I logged on for the first time in ages and got a ton of messages in my Inbox.
Unfortunately they were all offers to increase the size of my tallywacker and/or saucy come-ons from drugged up runaways offering to push their boobs together in front of a small camera mounted on their computer.
This could all be mine for a modest payment of $39.95 a month or something.
Who has that kind of money to spend in this economy?
Here's what you should do:
Grab all your friends, your relatives, hell, even grab that drunk aunt of yours (the one parked in front of Deal or No Deal drinking that cheap Gallo Rose wine out of the biggest bottle Ernest and Julio makes) and shove them in your tiny, fuel efficient Japanese car and head on over to see the Small Stars this weekend in Port Aransas.
If there's a better gig happening in that neck of the woods, no one told me.
The whole gang will be there: Buddy Llamas, Richard Steele, Godfrey McCambridge, Brick Masterson and maybe even Red Rojas(he's had visa problems). It'll be just like the end of the Wizard of Oz.
Only better.
GuY

Wow. 9 people looked at this blog last week!
Who were those 9 people?
They must be as lonely as me.
Guess what friends......? ???????
The Small Stars are back!
OK, it's just one show.
But still........
We're playing the Back Porch Bar in Port Aransas on June 14th.
or as I like to call it......
FEAR AND LOATHING IN PORT ARANSAS.
I'll see you all there.
GUY

They say 50 is the new 40.
http://ezinearticles.com/?If-50-is-the-New-40---Then-30-is-the-New-20&id=139140
Huh?
It reminds me of the Alpo commercials with Lorne Greene where he would pet a dog and say "This little feller is 7. That's 49 to you and me."
No, Lorne it isn't.
The earth doesn't spin faster for dogs.
The dog was born 7 years ago, the dog is 7.
Case closed.
I'll tell you what is true:
50 is the new 20.
What I mean by this is that 50 bucks buys you what 20 bucks would 20 years ago.
It's hard to get out of a restaurant without blowing at least 50 smackers at dinner.
(Unless that restaurant is the Olive Garden).
And when did coffee get so expensive?
It's just coffee!
Every time I stop at the Starbucks, it's $3 or $4 but then they give you change, and change just ends up on the floorboard of my car or deep in my pocket and then I have so much change and keys and crap in my pocket I weigh an extra ten pounds.
O.K.
I just had to get that off my chest.
GuY

I am in a band (Fastball) that had a big hit song almost 10 years ago (but who's counting?)
VH1 picked this tune as one of the 100 Greatest Songs of the 90's.
I was thrilled by this news until I realized that the song "Rico Suave" was on there.
"Rico Suave"???!!!!!!!!!
That song is like a fucking Aftershave commercial.
Who made this list?
Does anyone remember this song?
If you do I bet you're sorry you do.
The other hideous oversight was not including the Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony".
To me that song should be on the top of the list.
They did have "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Wonderwall" and "Nothing Compares 2 U." so we're in good company.
VH1 was too cheap to pay for a hotel room, but I guess since my last name ain't Madonna, I shouldn't complain.
They did send a limo and it had little candies in it and a few magazines laying around.
I got dropped off at VH1 and after a brief visit to the make up lady, we got started.
They interviewed us for an hour and a half but I'm sure it wont be longer than 3 minutes when it's edited down.
Let the wagering begin........
What number do you think the Way will end up on Vh1's top 100 songs of the 90's?
Hmmmmmm?
GuY

Ah Palm Springs.
A balmy 118 degrees.
Perfect weather, really.
If you're indoors with the AC cranked.
Or floating on your back in a swimming pool with a cold beer in your hand.
I opted for both.
Later I took a walk around and bumped into Bono.
No, not that Bono.
Sonny Bono, the late mayor of Palm Springs.
It was actually a statue, but it was pretty life-like.
He looked like he wanted to sell me a car.
He was sitting down.
Strange.
It did make me think I should run for mayor.
How hard could it be?
GuY

