparently through my mom who got it through my Tita Vanessa since they didn't fit her (my mom)


33. Who are you talking to on aim?
Nobody

34. Are you happy with where you are?
right now, sure [I'll take that :P]

35. Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
that would depend on many things [I don't know... but I'll say I agree]

36. Who is your best friend?
Graham, Sascha, Nick, Amy

37. Plans for today?
Today as in Monday? Finishing a project thing for class, reading for that class, going to that class, racing home, Heroes, wondering what dinner would be, etc

38. Who is your number one person on your friends list?
Ah-heh...

41. Describe the background on your cell phone:
A happy couple at Epcot ^^

42. Can you roll your tongue?
In more ways than one. ^_~ (Oh God. XD)

43. Are you ready for school?
I would think so?

44. Where do you live?
Gainesville

47. Describe what you're wearing.
A light blue cami and jeans

49. Do you like candles?
Somewhat, especially vanilla ones. I think? Hmm, wait.

50. Do you sleep naked?
No. ... Although I recall a certain conversation with Nick and our other friend Jackie and Taco Bell. XD

51. Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
No?

52. Do you burn easily in the sun?
Nope

53. Do you speak another language besides English?
I can understand Visaya, a small bit of Tagalog, but I can't speak them. However, I did take Latin throughout high school--yet that's a dead language and can't really be spoken, anyway--and took two semesters of Japanese :D

54. What did you do last weekend?
Partied and cried

55. Who were the last people you went out to dinner with?
Uh... went out to dinner... let me think. ._.; Dinner... Dinner... Went out. Uhm...

Lately I've been cooking so I can't even remember--how sad is that? Wait, wait, I've been cooking, and that's a lot better than going out, anyway. :P

And yet, I bring meals instead... Haha.

Oh o.o We've reached the end of the surveys! My...

Oh ho ho. We're not out of the woods yet, I found another survey, and it's much longer. Oh my collywobbles. >D

Let's see how honest I'll be. :P

1. Where is the last place you held hands?
The movie theatre. Awwww. :)

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
Ahaha, I'd like to, if I could, but knowing me I'd probably do something on accident and that'd be it ^^;;

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Nope

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
Probably XD

5. Have you ever won a spelling bee?
Third place, fifth grade :)

6. What is your longest fight with one of your friends?
Ahhh. ...

7. Are you a fast typer?
Yes

8. Are you afraid of the dark?
I used to be...


9. Do you like someone right now?
More than like. :)


10. What ended your last relationship?
Ahem.

12. Do you knock on wood?
Not usually

13. Are you drinking anything right now?
I drank some water because of that jawbreaker @_@;

14. Do you think you're smart?
I believe so ^^;

15. Have you ever eaten a bug?
Probably on accident--don't we all?

16. Do you miss someone right now?
Yes

17. What do you want for Christmas?
To spend time.

18. Do you know the muffin man?
He's my homeboy. I get death muffins from him. Y'know, those chocolate ones that have been sitting there for too long. >D

19. Do you talk in your sleep?
Nope

20. Do you remember your 1st crush?
... Yeah. XD

21. Have you ever flown a kite?
I wish ... ;_;

22. When was the last time that you went swimming and where?
Yeah, when was that? Agh, I can't believe it's been that long...
(i.e. Whatever happened to a trip to the beach?) And yet there's a pool over there... hahaha

23. Do you consider yourself successful?
I'm getting there

24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell phone?
A lot?

25. Have you ever asked for a horse?
Yes, so that I may ride him or her along the shore! XD

26. Plans for 2MORROW?
See above survey


27. What did you do this past weekend?
Again with 26

28. Miss being at school right now?
Not really

29. When's the last time you told someone you loved them?
Earlier this eve

30. Do you want to be single?
Not at the moment

32. Who's your hero?
My aunt, as well. And my mom. And everybody!

33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?<br>Nope

34. What are you looking forward to?
a phone call [ I'll agree here ]

35. If you could be stranded with one person for 24 hours, who would it be?
Most likely Graham :P

37. Have you ever eaten dog food?
No O.o

38. Can you handle the truth?
Ah, no.

39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
I like green eggs and ham, Sam I am.

40. What 3 things do you always bring with you to places?.
Wallet, keys, Burt's bees lip balm (Honehhh)


41. Any cool scars?
The one on my left arm


42. Are you missing in action?
Always

44. What's your deepest secret?
The standard reply: Then it wouldn't be a secret, right?


45. How often do you talk on the phone?
Every day

46. Do you believe in love?
Yes, especially its forgiveness


47. Is there something you want that you can't have?
Isn't there always? Or should there be a few appropriate answers, such as, "You should always be content with what you have" or "You can't always have what you want, and you can't always want what you have"...? @_@;

48. Four things about the preferred sex that you first notice?
Eyes, smile, hair, smell?

49. When was your last time you cried?
Earlier

50. Who did you last hug?
Graham


51. Do you get along with your family?
Yes, for the most part

52. Where is your phone?
Right next to me

53. What was the last thing you ate?
A psychedelic jawbreaker @__@; I refused to eat anything afterwards, ah!

54. Favorite color(s)?
Green, blue, black (... maybe I'll say "orange and blue" to sound universiotic. lol. Yes, I made that up).

