As some know, and most don't, this weekend I'll be moving back with my family. No one particular reason, just a bunch of little things that I wanna do for myself. Im not mad at anyone, just something i want to give a try. I need to be watching my money more carefully and this would be the best way to get me on the right track.

Another reason I am doing this is for my health. Again, not saying that my friends are bad influences, and yes, i have been making progress, however, i think i can do better. I guess I've gotten comfortable with the gains i have made and have started to settle back down into the life i wanted to change from. I don't want that, atleast not yet. I guess if anyone is to blame, it would be myself and a weak will to succeed.

Starting this Sunday after i move back in, I'm gonna try and follow a pretty regulated schedule to see if i can make more progress and just get into a healthier lifestyle. Think of it as my personal 1 month boot camp if you will. On days I work either/both jobs, i'm gonna try to avoid or atleast limit the amount of time i go to hang out with people. After a month, im sure ill ease up. Any days I have off, i'll gladly hang out, try and keep it something active. In this month, I'm gonna try to completly avoid games, so if anyone wants to go play some paintball or go fishing or anything, i'm game.

Im not trying to break contact from friends. Call, text, message, comment, i dont care. I'm not avoiding people, just the bad habits i get into. I just wanna make sure no one takes this personal, this is a just for me thing. I've posted calendar on my page with my schedule as i get it and will have free days marked, just let me know if you guys wanna do anything.

It's a little after 9, just got off work and holy shit.

To start, my foot feels pratically normal... besides a little stiffness, i can walk a full shift of work with no limp. F'in A. With this new found enjoyment of being able to walk, paintball will be played 2 weekends this month.

The apartment is clean.... I have dishes i can use without a prior scrub. Im hopin we can maintain this point because it is nice to come home and see things neat.

Just had my 6 month review at work and it only reinforced that i am well on my way to my goal... to be the best friggin damn back-up machine operator that place has ever seen. As much as i wanna bid off cheeseballs, i kind of want to obtain this goal... then again, they might just keep me there forever.

I am under 300 again and its right after the weekend, which is the roughest part. I hadnt weighed myself since the 15th thinking with my gout and having a hard time and a lack of will to move, i would just pack on the pounds, but actually wasnt the case. So, lets see how long it takes me to get to 280. im also able to start taking my supplements again now that i dont have to worry about taking ibuprofen for pain and man do they make me feel good.

I finally have motivation to get all my paperwork sorted out and review all my bills and get caught up.

I got to see kevin and jen this weekend, neither of which i have really seen in awhile. i just wish it hadnt been the same weekend, i would have liked to of spent more time with both of em instead of balance them at the same time, but it was still fun.

Things are finally gettin cool again. Hope they stay that way... only thing to make it better would be if i actually met a cool chick.. doubt that will happen for awhile, they are too few and far.

Wake up and rise to live another day
Put on your gloves to fight society
Sedate your fears and build your train of thought
Stand up for your beliefs and never stop

Pushing hard each day
Keep our individuality
Elevate your mind
Strength within is what you need to find

Pick up the pieces we all make mistakes
Rebirth of self esteem ignore what's fake
Move on, your not alone
Stay strong, do not lose hope

I havent posted a song in a profile since back in the day when it was the cool thing to do on AIM. These are the lyrics to "Rebirth of the Temple" by silent civilian (music video posted on main page) and im posting this because it has kind of become my new themesong.

For those who have been around, you know i've changed a little bit in the past couple months. I've been losing weight, stopped playing MMO's and have just all around been tryin to get into a more active and healthier life. And i'm happier now because of it, but something just wasn't working for me. One night I had the apartment to myself so i turned on some tunes and laid there and thought about things. This song came on and the peices just came together. I've had this song in my collection for awhile and have always liked it, but now its become something more.

Back in high school, I didnt smoke, i didnt drink, i never tried drugs. I always thought i would never have anything to do with these things. Since then i had picked up smoking, though i stopped and just always wondered why i had started. After smoking came drinking, and while im not dependent or say i'm much of a different person when i do drink, I question why i do it anyways. I started because i thought it was just something everyone did, everyone i knew drank so why not be one of the cool kids right? Now i'm realizing i don't need it to be cool, or have it to have a good time. All i did when i was drinkin was sit around, and act retarded and play video games... how's that different from when im not drinking?

