5 years ago....

5 years ago on this day I never thought that the day before would
be the last day I would see my moms alive. It's always an awkward day for me each year- in fact each Holiday and Birthday. It's so painful to turn a new age and not have her there to wish me "Happy Birthday" when I'm used to her being the first person. It's hurts knowing that I've spent less than 18 years of my life knowing her and having her here, and that I'll probably spend more on this Earth without her being here physically.

I just stayed in the house today and reflected, cried it out a bit and had a conversation with my aunt.

What she mentioned on the phone was very reassuring to the fact that my mom is DEFINITELY my Angel. I know my mother loved my sister and I UNCONDITIONALLY! And my mother was a passionate woman and she loved HARD! I know that the reason why I am the way I am in terms of my heart, my talent, my intellect and my gifts are because of her- and that all of the amazing things happening and to come are because she's working with the Creator making sure her baby's taken care of.

There's still nothing like being able to hug, and converse with a loved one. Even though I talk to her now- I would love nothing more than to hear a response as opposed to just feeling and hoping to hear one. I would give anything just to hear her even nag me ALL DAY. I would appreciate every millisecond of those nagging moments.

I find it so ironic that the gravity of when you lose something really hits you- and then you appreciate it immensely. You recollect every moment, every fight, every hug, every time you were upset, every time you were disobedient, EVERYTHING. It's like I know that her presence is ALIVE and surrounds me daily- but I miss her hugs, her laugh, and her warmth. The times where she whooped my ass and then lectured me after telling me she didn't wanna go that route and how much she loved me. Who beats ya ass and then explains themselves after? lol

My mother was a powerful woman and I guess in her departure from this Earth she's become a powerful force. She instilled some many things in me and I find myself growing, learning so many things. And one of the most valuable lessons I've learned is that life is too short to care for shit that- in the end isn't of importance.
I would say in closing just live the best way you know how to, cherish the people you have and those who truly love you and just make things happen! I'm so grateful for having a great family and circle of true friends/extended family.

Yall know me like a book and I thank yall for supporting me in all of my many changes and moods. You serve as a reminder to my purpose and that I do have a special mission on this Earth and I didn't know why I was so "Special" but now I realize that I come from one of the finest, most beautiful, intelligent, and amazing woman to touch this Earth- and I've inherited my creativity from the Creator- so it's only right that I do it way big right?

I grind hard for yall and sometimes I feel like it ain't enough so I gotta turn it up another thousand notches. I love yall and I thank yall. See you at the top! Ma, I know you'll be waiting for me there right- cuz that's where you'd like to see your boy. I love you, and I miss you so much. I thank you for sending great people and opportunities my way and for keeping Grandma and the family going strong!  Wrote in purple cuz that's your favorite color! Hehe…..

_CaNNoN

(CREATOR/MOMMY THANK YOU!)

The other day I came across this story that just hit me. It was so simple but so eloquently put. I felt I had to share it with someone so I'll let all of the people of the myspace world feel this one. I just got so much from this simple short story. How imperative it is to watch your actions. It all starts with your thoughts though so you have to real and check yourself. It takes a great person to admit when they're wrong, and an even greater one that realizes the mistake and works their hardest to prevent it from reoccurring.

It made me sit back and think like "Damn, how many things have I done to someone else, and has that wound completely healed?"  Then I thought of the instances where I've been hurt and the scars that I hold on too. It's like I try to forget that they happened, but I know they're there. I just am learning to understand the importance of watching your thoughts, because they become your words. And then your words become your actions. Then your actions become your habits. Then your habits become your character, and your character is your destiny. Be careful, first and foremost. I always give the benefit of the doubt to people because I expect everyone to be imperfect. But imperfection isn't an excuse to hurt someone intentionally and then say "I'm not perfect so what do you expect?" You should have some personal code, or moral that you live by, and its common sense. Pure logic. Would you want someone to do to you, what you do to others? How would that make you feel?

Those subjects are so cliche but never fail to be universal because everyone goes through some form of mistreatment in their lifetime. It's a common issue in this thing called life. Well I'm pretty much done on this subject. Here's the story. Hope whoever reads this inherits something. Appreciate those who are close to you, and work towards repairing any hurt you may  have caused. Feel free to share this with ya peoples. EzzZZzzzzz

NAIL IN THE FENCE"

"There once was a little boy who had a bad

      temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails

      and told him that every time he lost his

      temper, he must hammer a nail into the back

      of the fence. The first day the boy had

      driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next

      few weeks, as he learned to control his

      anger, the number of nails hammered daily

      gradually dwindled down. He discovered

      it was easier to hold his temper than to

      drive those nails into the fence.

      Finally the day came when the boy didn't

      lose his temper at all. He told his father

      about it and the father suggested that the

      boy now pull out one nail for each day that

      he was able to hold his temper.

      The days passed and the young boy was finally

      able to tell his father that all the nails

      were gone. The father took his son by the

      hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You

      have done well, my son, but look at the

      holes in the fence. The fence will never be

      the same. When you say things in anger,

      they leave a scar just like this one. You

      can put a knife in a man and draw it out.

      It won't matter how many times you say I'm

      sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal

      wound is as bad as a physical one.

      Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They

      make you smile and encourage you to succeed.

      They lend an ear, they share words of praise

      and they always want to open their hearts to us."

       Show your friends how much you care. Send this to

      everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if

      it means sending it back to the person who

      sent it to you. If it comes back to you,

      then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

      YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!

     ! ; Now send this to every friend you have!! And to 
  your family. Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

Yo I been up for hours just grindin! I'm so sleepy right now. The sun is out and I started when it was like 11 o clock at night. It feels good. I created some songs that I'm pretty pysched about. It feels good be back in my mode and preparing myself for different opportunties. I've come to realize that one's happiness is the most import asset in life. Do what ever you do as long as it makes you truly happy and you're content with it. It's so imperative to make sure that you focus on yourself and what maters to you the most, no matter what opposition you may get.

A lot of things are easier said than done at first but with the right application it's possible. It's so important that you put yourself first, and also know when to be selfless as well. You get what you put out and you can't love until you know love. And when you love yourself you know what to expect from others because you know what your own expectations are. If a person is treating you wrong and doesn't make an effort to change it then move foward because they're not worried about what you are. If you're unhappy then move on yo cause it isn't worth being unhappy. I'ma try to make this more of a habit, this whole blog entry stuff. I would type more but I'm sleepy as fuck. Yall be good out there. GOodnight, GoD Bless. EzzZZZZZayyyy

CaNNoN