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Katie

Katie Dawdy


Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Gender: Female
Status: In a Relationship
Age: 23
Sign: Virgo

City: Omaha
State: NEBRASKA
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/18/2005

Blog Archive
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Thursday, September 17, 2009 
I need to call my therapist and tell him that I'll no longer be seeing him... at least for a while.  I need to figure out something good to tell him.  I'm not sure that saying, "I'm going up to North Dakota for six months" will be good, because it sounds crazy.  The average person of this society does not suddenly decide to move to the middle of nowhere with his or her lover of four months for an indeterminate amount of time.  Average.

"Why can't you be normal?"
"He is normal.  What you meant to say is average."
Ah, I love Utah Phillips.  =P

There's nothing necessarily wrong with being so spontaneous- I'm just different.  I just move faster than most people do.  One strength I have is that my nervous system can process this well, and it's how I thrive.  However, it's not well-understood.  That's generally okay.

I'm not even sure if this is rational, but I feel uncomfortable baring my soul to Doug because he is very close friends with Paulette, the one who referred him to me.  I understand that he's bound to an oath of confidentiality, but when Paulette can hire him to do a psych eval on me, I'm not sure where the boundaries of privacy lie.  I think after that happened, even when I understood that my privacy would be kept safe from then on, I couldn't relax enough to open up and be totally honest about my problems with him.  I was concerned on some level with appearing normal, and still am.

Paulette is a wonderful human being, and I'm fond of her.  She is a wonderful leader, and brings an immense amount of positivity to the community.  I'm scared of her, though.  My academic success lies in appearing normal to her.  She has sole power over determining whether I return to that school or not, and she is "concerned" about me.  Everything in UCHA is run to her standards of what is appropriate, and understandably, she believes that her ethical system is best.  However, not all souls share the same values.  I am 23 years old.  I have a decidedly chaotic-good stance.  I decide largely with my heart, and run everything on a situation-to-situation level, trusting what my instincts tell me.  This has never failed me.  I have gained SO much from being overly-kind with strangers, what she might call having boundary issues, and it is something I do not see changing.  What works for her will not always work for me, or others, and several people in the school have complained that she can't appreciate our differences.

An email from Paulette regarding giving a massage to Joee, the "homeless person":

"I think what is best, for now, is to withdraw from the program.  The
school violation was grounds to consider termination BUT I know you meant
no harm by your action, so my decision is just to place you on a
probationary status."

Look at that paragraph.  That raises some powerful emotions in me!  She does not have the power to keep me from my passion, which is to become educated in healing.  However, she does have the power to determine to herself, at least, that I am unbalanced.  That I need to work on boundary issues.  That I am mentally unstable and not fit to continue my education at her school.  I hope this won't happen, but it unnerves me that she'd even consider terminating me for reaching out a compassionate hand to a kid who hasn't eaten for three days.  That, to me, is crazy.

Being booted from the school will not stop my journey, but it will make things more difficult for me.  Also, I happen to like her, aside from having a different way of handling things.  I like going to this school.  However, she has a huge amount of influence on whether I can continue going to this school when I return, and this makes me very uncomfortable.  She's correct that I need to work on boundaries, but in my own way, and with what works for me.

Anyway.  Doug and Paulette are good friends.  I don't know if I can get "deep" with him because of this... shall I use the word incestuous? tie in my personal and professional life.  Even if I weren't moving, I don't know if I could see him right now, for that reason.  I need to find some way to tell him this.
8:48 PM 
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Thursday, September 17, 2009 
Intuition may be telling me it's not the right time to go to North Dakota, but I'm not sure.

Psst.  I really want to go.  What are you wanting to tell me?

Surely it must know that even if I'm getting an intuitive plink, my outrageous curiosity may override that, may decide to take the leap and go to North Dakota anyway.  I just love adventure too much.  But I'll listen anyway if it's important.  Or is there something I need to pay close attention to before I go, maybe?  Can you speak a little louder?
8:33 PM 
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Wednesday, September 16, 2009 
I'm a will-o'-the-wisp, a mythological floating ball of light.  I have an inchoate understanding of my desires and my purpose in the world.

My belief is that we're all one, all god, and we reincarnate.  Life has no meaning save what you subjectively and personally assign it.  My meaning is experience.  And when I grow up I don't want to be a doctor, I want to be self-actualized.  I never want to stop growing up, really, because I believe that you can never stop growing.

Aside from knowing I want to constantly grow and be a better person- my mind, my ethics, my body, my relationships... I don't know what I want to be.

Speaking of relationships, I just realized that I don't feel that close with many people.  When I come back to Omaha, I'll definitely see certain people.  I have a good handful of people who I love intensely.  But do I have someone I could tell -everything- to?  Maybe my sister and my mother.  I want to develop closer relationships with these people, but I also wander all the damn time!  I do not have a best friend!  I don't have roots, I don't commit!

I'm going to North Dakota, and right now that's exciting to me.  I'm going to be with Parker.  I'm going to learn a lot, including how to play a musical instrument- something I've wanted to do for years.  I'm going to read fascinating things.  I imagine lots of snowfights, and cooking together, and cuddling.  Thinking about it makes me melt a little inside.  But I don't imagine being there forever.