In High school, I considered myself fairly intelligent. Since the start of my new job at Utz and drinking, i feel its taken a huge nosedive. I dont set time aside to read anymore. Things i used to know just arent there anymore and i feel like everyone around me is just getting more intelligent while my thoughts dwindle away to lines from t.v. shows and movies and a re-occuring run through the happy happy joy joy song.

I used to have goals that i would not let anything or anyone get in the way of. I still have em, but my aim has lowered a bit. I'm starting to think too short term and easier acheivable goals. I also let too many people influence the goals i set and the decisions i make. Right now, my goal is to get into processing at my job because the pay is good. Its not what i want out of life, its just nice money. So what, i do good at my job, eventually i get there, big whoop. I have a friend who shows up and wants to hangout, thats cool. But it's the same thing everyweek. We never go and do anything different. I feel bad for the guy, it almost sounds like he is in the same boat i am in. And while i try to change, its like every week is good, then the weekend is a set back, and the beginning of the next week is catch up/regroup time.

And my morals... as already stated, drinking and smoking has already come up. I used to always be on time with my bills, now i put too much money aside for personal use and bills have taken a huge hit. I used to actually be proud that i was able to make my payments without relying on anyone, but now i have deliquencies just like every other person out there, and the saddest part is i accepted that as life and just dealt with it. I also never viewed a relationship just as a chance to get laid, and that hasnt really changed, however i used to feel bad when people were sitting there going, o man, i did this with that girl and that with this girl and just standing there and act like i knew what it was like when i sure as hell didnt. It was a point to say shit to someone just to make it sound like i wasnt a total loser.

So having said all that, i get to this song and realize these things and the changes i need to make. I dont smoke anymore, and I think its time to get off the weekend drinking thing. I dont need it and it sucks for losing weight anyways. As far as intelligence, im gonna try and make sometime to get back to reading. I've also been thinkin about picking up spanish since i work with so many hispanics, so i started today with finding someone to teach me a few words, and hell, i even picked up a couple words from other languages. Goals, i'm still shooting for processing, but i think i'm gonna work on future career plans, maybe go back to school when i get bills caught up or start working on my own personal business, such as lan/gaming center for the community or better yet, a paintball field and/or shop. As far as bills, i just need to budget my money better, put some back for the case of emergencies, im guessing for starters is to get direct deposit since i usually ask for atleast some cash back when i take the check to the bank. And who cares about impressing people. I had (very few, but still had) chances to get a lay, and i do not regret turning any of em down seeing where some of em are now and to think, "man, could have been my kid" I dont believe in the whole sex after marriage thing, but i do wanna make sure A.) the chick isnt a complete psycho and B.) make sure if something unplanned does happen, cause it happens, that i can deal with it. Call me too precautious or a fucking loser, but i enjoy my hobbies and activities, and i dont think of kids as a waste, i do want one someday, but face it, its just more bills. I need to stop being ashamed of not getting with a chick, if people wanna think lesser of me because of it, then fuck em. I probably wouldnt have even posted this last section if it wasnt for some co-workers that i went to breakfast with yesterday. thanks you asses.

Right before i graduated from UTI, i got a tattoo on my leg that says "freak". It wasnt because i felt like a social outcast, because of my big size, or coined from smartparts. It has always been there because i thought i was unique. I was a modern day freak. I believed strongly in my principles and was not swayed from my goals to fit in with others. I took every job seriously and put forth my best effort to progress further and get up in the ranks. I never categorized myself with any group, i was my own person who did my own thing and had my own style to living. Its been awhile and i lost touch with that concept, but i think its time to get back to that idea.

Let's see... Guess ill post so if anyone cares to know whats going on, they can just read this.

So, starting with work....it sucks. Actually, its not to bad, little stressful, i talk about quitting every night, but at the end of the day, it feels pretty good to know i made it through the night and now one is too pissed with me. A little more then a month away from being able to bid off the job, which i will be doing about every chance i get. I'm hoping to get back into processing, get that nice 16+ bucks an hour to start. Knowing my luck, they wont have another opening for awhile. Just got a huge order in for cheeseballs so, ill be working fridays nights for the next 2 or 3 weeks, woohoo. I need the money, bills are almost caught up... and i like buying things :-D.

