100 Things You Need To Know About Women
(Maxim Magazine, November 2005 Issue)
1. Youll probably never know how many guys shes slept with. The standard lie is five, which really means about 12.
2. Buying a present for your girl? Shell hate it (and you) if she finds out you took along another woman to help pick it out.
3. The one breakup line shell never be able to argue you out of: Im sorry, but I no longer have feelings for you.
4. Foghats Slow Ride is not about a trip in the car. Get the hint?
5. Female serial killers tend to use poison rather than guns or knives.
6. Rub a sheet of medium-grade sandpaper across your face. Thats your five oclock shadow when you kiss her. Now rub that sandpaper on your inner thigh. (Mind you, were not suggesting you shave.)
7. Dated a stripper? Keep your mouth shut, stupid.
8. Sixty Percent of women in the United States color their hair, according to LOreal (who are obviously hoping they can peer-pressure the other 40 percent).
9. The minute she decides shes even mildly interested in you, she starts making mental pictures of what your kids would look like and imagining her first name with your last.
10. Ugly girls like to hang out with pretty girls because it makes them feel like theyre more attractive. Pretty girls hang out with ugly girls for the same reason.
11. She likes one of your friends.
12. Studies show women are more attracted to macho guys near ovulation. The rest of the month, theyre drawn to good providers, otherwise known as chumps.
13. Women appreciate a big penis, but having one doesnt give you an excuse to suck at foreplay. Elena, 28
14. Dont take a woman to a concert you really want to see-shell just want to leave early.
15. Girls dont want to date doormats. So make her proud and refuse to give up bowling night with the guys.
16. Chicks arent afraid to get kinky; you just have to have the nerve to ask.
17. Any good woman will tell ya, honesty is not always the best policy.
18. Once in a while, let her pick the movie and dont complain about it.
19. The more piercings she has, the more places shell let you put it.
20. All women think theyre smarter than their partners in some significant way.
21. More than half of surveyed females between 18 and 25 would prefer to be run over by a truck than be fat.
22. If you want more sex, tell your girl an attractive woman hit on you that day. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.
23. Every woman is self-conscious about her ass. Tell her you love her ass and youll see it more often.
24. A good but flawed man is a fixer-upper gem, and women love nothing more than home improvements.
25. At least one of her friends wants to sleep with you.
26. Put down the Drakkar and grab a box of Good & Plenty. Women are turned on by the scent of black licorice.
27. Gain her trust when youre out by calling her at 10 P.M. Shell go to bed content youre thinking of her, even if youre slurping Jell-O shots off some skanks cleavage.
28. Breast augmentation surgery has grown by 257 percent since 1997. The most popular size? C-cup. As if you didnt know.
29. One a first date, women never order what they really want to eat.
30. Dont caress our faces while were kissing, unless you really, really, really like us Rachel, 21
31. Got a new girl coming over? Your (tidy) bathroom should include clean linen, a box of Puffs Plus, and several rolls of TP.
32. Girls will not sit on any toilet outside their home or a five-star hotel. Everywhere else theyre hovering above the toilet in a squat.
33. The average woman owns eight bras and wears each one five times before washing. Shasta!
34. Chick rock strikes a deeply primal chord inside women while simultaneously revolting men. Just sit back and let her sing the Sarah McLachlan or Ani DiFranco song. Its only about four minutes long.
35. Like you, girls hate nothing more than a clingy partner who needs them every eight eight seconds.
36. At one point or another, Ive gone through your things looking for any evidence from past relationships. Im talking photographs, postcards, mementos, address books, diaries. If you dont like it, get rid of this stuff before letting me in your apartment. Its not about trust; its about curiosity, and it drives us crazy till its been satiated. Caroline, 28
37. Womens public bathrooms are about three times more disgusting than mens.
38. Let her beat you at something once in a while- poker, chess, Ping Pong, and shell be more likely to give you what you want, like some peace and quiet.
39. It never hurts to say youre sorry, even if you dont mean it.
40. About half of all brides will lose a good friend over a ridiculous bridesmaid squabble.
41. If she suddenly cuts her hair short, it might mean she no longer cares what you think of her. But that doesnt mean she doesnt care about someone elses opinion.
42. The only way girls who dont know each other can start a conversation and signal that theyre non-threatening is to compliment one anothers clothes, shoes, jewelry, or hair. To become BFF (best friends forever), a common enemy is needed.
43. About 40 percent of women still call their father Daddy.
44. A psycho jealous girl will do anything to keep her man, including anal.
45. Twenty-three percent of this magazines readers are women.
46. Women want to talk dirty, but theyre afraid you wont respect them in the morning. Reassure her that letting go in bed doesnt make her less classy and shell probably go wild. Jager helps.
47. According to the U.S. Bureau of Statistics, 23 percent of 18- to 34-year-old women live with their parents, versus 31 percent of you losers.
48. Women know where they stand looks-wise but worry about being considered cool, about which theyre unsure.
49. They dream of one day peeing in a urinal.
50. Women often buy shoes a size or two small because theyre in denial about the size of their feet-which they cant stand.
