BLACK SHEEP, the Chris Farley/David Spade "comedy."

Comedy? Yeah, except for the end of the movie where Chris Farley puts his brother and buddy on an aiplane and then shuts the door and then gets his jacket caught in the door. And then you know what happens?? THE PLANE TAKES OFF!! Yeah! It flies away into the FUCKING SKY! With him attached to it by just a piece of fabric!

It does not take an airplane scientist to understand this will kill him. The jacket will rip and he will fall to his death. Yet, it's supposed to make me laugh? Way to go, everyone. Way to go.

These are the qualities I am looking for in my shiny new hipster girlfriend. I want the deluxe package.

YOU

1. Lots of silly scarves, too tight pants, big sweaters, bigger glasses and ugly clothing. That's right! The uglier the clothes, the hotter you people get. How does that happen? A leopard print jacket with red cowboy boots and sunglasses? At night? You're crazy, but I like you, man. I like you.
   
   
2. Cares more about myspace than I do. I am on this site a lot, but if you spend more time than I do putting 332 pictures on your page of you in the photo booth at The Cha Cha Lounge with DJ Larry. (Who's DJ Larry? You stupid fuck. He's so undeground he doesn't exist yet. FACED! ...Oh yeah, you also have to say "faced." It's like "huzzah" but cool.)
   
   
3. Totes knows the Cha Cha Lounge is NOT COOL anymore. The only place my new hipster girlfriend and all her friends hang out is at GG Allin's grave, shitting on it. And they're coke shits too. So, ewww. But yayyy!
   
   
4. Does lots of blow. And I mean lots of it! I want that lipstick stain on the collar of my shirt to actually be a blood stain from your withering cartiledge.
   
   
5. Pale. Very pale. Like Elizabethan pale. Dancing til 6 am and after partying til 9 and after party-partying til 2 pm, has its toll. That toll is you haven't seen the sunlight since P.E. in high school when instead of playing volleyball you smoked cigarettes and cut yourself behind the cafeteria.
   
   
6. Has every single frame of The Nightmare Before Christmas tattooed on her left arm somehow. Right arm = clean as a whistle. Left Arm = entire animated film. OH, and she also has the lyrics to any song from Pinkerton tattooed on her vagina (the inside of it).
   
   
7. Wouldn't be caught DEAD calling herself a "hipster." That is a totes NARC word. (Look, baby, I know I'm using it, but I am not cool and don't know what your breed goes by these days. Princesses? Should I call you princesses? Cause you are. I'll change, I swear.)
   
   
8. Thinks dudes that are hairy are hot? I know this isn't a hipster trait, but its worth a shot. This is my list, so shut up.
   
   
   

I can't offer you what you typically look for in a guy. I don't care about what I wear. Yeah sure, I have baseball hats, but the bills are bent and the stickers have been removed from them. 9 out of 10 times I would choose staying home and watching Freaks and Geeks with you to going to one of your all night dance-a-thons. But you know what? I'm willing to compromise. For you. I hate blow. The one time I sincerely did it all night, I thought I was dying and woke my parents up to tell them I was dying from cocaine (my dad is a doctor). Turns out I didn't die, but my desire to inhale that china did. But whatever, I'm not asking you to stop. I'm just asking you to love me.

It just isn't fair. You are easily the most attractive girls, but you refuse to be with guys that aren't awful. So, let me nominate myself as your next boyfriend. So what? I know he is scraggly and tatted up and people thing he's rad. But give someone else a chance for a change.

They say a fish and a horse can marry, but where will they live? I'm in the Valley and you're in Echo Park. So let's say Hollywood?
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