well things have been going alright. i am getting use to the sleeping schedule and the people. i'm actually pretty happy although things never stay simple and carefree for long.

in fact there is always that one person who ruins things for everyone and he's already begun rearing his angry head. the manager has actually been having problems with him since last semester so i know it isn't just me but his managers won't do anything about it since it's hard to find a really good cook but seriously the guy is grrrrr. we had this huge rush and it was only him and i in the back and he just goes so slow and takes off to do other things and leaves me all alone back there with orders coming in by the dozens and not enough supplies to even put out the orders and when i get pissed off and ask him what he is doing and that he needs to come help me he basically says hah fuck you bitch don't talk to me like that and walks out on me. walks right the fuck out! and there i am with like 50 orders trying to keep up and having minimal success because unlike the zoo where you have relatively simple shit to make they have stuff that actually takes some time and you have to keep your eye on like omelettes, philly cheesesteaks, etc. so finally i get the manager who was already trying to keep the understaffed front going to go after him and literally a half an hour later he comes back in with an attitude problem saying just how useless me and the manager are. he was fucking talking serious shit to the manager to his face and the manager was just taking it! oh hell no i thought the man was crazy and you know what was worse? he got away with it. he came back in the next day and the managers told him just not to talk to either of us and they stuck me in the front basically saying i would be stuck there anytime kevin was in. rawr! but it's cool. manager is going to go over their heads and take care of it. but like i said aside from that i like the place.

college students can be pretty cool to serve. not as chitt chatty as the customers at the zoo though but far more interesting to watch at times. the other day these two chicks came in drunk as anything in these tiny tiny little dresses and started hitting on everyone in site and saying that they thought i was hot and that they hated the guy i worked with. lol. it was great. drunk people are just great and so are stoners. this one guy came in and literally bought five peoples worth of food and just sat there and ate it all at once and me being the fatass that i am kept trying to give him more food. lol. are you sure you don't want whipped cream on that? how bought some chocolate chips for those pancakes. i always give the skinny little bitchs and a lot of the men slightly more condiments or slightly more ice cream to attempt to fatten them up. lol. i have no idea why but i have the old sterotypical motherly urge to fatten people up. to go around saying "honey you are too skinny. here eat something." makes me wanna become a very good cook so i can sit there and make something utterly delicious and just shovel it into everyone's mouths like "here you go baby have some more it's good for you." lmao. i'm such a weirdo. oh well. i still think it would be awesome.

food is such a powerful thing no matter what anyone says. i mean honestly who can sit down to an extremely well prepared meal with someone and still have problems with them. i mean even if it is for just that one moment you are bonding. you are both enjoying the same thing, at the same time, together. good food can make friends out of enemies. can bring together different cultures and clicks; hell it can bring together all of mankind (okay maybe that is a stretch but not really if you really think about it) because everyone I don't care who you are or what your dietary needs might be loves food. it's a beautiful thing and as cheesy as it sounds i love this industry and i'm so happy that i found my way into it when at one time i didn't take the job seriously.

i'm thinking about going to culinary school. i'm not sure where exactly maybe SCI (scottsdale culinary institute) or maybe through jobcore. i haven't decided and i'm not positive yet but i think i want to give it a shot. if it's not for me and i turn out to be a terrible chef (which i honestly might since i have hardly cooked a day in my life outside a job setting) then alright more loans to pay off but if it is like i think it might be then i am still young enough that i very well could be successful and happy. either way i think it's worth the risk. i have to do something with myself after all.

well check in with y'all later. i have some work to get ready for.

xoxo

lol. okay now i think i'm starting to loose it. i wake up thinking it's tuesday and literally have to force myself out of bed because of the exhaustion i've been getting from the awkward hours and bus waiting, force myself to eat something when i really have no urge whatsoever, handwash my white shirt because i'm not suppose to be doing laundry more then twice a week but i have to work the front and back so i must look clean and professional, ride the bus for two hours all the way out to tempe when low and behold i don't have work today. lol. yes infact it is wednesday not tuesday and i have gone through all that trouble for not. i don't know where my mind is going these days.

