Shabam, gots me a new blog...

I got up this morning, made coffee (yes this happens on occasion) and hoped on to see if I'd gotten any messages. I looked at the blog I posted the other night trying to figure out the reason I had gotten so many odd replies and from an outside point of view I believe I can understand. No, to put it simply, I am not suicidal. Nor do I plan on being in the future. Although I hate life for the bad things that happen daily, it is the over all impact I have made that makes me somewhat satisfied. I have come to the conclusion that it isn't the normal persons place in life to like life for what it is, but the person who only has a few hours, minutes, or seconds who can truly take life for what it truly is.

Life is a gift, one very special I might add. The point isn't to make as much money as some people would have you to believe, or to smoke as much pot or drink as much beer as you can. It is about helping each other out when you are capable and not just doing things to make others lives hell. You don't have to admit it or even tell anyone that someone has done something small, something that brightened your day for even a few moments. Someone not wanting to speed up and hit you while you j-walk. Someone holding open a door, a few extra seconds so that you can get in. buying a meal for the poor. Taking the time to give a helping hand to someone handicapped that wouldn't have been able to do that without you, or even when you have done something that they could have done as an extra.

The reason this is important to understand is this. Although some people just don't appreciate the things you do or the time you take for helping them out, even if they outright just don't acknowledge that you have been there, keep doing it. Do it not for the reward, but just for the gesture of kindness. It seems to be an almost forgotten act in this seemingly forsaken world and if you really want to change it, then try. A smile, a held open door, even not trying to run over the kid as he crosses the road is but a few examples of what can or could be done.

What do you do when fire spreads though the world you know, a raging inferno of heat and fear. The well is dry, and the spring is small. no luck, but all you can do is pray to the heavens for rain or a quick end to it all. I have been praying for rain, but the end to it all isn't what I wish for. Light comes every morning, and dark every night. Even when all seems lost in life, remember that trees will grow anew, houses can be rebuilt, lives are saved and the fire will fade in memory. Tonight I pray for the rain, not because my house is burning, but because every memory I can pull up of what I come from is just smoldering remains, and I can't seem to let it go. Logic tells me that if I want to live, and not just play at living, that I need to scrap what was, and build anew. Scars fade into the skin, and the only thing that finds them is a distant memory. Why is it that I can't seem to let mine fade? Anger and revenge have driven me to who I am today. I can openly admit that I am one of the most broken people around. I can hold up to the image of a decently working American citizen, but I haven't tried to live in years. Those memories are naught but dreams anymore and to tell you the truth I am at the point where I am tired of fighting, but at the same time I don't know anything but how to fight. I am so afraid that if I stop, that I will forget and be overcome next time something wrong happens. I have walls, barriers, and gates. i match Fort Knox lock for lock, and yet sometimes that all melts away and I am nothing but a broken child with nowhere to go. i have an apartment, but that is not a home. I have places I could stay, and a world I can travel, but I stand shaking, just thinking about the possibilities. the only times I have changed were when I was quite literally dropped on my head into those situations, and have only dealt with them instead of actually doing what needed doing. What do you say to the person still standing at the ruins of a home (happy memories) years after they were desecrated and demolished? Simple, deal and move on. I just am stuck between them, and without the other, I cant do either. I want to recreate who I am, but am afraid that by forging a new path that i will only destroy what little I have to hope for and be happy about. I am the worst pack rat you will ever meet. I don't just horde items, trinkets, and things that inspire memory, I horde every thought, and day dream. who I am is lost, but who will I be when I am found. Today is not the time for the answer though, that is only for the gods to know, who ever they be. i stand one among many, although I may be broken, perhaps I can lend you strength, hope or confidence. In my mind if I have or do, my purpose in life is complete. by helping someone else who is broken and building them up, perhaps i can reach my state of happiness. maybe that will let me achieve my satisfaction in life.

I tried and tried but it just couldnt hide, all of your bullshit was the key. you kept pushing and pushing and now youve unlocked something inside of me. my sanity is what you tore, i feel twisted, i feel enraged, i feel better than ever before. all of you that have fucked with me, im the last thing youll ever see. so go say your goodbyes, the next thing youll hear are your screams and cries. feel your blood drip down your eyes, your the fuckin one who i so despise. i sit here covered in your blood as you rot, your life didnt turn out as you thought. you thought ide just sit there and take it, you thought i wouldnt do shit. but look at you now, your on the ground, and soon to be in your grave mound. im sorry that it had to turn out like this, your life could of been a lot more bliss. dont worry i dont feel bad, after all your the one who drove me mad. its not so funny anymore. all your jokes and words brought was blood and gore. now your starting to get hard and cold. its too bad that you couldnt die when you grew old. but now youve fucked up for life, you got into too much strife. insanity, hatred, despise, these are all about me. all your family and loved ones can do is cry and all i got is two words... BUHBYE! - becky?