So today i came to a realization.
Last year i lost 45 lbs in a matter of maybe 4 months. I was energetic, i was starting the love the way i looked, i was getting attention again, and i loved to work out and eat right.
Since the biggest loser million pound match-up competition ended last June, i seemed to have lost all zest completally in working out. Sine than, i have gained about 35 lbs BACK... in no way making me feel good about myself at all. It's amazing the hard work and dedication it takes to loose the weight and work out, but gaining it back and slipping back into a lazy life style is so damn easy.
Today as i sat down on the love sac to watch Practical Magic with Patty, i suddenly took things into perspective. All i have done since moving down here, is become more and more lazy as the days roll by. I work maybe 2 days a week if i am lucky, not resulting in me 'going out' very much. When i am not working, my friends live too far away for me to do anything about it, so i sit. Sit and eat because i am bored. Sit and watch tv, or play online. Maybe even read. But all this sitting... is just too much. I used to want to go out, take the train to Chicago and walk around for hours on end. Go the the parks and walk around all the time, jog on the tredmill for an hour or so and than to at least 30 minutes of playing DDR and than an hour long of a work out video. Why? Because i felt so active! and i LOVED it!
Recently, even the thought of getting up and working out makes me tired. I FEEL the weight sink as i stand. I hear the phone ring on the charger in my room, and actually take a few moments to contemplate getting it, because i dont feel i have the energy to get up.
I am tired of this.
Sick and tired of just getting fatter and fatter.
and lazier and lazier.
Tired of DAYDREAMING about working out, and making lists in my head of what i want to do, and than never doing them.
I'm done. I know i cant flip it around completally in less than a day. But i am going to start making lists of chores to do just to keep myself busy. I am not going to become a vegetarian again per-say, but i am going to cut back meat a lot and start getting salads and fruit. Veggie burgers are still one of my favorite things anyway.
List for today:
Go to work
Come home
Scrub down bathroom and make it shine
put away ALL laundry in my room
dust room and windex windows
pledge-dust all shelves in living room and family room
vaccum living room, family room and bed room.
mop kitchen and bathroom.

tomorrow i plan on cleaning out my bunnies cage and sweeping and mopping the entire back porch.
My parents are coming into town on Thursday. I want this house looking amazing. and i want to do as much to stay active.
I am starting out slow. eventually i want to get back into my walks. and my work out videos. But i need to start eating healthy and clense out my system before i start that.

Please, leave any inspirational comments or anything you can think of. If you would like to get together to work out or ANYTHING, please message or comment me. I will take all the support i can get.

Off to work.

October:
1-  6-9:30pm, Torrid
2-  2:30-9:30pm Motherhood, Gurnee
3-  6-9:30pm, Torrid
4- 1:30-10pm, Motherhood Gurnee
5-  off!
6-  6-9:30pm, Torrid
7-  9:30-4:30, Motherhood Gurnee
8- 4:30-9:30, Motherhood Hawthorn
9- 9:30-?, Motherhood Hawthorn
10-  6-9:30pm, Torrid [last day]
11- 4:30-10, Motherhood Gurnee
12- 2:30-7:30, Motherhood Gurnee
13-  3:30-9:30, Motherhood Gurnee
14-  9:30-4, Motherhood gurnee
15-  OFF!!!
16-  9:30-5:30, motherhood Gurnee
17-  9:30-5:30, Motherhood Gurnee.
18- OFF <333

Boo work... o-well, i get more hours that means i will be paid more. That is always a plus. I need to pay off my credit card, and start saving for the holidays. I am actually looking foreward to the holidays this year. My mom told me the other day she was thinking about skipping the x-mas decorations this year. I almost slapped her. I am not religious or anything, i dont enjoy christmas for the gifts or jesus or any of that crap. But i just love how 'homey' everything feels. And the thought of my house not being decorated kills me. I know its a lot more easy and fun putting them up rather than taking them down... but i told her i will put them up. and least the majority of them. I am enjoying seeing the tree's change colors again, even though it seemed like summer never even came. And i am not exactly looking foreward to surviving another illinois winter... x_x i need a tarp for my car lol. that way i can just brush the snow off of it with a big ass broom... and than just peel the tarp off. Its worth a try this year! haha. the winters here have been getting more and more brutal. even people who love winter are dreading winter coming....well, all cept John... but when it comes to how much he enjoys the cold, i think i may have a slight suspition that he isnt human >.>;; lol kidding kidding! ^__^;;
Anyway. i just felt like posting a blog.
i havent in awhile.
I guess i will play the sims a bit for an hour or so before work.
Or call someone. I am lonely =[
My fish and cats dont do a very good job keeping me company.
They'd rather start fights or lick themselves.
Jerks.