the job is doing alright but i hate how no one really takes me that seriously. haven't had time to show them what i'm capable of and with the way people run things i don't know if i really will. the kitchen's methods sort of piss me off in all actuality. they tell me that i'm taking things to seriously but honestly they send some of the things out of that kitchen in a condition that would never fly with me. burgers with finger prints imprinted in the bread. sandwichs made with bread that was toasted 30 minutes ago. chicken tenders slapped down slopply sometimes under the fries that come with them and at a slower pace unless it's busy. i don't see why wanting to get it done as quickly as possible in decent condition and getting annoyed if that can not be done is a problem when i'm the one who is suppose to be expoing. it's just good work ethic. i let the sloppiness slide because no one else cares but when i expo it's really really hard to sit there and say nothing when people are half assing it and being slow at the same time. i mean seriously if you're going to take forever atleast make it look nice. shit. but whatever not my kitchen i just have to learn to hold my tongue and do the best that i can in the position they've given me. they started cross training me on about day 2 or 3 so i'm out front a lot of the time or rather whenever borris is there. the college students have actually been pretty cool and very polite. it's weird to always see the same faces coming in all the time though.

i think my smoking is starting to get a little bit out of control. not insanely bad or anything but i'm starting to go through a pack of black & milds and a pack of pall malls once everything three days. sometimes it literally burns going down my throat but i don't want to stop. i'm literally starting to notice the way that if i stop for a few hours i get cranky and my heart and mind lifts and i feel a buzz when i finally do get my smoke. the weirdest thing is even as i can literally start to feel myself getting sick at times from it i have no urge to stop. i just don't care. all the clear warning signs of an addiction. lol. it's funny a year into smoking and i start to get addicted. a few months ago i could literally go a few weeks and did without smoking and not have much of a problem but now i don't want to consider it. lol. it's rather funny.

started hanging out with jimmy again well sorta. he gave me a ride home the other day when he heard that i would be waiting for three hours other wise. it was pretty cool and as usual he slips into my life so easily so naturally like he was never gone but already i see some of our old problems and am reminded as to why things didn't work out. hopefully we can over come it this time. i certainly see things more clearly. he's looking for a room mate and i really should get out of this place especially since once they get their tax return they'll no longer really need me to get by. i know that he is one of those people that i could really live with and see on a regular basis and never get tired off and still be able to coexist peacefully.

it's weird. when i'm around people i really care about looking them in the face things just seem so simple and clear and i can talk and work out pretty much anything but when i get away from them or try and text or email things can get cloudy and overly emotional fast. so i'm going to stick to a new rule anytime there is a real problem or something important i need to talk to someone about always wait and tell them into their face and if that isn't possible be as detached as possible. yep that's the new method for me.

so on to look up superbowl commercials! :D

catch y'all later

well lets see a lot has happened since my last post. i had some crazy moment where my ssn card disapeared on me so i ended up having to start work three days later and getting put in the 3rd shift. on the plus side it means i get to avoid the sun and i get to work during their greatest rush of the day on the downside since my fat lazy ass never learned how to drive it means i have to roam around campus for the 2-3 hours it takes between the time i get off and the buses start running again and since the computer labs close at midnight for the time being that means outside with nothing warm but my zoolights sweater in 30 degree weather. good times. :(

 the place seems nice enough. for the first two hours i felt like a worthless infant because i only seemed to be getting in the way but by the end of it all i felt like i really started to get the hang of it. i even got to learn how to flip eggs but doing that shakey thing with the pan. i even get to wear one of those really cool white shirt black pants outfits you always see in the good resteraunts. perhaps i'm a nerd but i think i look wicked cool in it. :D the people seem pretty cool but a little too political and argumentative for my taste. always wanting to debate something or another and always tooting the enthnic pride horn. apparently it was one of their slowest days in a long time. it certainly didn't feel like much.

it's funny how in life nothing really compares to your first experience with something. subconciously or conciously you'll always compare what you see to that first moment or place or person. i step into a kitchen and all i can do is see the differences and the similarities between it and go and i've really begun to realize many things. mostly i realize just what a disapointment i must have been to some of the bosses. to bo especially. i mean he saw a lot in me and he really did give me tons of oppurtunities there and hell even let me get away with saying and doing some things that other people probably would have never gotten away with and in the end all i did was let him down. i know i could have done better. i know i still could. i want to apologize but i wouldn't dare try and step back into their lives right now because i know that in the end i pushed them too far, i overstepped my bounds too many times, i talked back once to often and now it's too late. i messed up things for everyone and i know that i'll be fine no matter what happens somehow i will be fine and i will get by someway. and i know that Go will and are doing just fine without me and that's okay. maybe i will go back for a week in march during ASU's spring break. maybe. i don't know. i want to go back in Sept. but the more i think about it the longer i stay gone the more i realize about what really went on the more i don't know if i want to go back at all. i wouldn't know what to say or do to ever make up for the disapointment i caused.