Been working on gettin back into paintball, tried playing at a new field, but im not really feeling it. The location is great for travel time, but... it only has 2 fields, only 1 being air ball, and the other field... i cant say im impressed with it. I'm guessing i'm gonna start making the trips to MD every weekend, got some buddies who are talkin about going with me, so it shouldnt be too bad. Looking at a new gun here soon, not much wrong with my ion, but i think its time for something more. So, mr. smartparts better be ready to send my my nice new shocker :-D.

Been slacking on the lifting. Maybe now that ben's outta the house and we moved the weights from the closet, i might find the need to lift again. GNC stopped making their anabolic luecine stack... which saddens me and makes me happy at same time. That stuff worked... like crazy... but tasted... like shit. Ever wish those awesome little flintstone tablets you used to take as a kid were crushed up into a drink you could have anytime? That feeling changes when you get older i guess. But, went to GNC last night before work and found Luecine in some protein shakes at same dosage as the stack, so, thats cool, now i can get back to doing that.

Been thinking about the car situation... i wanna get rid of the payment and lower my insurance, but it just doesnt seem possible right now. What i wouldnt give to get another camaro, i miss mine :( Also thought about just sayin screw everything and headin to the honda dealership and seeing if they have any used elements in decent shape. I have to say, besides the camaro's, the element has to be the best of the other cars i've driven and the space of it would be nice for driving to MD for paintball. Who knows what i'll do though, either way its gonna cost me money.

Relationship status still = single. I dunno what to think about this one, sometimes i feel really depressed i dont have anyone like that, sometimes i could care less. I guess i'm looking, but i'm not, its weird, not that a lot of girls in this area seem attractive anyways. For some reason, i just think of just about everyone as being too simple minded and having no clue as to what life and a relationship should be. I've gotten to know several pregnant girls and you mothers or guys with kids or kids on the way, and just about all of em just seem to have no clue. I wish it were common practice to carry a bat with you and beat anyone who just fails at life.

WoW is over for me. I'm tired of playing a game that runs my life... little killer to tell people, especially women, "no i cant go out tonight, i got a raid." Well, no more of that. For now on, ill stick with my nerdy games that i can play, and stop at anytime and pick up later so i can try and develop some sort of social life, which may come to a halt once Diablo 3 and/or starcraft 2 comes out. I've spent over 175 days playing that game (meaning atleast 4200 hours) and i while i regret not gettin out in the sun much, i did have a good time and made lots of good friends across the nation which im gonna try and stay in contact with. So, it wasnted a waste of time and i still think it is the best form of entertainment and the cheapest form of entertainment for dollar to time ratio to any other activity, its just not for me anymore.

I need new music to listen to... now that ben's gone, i might go through his cd's and see what i might enjoy. If anyone wants to help, post or send a message to me of bands you think i might like, ill check em out and tell ya what i think. Been thinking i need to pick up my bass guitars and play around with em every now and then. Also been tossing around the idea of getting an electronic drum set. The nice ones are pretty expensinve and i dont know who i could go through to make payments... that and i think know what the people below us would say, so, maybe ill wait on that till i get a new apartment on the ground level.


Welp, i think thats a nice little update, and i really cant think of much anymore to post. So, send me a message, im bored, someone needs to make some plans or something damn it.

Later

Where to start. Still working at Utz. Cheeseballs are O.K. The line is junk, but I'll deal with it. Met some cool people there, though i still don't talk for probably 8 of my 10 hours a night. Other than that, the job gets easier and easier to deal with every night.

As said before, I'm trying to get a little healthier. Actually went for a run yesterday, crazy right? Thinking about getting a membership to the Y, don't know if i'll abuse it enough though for the cost of it. Also changed my eating habits in the last couple weeks. Haven't been drinkin nearly as much soda, have a ton of water now, and went from eating large portions of various foods to salads and eating less in the amounts of the other foods. Been taking whey protein on the days I lift. and been taking Hydroxycut since Thursday. I highly suggest Hydroxycut Hardcore for those who wanna lose weight and/or feel like they have more energy through out the day, its awesome. Hopefully in the next few weeks, ill be able to post pictures of a much healthier J.R.

