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The very funny... Will Woodruff



Last Updated: 11/19/2009

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Status: Single
City: Salem
State: Oregon
Country: US
Signup Date: 8/24/2005

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Friday, March 20, 2009 

Category: Music







A comic that I work with is into kids... little ones, not just 18ish year olds that we bump into on the road. I will save his name to protect his identity, I will just call him Joe F. hmmmm I guess that could be a bit less sketchy... how about J. Fontenot... or even Joe Fondletot, just so we know that this guys identiy is safe... because he is a raging chimo, he just hangs out in my van for the fuck of it, and asks to be called "his majesty" when we are talking to him... he does however always have jolly ranchers... a big plus! If you don't think this J. Fontnot is a real guy just google him, where in which you will find that before becoming a comic he pitched in the majors for the florida Marlins. and now he pitches jokes to adults and tootsie rolls to unsuspecting children. PS thanks Dennis for the joke that I flagrently stole from you and used in my blog, I owe ya one buddy... we both know I will never get square with you, but hey at least I can pretend to give a shit! (yay)

Something happened last week that is so shocking that it rocked the very foundation of my life and changed the world as I see it FOR GOOD! Something so shocking it actually got my lazy ass to blog!

To set the stage for what the shit is going on I take you back to the year 1998, Summer is in full swing, Joe Fontnot is losing is 7th game as a starter and is run out of the bigs forever... As this is happening, I hear a new song on the radio, from a band I have never heard before... Which is ultra fucking rare to begin with!

So I spring into action and do what I do best, I stalk the song and band on the internet... ok I get a few mailing adresses and a phone number to boot...
That is really not part of my story, just something that keeps me warm at night. The point is the band is called Barenaked Ladies, and they will hold the spot as my favorite band until... well until forever probably!

I buy all their stuff I wait patiently for all their new albums, I see them live, the first concert I have ever been to that didn't feature a high school brass ensemble.... but I digress...whatever that means, they were a team and nothing could separate them... or so I thought
you thought wrong fatty! HAAHHAHAHAAHHAHAH... this is no laughing matter other personality, I don't need you fucking this up right now!

Then on the internet like nothing happened I read on the official BNL website that Steve Page has left the band...


Que the demons and suffering, as we (me and my other personality) are about to destroy this hell  you call earth to make way for SUPER UBER MEGA BAD SUCKY UNFUN NOT HAPPYTIMES HELL!!!1 OF DOOM!
May all that remains for you hellspawn that made him leave suffer a fate of bad teeth and internet arguements for all of time, may you be forced to a fate worse than a 3rd Bush term
May all things in this world that you love shit in your grapenuts and may all things that you hate in this world merge together into the most terrifying hentai inspired 394209384 dicked tenticle rape demon swoop down upon you and convert you from a proud and strong man... into a whining sack of anal devistation; and shame! further more may what you call going to the bathroom be called "taking a blood and semen" and not taking a shit.... what I am saying is I love steve page and you people are fucking my world up and I will  HAVE MY JUISTICE!!and if, if, IF, anyone suggests that this is his doing and not the work of the conspiricy to fuck my life up I will also shit in your grapenuts... since you probably wont notice...tbh

So to Steve, I don't know what those bad people told you, but please just one MORE ALBUM, just at least a heads up and call it a game, thats fine all good things come to and end... except the watchmen movie... holy shit that fucker was long... back to the point, just let us know it's time to leave... don't go! and if you heedith my call not... well then this earth and the people who inhabit it shall suffer muhahaahahahahahahahahaha...

I can't actually do anything about it, but a BNL album without you is punishment enough, this fragile world does NOT deserve that.

