These past few months have been an everlasting search for some type of inner peace. I started taking yoga classes shortly after my father died. It sounds silly but it's become this sweetly quiet opening of my mind and I'm greatful that I've started to find a sense of relaxation and a way of understanding my life. This is the first time I feel completely independent and alone. I think it's perhaps the only way I could possibly deal with the loss I feel every day. Loss for my dad and loss for a childhood that is drifting further and further away. We all grow up and get older and the one thing I keep focusing on is finding a sense of calm in this complicated, stressful life. I want to free my thoughts of confusion, heartache, and a longing for a fantasy life that may never come to fruition. I want to focus on being ok with myself, with my body, and with my mind. I can't really ask for any more than that.

so may the sun rise bring hope where it once was forgotten.

summer concerts always make me happy.  its like saying hello to old friends.  one of these summers i'll make it to bonnarroo... in the meantime, iron and wine in may & the decemberists and band of horses in june will just have to do.

my dad died yesterday. there are nicer ways to say it of course, but it all means the same thing and it won't change the fact that he's gone. he was 56. and i'm pretty sure he was happy with this life. he had his baby and his wife and he seemed really content that last time i saw him. its weird because you can never know when you'll see someone for the last time, and i'm just thankful i have a good memory. i remember he drove me to the bus stop the day before my brothers left to go back to colorado. we waited for the bus to come, he gave me a hug, and i waved goodbye and left. i had brought over my new guitar and he was showing me how to play the chords - a minor, g, d, c, f and e. it was a really nice time. it felt like we had finally gotten over everything that had been plaguing us from the past. 3 weeks later and he's gone. i guess he had been shoveling snow, came in and collapsed in his office. they couldn't ever revive him. it was quick, and maybe its better that way. maybe its better to not have had any warning, better that he didn't suffer and most likely had no idea it was happening. he looked almost like he was sleeping when i saw him in the hospital. he looked like him, just quieter. i'm really going to miss him. he was a good dad. he always took care of us and was the person i know would have always been there had i really needed him. the person to bail you out of jail or help you pick out your next car. i'm really proud i was his daughter. there is no smarter, harder worker out there. i hope wherever he is, he's finally getting the rest he so fittingly deserves. i hope he's happy and watching his monster movies. i hope he has an unlimited supply of mr. sushi and will finally have the chance to finish building his camaro. i hope he has the best computer to work on and rebuild. and i hope he knows how much we're going to miss him and how much he meant to us, even if we sometimes felt far away. it hurts my heart to even think about what all of this means. to know that i won't ever see my dad again and to know that he really is gone. it feels like that feeling you get before you go on a really terrifying roller coaster. like my stomach is in knots, like something bad is going to happen but already has. its just too hard to believe.

.

..& me gots box tix :) ringin' in the new year in style.

i start a new job on monday &... i'm going to be an aunty!

life is grand, life is grand.

"He thought that in the beauty of the world were hid a secret.  He thought the world's heart beat at some terrible cost and that the world's pain and its beauty moved in relationship of diverging equity and that in this headlong deficit the blood of multitudes might ultimately be exacted for the vision of a single flower"

::yawn::