MEME FROM CRAIG:

1.What is a question that people ask you that always gets on your nerves?

"This won't make you mad, will it?" I don't know until you ask. And, besides, I'm not that kind of guy. Until you ask me that question. At least I don't think I am.

2. Name something you have in common with all your siblings?

We are all exactly the same weight, height and age. We also married the same woman and fathered the same child.

3. What is the greatest amount of physical pain you have ever had?

Stepped in a hole outside Legends Field a couple years ago. Thought I broke my ankle clean off my leg. Makes me queasy to even think of it. The memory of the pain - and how I had to walk on it about a half-mile to get back to my truck - makes me want to vom.

4. What number of drinks constitutes your limit?

Depends on the beverage. Beer, I can drink all day. Tequila? I get drunk looking at the label.

5. Do you fold your underwear?

Spangled thongs resist conformity of shape.

6. Who is the last person you wrote a letter to on paper?

Can't remember. Been a while since my last ransom note.

7. Have you fired a gun before?

I may load a chamber if these questions don't get better.

8. Name someone you consider a genius.

Buster Keaton, Chuck Jones, Chuck Barris

9. What was your favorite childhood toy?

Matchbox cars. Still have a lot of them.

10. Name a sound that disturbs you.

Michelle

11. Name something random that you would never do.

Let my dogs run around crapping in everyone else's yards but mine. Apparently I'm in the minority on this one in my neighborhood.

12. Name a person whose diary you would love to read.

Mine, from when I was about 10.

13. Have you ever had the same dream more than once?

Are you kidding? All the time. Had one for years as a kid about a villain named Mr. Fantastic who could fly and change into anyone I knew. Scared me to pieces.

Then one day, when I was awake, I heard the guy's voice on the radio and just about made me poop myself. It was the guy in Looking Glass who sings, "Brandy, you're fine girl, what a good wife you would be." To this day, I turn the channel if it comes on.

14. Name something that makes you happy.

Watching my son sleep peacefully in his bed.

15. Name someone that made you laugh today.

There's a retiree who lives in an adult condo next to work that I see motoring around on his "mobility scooter" all the time with a chihuahua on his lap. The guy wears the same white crew-neck undershirt, plaid shorts, blue socks and brown shoes every time I see him. And the dog stands on his lap like Rose on the bow of the "Titanic." I imagine the dog is saying, "I'm flying, Jack!"

I saw him today. I don't know if he made me laugh or if that was just my stupid brain.

16. If you were in an emergency situation and you had to deliver a baby, could you do it?

Sure. I saw "Doc Hollywood." What's the big deal?

17. What is on your refrigerator door?

A non-functioning ice and water dispenser.

18. Name the closest thing to you that is green.

A communist Mao hat given to me in college by my friend Sandra when she lived in Hong Kong.

19. If someone who didn't know you had to guess your name, what would it be?

X. Cusemee Sirr, seems to be popular.

20. Name something you have to do tomorrow.?

Correct the punctuation in this question.

21. Name a movie you are looking forward to watching.

"The Simpsons Movie."

22. Have you ever called 911?

You betcha. Rolling a truck in the middle of the night on a deserted road makes that a necessity.

23. Name something about men/women that tends to be true:

The world would be a much less complicated place if men and women left each other alone until they were about 28.

24. Do You Own An iPod?

One that has more memory than my computer. Fat lot of good that does me. Every time I go to sync the damn thing, my PC about needs a truss to carry the load.

25. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?

"The Godfather" parts 1 and 2. We're baptising the offspring in the cinematic waters of the Coppola River.

26. Do Any Of Your Friends Have Children?

Yes, and the converse as well.

27. What CD Is Currently In Your Cd Player?

Garbage, "Bleed Like Me"

28. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate Milk?

YooHoo me.

29. Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?

Tons. I'm like a magnet for them. And every single one of them, I wish I didn't know.

30. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?

