I don't know if you've noticed, but Halloween candy is 75% off this week.

I went to Target and bought like nine bags to give out to trick-or-treaters next Halloween.

Sure, most of the neighborhood kids will probably get sick, but it's not like anyone will be able to tell exactly which house gave out the rancid Kit Kats.

Serves the little bastards right for stealing my pumpkins.

So I'm guessing that if you attended or plan on attending a comedy club somewhere in America this week, you heard/will hear a variation of this joke. I guaran-fucking-tee it.

"I had sex for like an hour and ten minutes the other night.... Sure, it was the night we turned the clocks back an hour... but, Hey that counts!"

The hacks from Boise to Buffalo will utter that derivative joke with glee as they proudly state the most stolen joke since "I dated a homeless women once. It was great because after the sex, I could just drop her off anywhere."

Who originally wrote the "daylight savings joke" I reference. I don't know for sure, though if I had to bet, I'd go with Gary Shandling as I heard him tell it some 20+ years ago. And I would never consider Mr. Shandling as someone who'd life a premise, let a lone a joke. The guy's a genius.

If it wasn't Shandling I don't know, but I do know it wasn't the loser in the jeans and t-shirt at your local Funny Bone this weekend.

And while we're on the subject of Daylight Savings, I have a question:

"Why does everyone get so amped up over an extra hour of sleep - ON A SUNDAY?"

What's the benefit there? Waiting an EXTRA hour 'til football starts? Newsflash, That sucks.




There's no need to waste an extra hour of sleep on a Sunday. We can already sleep all we want on Sundays. That's what Sunday are for.

Getting an extra hour of sleep on a Sunday is about as necessary as sentencing a murderer to more than one life sentence - completely unnecessary and just a little misleading. Does that mean there is life after death? Hmmmm......

You wanna make me and MILLIONS of Americans happy, then switch the clocks back at 3:00 AM Monday morning!

Now that extra hour of sleep benefits everyone and not just the losers who have shitty jobs that require them to work on Sundays.

Let's start a grassroots campaign people. Switch the clocks back on Mondays and put that extra hour of sleep to good use. There's no need to waste it on a Sunday. Sleeping in on Sunday's has never posed a problem for anyone - unless you're a loser.


And yes, the picture above is of 1980's NFL star Freeman McNeil - my 2nd favorite player on the NY Jets back in the day. (Wesley Walker was 1)

Here it is - The funniest sketch on SNL in the last 25 years, "Jackie Rogers Jr.'s $100,000 Jackpot Wad"

Martin Short, Christopher Guest and Billy Crystal were unreal. Jim Belushi and Mary Gross not too shabby either. Just so damn funny.

Sadly, I'm old enough to remember watching this with my parents back in 1984.

Watch the whole thing and see what current A-List movie star was in the commercial that followed. Almost as funny as the shetch itself.

"Yuk, yuk, yuk" is my version of LOL

It takes a bit longer, but it comes across as more sincere - don't ya think?

I mean if you're gonna take the time to write, "yuk, yuk, yuk" you're probably really laughing.

I don't know that I trust people who quickly type "LOL". It's just to easy to throw around - Kinda like a baby. LOL

See, I wasn't laughing there. Throwing babies isn't funny. Unless they're crying on a cross country flight.

LOL

Not laughing there either.

Yuk, yuk, yuk

Now I'm truly cracking myself up as I ironically discuss "LOL".

What a pisser I am. YYY

Oh, great, I just shortened my "Yuk, yuk, yuk" to YYY.

I'm the same as all those other assholes.

So for the good of the Internet community, please use "Yuk, yuk, yuk" when laughing online. That way if you took the time to type, we'll believe the laughing hype.

I'm a poet and I didn't even know it. LOL

Wow, this girl's dumb. Not really helping the stereotype about South Carolina and its resident's intelligence:

OK big news... My wife is preggers again. Gonna have a baby right around the New Year. Here's to hoping it's December for the tax break. (fingers crossed)

So for those of you wondering... Yes, my almost 2 year-old son Devin strangled my dreams, but this new kid is coming to make sure they're dead!

BTW, we don't know if it's going to be a boy or a girl and won't be finding out until the birth as it's life's last great secret.

Also, if anyone's got any ideas for names, I'm all ears.

For the record, I have read many a "Don't read this or you'll die" comments and though I hate to brag, I aint dead.

Why do all these half-wits on MySpace continue to clutter various comments sections with these cyber chain letters?

I'm guessing because they've got nothing better to say.

BTW, why does the MySpace spell check feature insist that "MySpace" is spelled incorrectly? You'd think they'd get that one right in the programming.