55. Last movie you saw?
Across the Universe

56. What song are you listening to?
... XD The theme to Puri Gorota, apparently.

57. What do you want?
43things.com

58. Favorite car?
Passat ... actually, I'm not so sure now, has that changed? XD

59. What T.V. show are you watchin?
None?

60. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Graham
 

Hello, folks.

    Yes, I know some of you had probably wondered if I'd fallen off the face of the earth, possibly died, or just simply went into hiding (I don't say this just to sound entirely full of myself--I have proof :P).

But the truth of it is, I avoided Facebook and MySpace due to personal struggles. And whether or not everything is better is due for further analysis, but all in all I guess I can say things are okay.
(And yes, I acknowledge that beginning a sentence with, "Let me make this clear to you" or something trying to indicate meaning that it's the truth is probably anything but the truth, but... eh, gather what you will).

I was going through a lot of emotional problems, and I really had no one to go to.

It was one of those things where I had to just... fend for myself and build myself up and learn to do things on my own. Even typing this now, I feel a bit sick just remembering, and the familiar pangs of stress pressure are forming again at the base of my neck. I will say that the stress got so bad I probably would have qualified for very insane (literally, not in a joking manner), because I'm sure I would have done reckless things and those of you who know me well know that I stress myself out too much and even returning to Facebook and MySpace (if this should ever reach their blogging shores) is a lot of stress for me, too. I know, big whoop, it's just Facebook and MySpace and isn't important, but ... To me, some of it is. And some of it can hurt. "Only if you let it." Well.... I'm good at that. But about that stress, well, I had some heart palpitations and just kept falling farther and farther but... that's in the past now.

I had to separate myself from all of these things because situations weren't going very well. I know, running away isn't any good, but if it's something that hurts, you wouldn't stay with it, right?

I had to work with myself and my mind in order to overcome these things.

And yet it's apparently been about three months since I've been on either website, and I'm still grappling this fear.

Yes, because I'm insecure. Whoooo.

However, let me say a few more things.

During such problematic times, even though I didn't probably believe that I'd really improve (and I know you have to -want- to change in order to do so) I picked up a book and started reading it. Hoping for some self-improvement, and it wasn't the usual approach. Well, I'd started improving and really just tried to focus. For a few weeks, I really was my own person, and I understood things better, even if I didn't like them. It was a large, painful pill to swallow, reality. It still is. But for a few weeks, I was happy, confident, secure, and I honestly didn't think of anything negative.

But somehow, and I don't know when, things started slipping downards again. And lately even for one week I had completely reverted into an even more terrible, remorselss, hateful version of myself.

For those who really do know me, know that ... deep down, I am just an immature, pessimistic, overanalyzing, lazy, procrastinating, selfish, not confident fool. And I know that many of you will probably tell me to stop bringing myself down, etc, but some of you do know that it's true.

But that I also put in effort to -improve- myself. Not change myself, but improve. Because I knew what I was doing to others, and I didn't want that anymore. But then also came other things. That maybe I was only pretending and lying to myself without wanting to realize it. But then admitting to that would be admitting to myself which only means doubt. So I'd run in circles and repeated cycles, as always.

I sought to change things. For that while, I had succeeded, and I was really, genuinely proud of myself.
I saw the world through optimistic eyes, and could find myself trying more to be genuinely happy for others and their happiness, perhaps even share in it.

Yet shortly I found that every time I hoped things would go well, and tried to work for it, it would only backfire, yet again. That perhaps ... I was trying too hard. And that no one really realized how much I was really going through or that I even -had- changed. So of course I was faced with, "Well, then what was all that for, and what am I going to do now?" But no... I do know that I changed for -myself- and no one else. That I didn't have to live up to anyone else's expectations and that the only person's approval I ever had to meet were my own. And that sometimes, in order to do the right thing, you had to push your emotions to the back and just... do the right thing. No matter what. And no matter how difficult. (Or just to view it as something a lot easier than how difficult I had made everything for myself). But I found myself in a situation where I'd put in so much effort and it had gotten me nowhere, and so now we have me as I am now ....

And I'm not so sure how that is.

I could say I'm okay, but am I, really?

