every hour im spending back at home is making me sadder.
im not sure how im gonna cope being back in this space.
and im a bit scared.

13 years ago
me and my dad went to a cross roads near our house
we planted loads of daffodils
so that every march
everyone who came round the corner of grinstead hill
would see a burst of sunshine.

they're all dead now.

I'm doing everything i can to avoid work/thought...and i thought the result was super cool! this wont become a hobby...

Which Western feminist icon are you?

You are Judith Butler! Your postmodern queer theory has shaken up people's ideas of gender, sexuality, and sex. Your work has blurred lines between what it means to be a womyn and what it means to be a man. Queens and transbois all over the world worship your Birkenstocks! Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

at least this isn't me...

I've been thinking a lot about being "genderqueer" "transgender" "gender dysmorphic" "a man" "a woman"
Recently I've been being quite self-righteous and correcting people when they refer to me as a man.
More so when they refer to "well all men do that"
But it's weird cos I'll still identify as and use being a "gay man" "faggot" etc asa joke/an excuse for various things.
People can call me a man if they want I guess, it doesnt really mean anything.
I've been reading people saying they feel more like a "boy" or a "girl"
But I don't know what that feels like.
I only know what I feel
I've got a cock
So is that what it feels like to be a "boy"?
When I'm discussing this kind of stuff I normally I.D. as "genderqueer"
Does that mean that how I feel is a universal feeling of the "gender queer"?
I think that whole notion of there being a "boy" mode and a "girl" mode is bollocks.
I have certain chemicals inside my body and I've been socialised in certain ways which have an affect the way I feel.
But even if we were all androgynous we'd all still be different.
So surely none of us can feel like an objective anything.
We think there's an objective "man" and "woman" just like we think there's an objective reality that can be reached.
But thats just what we see on TV screens and what we see each other pretending to do and feel everyday.

The whole gender dysmorphia thing really confuses me...
Sometimes I want a cunt because I think lesbian intercourse is the most equal beautiful kind of love there is.
And hetero penetrative sex is a lot easier. (And lets face it, cleaner)
And I like that ability to look lovers in the eyes without having to crane my neck.
But that's only something to do with disstisfaction with my body and sex
Not an integral part of my psyche.
I'd like a facelift as well.
 I'm body-dysmorphic 
But I don't see I can be pathologised any further than that.
I really like wearing dresses and make up and playing with my hair.
That doesn't mean that really I'm a "girl".
If you look at other cultures the males tart themselves up a lot more than women.
I can't think off the top of my head anything that's truly essential only to men or to women and without discrepency (even the nurture of children...studies have shown theres nothing inherent to motherhood about that see Ann Oakley)

So when I hear people say they don't feel like either gender what does that really mean?
"I feel more like a man"
"I feel more like a MTFTMTQTRTMTFTMTMI"
How do you know what it feels like to be one of those?
Apart from other people's description of their experience.
Surely you just know what it feels like to be you?
There's no TRUTH in anything.
Just what you know.

I say I'm genderqueer cos I don't acknowlede gender.
I don't believe that there's an essence to man or woman.
I refuse to perform the roles prescribed to me at both.
It's not even a conscious refusal.
I've just never been able to do it.
But even the term genderqueer seems to have some kind of essence to it. (From what I've been reading recently anyway)
I no more a man than i am a woman than i am a genderqueer.
I am Tumble Weed and shall forever be.
I have a beautiful cock.
I just wish I had a cunt to finish it off.

Jeff "Free" Luers Statement for the International Day of Solidarity with
Political Prisoners (December 2006)

Around the world millions of people are suffering from the abuses of
power that have become all too common in our human societies. In dozens
of countries, generations of people have chosen to fight injustice
rather than submit to it.

We honor those people today. We raise our voices and our fists to salute
those who have fought to free their homelands, who have struggled for
self-determination; those who have demanded human rights; those who have
raided laboratories and liberated animals; and those who have fought to
defend our earth.

Today we shout our praises and offer our respect to those captured in
the line of duty, serving their cause. We thank them for refusing to
submit even behind bars.

On this day we bow our heads in reverence to those people who made the
ultimate sacrifice and gave their lives for freedom. We remember the
price they paid and the loss that their family and friends still feel.

We offer more than our gratitude. We offer our solidarity. We make a
promise to remember and honor those who have come before. We make a vow
that the struggle will continue until all are free.

Too many people have had to fight for the freedom they should have been
guaranteed at birth; too many have suffered the cruelty of capitalist
exploitation.

The most important thing we can do today is to make a solemn oath: that
ours is the last generation that will have to struggle; that we will
apply pressure from all angles until these systems of oppression crack;
that we will settle for nothing less than victory.

With the memory of those who have come before us; in solidarity with
those still standing behind bars; while honoring those who gave their
lives: We march forward to bring a new day with our heads high and our
fists raised.

And I say to you that if we stand united with one voice and we act on
our desire for liberation we will carry the day! We will win!

