I saw a commercial for the love Guru yesterday, the new mike myers
film. "So what?" you say, "they play those all the time, and they
suck." And to this statement I'd have to agree.

But not this time. This time, mike myers said cuntface, not once, but
twice! The joke was that he was saying can't face with a silly accent.
Not a great joke, but we all know that its more awesome than funny, just like
with, "asssphinctersayswhat?"

The usually benign genius of mike myer's struck again, and during a
time of heavy fcc regulation of all broadcast media, he brought the
word "cuntface" to mainstream television. I Thank you mike myers, and
my american soul that hates cuntfaces who censor words but finance
violence all over the world thank you for making what appears to be a
horrible movie based around silly accents and midget violence contain
and advertise the word "cuntface." I will now be going to see this
piece of shit, just so that mike myers can recieve my 8 dollars of
thanks for getting "cuntface" on the airwaves.

for your consideration: Why does it take a canadian to show americans how to get around our own stupid censorship guidelines?

(and yes i know it could have been an american writer or actor on the movie that came up with that line, but mike myers says it, so i'm gonna assume he thought it up)

Sex and the city movie: The greatest thing to happen to mysoginists since "daddy issues" first hit the scene.

Hey guys out there on the internet!

Are you lonely and looking for the company of a nice woman?

Or at the very least, sexual interaction with a shitty one?

Well all you have to do is find a woman who totally buys into the bullshit that was written by a man, called "Sex and the city."

Ya see, this show and now movie, was based off a book written by a woman about her trials and tribulations being a single woman working and living in New York City. And then, like with everything women have done, a gay man coveted and bought the rights to it, and queer eyed it into a tv show!

The show and movie focus on 4 women who are like totally different than each other! But they share their love of shoes, shopping and fucking because they are liberated and intelligent...

And boy oh boy are they intelligent. They work for really big companies, and have totally important jobs! One of them is even a writer, and as we know, all writers are totally smart, just take a peak in any tv guide if you don't believe me.

The characters follow in the great tradition of some of the best thinkers the world has ever known.

I believe it was socrates who first said, "I'll die for the truth...or a new pair of italian slingbacks!"

And unless my memory serves me wrong, it was Hume that said, "The human condition is one of great sorrow, especially when dealing with men, who are pretty much the same as dogs, you gotta train them to behave, or else they'll just keep trying to hump your leg!"

You see, a lot of people would say that women should settle down, and marry some nice man and raise a family, but who wants to do be loved and be important to people you love when you can totally live in the city and fuck strangers all the time!!

But seriously, this empty, stupid and shallow show, now movie, about four old loose broads does nothing more than to prove the old saying, "Women are like dog shit. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up."

So as some of you know, I had an awesome thursday this past week. All sorts of awesome things happened for me.

Starting early in the morning, I went down to the WYSP studios in center city and got to compete for an opening spot on the traveling virus. I told my jokes live on the air. I had a good set and advanced as a finalist. The final four were, Geno Bisconte, Ed Mcgonigal, Danny Ozark, and me. Ed won, and rightly so, he was hysterical. Geno and Danny were awesome also. And this whole thing was awesome. I've been listening to O&A since I was 17 and they first came to philly in the afternoons. Back when people would call in just to tell them that they suck, and they need to play some music. And to get to stand there live on the air and tell jokes, and then to have those jokes crack them up, well that was just awesome. When i listened back to it later, I even heard Anthony say, "Yes!" in response to my aids in 3rd world countries joke. It was just an awesome experience.

And then as if this wasn't enough, Kidd Chris was recapping the morning's events on his show that afternoon, and I was mentioned a couple times on the air, and then asked to call in. When I called in Chris said that they thought i was really funny, and that they'd love to have me in studio, and that they've helped out other comedians the same way. This was awesome. Then, off the air, I gave my contact info to the producer, and he said that they will be in touch with me soon. So that's awesome too.

AND THEN, Me and Ozark went and taped three episodes of channel chaos with Ed, Dirty Diamond, and Sleazy E. Those guys are cool, and that show is funny. Check it out if you haven't already, at www.channelchaos.com. You won't be dissapointed. (Side note: Any episode with mackhouse is solid gold)

So now I sit here at work, feeling as awesome about myself as I possibly can. Hopefully everything keeps going well, and maybe I'll be on stage someday in front of a crowd that came to see me tell my dumb jokes and stupid stories. Or maybe i'll get in a fiery car crash involving two tractor-trailers. Who knows?

Rock on,

- Brendan

I live in a small building, with approximately 10 apartments.  The driveway goes up the left side of the building and there is a row of parking spots behind the building. No barns, no stables, no chicken coups, yet, there was a chicken. A stupid looking dark grey chicken with no business to be in my parking lot. I first met this young fowl early one misty morning in late may. It was 5am, I was leaving to go to work. I open the door from my apartment and there staring back at me with the stupidest blankest look I've ever seen is a chicken. Now its 5 in the morning, i'm barely awake, I start to question the existence of the chicken. Is this thing real? Is it really a chicken? Maybe its just a rooster that's in touch with his female side, I don't know, that's really none of my business. But what was my business was getting to work, and not having to tell my boss that i was late because I was afraid that a chicken who lives in my parking lot was going to peck my eyes out.

I summoned the courage to pass this goofy looking bird and go to my car. I walked past the chicken giving it the cold shoulder so that it would know that I was not interested in whatever it was selling. And as i turned from it, i heard its little footsteps speed up towards me. So i stopped and turned, and just like the ghosts in super mario bros. 3 he stopped dead in his track, cocked his head to the side and said, "caaaw?"

And i said, "No caaaw! You leave me alone chicken! Ya jerk! Walking around in a parking lot at 5am, what kind of chicken are you? Do you even know where your kids are! You're crazy, you're crazy!"

I turned and began to depart from the chicken's presence, and once again i heard his hurried steps behind me. So quickly i made my way into my car, and locked the door. I turned the key and sped out of there quickly. This was a dangerous situation what with the bird flu and aids and all that in the world.

I encountered this pushy chicken a few times over the next two weeks, because he stayed in the parking lot next to the dumpster because my idiot neighbor put food out for it. But then one fateful night a massive and powerful storm struck quiet glenside, and with the force of a thousand garden hoses, this chicken was washed away like the garbage that he was!

Less you think me heartless, I do feel remorse that I didn't throw that chicken a rope when i saw him struggling against the current. But I sleep easy thinking about how he probably made a fine meal for some feral cat, or large sewer rat. He was my foe, but he was also...my fowl.

Dear Fake muslims,

   Stop trying to sell pies in the middle of broad street. That's weird, and nobody wants a pie that's been warming in the sun in your hand all day. Also, buy some pants that fit. This isnt southeast asia, we aren't going to get hit with a suprise tsunami anytime soon.

Sincerely,

You're a bunch of racist jerks

p.s. – bowties are for weathermen.

"I realized racism isn't just a black and white problem. It's brought bloodbaths to about every nation on earth at one time or another."

- Malcolm X, 1965

from an interview with Gordon Parks