2010: The Future of Cannibal Rights
A satire on the moral decay of modern society, from Creation-Evolution Headlines 08/28/2003
by David F. Coppedge

First it will be something kinky on Jerry Springer that college students find amusing, then the practitioners will be seen as victims, who cannot help the way they were born.  Some scientific journal will report a potential health benefit, and a psychology journal will conclude that it is harmless, and actually has positive social effects in some populations.  Someone will find a gene for cannibalistic propensities.
    The ACLU will support a test case of cannibalism for medicinal use; defense attorneys will argue that it is no different in principle from using fetal tissues or embryonic stem cells for medical treatment.  Cannibal Rights groups will arise, with marches on Washington; these will be reported compassionately by the media, making people sympathetic for this new class of the oppressed; the "religious right, " by contrast, will be the bad guys.  A ranting protestor, who will be labeled a fundamentalist Christian, will be shown delivering hate speech to a mild, nicely-dressed cannibal.  Commentators will complain that the members of the religious right always want to shove their values down other people’s throats (but some will try to respond that they want to prevent other material from going down their throats).
    The Discovery Channel will sanitize the history of cannibal societies, portraying them as healthier and better adjusted than stressed-out, obese Americans; after all, it was Christian missionaries, whose exaggerated and biased reports gave cannibals an undeserved negative reputation.  Celebrities, gradually at first, will become more open about their private cannibalism, from I don’t see anything particularly wrong with it, to I tried it once when I was young, to Only a bigot would try to stop someone from doing what he or she feels is best for their own health.  Actors will out each other.  Cable companies will offer the Cannibal News Network, late nights at first, then prime time.  This will be followed by Cannibal History, Cannibal Gourmet and Cannibal Planet.
    Slogans like "Eat the one you love" and "You are what you eat" will be seen on backpacks and locker doors of public school children, who will have attended required presentations by visiting cannibals brought in to describe their lifestyle under the banner of diversity and sensitivity.  Nose bones will become chic on campus.  Pretending to gnaw on another’s arm will be funny at first, then a sign of affection.  Laws will by then have incrementally reduced penalties for cannibalism except in the most violent cases.  Readers of best-sellers will be shocked at first, then amused, at great historical figures that were alleged to have had cannibalistic tendencies.
      Cannibals will take on a new label, "Sweet," to overcome any lingering prejudice about cannibalism.  Sweet Rock will become the hottest trend in music.  Some over-zealous right-winger who can’t take it any more will bomb a Sweet Barbecue, and this will become a cause celebre for the Sweet Rights movement.  There will be no end of replays on TV of the shocking incident (the cameras will avoid, however, the looters picking up on all the newly-distributed body parts).  In response to this deplorable act, harsh new laws will be enacted against those who protest or obstruct Sweet events.  Conservative politicians will get nowhere unless they express moderation on the Sweet Rights controversy and support cannibal privacy laws.  It will be considered marginally tolerable for a conservative to say, "Well, though I disapprove of the practice myself, I’m not one to judge what someone does in the privacy of their own home."  Liberal politicians and celebrities, on the other hand, will be grand marshals at the Sweet Pride Parades.
    The U.N., with a strong contingent of representatives from cannibal countries, will have been harshly criticizing America for years on this issue.  Europeans will wag their heads at how intolerant the Americans are, and some will refuse to do business with the U.S. until it grants full civil rights to the Sweet People.  Finally, the Supreme Court will find a right to cannibalism in the Constitution, and it will become a hate crime to speak out against it.
    Supermarkets of the future will be amply stocked with "Sweet" products, attractively packaged, USDA-approved, and microwave-ready.  Public service announcements will encourage partakers not to use black market products, which might contain disease, but only to purchase through legitimate approved sources, including flesh farms where genetically-modified (GM) brainless bodies are grown under sanitary conditions, and clinics where volunteers can submit their bodies for consumption.  The benefits of clean cannibalism will be advertised: recycling, less need for valuable cemetery land, and healthy spare organs for those on waiting lists.  Consumers will feel a little better if they see labels certifying that the contents contain no leftovers from Christian executions in totalitarian countries.  Though everyone thinks bigoted reactionaries are deplorable and deserve condemnation, capital punishment is still taboo among civilized societies.

Cannibals: Eat the One You Love  08/16/2001
Beth Conklin, an anthropologist at Vanderbilt University, has written a book entitled Compassionate Cannibalism in which she argues that cannibalism not always a barbaric act against enemies but, at least among the Wari’ tribe of the Amazon rain forest, a way of showing respect to loved ones who have died.

How do you like your uncle done?  While we’re at the rationalization game, let’s examine the noble motives of those on death row.  After all, anthropologists have rationalized the behavior of adulterers and rapists in evolutionary terms.  One would think that reinterpretation of vice would never go so far as cannibalism, but, as Conklin argues, we just need to see it from the natives’ point of view.  Everyone is beautiful in their own way – except missionaries, who interfere with their grieving customs by telling them about everlasting life in Christ.