BTW, the title of today's blog is a lyric from an old-school rap song by Black Sheep... Anyone else remember the song? Extra points for anyone who can name another song by them without Googling it.

 

It's almost become a cliché that no one wants to be THAT GUY.

Everyone hates THAT GUY - pointing him out and mocking him for his THAT GUY antics.

You don't laugh with THAT GUY insomuch as you laugh AT him.

While annoyed by THAT GUY types in the past, I've actually caught myself saying things such as "That guy is so fuckin' THAT GUY".

Plain and simple, THAT GUY is a douche bag... THAT GUY is an asshole. There's really no nice way to say it.

THIS GUY, on the other hand, is awesome. THIS GUY RULES!

THIS GUY is everything that THAT GUY aspires to be and so much more.

Unlike THAT GUY, THIS GUY the life of the party and everyone loves him.

THAT GUY could learn so much from THIS GUY, but he's so caught up in being THAT GUY he doesn't realize just how not THIS GUY, he is.

Like the annoying friend that tries too hard and ends up bugging everyone to the point where they don't want him around, so does THAT GUY - Having no idea he really is THAT GUY.

Strangely, THAT GUY actually thinks he's THIS GUY.

Mostly because THAT GUY has a defective internal filter and incessantly tells himself that he's THIS GUY as he fills up yet another beer bong and tells you how he, "Would so do that blonde chick in the corner".

Confused yet? Let me clear this up for you.

The main difference between THAT GUY and THIS GUY is that when you see THAT GUY you keep your distance and do whatever you can to avoid him - All the while mentioning how much you hate THAT GUY.

Also, while THIS GUY has lots of great stories, he rarely goes the lowest common denominator route with his humor. He doesn't need to. He's not wasted and he actually knows how to keep your attention without the gratuitous use of F-bombs.

As for THAT GUY? All he does is drop F-bombs.. and C-bombs... and S-bombs... and all the other words that the lame story tellers rely on for affect.

You'd walk into a room full of all Crips while wearing all red before sticking around to listen to THAT GUY explain anything.

But THIS GUY, well, you can't get enough of him. THIS GUY attracts a crowd and people genuinely laugh WITH him.

After entertaining you with his hilarious, but never annoying stories and jokes, you'll wag your finger in THIS GUY'S direction, begin laughing out loud and say something along the lines of, "Ha... THIS GUY..., THIS GUUUUUUYYYYYY.... I Love THIS GUY."

People in close proximity will nod in agreement as you grab THIS GUY, put him in a headlock, and give him a noogie to show everyone just how much you love THIS GUY.

THIS GUY will smile, soak it all in and keep on keepin' on - Takin' it easy and takin' his time before it's time to make people laugh again. THIS GUY is in no rush and his relaxed demeanor is EXACTLY what people love about him.

Meanwhile, THAT GUY is over there wearing Mardi Gras beads, a pair of promotional Jagermeister sunglasses and a backwards baseball cap all the while swinging a strand of beads over his now shirtless body. He's yelling obscenities and is cocksure that he's gonna bang one of those Jagermeister girls because they keep coming back to give him more swag.

Sadly, THAT GUY doesn't realize the only reason they keep coming back because he's the only dufus wearing their crap.

THAT GUY Just doesn't get it.

Whenever I buy snacks, I always buy the "reduced guilt" chips. That way I don't feel so bad about cheating on my wife.




Thanks a lot. I'll be here all week. Try the veal!

Alternate punchlines:

1) That way I don't feel so bad about killing that dog.
2) That way I don't feel so bad about stealing that car.
3) That way I don't feel so bad about .... well, you get the idea.

I took my almost 2 year-old son to swimming lessons yesterday and today.

For $30 a week, my son can cry, bawl and scream bloody murder within the confines of a public pool while 9 other toddlers and their parents stare at him like he's the biggest wuss since James Blunt.

My question, why am I paying $30 for this kid to cry at the pool when he already does a fantastic job of crying at home for free?

Trust me, he's the best whiner I've seen. (Every night at bath time, I'm convinced a neighbor is gonna call children's services on us)

It's not like he's learning to swim - Unless of course you consider simultaneously sobbing and hanging on to my neck for dear life "swimming".


* My "currently listening to" music selection is not intended to be ironic. Though Fogelberg is/was quite the wuss himself.

Why is wrestler Chris Benoit's murder/suicide story being carried so extensively by legitimate periodicals and sports news shows - Radio and TV alike?

It's not like any of them ever gave a crap about pro wrestling prior to the tragedy.

And ESPN? Let's just say I'm disgusted and ashamed at their exploitive tactics.

If we can all agree that wrestling is theater; And even the most delusional of folk will concede it is, then shouldn't it be on tabloid journalism shows like Extra or some other gossip-type vehicles?

