I don't really know what I'm doing nowadays, but it seems to be going well enough.  Time flies by so fast that I don't even remember what day it is, let alone what I did yesterday.  I can't recall much, but I know there's a lot I need to do.  I don't really know what to expect, so I'm just winging it I suppose.

It took me a long time to realize that you shouldn't just go for the guy that's most convenient or the one that's most available to you.  You shouldn't stick with bad relationships because you're the only one preventing yourself from being happy.  You shouldn't flock to those who are familiar just for comfort, it should be because out of everyone, they're the one's you want to be close to.

And then I realized this applies to friendships too, and I'm realizing that someone who will simply cut me out of their life does not deserve forgiveness--there are too many other people in this world.

Things go up, things go down, things go up.

And they're stuck for the time being, but at least it's up and not, well, you know.

It takes a lot of shit from a lot of people who don't matter to realize just how much my sisters mean to me.  These past few months have been a wake up call, and I will do my best in the future to be there for the people who matter. 

I've been really happy the last couple of days but I'm trying not to let it go to my head.

Go.  Stay.  Be happy.  Hate yourself.  Get a job.  Be a bum.  Whatever. 

Frustration entails.  I don't intend upon staying.  East coast is so tempting.

And it's hard.  It's always hard though (that's what he said...).

Wait, what?

California though, I don't know, that's pretty hard to resist too. 

Might be too fast for mwah.

Quiting is a good thing.  Don't wanna let it go too far.  I could quit today.

Maybe I will.

The variations of moving are like the varieties of underwater basketweaving.

Smashingly frustrating.

I never understood?

The translation of rage from head to canvas doesn't equate in liquidous color.

And the hatred, there's nothing you can do about it.

Or the reality, nothing about that either. 

I don't deny it, why do you?

I'm sorry if at one point I disappear.  I don't plan on staying around forever.  My number will eventually change.  Eventually I will withdraw from these rediculous networks.  Eventually I will be gone from this place. 

Then what will you do?

It's just hit me over the last few days that I'm really wasting my time on all this art bullshit.  On the whole, "dream job" shit too.  I'm disappointed with myself--the fact that I didn't see it sooner.  It's just time to slow down, suck it up, and prepare to be placed in my perfect little cubicle in my perfect little office driving to work in my perfect little car and going home to my perfect little residence and living my perfect little, square existance.

I feel sick.

I really need to think about what it is I'm fighting for. What it is that I feel I need to support above all things. What do I think the number one problem is and how much am I willing to sacrifice in order to find a solution. Because I'm prepared to spread the wealth. I'm prepared to see a problem and take steps toward getting rid of it. Poverty. Death. Abuse. Illiteracy. War. Crime. Abandonment. Disease. Whatever.

There's a certain point where you make more money than you need. I know this is hard to admit and all, or the whole argument, "It depends on how you live…" etc, but you all know that you didn't need that sports car, or that $3000 computer.

People who won't give money to others in need kill me. Who the hell do you think you are? How do you know it's there own fault that they're on the streets? How do you know that when they say they need $3 they aren't actually going to buy food like they say? How do you know they're drunks and not thrown to the streets from a shut down mental institution? And even if this person is on the street because of their own choices, does that mean that it's still okay for them to be living on the street? Are you kidding me?

Yesterday I was pulling up to Meijers when I saw three staties sitting in the parking lot with their lights on. I parked my car in the Tim Horton's parking lot while I finished my cigarette and waited for my friend to get there. This white, 20-something woman came up to my window and I realized she was 8 or so months pregnant. She tells me that she's been walking around for hours and she is from Grand Rapids and she is trying to take the bus back but her boyfriend is in the cops cars and she's 4 days away from being due and she needs to leave on the bus but… she needs some money. I gave her every dollar I had, which was about $8. I felt bad that I couldn't give her more.

And you know what? It was never about the bus, or the boyfriend, or the cops, or the whatever. It was that this person was in need, and the only thing that they felt could help them was money, which I had and was willing to give to someone who needed it. Plus she was pregnant, what the hell was I supposed to say to that?