xoxo

once again i'd like to say how sorry i am for leaving for so long without a word. it really is unforgiveable but hell i doubt any of you care that much. :P i've been alright. got laid off from my job last week and to be perfectly honest i don't think there was a moment that i've had such mixed feelings in my life. part of me was almost happy to finally released from my bonds from the dread that it could happen and a part of me grieved the loss in much the same way i would a lover. i would wake up in the night tears streaming down my face my forehead a cold sweat an aching in my chest i haven't felt since i finally cut myself off from jimmy but then i would get out of bed and dressed and walk out the door and feel this confidence and collectedness that would have been untangible to me a year ago. i suppose i never realized just how much i changed in the three months that i was there.

my interviews have been going rather well. i haven't been wholely turned down by anybody. denny's pretty much said that though i didn't have enough experience atleast the kind they need for the opening they will contact me and put me through thorough training once they get the place up and going which could be cool although there is no way in hell i plan to remain unemployeed for three weeks. the second place already filled the position before they saw me but tried to trick me into taking a different position with the company outside the industry of my choice which i had to very firmly turn down countless times. i put in an application with HMSHost this morning and i have another interview at 3:30 with asu dining. we'll see how it goes but alas if they do give it to me it would mean riding the bus even longer everyday and spending the nights over at at asu but i suppose i'll worry about details like that once they decide if i'm the sort of material they want working here or not. i know that the whole overly fat thing concerns some people since it reflects poorly on the company in some weird way. i don't really understand it myself but statistically obese people and obese women especially have a much lower chance of landing a job compared to someone of average weight. yeah yeah i know encouragement to loose weight but fuck that i'm just fine with how i am despite the fact that i gained a pants size doing a month of register work and eating zoo food everyday. i mean seriously whose fucking business is it if i decide to live an unhealthy lifestyle. they don't have to live with me and i'm not putting my naked body on display shit.

*cough* anyways it's never really been much of an issue with me when i deal with people actually. i normally come off quite well for some reason. althoug i catch myself acting a little too cocky lately but somehow it works for me. for some reason if you act like your worth the haven and earth people actually seem to be impressed when you really haven't shown them much of anything. that sort of thing never really worked on me but hey normal people are really quite silly creatures beyond my simple understanding. well enough rambling for now i think i spent way to much time writing this and there are a lot of things for me to do and check on before i go. who knows when i'll get on a computer again after today. later guys and gals. later.

I've been pretty good lately. My life has become something of a routine. Wake up. Take a shower. Go to work. Come home. Wash Clothes. Go to sleep. To be honest the routine doesn't bother me. Infact I am one of those rare breeds of people who feel more at home and more settled when infact they have no real random occurances in their life. Who can work their ass off everyday and find a sense of peace and not emptiness from what they are doing. Everyday I feel like I'm looking forward to the next. Thinking of all the things that need to be accomplished and budgeting out what I can. I see that my life may not be going anywhere however.

I listen to the half stuffled sobs of a women nearly 40 years old sitting across from me on the end of a cigarette wishing that her life was not being wasted wishing that she was in her former glory and realizing that hard work and dedication doesn't get you very far in life sometimes and I find myself thinking how alike we are. She tells me how old and alone she feels at times and as silly as it is I a women of only 20 years feel the same stirring in my chest. Feel the burden of age and isolation from romantic love bearing down on me like a large cold stone to my chest. Only it sits there never noticed until someone points it out. Like the emperor's new clothes we strut around thinking everything is right as rain but the second some innocent person tells us what is really going on we cover ourselves and realize with shame what we've presented to everyone. The odd thing is I realize all this. I see that I have no direction. I see that I could die alone but somehow in this moment, somehow when I'm working and I'm staying with this family none of it matters. I can just keep going without worry or dispair. It's not a problem because as of late I've been tired to do much of anything and as sick as it may be I love it that way.