Of course I know what people would rather hear. Probably that I've finally changed and I let go of being... myself ... and all that. That's another thing to work on, being myself, and letting go. But who is "myself" anyway. I know, this sounds like a lot of tripe.

I'd basically been trying too hard. And didn't know what to do afterwards. Pretty much helpless at that point, and not knowing where to go or whom to turn to.

But I guess all I have to do is overcome my fears, trust in others, and trust the better parts of myself.

Because I knew (and know) that if I continue on as before, it'd get me nowhere.

So I'm not really sure if this accurately summarizes how I'd felt for the past few months.
I actually wrote many haiku's about it.

But I suppose they may or may not be appearing in a blog some time...

If any of you have read this, I thank you.

And I also thank those who have commented or posted on my wall despite my absence. It really means a lot.

Family and friends will always be there for you, even when others are not. That's something I learned. And thank you for those who really accept me for who I really am, warts and all.

(And I realize that yes, I'd isolated myself, but here I am again, so... do something about it! :P And ack, the newfangled things I'll have to get used to...).

-- Charamy

PS. You know something ironic? I decided to reformat my computer but moved all my important files to my external, as to avoid another incident like last year, but then in the end my external started dying. ... And I never got to copy over my files. Okay, more like I was too lazy. But I had all my MySpace and Facebook original information and I had always planned to put them back as they were, whenever I got the strength (yes, the strength) to do so. But I guess... now I really do have to start over. Haha...

PPS. My birthday is in three weeks!

PPPS. Happy Birthday, Graham. :) 

Here is a good reason for being "away" for about ten days...

It's my first "CG" and please take note that I have no sense of coloring/shading, whatsoever. XD But I tried. ^_^;

Here you go!



Kind, gentle comments appreciated. =^^;=
Oh, and I didn't use a tablet, just my pencil, my old trusty mouse, and Photoshop CS2. XD But that doesn't mean that owning CS2 = massive artistic talent... XD

This thing took me a week to complete, and I was rushing it, and I'm still seemingly looking for errors @__@

-- Rei Nocturna

PS. By the by, why is it that the world exploded while I was going on? Honestly, how I can't leave you all for a few days without all of you bickering. Please, everyone, let's all just resolve issues and move on.

So last night, I went to bed at three AM then woke up around 10:15 because my body didn't let me continue sleeping. I don't think that I really slept that well at all in the first place.

I took a shower, went to Gator Dining, and although I didn't have much of an appetite I tried eating a little. I headed over to the Crafts Festival at the O'Connell Center (What, I like crafts, thank you very much) but then one of my friends called and wanted to see if I could meet her at the AASU (Asian American Student Union) Olympics. I said sure and met her there and then somehow, I ended up joining a team even though I didn't want to.

There was a game which involved a wolf, sheep, and lettuce. You had to cross the "river" with only one item. You couldn't leave the sheep with the lettuce or else the sheep would eat it. You couldn't leave the wolf with the sheep or else the wolf would eat it. I ended up being the sheep. They gave us a few seconds then told us to go. My friend Jonathan scooped me up and ran. Proceeded to stumble and fall. And I fell. Hard. On my bottom. You think it's funny, it's not. I couldn't get up. I think I bruised my tailbone. It still hurts, right now, many hours later.

I still went to the Craft's Fair, and yes it made me happy. However now it really, really hurts. Got things for my parents and somewhat for myself. I went to see the fourth Harry Potter movie, yaaay...

So I cried finally... Not as much as I'd like but someday I will.

Whee... I think I'm going to get dinner. [a box dinner and bring it back] I'm not so hungry but it'll be better for when I take the ibuprofen. Jen will later on be getting ice. And I will read and most likely fall asleep despite an iced bottom (don't laugh). And perhaps we will watch a comedic movie. I figured, eh, why not. She's going to see what movies her friend has... She asked if I'd wanted comedic or romantic, etc, and I said comedic "because I feel like 'ha-ha'"...

Grandma's Kitchen Helper is a great handmade soap...

[Edit: If you really think a lot of that was happy... oy. Ha... And yes, I'm trying to keep in mind that it could be worse because Anna had broken her leg the other day playing basketball ;_; But she went to Disney... XD And at least I can walk albeit painfully... Oh, but I wish I didn't have all that homework, and that book to read for my twenty-page paper... Then there's just life in general...
Oh and of course I'm upset with myself now because I really didn't want to do it in the first place... oh well... ]

[ Edit again: Day Three... it still hurts and I think I have some sort of limp. I'm debating whether or not to go to Butler and get some cough medicine, too... Ugh... I can't not go to choir tomorrow.... I really ought to listen to myself more often... argh. Okay so... yeah. Who sees this? @_@ Gwah. Class. ]