Hi, my sweet advanced reader, I did a show in seelah washington at carmens comedy club... really sweet gig, a long drive and all but not bad all things considered... oh and
ee are so gonna steal Carmens cat, it's this little fucker named Bandit she is cute and fuzzy and Joe loves her, and when the Lady that runs this pretty damn cool comedy club least expects it... BAM! We jet out of Selah Washington... home of the treetop apple fields, heavy one bandit... ITS GONNA HAPPEN BABY!!, and bandit gets to travel 300 miles without being in a backpack... long story... like this tangent... Joe gets a cat, I get to steal, and Ron gets to sleep the whole damn trip... everyone wins! Oh, and to the people that cant see this , this should fuck them(the petty non advanced reader) up nicely , it pays to pay attention!

Carmens Comedy Club... RANDOM!

I did a show there, it was fun!

So I was talking about this to the gamble, and he gave me some wise insight; I told him, that I was going to have to buy new BNL albums in the future and new Steve Page albums in the future and that was going to be double what I normally spend on music, and he said, "no you are just going to have to download new BNL and Steve Page albums"... That dude is wise beyond his years!

on that note I am now 29 of those year things... and boy are my knees reminding me of that, anyone who wants to trade knees, leeme know!

COME BACK STEVE! without you the are just a really good BNL cover band!

Will

PS Joe isn't actually a pedobear, I just told him that if he kept hassling me about putting out a new blog I was going to tell everyone that he was into kids... I can only hope I don't get beaten with a backward baseball hat for my actions!

The brave one...

Will













Currently listening:
The Vanity Project
By The Vanity Project
Release date: 2005-06-21
1:11 PM 
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Thursday, August 14, 2008 
Real quick...

WHAT THE FUCK MYSPACE!!!!!?!?!?!?!1111one eleven

I am not 193cm tall, I am 6'4" while I may also be the forer, I am most definatly the latter, FUCK THAT IS FRUSTRATING, I am not your little metric Guinea Pig (and no I will not be going in Toms anus!) !

WE LIVE IN AMURCA DAMMIT! we don't do metric because a 500 centimeter penis doesn't sound all that scary!(even though in reality it would be close to my exsisting thunder cock!)
If you can read this you are catching on GOLD STAR FOR  YOU!
ummm so yeah this is total and complete bullshit, you had better be able to fix that or I am going to start shitting kittens! I refuse to be metric this is not a canadian site, take my land, kick my from my home(see: Moms basement) but the fuck I am going to give up my Standard mesurements in favor of you candy ass metric system! I would rather spend eternity in new jersey than be a god foresaken metric sellout!
I was 6'4" even when I was in canada!
I am sooooo fucking angry I am not even going to spell check this shit!

OK MYSPACE... 3 things need to happen here
I hate metric MORE than I hate BUSH!
1. Ignore the fact that my threat/ultimato is in purpleishpinkish color! Dear advanced reader, I know Ultimato is not a word, but it is funny sounding, it is also called by my local friends a "travisism"
B. Fix my damn height or this will not end well for either of us! so help me god, I will find another way to stalk people if you do not fix this BLASPHEMY!
like Craigsvan.com, or digitalicreamtruck.com
III. did I mention SHITTING KITTENS?? I don't know what poop smearing retard said you could just up and change this, and if it was that Tom fuck stick assshitballcocker...  ass ass... (breathe Will) I will kick his 50 kelogram(pretty sure I spelt that wronge) ass!  I know it's kilogram just between my advanced readers and me... or  I
I demand that if nothing else you have to get WRITTEN consent before you fuck my e-life up! I mean shit 2 girls 1 cup Tells you you are about to be fucked with before you view... sorta Or convert a sock into a sperm graveyard in my case... But I beat off to kittens being tossed into wood chippers, remember
Jesus ass ballfucking metric system, I, will, see; you... in hell! With the portland comedy myspace page

Myspace, turn from me, for I know you not!
Oh and it should be Hooker Chipper just so the name would be more accurate
Will
Currently listening:
The Light of Things Hoped
By Brave Saint Saturn
Release date: 2003-03-25
8:00 PM 
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Tuesday, August 12, 2008 

Current mood:  focused
Category: Life

Hello Bloggists It is time for another installment of the "Will has a day off blog" please notice the infrequency of my blogitude.