I love coming home exhausted, my feet aching, my emotions a numb, my shoulders sore, my thoughts locked in some tangled web that is work. I find myself going in to work early. I find myself leaving work late. I find myself doing extra work when it didn't absolutely need to be done. I feel so on top of things there. I'm constantly finishing the jobs they give me in half the time the others do and asking my supervisor with pleeding eyes if they have more work for me to do. I don't even care about the money so much. I mean it's great to have it here and to know that I can finally buy things but when I'm at work I don't think in terms of dollar signs when I wake up I don't think in terms of it'll be worth it but rather I've realized that I work primarily just for the sensation of working itself. I find myself like now wishing I was there. Wishing I was working. Who ever heard of such a thing. I must surely be a very mad soul but oh how things in my life have seemed to come together and oh how much more complete if even not in total it has seemed since I started. Life is pretty good right now. I can only hope that it stays that way.

i havent updated in forever. i suppose that it's been because not much has happened but when i look at the last post it seems as though indeed a lot has happened since then so i will try to get it all out. at the start of august i moved in with my best friend edith and her family. i decided that i want to work full time for awhile and save up so i can go to a real school (uat) in january and not have to go crazy over all those fees. it seems like i have been job hunting for forever though. i had a job at a paper factory for a few days but that didn't really work out and honestly i still have no idea what happened to my paycheck from that. >_> i got a guard card so apparently i can do that sort of work. i've been applying everywhere in hope of getting something but i haven't had much luck lately. i have an interview with metrocenter about doing security out there but my not having a driver's license could be a very major issue.

i'm not smoking for a few days while grace's (edith's mom's) boyfriend is in town. it's not that hard physically but i get really cranky and i forgot just how much tension i have bottled up when i don't have something like that to release some.

i don't really go out much anymore. i'm closer to all my old friends but they are all so distant that it doesn't really make  a difference anymore so i typically content myself to playing sims 2 and yoshi tetris and watch emanuel play videos games on his 360 and Wii. sometimes i feel like i'm crowding him or that i'm doing something wrong and other times it seems really cool and we talk a little while he plays. he always seems to be changing from moment to moment and it drives me crazy and not in a good way. unfortunately that kind of behavior brings out the people pleaser in me and dispite the fact that it just makes it more blatantly obvious that i have issues i think it is part of why i feel a growing affection for the boy. i don't even know how to explain it and frankly i shouldn't have to but some piece of it is seemingly undeniable.

we have a cat named chuck norris but everyone has a stupid little nick name for him that he probably registers as himself more then chuck. pussy foot, kiton, mr. senor gato, baby, etc. he isn't the brightest cat and like most cats in my experience he has this air of haughtiness about him as if to say that he is far superior to his owners. we've been leaving him out more often these days because grace doesn't like having the litter box in the house. the other day though i left him out in the morning and despite the fact that i kept checking the doors he did not come back till 3pm and when he did he was filthy, limping and exhausted. he wasn't his usual self at all and we were all really worried atleast edith and i were. he seems to be back to his old self though although he doesn't move around as much and there is definately still a limp involved. he doesn't seem that excited about going outside either so i'm worried that he is going to start going around the house. oh well i guess what can you do.

in short all in all things are realitively good. i have a roof over my head, i have food, and i have people who love me. unfortunately i am also coming off as a major moocher despite my efforts and my social life outside the group is almost nonexistant. these things happen though. hopefully things will pick up. after all this is my life and it's ending one day at a time. i would hate to see it wasted. who knows if you have to relive it or not.

yet again when i was loosing hope. when i needed someone just to talk to for a long time and someone just to focus on without having to feel something towards the universe gives me everything that i need. after not seeing fred for what must have been atleast a few months. i randomly run into my asexual friend and end up hanging out for well over 9 hours just talking about art, life and just everything and doing tarot. i can't tell you how much i needed to just talk and get things off my chest and just be with people. it was really nice. infact i am still hanging out with her she is just looking at her livejournal right now. all in all i think that i'm getting a handle on things. the uat people seem very distant and almost i dunno...like they want me gone but dont want to say anything so they just ignor me and push me away. i mean sure ive said somethings wrong but i think that they just misunderstand me. like their picture is completely warped. i think that i was reaching out more out of a need to communicate with someone. out of a need to be close with people that i see on a regular basis but now that i have talked to someone and felt like i am around a real friend i look at the entire situation differently. i don't know. i think i need to just chill out and give them space and if they don't want me there then okay. i don't need them. there are plenty of other people out there who do want to be my friend. who can connect with me. i guess the universe wanted me to know that. oh and i did a few readings purely on instinct today and apparently it was spot on so yay. that is all.