I am a rambler indeed.  Is this just a phase of being a 20-something, or is it more of a Katie thing?  Will I ever find my "purpose," and if that purpose is simply to grow, then what does that mean?  And is it possible to be a rambler who has strong roots, and depth, and community?

"I think you should learn, of course, and some days you should learn a great deal.  But you should also have days when you allow what is already in you to swell up inside of you until it touches everything.  And you can feel it inside you.  If you never take time out to let that happen, then you just accumulate facts, and they begin to rattle around inside of you.  You can make noise with them, but never feel anything with them.  It's hollow."  - E.L. Konigsburg
9:28 PM 
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Wednesday, August 12, 2009 
8:24 PM 
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009 
Also, I miss my son.  A lot.  And I have the fortune of being a birth mother who gets to see him as often as she wants.  It's been a month and a half, which is nothing compared to many birth mothers.  I don't understand why some people close their hearts to birth parents in allowing them to see their children.  When the birth parents are involved, everyone feels more secure.

The parents are supported.  Ruth and Scott were dealing with some heavy stuff last time we saw them, and we were over there frequently taking care of the kids and cooking meals while they were distracted.  Just think!  Free babysitting for the rest of your life!!  =P

The children are connected to their roots and have more love and guidance in their life.  I plan to provide for Tyler throughout his whole life.

As for the birthparents?  It was so difficult and painful at first, but it got better with time, precisely because Ruth and Scott were so loving toward Dan and I.  Because we were able to see him whenever we wanted, it turned from loss to gratitude.  Everything is perfect here.  I don't feel like Dan and I lost a son.  I feel like we've created a tribe around protecting and nurturing this little boy, and that we've created a family that's bigger than blood.

I do not understand those families who keep the birth parents out of their lives for fear that the children and birthparents will become too close.  Live with an open heart.  Don't be scared of sharing your love and inviting others into your family.

I miss Tyler so much.  It's felt like forever.  I'm going to call him tonight, and I am seeing him as SOON as I am back.
8:31 PM 
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009 
Our culture is so full of pain.  I used to have an almost psychic ability to tune into what someone was feeling and draw them into describing how they were thinking and feeling with appropriate questions.  Many would tell me things they'd never been able to tell anyone- not their spouse, not their best friend.  They felt safe with me, and I felt very protective of them.  Once they'd shared this with me, I was able to "tune-in" to what they needed, emotionally snuggling them or seeming to say just the perfect thing needed to inspire them into some action...

It's been "gone" from me a bit, I don't get those vibes anymore, or at least not as strong.  Bring it back!  Bring it back!  BRING IT BACK!!!
8:04 PM 
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Tuesday, July 07, 2009 
I'm finally testing out for massage today, or so I'm hoping.  =P  It's giving my teacher a massage and having her evaluate me.  Once I pass I can move on to giving school clients massages.

I'll have to hustle today.  I have to do in 50 minutes what I normally take 75 to do, because I like to take my time.  Anyway, I'm sure I'll do fine, but we'll see how this goes.
3:26 PM 
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Sunday, June 14, 2009 
Pulled from my dating profile for brevity; here for posterity.  =)

I'm WEIRD. Not just weird enough to be cute; that is a damn -warning-. You have to be an emotional goofball to love me, and pretty crazy yourself. When I love someone it's INTENSE. I'm not clingy at all- I'm just intense. I'm the touchiest friend of everyone I know.  And I make a hodgepode of interesting noises when I'm happy, alone or with people... i.e. cat purrs. Robot beepings. Heh. MegaMan puws. Want an example of weird? Last week I made a sandwich out of every condiment in the fridge- cooking wine... chocolate syrup.... ketchup... marachino cherries... dressings, sweet and acidic alike... I added all of these delectables, and then scattered rainbow cooking M&Ms over the collection for good measure, with an egg! I forced down four bites before I had to run to the sink to dry-heave.

This is my day to day experience. Anyone seen the Star Trek where Data has emotions? He goes to the bar, pounds down a drink, says: "I HATE this! This is revolting! Give me another!" That is my experience; it's rather Taoist. Anything that makes you feel... rage, sadness, love... it's joyous. You're alive, express it! If you can find joy beyond the Bio-survival Circuit, we may understand each other.
1:20 PM 
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Sunday, June 14, 2009 

Current mood:  angry
Women too, but men are especially awful at this one-

When they have fucked up, they need to listen, consider what you've said, and say, "You're right.  I was an ass.  I'm sorry that I didn't come through for you, and I'll try to be a better friend."  But almost all of them fuck that one up too.  Very disappointing.
3:43 AM 
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Wednesday, June 03, 2009 
The meaning of the "Tyr" rune-

Tiwaz: (T: Tyr, the sky god.) Honor, justice, leadership and authority. Analysis, rationality. Knowing where one's true strengths lie. Willingness to self-sacrifice. Victory and success in any competition or in legal matters. Tiwaz Reversed or Merkstave: One's energy and creative flow are blocked. Mental paralysis, over-analysis, over-sacrifice, injustice, imbalance. Strife, war, conflict, failure in competition. Dwindling passion, difficulties in communication, and possibly separation.

*laughs*  My lover true.  There's a lot more to him than this, but WOW.
7:53 AM 
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