So I guess I should catch yalls up on what has been up. I still make pizza, I still tell jokes, I still rarely get paid, and I still toss kittens into wood chippers while masturbating... so really not a lot has changed. So let's look at this one peice at a time shall ve.

the store that I spend the mayority of my time at is the Dominos in Dallas(yeeeee hawww) Oregon, which despite my jokes is a really nice place, sadly I would make more working as an assistant manager at... well anywhere. So I  elect to be poor so I can play life 1.0 in easy mode... wow I am actually a bigger pussy than I first thought! So little has changed, I am still poor as all get out, and I still don't really mind.

On the Joke front, I was just in another competition, and I was the first one eliminated, to be honest and fair though, I put up a good fight, I just got beat by a better comic, HOWEVER I feel I would have beaten about 70% of the other people in that contest, and there was not a single scrub in it, I can take pride in knowing that the dude that beat me, was beaten in the semi finals. And he has the AIDS... Anus infesting, make you turn purple and die AIDS... of  doom

Sadly on the comedy front I am as of this week not going to open mics except on rare occasions, for at least 6 months. I will still be open to shows that no one will book me for, but I am not going to mic much anymore, and it has nothing to do with comedy or comics, as I love both, it has everything to do with me getting my shit together. I have a lot of things that I need to get finished, and or started, and I just havn't involved myself in them, or have been falling behind on studies that I need to be doing. Also I ran the numbers, I was blowing close to 100 dollars a week to go to mics... Umm that is around 400 dollars a month... that is more expensive than all the memberships to porn sites I have, combined with my rhapsody membership and my weekly visit to my dominatrix COMBINED! Open mic comedy is not jokingly, the most expensive vice I have! I need as a comic to focus on being funny, and not rehashing the same new and or old jokes 1200 times, I know my shit is funny, I need to work on bringing my jokes and stories together, and not retooling jokes that I know already work. I can't do that with 5-7 minutes of stage time 3 or 4 times a week, I need to find a way to do more, and find a way to make them pay me.
Hopefully when I come out of this hiatus I will be much MUCH funnier... and not as fucking broke.

On a side life kinda note, I have been seeing the same girl for... crap 6ish months?! wow once I get moved outta my moms basement I may have to turn in my loser card(see: USCF membership)  :(
I have a couple rules for women and she has met them, and I love that fact.

1. If a girl can't contest a layup keep looking

2. If she can use the words "x86 platform" in a sentence hit her over the head with a club and drag her back to your cave, or at least try not to drool when talking to her/asking her to fix your computer.

3. If she is willing to put up with your bullshit, and not call the cops and or national guard(like so many other women, Im I right guys??!) you may have found a winner.

Anyway that is my update for the however long it's been, and thanks for readin!

TTFN

Will
Currently listening:
The Vanity Project
Release date: 2005-06-21
2:17 PM 
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Monday, February 25, 2008 

Category: Blogging
OK hi,

Lotta shit going on this last week, Firstly, let me get my unpaid unsolicited recomendations out of the way...

Buy stock in COAL COMPANIES... I hope this blends into the background of my blog, since I know it does I guess this is as good a time as any to type in that, that was most definatly not a cold sore and I can only hope you give my little gift to every guy whos dick you suck in the future, and you know who you are!

The Bridgetown Comedy Festival is coming up shortly(March 6th, 7th, and 8th... for those of you playing the home game), everyone who likes comedy, or needs something to do... or wants to donate to the oregon red cross and have something to show for it, should get tickets to see some great comedy!

(This really is unsolicited... as the fuckers didn't ask me to come down for the festival, but Will holdeth a grudge not!)
may Andy Wood burn in hell with the portland comedy myspace page
Ok and for those of you who are perceptive, and saw it on my profile page, I did finally get a chance to play Harvey's comedy club!

So if you are not doing anything on say March 12th,13th,14th,15th or even the 16th come see me with Dax Jordan and Rob Little(whos myspace I don't stalk like Daxes[how do make the name Dax take ownership... I think Daxes is right])  I will be Emmcee so you will problably only get to see 10 minutes of me... but that seems to be all people can stand anyway so it's a good fit... just like that gerbil DON'T JUDGE!