Had Starbucks? Last month, but it was consensual.

31. Can You Whistle?

Unfortunately. Apparently I do it unconsciously. A digital recorder I use for work recently accidentally triggered in my carrying bag. There was a 15 minute recording of me walking and whistling. I felt 104 years old, like some great-grandfather making a chair in his wood shop. That shit has to stop.

32. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?

I certainly give them plenty reason to.

33. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?

Just about every movie but "Rocky Horror." Seriously. I hate that fucking movie.

Oddly, I'm a total dialogue bitch for "Capricorn One." It's hard to resist committing lines to memory when they roll off the tongues of James Brolin, Sam Watterson, O.J. Simpson, Hal Hollbrook, Brenda Vaccaro and Elliot Gould. Oh, and Telly Savalas.

34. Are You Currently Wanting Any Piercings Or Tattoos?

There are a couple of people I know who could use a sharp punjee stick through the temple. Other than that, no.

35. Would You Ever Date Anyone Covered In Tattoos?

Lidia. Oh, Lidia. Have you met Lidia? Lidia the tattooed lady?

36. What Did You Do Before This?

Slept.

37. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?

Five years ago during a Cub Scout sleepover underneath a Saturn V rocket at Cape Canaveral. Forgot a plug for the air mattress. Slept on bare concrete. It was not enjoyable.

38. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?

Four.

39. Are You Picky About Spelling And Grammar?

See question No. 20.

40. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?

My Austin Powers answer: "Sex and I get along just fine, baby. YEAH!"

41. Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?

Doesn't everyone sleep standing on one leg?

42. Do you watch the news?

Only when I'm being held as an enemy combatant at Gitmo.

43. Who Was The Last Person To Make You Mad?

Fredo. He broke my heart. He broke my heart.

A meme from my friend Craig:

I KNOW I've done this one, but for the benefit of my renewed acquaintances ...

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.

1. Who was your best friend?: Mike Stack, Louis Bode, Greg Tobias, Paul Ezzo, Sheelagh McCaughey

2.What sports did you play?: Basketball, track, spring football

3. What kind of car did you drive?: A white '76 two-door Olds Cutlass with a 356, V8 engine, bench seats and a blue half-vinyl roof. As Cartman would say: "Kick ass." I wrecked it. Several times.

4. It's Friday night, where were you? Maybe at Stack's or Tobias' houses. Maybe at church youth group.

5. Were you a party animal?: I had my moments.

6. Were you considered a flirt?: I had my moments.

7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Yeah. If you can qualify butchering the bass drum in marching band as membership.

8. Were you a nerd?: I was able to bridge the nerd/sports/journlism/Catholic youth group genres to bring each down to new lows.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled?: Yes. Yes I did. Please see question No. 5.

10. Can you sing the fight song?: It was a Catholic school. The closest thing we got to a fight song was singing "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love" by Van Halen out in the parking lot before school.

11. Who was your favorite teacher?: Miss Connie Ehlers.

12.What was your school's full name?: St. Petersburg Catholic High School.

13. School mascot?: The Baron. I'm not making this up. Gayest. Mascot. Ever. We not only lost football and basketball games, we lost so big, they nearly qualified as hate crimes. I attribute that to the mascot.

14. Did you go to Prom?: Yep. With Ellie, a distant cousin by marriage from South Carolina. (She was a nursing student with a large chest who had a sweet Southern accent and her own car. Gimme a break. That's was, like, the magic Penthouse Letters combination in 1983) How Southern was she? When she got mad, she'd threaten to "pole" me. As if to say, she intended to hit me with a broomstick. This drove me insane. I told her, "If I was going to threaten to run you over, I wouldn't say, 'I'm gonna car you.'" Our relationship went downhill soon after. Especially after she announced we would only be kissing.

