a loner


that's the question i face

i feel totally detached from everyone at school who i ever got close to

so now i'm faced with a decision

keep grasping out for people, hoping that someone will remember what we used to have
or
walk alone

I've never done that before

I feel really pathetic because it's like i'm in my own little world and people forgot i exist and it's eating me to my core

i will never understand why i put all my eggs in one basket, hand them to someone, start walking and hope they come with me.

i've never been inderpendent before and i don't think i really know how

maybe i'll just turn into someone else over the summer

i am going to lose at least 40lbs. over ther summer even if it kills me

i am just sick of getting judged for my weight so i'm going to change it

i can't really do anything about the black girl card so i'm going to get rid of the fat girl card at least

it's i think it's funny how people always write in your year books "don't change"
it's like yeah i'll stay just the way i am so you can spread rumors about me and ignore me some more

i don't know where i'm going with this

i guess i'm just noticing more and more each day how the people who "care" about me are drifting away and they don't even notice

 i'm preparing myself for a lonley summer and a fucked up senior year









 goodnight everyone

I'm hurt and I need change. I think that's my problem right now.

I don't know if anyone has even noticed but I am really off lately. I have pretty much stopped careing about everything and started hating everything about myself slowly but surely. 

The biggest reason is the boy. I will never understand how boys can control my emotions without any effort. They can do something as simple as saying I have a cute laugh and I'll be happy and dwell on it for what feels like forever. But they can also do something like leading me on and I feel like playing in 5pm traffic. This boy kind of set me up. From the beginning he told me that if he was single again he would go back to his old habbits of being a player. But as ususal I thought I was wonder woman and that he would like me so much he wouldn't want to be with anyone else. Then it happened, he drew me into his web and without him even trying I was stuck. We spent almost every night together and I made myself vunerable. Then to make matters worse, he kissed me. Yea I know just a kiss whoop di do but what is it about something as simple as a kiss that can compleatly attach you to someone not just emotionally but physically? So that was that, we spent every night together then one day out of no where he told me he wasn't really that interested. And that he was also with like 5 other girls and I was just another one and I didn't really mean anything. Besides having my heart shattered, I felt stupid. Why don't I listen? I should have known better then to get involved with him... And only to make matters worse, he still wants to be friends. I can't turn away from beign someones friend, I hardly have any that actually care about me. So now I am here, broken.

To make matters worse life at home is horrid. My parents hate eachother and so I avoid being home at all costs. I am about to the point where I am considering putting a grinding halt to all theatre, working all the time and moving out. I seriously am so sick of listening to my dad make up new excuses every day on why he can't get a job. And my mom gets so stressed out because it's honestly not possible to support 6 people and pay for 2 of my brothers college while making like 7.00 and hour. I know I am in no way ready to live on my own but I can't stay in this enviornment anymore. It's starting to effect me in my school work and stuff. I am pretty much doing really shitty in school right now and the sad part is I can't motivate myself to do any better. I am afraid for myself.

The worst thing about all of this is I would probably feel a lot better if I felt like I have someone to talk to. I feel like I'm losing everyone. Well actually I think all the people I was really close with last year are bonding with each other and just slowly squishing my out of their circle. I keep not going to school mainly because I feel so awkward walking down that halls, seeing everyone talking and laughing with their friends and I am just there... coexisting but never relating. I really don't know where I'm going with all of this.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I am acting strange because I am hurt. I am hurt all over. Hurt by boys who decieve me, hurt by parents who don't respect eacho other, hurt by friends who are unaware they are being exclusive and most of all hurt by myself for careing to much. 

 

 

 

How do I stop letting others hurt me?

I am so afraid

I am starting to move backwards
I hit rock bottom before and I told myself I would never go back
But now I understand why I was there in the first place
It was just so easy not to care
And so now I'm hitting the rewind button

I am so afraid

I don't know how to pull myself together
I thought I grew up and left that part of my life in the past where it belonged
I hate how so much of me relies on other people
My life revolves around the opinions and actions of other people
I don't posses my own sense of self and  now I'm losing  my self control

I am so afraid

I can't even cry
I just keep handing out fake, broken smiles
Hoping someone will see that I'm crashing and give me hope
I have no lifesaver I can cling to anymore
Not a friend, not my family, not faith

I am so afraid

I have worked so hard to try and build myself back from the ground up
Now I just seem to exist without any ambition
To the naked eye I was blossoming into this beautiful, flowering, prime example of a person
But deep down I feel like this hollow vessel where a spirit used to lie
I failed to heal and I am crying out for help

I am so afraid