Kyle Harbert has AIDS!!!, he got them from sex with chimps

Ok sooo with all that said, I think it is about time for me to say goodnight and thanks for reading my bloggery!


Will

PS   I will have my day Portland Comedy, I WILL HAVE MY DAY!!!! And more importantly My mom has herpes not AIDS, so if you got the AIDS it was from Kyle(yes I am implying that Kyle Harbert had sex... even if it was just with a myspace page), and I told you countless times Kyle doesn't "wrap the present" before he delivers it.

PPS I think you add P's to PS not S's its post script, and post post script not post script script... okthanks
2:27 AM 
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Saturday, February 09, 2008 

Current mood:  adventurous
Category: Life
I lived!!!

Ok for those of you who don't know I was in the Shades of Laughs Comedy competition last week. I saw a glipse of the big time as I played such places as Yakama, Bremerton, and Corvallis!

Corvallis jokes aside, it was damn fun and I learned a lot, such as Every comic smokes a metric fuck ton of weed. Or that the moon is filled with LSD.

Or that Andy Wood doesn't realize how amazingly stupid the average person actually is(Relax readers of this blog are of course not average... nor are you people you are something far more cool and fluffy... like Kirby, or possibly a Pokemon).
I think we give too much credit to average, this is why I really feel you should have your stupid rating tattoed on your forehead. That way you can tell things about people, such as weather or not they will do stupid shit, like drink motor oil, or vote Republican. I have a long rant about average, but now is not the place for it... since my words are green... and eco friendly, thus I should conserve them for the right time.

The competition was the order of the day, since competition has the word "tit" in it!
Speaking of tits the 2 women in the ...tition got to the finals... so maybe there was some bias toward titted individuals... which is possible as Ron Funches placed third in my heat also getting to the finals... Hmmmm

Ok soo if you were wondering, NO I didn't get to the finals, NOR am I yo' Baby Daddy! But I would lose several times over, to get the chance to learn as much as I did last week. I think what I took away from this, aside from the towels at my hotel, was that I have progressed a lot in this year, and I think I can be a top level comic, I also learned that I have a lot to learn, and I have to find a way to be humble and listen to those who will help me.

Ok so moving past the sappy shit...

Tonight At the Coffee House Cafe in Salem!

I will be telling horse fucker jokes and making fun of myself, and other people, if you feel you would like to be there, sweet, I would like to tell you jokes!
there is no cover, but donations are accepted, unlike at the lucky fortune, where they charged cover 45 minutes into the show.(another rant for another day)

As I get booked or talk my way into getting onto a stage, I will let yall know!

BY THE BY, if any of you facebook, I am looking for people that will be my minions in the "knighthood" game so if you facebook, look me up and serve me!!!!

Thanks again for taking the time to read mah little bloggery, and see you when I see you!


Will (the hero of the story, albeit a crappy one)

Currently listening:
Stop & Stare
By Onerepublic
Release date: 04 March, 2008
2:19 PM 
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Thursday, November 29, 2007 

Current mood:  excited
Category: Blogging

Ok, I need everyones help this week!

I have 2 shows... and another on the 21st and I absitivly posilutly need ANYONE who can come out and support these shows!

Ok, so the first one is over at Harvey's where in which I will be on TV for the first time since that whole "hittin' my bitch" incident... not my fault I caught her without her damn veil on! if you can be there, your laugh will be on TV!! granted it will be during other peoples sets, since I am about as funny as finding a lump. However they also have fantastic... umm brick wall backdrops there, so come down its free, and I need all the help I can get!

Harveys show particulate... see below

Time: 8:30 in the PM

Day: Sunday December 2nd

Cover:NONE!

Address: 436 NW 6th and Glisan, Portland, OR 97209

For those of you playing the home game that is right across from the Greyhound station. And if you don't know where the greyhound station is... you probably don't like my style of comedy anyway!