It's almost christmas time... trying to think of gifts. Can't figure out why though my friends are so easy to shop for as compared to my family. Don't know who all I'm buying for yet though. Anyone wanna help out? I need idea's for the family. Dad is into the Colts (football team), golf, video games, and guitar... any idea? Mom is really into Crafts, garden work, her faith... but she has a ton of yarn, plants are over-rated, and i think the past 2 or 3 years i bought her something based on bible study. And my sister... plays video games, reads, and is into the whole anime/cartoon scene... but i dunno how much she plays games in school or even what she wants and doesn't have, she gets all kinds of books from my aunt, and i dunno what exactly i could do for the anime thing. I think im just gonna go the easy route this year and get everyone giftcards :-D

Bills are almost caught up. As much as i hate to say this, i really hope we are working 6 days a week up till christmas. It's gonna kill my social life... you know, the pathetic one i have chillin with the same 4 people every weekend,  but i need the money. I'm thinking 2 more weeks, and I may actually get a whole paycheck to keep away from bill collectors :-D

Girlfriend status = still single. Want one, but dunno. Not that i see anyone who is really interested, though i'm kinda diggin this one girl right now. But still, a girlfriend would probably mean my stopping of MMO's and probably a good amount of video game playing... though it seems like a play less and less every week. One girl @ work the othernight almost gave me a suprised reaction when i said i havent dated anyone in a long... long while. I'm still trying to figure out if she being serious or if she was just tryin to make me feel better about myself. Honestly, i would say the gaming part is the worst thing i have going for me right now, other than the aspects of my physical features. But eh, who cares, I'm sure someone will come around someday and actually accept me for who i am...

New All That Remains cd is pretty badass. They have a concert on December 5th with In Flames (also awesome) and 36 crazyfists. I wanna see em, and it was talked about... but who knows, tickets havent even been ordered yet. Oh well.

Dunno what else to talk about. I think i pretty much covered everything...

Later

So, I'm at work last night and they decide to put me on the sun-chip mix, meaning i fix the various different flours together and feed it into the machine. Pretty fast night, got to work with new people, pretty fun. It was bothering me all night that I could have sworn I knew the guy who was training me from somewhere. I had no clue why i remembered is face and hair cut, but it bugged me all night. So, we work late cleaning out the machine because day shift wasn't gonna be running chips... which they did anyways. The guys ride left without him so, figuring he only lived like one street over from me, I told him I would give him a ride home. So basically this is how the conversation went in the car:


Me: "So, where on carlisle st. do you live?"

Him: " Right by Mcdonalds. Kind of to its corner on the other side of the street."

Me: "... do you live in a half house with a white and green porch?"

Him: "Yeah."

Me: "Remember a Camaro accident?"

Him: "...Yeah."

Me: "That was me."


Turns out the guy I took home was the one who tried to take the fall for hitting my car instead of letting it fall on the women who didn't have a license and probably didn't speak english cause she hid in the house the entire time. I told him it was no big deal, and it was in the past, but I'm not gonna lie when I say it took a lot not to just knocking the fucking shit out of that guy when I found out who he was. Funny just who you may end up working with.

Well, an update on life. If have a good paying job with lots of hours, and an apartment with my buddies. Its awesome. Someone offered me a Camaro, trying to get rid of my car payment and i might just go for it. 2010 Camaro comes out in spring of 2009, cant wait. The only thing buggin me now is that sprints cell phone service sucks balls and i cant wait to ditch em.

Well, lets see... I'm jobless. Im spending all my time playin games and lifting weights. Bought a few new movies to watch. I suggest Doomsday and Postal. Both good. Don't get Run Fat Boy Run if your expecting it to be like Hot Fuzz... funny, but not as funny. Hopefully tomorrow they will finally be finished with me background check... been almost 3 weeks. Think its getting a little ridiculous. Ummm... Dunno what to think about women anymore... they need to grow up. Diggin this one girl, but everytime I talk to her, she seems to say something that makes me less interested. I guess that's good cause I never really had a chance anyways. Dunno if I wanna get mixed up in some of things she is into now anyways... hopefully she stops. But anyways, I guess I'll just wait till the day chicks stop worrying about their image of which guy they are with and maybe... just maybe, they will pick a guy with a sense of purpose in life over the wastoids who get trashed, treat them like shit and think its a good night to take em out and drive up and down a strip of road for a few hours. What else is on my mind.... I wanna play paintball... getting restless sitting in this house all day. And as you can see, I'm bored. Guess I'll try and find something to do.