I'm embarrassed to admit I've gone to places just because they were in a song I liked.
I never would've stayed at Club Med if the Beastie Boys hadn't rapped about it in Shake Your Rump.
(Club Med sucked by the way, but then again I'm not Mike D. and it was in Australia.)
At least I'm not alone. I know for a fact that the Clash came and played my hometown just because Marty Robbins sang about in Streets of Laredo.
So it was with some serendipity that "In God's Country" came on the I-pod just as I was driving past Joshua Tree National Park.
I thought about pulling in.
That album cover has been tattooed on the back of my mind and I figured I'd wander around in the 118 degree heat and try to find the spot U2 stood on more than 20 years ago.
The moment passed. There was no obvious, exit for the park and I'm pretty sure those guys took that photo in the wintertime.
"Mama Said Knock You Out" came on next and I forgot all about U2 and instead stopped at some museum honoring General Patton.
It seemed appropriate.
It was the 4th of July and there was a statue of Patton out in the middle of the desert.
I snapped a few pictures and then jumped back in the car.
118 degrees is 118 degrees and it doesn't matter how dry the heat is.
I rolled on to Palm Springs but someday I'm going to visit Joshua Tree.
Those songs are just too good.
GuY

I've written about 1-10 before and I'd like to sing it's praises once again.
1-10 in West Texas is a glorious thing.
80 miles per hour and nobody on the damn thing.
Get the radio on, put the pedal down and go.
It's a Bruce Springsteen song waiting to happen.
Once you get to El Paso, the dreams comes crashing down.
The air gets hazy, the road gets congested and basically stays pretty crummy the rest of the way to California.
The temperature soars past 110.
I thought Texas summers were hot but you haven't felt hot till you've been in the blast furnace that is Tucson in the summer.
How do people survive out here?
I think you need to be part lizard.
Next stop Palm Springs. . .
GuY

So I wrote about Paris Hilton and I got more comments and views than ever before.
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! Dawn over the Pacific.
She sells papers. She brings people to your blog.
People don't write about her because they want to.
They write about her because she makes money.
It's like some evil feedback loop.
They print it.
We read it.
They print it.
We read it.
Luckily for me, I can't make money off this blog so I can now ignore her presence.
Unless I get lazy..............................
As far as dart boards go, it doesn't get any better.
STOP!
SNAP OUT OF IT GUY!
By the way, I just saw Star Wars again (I haven't seen it in years) and I was riveted.
I meant to take a shower and change my guitar strings and call my mom but dammit,
it was the scene where Luke is just learning to use the force.
Star Wars, like Casa Blanca, is a perfect film.
It's perfectly paced, there's something every few minutes that escalates the tension and keeps the movie moving.
I ended up going to the show smelling like a goat and looking like a castaway.
God Bless you George Lucas.
GuY

I was watching BravoTV and was horrified to find that Paula Abdul had her own show.
Paula Abdul?
If I had to describe what Paula Abdul does for a living I would say it's the same thing I do most evenings:
Get drunk and then say flattering things.
Why does American TV have to be such a wasteland?
I remember being in France and having to choose between a documentary on Miles Davis on one channel and a live Nirvana concert on the other.
Back in the Good Old US of A we are obsessed with fame and anyone that is famous. The less talented the better.
Why?
Because it makes us feel like we could be famous too.
If the people on these shows were really talented that would just spoil it.
Why, you ask?
Well, I'll tell you:
Not just anybody can win the Tour de France six times in a row or write "Smells Like Teen Spirit" but almost anybody can sit and judge a bunch of people singing. (it helps if you're drunk).
The American Dream used to be, "It can happen to you if you work had enough."
Somehow, at the turn of the Century, it lost that last part and now it's just
"It can happen to you."
Just look at Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, The Girls Next Door, etc.
They don't do anything.
Paula Abdul used to be a choreographer and a singer but now she doesn't do much at all and she's bigger than ever.
By the way, I liked the Paula Abdul show the first time I saw it.
When it was called the Anna Nicole Smith show.
GuY

What is the fascination with Paris Hilton?
She's a Rich Girl and she's gone too far and you know it don't matter anyway.
Seriously, can't we read about something else?
Anything.
Please?

She's in jail.
She's out of jail.
Strangely enough her facial expression never changes.
She must be smoking some really good shit.
People used to be famous for something they did.
Paris is famous for being Paris.
How Buddhist.
Since her fame isn't dependent on her achievments, we may be stuck with her forever.
Pass the anesthesia.
GuY