Sexondly,(he he he, snort)

 

I will be down at the coffee house cafe, on saturday the 8th with Ron Funches, and other assorted tasty comics(as in I have no idea who is in the show, but I will be there... so you should be there!)

Coffee house Cafe in-fo...shizzle

Date:December: 8th

Tiem: 7:3o PM

Cover:NONE!

Address: 145 Liberty Street, Salem Oregon

So come down both are free, and both are gonna be good stuff, and the more people show up, the less naked I have to get, so everyone wins, especially the hippies down in Salem!

 

ok so, come down and see my show, and I will be offering hugs, and other homoerotica.

 

TTFN(also homo erotic)

 

Will

Currently listening:
The Light of Things Hoped For
By Brave Saint Saturn
Release date: 25 March, 2003
10:01 AM 
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Sunday, November 11, 2007 

Category: Blogging

ok, so today was fun!

Today I had a guest spot at the coffee house cafe, I had a really good set, but lets be honest it was me, and i'm the fucking man. I got to share a stage with the always funny Ron Funches, the loveable(not in the butt)Scott Von Wald, Good ol' reliable Nathan Brennan, and the one and only Richard Bain. Man that's a lotta comics, and man it was a lotta funny. Hopefully there will be more comedy in Salem in the near future.

 

Oh, my next comedy show will be in portland on December 21st I think it is at the BAGDAD(thanks mister funches) theature, but I will need to get all the details. It is the class of 2007 graduation, and I am going to be in it to win it, and if I don't... well it won't be the first time I didn't graduate!

I saw a lot of my friends in the last few days old and new, and I honestly feel a lot better than I have in a while. Good comedy, and good times, do a happy me make... yay.

Moving on. (colors of the school I didn't graduate from, just so you know)

 

I am almost completely unplugged from the intarweb, and I am getting a lot of real life shit done because of it, however it sucks because I miss all of my e-homies, so maybe one day I can strike a balance. Till then I play almost no video games, and even less looking at porn :(

well it's time to get wet and naked, so I will bid you all fairwell. thanks for stopping by and reading!

 

 

Tootles

Will

7:03 AM 
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Thursday, July 12, 2007 

Current mood:  awake
so we did this video a few years back, and leave it to trento to put it up and make me show it to everyone... you you think it sucks its because of john... I'm the fucking shit!


Check out this video: [FFT] clans Million res nodes!



Add to My Profile | More Videos
9:06 AM 
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Thursday, April 26, 2007 

Current mood:  thoughtful
Category: Life
so last night I was eliminated from the Stephen Colb... however the fuck you spell his name, comedy competition. and all I can say is...

BULLSHIT!!! THERE WAS A FUCKING JUDGE ON THE GRASSY KNOLL!


Ok sooo if they took the best of both nights, I would still be alive, but they took the two and averaged them, which sucked ass and was racist. so insted of being in the middle of the pack with my set tonight... I was in the fucking fish tank.
No sweat though, I have needed to get hammered and contemplate suicide for some time now, so really it is more of a market correction.

On the upside a lot of local comics told me what I need to improve on, and what I am doing right, the down side of course, is that I am doing stuff right and wrong by nature... and I am not entirely sure how to fixify it, yet anyway.

To be perfectly honest, it is good to see that people are willing to tell me to my face what I am doing wrong. I really really REALLY need that, I am 27 I don't have time to waste with hurt feelers, since comedy is what I want to do for the rest of my life, I need to be making moves NOW.

This is not really for my readers as much as I am fucking plastered... and YES I DROVE HOME MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. and I need to write what I feel so I don't forget(Good Game ADD)

Sooooo I guess it goes like this, I need to write some jokes, and I need to play some NS, and I am going to do both right now.

Thanks for your time, oh and by the way I am just shy of 1000 blog views... is that good?