15. If you could go back and do it over, would you?: Prom? Sure, why not. I got to watch my ex-girlfriend's revenge date strip on the dance floor and get thrown out of the Don CeSar for swimming naked and drunk in their hotel pool. The Prom Queen, Julie, was so loaded, she had to be carried during the last dance by my friend Mike, who was Prom King. Made for some really great photos in the yearbook.

Would I do high school over? Not in a million years.

16. What do you remember most about graduation?: Well, it was in a cathedral, so the ceremony was rather restrained. My father couldn't be bothered to wear a tie. Graduation night? Magnifico. It's mostly a blur Woke up on the beach behind the Don CeSar with a bottle of Jack in one hand and my head in the lap of a woman I've yet to see since and whom I would be unable to identify from a lineup today. Regardless, I owe her my life.

Later that day, I drove with my friend Desmond to EPCOT. We stole a wheelchair and spent the day pretending to be handicapped so we could get on rides quicker. I've matured greatly since then.

17. Where were you on senior skip day?: See question No. 9. The school skipped it for me.

18. Did you have a job your senior year?: Several. I worked at marina as a dock hand and also at a fish restaurant as a busboy. I had tan lines around my ankles from wearing docksiders in the sun for 20 hours each weekend and I smelled like hush puppies and French fries during the week.

19. Where did you go most often for lunch?: Our shitty school cafeteria.

20. Have you gained weight since then?: That would be an understatement.

21. What did you do after graduation?: Attended FSU and finished at UF.

22. When did you graduate?: High school? 1983.

23. Who was your Senior prom date?: See question No. 14.

24. Are you going to your 10 year reunion?: You mean 14 years ago? No, I didn't go. Didn't do the 20th either. I didn't feel the need to pay a thousand bucks to hang with people whom I would have paid a thousand bucks to get away from in 1983.

25. Who was your home room teacher?: Miss Connie Ehlers.

26. Who will repost this after you?: To quote Tom Petty: Baby, even the losers get lucky sometimes.

RULES:
1. Put Your itunes, Windows Media Player, etc., on shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"Yellow River" - Christie

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
"Nothing is Good Enough" - Aimee Mann

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Don't Be Ashamed Of Your Age" - Jerry Lee Lewis Feat. George Jones

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"Mississippi" - Sheryl Crow

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"World Leader Pretend" - R.E.M.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
"Filthy Rich" - Big & Rich

WHAT IS 2+2?
"The Boxer" - Paul Simon

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
"You Can't Do That" - The Beatles

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Queen of Bliss" - Luscious Jackson

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Hole In My Life" - The Police

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Invisible Sun" - The Police

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Traditional Irish Folk Song" - Denis Leary

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Achin' To Be" - The Replacements

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Sugarcoated" - Aimee Mnn

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"One Toke Over The Line" - Brewer & Shipley

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"Sit On My Face" - Monty Python

Tired of questions by 15, 16, 17 year olds who have never lived in the real world? Here's one for the folks who have actually lived.

1. Worst damage you ever took in a fight?
The right to party. My mom took away my best porno mag.

2. Most money you ever owed a utility company?
Can you consider MasterCard a utility?

3. Last time you got kicked out of a bar ?
Rickenbachers, Gainesville, 1988. I was working there at the time.

4. Longest time you slept in a car?
About 20 minutes doing 80 on U.S. 19 between Chiefland and Tallahassee.

5. Most fucked up nickname you've ever been given?
Pink Lady and Jeff.

6. Worst job you ever had?
Depends on how this week goes. Prior to this week: Steak n Shake. Lasted one week.

Either that or this guy is brilliant.

An example:

Q: Who would you rather have on your hockey team Robert DiNero or Martin Scorsese?

A: That's easy, Martin Scorsese. Because Martin scores easy.

I'm opting for the latter.

Funniest line of the year, from the Comedy Central show "Stella":

Nature man: Nature can be fun...."
David: "Like boobs?"
Nature man: "....sometimes it can be dangerous."
Michael: "Like fire boobs?"