51. Dont call her cute. In her mind its the same as not vomit inducing. Sexy, OK. Hot, yes. Fucking awesome, only if shes at least slightly buzzed.
52. Despite always complimenting another womans short haircut, she secretly celebrates having one less competitor, since men prefer long hair.
53. According to the American Association of Facial Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery, Angelina Jolies lips were the most requested celebrity feature among all female patients in 2004.
54. A woman might say she just wants sex, but sleep with her for a while and shell change her tune. Ive known as many women who think they can pull this off, but they always develop feelings for the guy, says Evie, 22.
55. The best looking women often possess the least self-confidence.
56. Women ingest about half the lipstick they apply, which means they eat approximately one to three sticks per year.
57. Most women think theyre better drivers than they are. Dont point this out while shes at the wheel or shell freak out and crash.
58. If theyre going to do it, most wives cheat between the ages of 18 and 29.
59. When Im drunk, I cant cum. Not even with a vibrator.-Lauren, 35
60. Women often cite manhandling of breasts as the biggest foreplay, faux pas.
61. When a woman tells you her problem, she does not want you to offer solutions.
62. A British study claims a womans chances of getting married drop by 40 percent for every 16-point rise in her IQ. The same increase in IQ for a man boosted his chances of getting married by 35 percent.
63. In the U.S., 21 percent of women ages 18 to 59 hold out for their honeymoon.
64. An online dating services survey found that a womans ideal man has brown hair and blue eyes.
65. The most painless way to end an argument: Let her win.
66. They cant live without tension. Every once in a while, shes gonna pick a fight with you for no reason. Accept this as a running, inevitable theme and your relationship will make a lot more sense.
67. Kiss her before two dates have gone by or youll be friended.
68. Eighty-five: The number of males per 100 females in Gary, Indiana, lowest male-to-female ratio of any city with a population of 100,000-plus. The highest male-to-female ratio is in Salinas, California: 114 males for every 100 females.
69. If you have something to hide, shell find it.
70. Unless theyre lesbians, she wont approve of you hanging out with other girls. Even if theyre ugly. And, really, even if theyre lesbians.
71. Women grow hairs in a lot of the same places we do-lower abdomen, nipples, we just rid of them.-Katie 26
72. During emergencies, women are likely to remain calmer than men. Though it should be noted that inventing minor crises on a weekly basis gives them more practice.
73. Over the course of her life, a woman will use 10 men for every one she loves. If you lent her your car or helped her move and didnt get laid, youre one of the ten.
74. Girls who buy their men lap dances and pretend to enjoy it are kidding themselves. Theyre trying to keep him happy with some controlled freedom.-Suzy, 31
75. Women who are obsessed with their dogs also like to keep their men on a short leash.
76. She hates your XBOX more than she lets on. Blow her off for some gaming and shell stop wasting time on a dork like you.
77. The average woman kisses 79 men before getting married.
78. I hate when my boyfriend is sweaty and tries to lie down on top of me or cuddle after Ive cum. Wait five minutes.-Erin, 21
79. Never trust the woman who gives you the best blow job youve ever had.
80. If women have an excuse to take a pill, theyll take it.
81. The threesome is not about you; its about the two girls. If youre lucky enough to score one with your girlfriend, enjoy sex with the other one because theres a good chance itll end the relationship.
82. What do women really want in bed? More blankets. They get colder than men.
83. Women always want to believe what youre saying is true.
84. Sixteen percent of American men have been with a prostitutescientific proof most women are decent in bed.
85. A recent study revealed that natural blondes could be extinct in 200 years, so unless shes Norwegian, her towhead might be bottled.
86. Laying a towel down over the wet spot is like putting your jacket over a mud puddle for her, your noble bastard.
87. Your female coworkers are obsessed with the fact that on average they receive less pay than male counterpartsand the fact that they work less overtime and get pregnant is irrelevant to the discussion.
88. If I give you my number on Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday are your best bets to score a date. Monday is too desperate, Thursday is too late.Claire, 27
89. A girl would prefer to get a $100 gift from Tiffany & CO. than a $500 gift from Fortunoff. Why? Because her friends will ask where she got it.
90. Just started dating? Women want you to drive, even if its their car.
91. She still has all the love letters and cards from her past boyfriends.
92. A random hookup is more likely to result in pregnancy, because a woman has more sex when shes most fertile.
93. Girls who say, I love sports! are lying. Girls who ask you what time the game is on, without specifying which game theyre talking about, are not.
94. Never trust a girl who has no girlfriends. She doesnt get along with other women because shes either bat-shit crazy or just plain mean.
95. The sight of you in your socks and underwear is the biggest turnoff in the world.
96. Jewelry. Now you always know what to get her for a last-minute gift.
97. Beware of your girlfriends single party friend or gay bud. They want her to be single with them and will encourage any bad behavior as often as possible.
98. No matter how much she reassures you, if you cant get a hard-on she assumes youre not attracted to her.
99. Most women will not have sex for the first time with a guy unless their legs are shaved. If your date shows up and you spot stubble, shes trying to keep herself in line.
100. Girls enjoy always having something kind of wrong, like a headache or cramping or something. Remember: No matter how bad it sounds, shes going to outlive you.