- Jeff "Free" Luers


Write to:

Jeff Luers
#13797671
Oregon State Prison
2605 State Street
Salem, Oregon 97310
USA

For more information: www.freefreenow.org

Though they broke your heart they never broke your will
Your spirits stayed strong throughout as you were ill
They caged you like the animals and tortured you but still
They could never hurt what cannot be killed
Though the mortal life of a true freedom fighters gone
Barry horne, Barry Horne your memory lives on.

Through the broken dreams and all the years of pain
Barry Horne, Barry Horne your death was not in vain

A man laid down his life for those who cant defend themselves
Born into a nightmare, their lives a living hell
Some people think its wrong to put profit before life
Some people think its wrong to be put under the knife

Though the mortal life of a true freedom fighters gone
Barry Horne, Barry Horne your memory lives on.
Through the broken dreams and all the years of pain
Barry Horne, Barry Horne your death was not in vain

Their example has failed your death it us unites
There's many who were sleeping who are now awake to fight
A man died for the animals to teach the world their plight
Has made the masses wonder if this "terrorist" was right

Though the mortal life of a true freedom fighters gone
Barry Horne, Barry Horne your memory lives on.
Through the broken dreams and all the years of pain
Barry Horne, Barry Horne your death was not in vain

(Inner Terrestrials)

Things seems the most sorted they've been in a while.
I'm comfortable with most aspects of my life.
I have things to look forward to.
And choices.
I'm potentially gonna fuck up my degree.
I have too much work.
And not enouugh days in the week.
I feel a lot more concrete in my politics.
And how to equate that with work.
And i feel more comfortable with my feelings and views on art.
That's because i went to the Louvre.
99% of it was shit.
The other people their were like animals.
Desperate to consume the experience society said were the best.
Mona Lisa; Venus.
They were really uninspiring.
I also went to the museum of modern art.
And bought an anthology of the first five years of butt magazine.
It's so fucking chic.
I've been looking at del lagrace volcano a lot recently.
Xie's really amazing.
I'm listening to Ewan Maccoll.
I wish he was my grandad.
There's a new anti-ID group setting up in Ipswich.
Wank politics are already coming into play.
I'm gonna hold my ground.
I've got a hold on katie.
And lots of new anarcho punk albums.
Rudimentary Peni are the shit.
My copy of Steppenwolfe has completely fallen apart.
Reading queer theory and interacting with lots of people is really helping me be comfortable with my seemingly ever evolving personality and identity.
I've become a lot more sensible and professional.
I have a new skirt.
Its very short and denim.
I'm reading bits of annie sprinkle.
She's not as cool as i thought she was.
I dont like her present image.
On a relativist level she's fantastic however.
I've been considering determinism a lot
It seems to make an awful lot of sense
and at the moment i cant think of an argument against it.
I've never been so pleased to be human.
I love my ability to evolve.
Anything's possible :-)

My brains a bit too addled to study
So I'm writing this instead.
I've spent the weekend playing with valerie and katie
And feel much better for it.
I studied quite a lot
I'm now very well versed in child protection and mental health law.
Its surprsingly interesting
Now I'm looking at the neo-liberal construction of a risk society.
Last weekend I went to a conference on anarchism and sexuality
It was very very good
It really stretched my brain
I've had to look at whole new concepts in the way we define  abuse and consent.
That was tough.
There was really positive discussion about doing more outreach.
I'm going to queerstate next weekend
I have the best outfit
I've made a halterneck out of police tape
And Im gonna wear a mini skirt and no undies
I skipped about in it tonight and looked and felt fantastic.
I saw old friends
And pissed off new ones
I wish i didnt love that loss of control so much
I really dont know where life is gonna take me
and thats ok.
Theres a few things that need considering and actioning.
I'll get there in due course.

I wish I knew who read my blog
I only just posted and there were instantly like 12 readers
How do you know?
It makes me feel kind of uncomfortable people read this
Even though that must be the reason i write these
To some extent it must contrive the content
Even though its sub conscious
I'm listening to Alan Ginsberg read his poetry
I want the life he had
He made so much difference through so much beauty
Now theres a radical.
I feel politically impotent at the moment
I havent DONE anything for ages
Reading about the Chicago Martyrs make me shake with pride
And cower with guilt of my apathy.
Yesterday i got naked lunch and barbarella for a fiver :-)
I need to get out of this house
I need to fly
This room has too many memories
I have this tight ball of angst in my chest
Its so tight it hurts
I feel like the only way it'll go is through tears
But i don't feel sad.
Haha im such an emo cunt.
I like reading my blogs
You don't have to.
You need to listen to alan ginsberg
Else you won't understand.
I think its happy to embrace this side.
Cos already I'm turning it into a bigger better happiness than some of you will ever know.

****EDIT****

I didnt wanna do another blog
But I just realised
I havent taken my anti depressants since sunday
Its no wonder I'm feeling a bit done in
That helps a lot :-)
I mean all things considered I guess I'm doing pretty good.
I'm still going out tonight
And I reckon I'll enjoy myself.
It's all soya gravy.