Much love,
Ayla

Soooo Blog time!
So the biggest loser season premiere is tonight, I am hoping that may cause a nice motivational boost in my weight loss department. Plus i got my mom to buy strictly healthy foods today. But at this point, the weight loss is the least of my problems.
I am broke.
Literally, broke.
I owe a lot on my credit card, which is sadly gonna take forever for me to pay off. Paying 200 a month on rent and 31 a month on birth control dosent help my fund situation. I have only like 50 bucks in my checking account. I am getting desperate. I dont even know ways for me to get more money. I'm screwed. I am going to try to work a morning shift next sunday at motherhood, than right after i get off drive to Hawthorn's motherhood to help out with inventory. Which is usually another 6 hours pay. I am done eating out. even including subway. I may just HAVE to quit smoking because spending 5 bucks on cigerettes daily to every other day is sucking away a lot of money as well.... I'm broke. Poor. Screwed.
I have to make it somehow so that the only things i am buying are gas and my rent and birth control. Still thats about 200+31+160=391 a month on things i NEED to pay. stupid gas... i am going to have to stop putting gas on my credit card [i have a BP credit card, only reason why i do] so i can just use the money i ACTUALLY have. I hate paying rent. i wish i was more financially stable. I have two jobs and im still broke. i may quit torrid for the holidays, cause i do want SOME time to spend with family and my boyfriend. But after the holidays i am going to find another job, preferably one that pays at least equal to what motherhood pays or more. OR more hours. torrid i am only getting 10 hours a week. and when the holidays come around motherhood usually gives me at LEAST 30 hours. sometimes more. in which case i need to keep myself working. I've been offering to clean my co-workers houses in order for some extra cash. I think i am going to have a garage sale soon, just for some extra moo-lah. x_X i hate this. i hate being broke. i hate thinking my parents may get that job In florida, cause i would want to stay here, and i would be eating ramen as the only food just to find a way to support myself. I may have to stop with the birth control just so i have money [which i really dont want to stop... that could lead to worse problems.]

i need help. but i am at a loss of what to do anymore.
=[ i am scared. ]=

I know, i know. I bring this up a lot.
Ayla's loosing her mind.
Ever since April when my brother and Patty came up for a visit, i have been having the worst time sticking to my diet.
Well, up untill recently i stayed the same weight, or gained or lost a pound...something a long thoes lines.
Well, i see myself gaining... slowly but surely. And i can't let that happen. No, i wont.
I don't know what it is that makes me make poor snap desicions, instead of thinking before i order or something, but it has to stop.
I remember having the support of everyone back in January when i started this shindig. Its harder now, everyone being away for school, moving, and whatnot. But i know i have some supporters... and i need to fucking talk to my parents about it. When they were somewhat helping, and keeping junk out of the house, it was soooo much easier... now they keep bringing crap into the house, and getting bigger themselves, and its making it tough on me.
I found myself wanting to throw up when i was taking a shower. The image in the mirror repulses me.
So tomarrow is the day i turn my back on all this shit, and march foreward to my goals again. I need to work on myself before i can be truly happy. I am giving myself another year before i start up school again. [and yes, i AM going back.] but i have so much to work on.
I have great friends, a great boyfriend, a great family. And i know i can pull this off.
I say this a lot, but never truly stick to it.
i have to.
If we go out to vegas, please, check me and make sure i dont bring money. I will order water.
If you want to hang out or go to dinner, ask me to cook. I am a real damn decent chef and i would rather make low-calorie meals that will cost a lot less.
I'm determined.
and it needs to be done.
I'm going back to working out 3 to 4 (maybe even 5) times a week. If you'd like to work out with me; give me a call.

"Nothing tastes as good as weight loss feels"
I am giving myself 2 and a half weeks to loose 8lbs.

P.S. I do not plan on drinking at all, untill i have lost at LEAST 10 pounds. I want bad shit to stay out of my body. It's back to smartones meals and veggie 6inch subs for me! =D Baked chips, oatmeal, cheerios, fruit and veggies!
I'm going back to being a health nut.

I wanna be at my first goal [160] when the first autumn leaves start to fall.

i mean it.

Thanks for the support.
xoxoxoxoxo
~Ayla~

woo blog entry.
not much is happening... i guess i am just waisting time.
I was vaccuming... though there was a huge ass bee in the laundry room... took me by surprise! >.< i just sat staring at it comtemplating a good angle to suck it up with the vaccum hose without missing it and than it seeking some type of bee-formed revenge... Needless to say after 10 minutes of staring i finally realized he couldn't fly for some reason, sucked him up, than just held the vaccum on the ground for another 10 minutes on to make sure he wouldn't come out somehow... than i dropped the vaccum and came in here, incase somehow he did still come out >.>;; wow there is something wrong with me! haha

ANYWHO!
my parents come back tonight. I am indiffernt about it. I've missed them a lot, and figured out myself that cleaning a huge house (that gets infected with BEE'S) is not my cup-o-tea. So it will be nice to have my mom back lol. =] But i will miss having people over nightly in the hot tub keeping my company. (dont get me wrong, there will still be hot tubbin' times and bon fires coming up shortly!) but it wont be the same. Meh o-well life goes on. =] I need to start thinking about what the hell i wanna do with my life so i can get back into school. I kind of miss it. i just hope i can get focused on it. I've been all over the place with Loosing weight, 2 jobs, drama, and shifty men. oy... i need to get my mind back in gear. Weight loss to me come's first. No, not because i give two shits what people think about me. No, i just want to be healthy damnit. I was doing so well and i need to get back on the bandwagon. [i just realize i tend to use a lot of puns in my blogs. i think, i dont actually read them and rarely if ever pay attention to what i am writting. free-write babay!] my 2 jobs are also a top priority. i dont know how long i am going to stay with Torrid. not because i dislike it, i really do enjoy the job. But the pay-cut and experience-cut were not a very good idea on my part. I really wanna work in a coffee shop. ^___^ oh how i will try. Drama, hell that has no part in my life and im getting sick of being sucked into it. as for the shifty men, i am finally being left alone by the majority of my ex's, i haven't even tried to talk to the Gary kid after he pulled that shit on his girlfriend with me... no, I may be single for now, but i am not exactly looking anymore... =] Unless i've already scared this one off =P or if my friends have... lol. but apparently he likes me friends. including their threats =] (thanks sarah...again haha)

Well anyway... i've successfully waisted a few minutes. Either that bee has flown back out and is seeking revenge, or he is trapped/and or dead. I am hoping for option B.

have a good day all ^______^

~Ayla~