I was talking to my dad, and I was reluctant to tell this story. My family has a tendency to tell me I'm wasteful or gullible or whatever, but right after I finished my dad said, "Oh, I'm so glad you gave her money. That was very nice." Well, that means my dad has a heart… not so sure about my mom though. I haven't told her nor do I plan on it, for fear of being lectured on my spending habits.

I'm not quite sure what to think anymore, in general.  I don't know what I want to do now, I don't know what I want to do in the future, and sometimes I don't even know what I'm doing now.  I hate everyone and at the same time can't live without them.  Things go up.  Things go down.  Things go up.  The inevitable is inevitable, and what can we do about it? nothing.  So what do we do?  Sit back and let things happen to us, or do we take charge and try to make things happen for us?  And what happens when no matter what we try, no matter how hard and how much effort we put forth, things still never turn out the way we plan.  Things always go flawed at the last moment, or simply never quite catch on just right.  Things seem one way, then they become another.  Everything you believe isn't what you'll always believe.  How can one think the things we think when all thoughts, theories, conclusions are all based on things that are close to true in only the rarest of occasions.  We can try to do what we can when we can but sometimes there's only so much we can do.  I guess I'm just going to keep on trying, because that's the only thing that I know how to do.

I don't know if it's just some feeling of nostalgia that exists.  I'd like to think there is… or was something there rather than just a simple reminder of better days--catching the light just right in my eyes to make them blue, or the dark making my hair look black.  Something other than what it is.  But if this is so, then I do not want to exist in something and nothing places.  How can there be anything though?  There's no knowledge of good and bad, and that's how I've come to think it has to be just a thought, an idea.  I do not want to be a figment that can't change.  Sometimes it's like we coexist in something that both understand, yet can't make the connection of how much it's the same.  I'm fearful of regression and even progression.  I'm scared that either step, whichever it be, will lead to the end.  I know it's not right, yet I fear change because I know that will be the one thing that tears the idea apart.  Because somehow, deep down, I think that maybe I could make something out of nothing, so I wait.  I don't change in hope.  So like ages before and ages hence, hope is the one thing holding me from moving on, yet moving on would be the only thing that can kill this ridiculous idea...

You know how when you see people looking miserable, and the people they are currently with looking horrible, it brings almost a weird satisfaction.  But, in the same sense, when I see two people who look happy, it makes me sick to my stomach.  Then I just tell myself they are probably miserable inside.  And then I almost cry.  I don't, but it's just so unsettling for me to see two people happy.  I don't know if its because I can never be happy, or because I want to be one of them, or if I just simply want everyone to be miserable.  Or something.  It's just so unsettling.  I wish life was simple the way others seem to make it out to be.

Have you ever known someone you were instantly attracted to?  And you had no reason why, but just couldn't shake it for the life of you?  Just something that can't really be named, because you hardly know the person, but you can't help but wish you did.  Some feeling that might last for years, but you know you'll never act upon because you know it's not worth it, if simply only because of bad timing, or situations--just complications.  Something you never ever planned on acting on, just something that you might remember one day when you're 40, and that person might just flash behind your eye lids, and you will remember that silly infatuation so many years ago.

When I get to the point that I'm looking back at my life, I really don't know what I'll see.  Will I regret all these things that passed me by? or by these fateful events, will I be growing closer to the bigger prize behind door number three?  You know what's funny though? That above part can be applied to anyone who reads this, even though it was originally only meant for one, and could possibly be interpreted correctly by two.  But, I highly doubt anyone will get it right all the same.

Sometimes I think I just didn't get life right.  Like I just put the wrong things first.  Like who says you need to go to college, or be a professional something or other.  Who says that relationships can wait.  People can wait.  Some things are more important that others.  But really, when you're dying, who do you envy? After the obvious healthy person, who would you envy in life? The person who's got everything they ever wanted? or the person who got everything they thought they wanted? Everything's just so simple, it's just that I can't comprehend it.

I don't even recognize myself anymore, no wonder no one else does.