It's a tragic story, no doubt. But ESPN exploiting the death of wrestler and his family for ratings is akin to The Hollywood Reporter or Variety covering "Girls Gone Wild" creator Joe Francis' legal woes. Sure Joe makes "movies", but they're not legitimate.

ESPN.com making this front page news would be like FOX News going all Anna Nicole 24/7... OK, bad example.

Sorry, but it's just ridiculous that ESPN all of a sudden decided NOW is the time to do a wrestling story. To me, it's as if their sucking the blood out of the corpses and I'm sure Walt Disney would be proud.


Shot at 2007-06-30

Cleveland Cavaliers Best 12 Excuses for NOT Winning the NBA Title
1. Didn't want the pressure of having to repeat next season
2. Coach's suggestion we play "tight man-to-man defense" sounded kinda gay
3. Who could concentrate on basketball with the sassy Eva Longoria sitting courtside?
4. Didn't realize anyone really cared if we won or lost
5. We gave 110%, but the Spurs gave 111%
6. No one wants to point fingers, but our cheerleaders weren't what you'd call "supportive"
7. Their tall guys were taller than our tall guys
8. When Lindsey Lohan's in rehab, suddenly basketball aint so important
9. Didn't really want to visit the White House
10. Everyone was thrown off by Mario Ginobli's sexy Italian accent
11. Team was in state of flux trying to decide what gift to buy for LeBron's new baby
12. You try guarding Tim Duncan


*Sorry for not posting this sooner, but when I originally went to post this, MySpace crashed and then I just went on with my life and forgot. What can I say, I'm a busy guy.

1. Today, someone I had always assumed to be gay (but never had the nerve to ask) called me to ask if a mutual friend was gay. I was totally taken aback.

How do you handle this? I felt like I was in an old "It's Pat" sketch on SNL. Here I was trying to find out about Pat's sexuality and Pat wanted to know about the other person.

I guess the person I took for gay must be straight... Either that or his gaydar needs some serious fixing.

________________________________________________________

2. On Tuesday, I was walking into Rocket Video on La Brea here in Hollywood and a panhandler hit me up for money. I did the obligatory pocket pat and gestured that I was sorry, but I had no money.

Five minutes later, I exited the store, Mr. 3000 in hand and I could jut feel the homeless guy's eyes burning right through me. Clearly he was pissed I had the nerve to rent Mr. 3000 than help a man in need.

And after seeing the film, I don't blame him for being pised.

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3. Last week, I was exiting the Astro Burger on Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood (Ileanna Douglas was there BTW) and a Russian man approached me. For those of you that don't know, that eastern part of West Hollywood is VERY Russian.

When I take my son to the park next to Astro Burger we're usually the only ones not speaking Russian. Anyway, this guy comes up to me and, in broken English, asks to borrow my cell phone. I patted my pants and apologized for not having it on me.

Three seconds later, as he was walking away, my "pocket" began to ring. Thank god it was a busy street and he didn't hear the phone as I didn't want to explain that I was running out of minutes because that would have been a lie.

The truth is, I didn't want his Commie Coodies on my phone.

________________________________________________________

4. My 19 month old son has several "play dates" a week, each with different kids. This one kid, let's call him "Sam" is the ugliest baby you've EVER seen. Now his mom isn't exactly good looking, but this kid is atrocious.

Last weekend at the Russian park, I met Sam's dad and this guy was hideous too - He could've been an extra in the Star Wars canteen scene.

First of all, why are two people this ugly fucking? Shouldn't someone have stopped them?

And secondly, poor "Sam". You'd think he'd have caught a break in the genetic lottery?

Don't two negatives make a positive?

On the bright side, he'll never have to put up with MILF jokes.

So a bunch of terrorists were plotting to blow up JFK International Airport in New York...

Thankfully, the plan was foiled.

But now, in the typical knee-jerk reactionary style that Americans are best at, security at LAX in Los Angeles has been beefed up.

Why is it that security is only improved AFTER a threat?

I'm no expert on counter terrorism, but I'd say putting our guard down is exactly what these ass-clowns want.

What do you say we have great security... the best possible... 24/7 ?

Wouldn't that seem to make sense?

Increasing security at LAX after an attempt to destroy JFK seems akin to having that "birds and the bees" chat with your daughter AFTER the boy next door knocked her up.

OR...

Saying "sorry" to someone you love, AFTER they're in the casket. Sure it feels good to finally do something, but everyone knows the effort's a tad tardy.

These are innocent lives we're talking about.

And I'm not sure the American public is willing to be a day late and a dollar short... AGAIN.