TTFN

Will
Currently listening:
Barenaked Ladies Are Men
By Barenaked Ladies
Release date: 06 February, 2007
8:58 AM 
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Saturday, March 24, 2007 

Current mood:  bored
Category: Blogging

After a long layoff, Will is blogging again! This means one thing... No more overtime! :(



    So yeah, it is once again blog time, and I have a lot to talk about(or aboot for my canadian readers)

First off I am now an old man of 27... yay its sad that I am almost 30 and I work at Dominos, but at least im not pushing rock to kids anymore.

Secondly, to the comics in portland, I have not abandoned you! I am retooling and writing new jokes... oh that and the piece of shit car I bought needs about 2000 bucks worth of fixes... feel free to send Anthrax to "just a good car lot" in salem... they could use more metal music up in there. But until I get my car fixifed I am unable to hit the open mics up in p-town

So yeah I did make it up to Beaverton to go to Comedy Club Westside. Richard Bain and Keith Wallen were telling jokes... they are funny, and Gabe Dinger was there and apparently his wisdom teeth were pulled... which explains a lot(insert lack of wisdom joke here).  Keith Wallen was very good, and Richard Bain... well if I were REALLY REALLY drunk I would ride the bain train. I also saw Josh Lay with Sean Rouse the week(or two... they blend together tbh) previous... to be honest I think Josh was better than Rouse, maybe I am just biased.

Ok now I present a A DAY IN THE LIFE OF WILL(a Dominos manager)!1!11

Part 1:

Training the crew

Ok I have a crew member at my store who makes probably the fastest pizzas of anyone I have ever seen. this kid can make a (sellable pepperoni) pizza in 25 seconds. and I feel that it was from my guidance that took him to the level he is at, I feel that it is all about how I enlightened this impressionable young man, that got him to the top of the game!

I really truly feel that without the things(see also: Blow, Coke,cocaine, the white devil) that I provide for this kid, he would still be putting out 1 minute 9 second pizzas.

Just a hunch.


Part 2:

Supply and Demand

I have always been a firm believer in the idea of keeping all your dealings in house, I feel that if people want your money... they had better be your friend, otherwise they are not getting a cent from me. So I always get whatever products I need to properly run a store, in house, I don't go to other people for, dough, cheese, or sauce, so anything I can get locally I do... especially the pure uncut columbian!



(just so you know I can quit coke jokes whenever I want... I just dont want to ok... MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!)

Part 3

Its all about treating the customer RIGHT!

I feel that every pizza should send the right message to our customers, somthing that shows that we are thinking of them when we make a pizza. I have since I started in this game have felt that its not good enough to just make pizza, you have to make sure they remember you!



I doubt the motherfucker that got that pizza will EVER forget it!

Part 4:

Respect your team, and they will respect you

I also have an ongoing love affair with every member of my team and I always go out of my way to show them that I care, my driver john is no exception, I made him a batch of cinnamon rolls, and added some TLC just before I rolled them and we dined on them.


I don't know why the guy wasn't more excited about his free cinnamon rolls :-/, but what can you do eh'

Part 5

In a nutsack

Pretty much my typical day involves getting to work(a task in its own right), finding out what is fucked off for the day, and devise a way to fix it. Then once I have unfuckered the work of my fellow managers(that they unfuckered of mine... its a vicious circle!), I prep for a more and more dissapointing rush, then I close, but the heart of my day is making cocaine jokes, aaannnnnnnddd ribbing,heckling,demeaning,terrifying,tormenting,bossing around, wishing death upon(from AIDS no less), and verbally harrassing, and assaulting my crew(AKA the fun part about being the boss). Then when the rush is over, and the coke wears off, I send them home, and tell them what a wonderful job they did, in a sad and woefully inept attempt at keeping them happy enough to not RIOT come pay day.

And thats about it, rinse and repeat ohhhh 220 times thus far. Relax though in that ammount of time, I average a day off a week... sadly between Corey working 2 jobs, and Kat working and going to school... I probably have the least right to bitch.... like thats gonna stop me, IM A WARRIOR DAMMIT!

Well thanks for reading I may get another one out soonish.

TTFN

Will(A FUCKING WARRIOR!)
11:41 AM 
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