The only other time I have been betrayed by a "friend" at this level was by the hated Rat.
After everything.
After begging them NOT TO DO IT.
I cannot forgive.
This is too much.
They've gone too far.
Feeling upset is nothing to the RAGE that I am feeling.
I cannot even fathom what was going through their heads.
Maybe I'll find out when I spill their brains all over the floor.

Extending on my blog from yesterday.

It's funny how many people I know/see that have turned themselves into some sort of caricature, I cannot even fathom it as I find it so hard to be fake and not myself to just one person for a little while let alone the whole world on a day to day basis.
They shy away from who they really are, perhaps because taking a good look at who they really are would scare the shit out of them.
I've accepted who I am, all my flaws, all the bullshit, I know it's there and I deal with it. This is one reason why not a lot of people like me because I'm not going to tip-toe around people and issues and not going to pretend to be something I'm not to make anyone else feel better.
There are also people who go the opposite and put on a face of being tough, uncaring etc. when really they aren't like that at all it's all just a desperate attempt to fit in.

Sure some people might argue that that's humans for you, but that's not the way it should be. That's one of the reasons we have things like pop-culture, fashion trends etc. because people would rather roll over and act the way other people want them to then to just be who they are. The idea of counter-culture is also a joke, how is a bunch of goths all dressed in black clothes and platforms any different from a bunch of boppers in mini skirts and ugg boots?

People are so terrified of what others will think of them that they block out everything that makes them who they are and it's a sad thought that this is the way the world is going. How long before there are no longer any individuals left?

Fuck man.
You're not what you think you are and you never will be.
No body is real to themselves. Oh they would like to think they are but they aren't.
People are so fake, perhaps they cannot handle who they really are because it doesn't live up to the image they want to have.
Be true.
Be real.
You may just find yourself being a lot happier in life.

I'm pretty sure it's all down hill from here.
I'm drunk and it's 4:30 in the afternoon.
I have no job.
I'm moving back in with my parents.
I'm in love with someone who doesn't care about me at all.
I'll look for acceptance and some kind of pretend affection from people but I feel like scum afterwards.
I think about her nearly every god damn day.
My friends never want to see me.
It only gets better for a little while.
I look and I hate everything I see.

I had an encounter in the weekend.
Uhg.
I feel so gross.
I'm sure you're not meant to.
I really have to stick to my whole not letting people touch me thing...
I don't even like thinking about it.

On a lighter note I'm moving out of this shit hole soon haha, so very, very sick of the people I live with.
Fucking arseholes.

I feel weird, this sensation of being real for once.
My body connected to the mind.
A feeling maybe that I can hold onto...
I'll never forget...
It was almost ecstasy, so much more then any other time...
So much more then when we were together.

It's gonna be too hot to breathe today
And everybody's out here on the streets
Somebody's opened up the fire hydrant
Cold water rushing out in sheets
Some kid in a Marcus Allen jersey
Asks me for a cigarette
Companionship is where you find it
So I take what I can get

Hubcaps on the cars like funhouse mirrors
Stick to the shadows when I can
Lovecraft in Brooklyn

When the sun goes down the armies of the voiceless
Several hundred thousand strong
Come out without their bandages
Their voices raised in song
When the streetlights sputter out
They make this awful sizzling sound
I cast my gaze toward the pavement
Too many bloodstains on the ground

Rhode Island drops into the ocean
No place to call home anymore
Lovecraft in Brooklyn

Head outside most every day
to try to keep the wolves away
Imagine nice things I might say
If company should come

Woke up afraid of my own shadow
Like, genuinely afraid
Headed for the pawn shop
To buy myself a switchblade
Someday something's coming
From way out beyond the stars
To kill us while we stand here
It'll store our brains in mason jars

And then a girl behind the counter
She asks me how I feel today
I feel like Lovecraft in Brooklyn

1. Nortt - Døden (Demo, both sides)

2. Nargaroth - Black Metal Ist Krieg (Album)

3. Krohm - Slayers Of Lost Martyrs and A World Through Dead Eyes (Both Albums)

4. Satanic Warmaster - Black Metal Kommando (Album)

4. Gallhammer - At the Onset of the Age of Despair

5. Gorgoroth - (Under) The Pagan Megalith

6. Thergothon - Everlasting

7. Taake - Doedskvad 1

8. Thorns - Interface to God

9. Urgehal - Invasion

10. Kampfar - Fra Underverdenen (Album)

11. Aaskereia - Erkenntnis

12. Burzum - Dunkelheit

13. Carpathian Forest - Return Of The Freezing Winds

So after last weekend and (sort of) hanging out with metalers I don't think I fit in with them...
All they seem to talk about is bands, ok sure maybe it was just the guys I was with but damn it we were blazing and that was still all they were talking about!
There has got to more to it right?

Maybe I'll just never fit in with them...
I'm too weird.

I hate your taste in women.

Why is it that males can't seem to ever date someone who is nice, intelligent and mature?
Nooo most males I know insist on dating girls the complete opposite of that thus forcing me to be around people I would much rather punch in the face then talk to.
And what makes it worse, so much worse, is the fact that most of the males are going out with these girls because of the way they look.
Males = Disgusting shallow WANKERS.

And don't get me wrong I'm not saying this because I'm jealous ahaha hardly as I swore off relationships of any kind long ago and have not yet found anyone to convince me to change my mind, I'm saying this because it pisses me off (ahh like so many other things) and there are girls out there that are nice, intelligent, mature and even good god attractive! I know, I've met a few! Yet time and again males will go after the girls that are cheap, easy, usually almost under-age, underweight and definitely of a sub-par intelligence level.

Well done males, well done.