so after listening to the new GnR album yesterday, i figured i'd give it a minute or two to settle in, and then listen again today and try to be a little more objective about it...  Unfortunately, all the objectivity in the world can't cover up one simple fact. 

the album sucks.  no wait - it really sucks. 

we're talking 2 star material here, and the ONLY reason it gets 2 stars, is that axl still manages to sound like axl, most of the time. 
i guess i'm not sure what i was expecting, or honestly, why i was expecting anything.  any album that takes 14 years to record, re-record, re-re-record again, master, re-master, and then re-record guitar parts yet again to cover an exiting member, is obviously going to have some issues with continuity, feel, and general lack of soul (which, this album has none of, btw).  the amount of overproduction on it makes you wonder what bumblefuck (bucketfoot?  bumblehead?) actually sounds like while not being pumped through 389 compressors, noise gates, eq's, and whatever other digital or analog goodies made axl happy on that particular day.  and wtf with the lame guitarist monikers, at least "slash" sounded moderately badass, like he'd slash your nuts off if you fucked with him.  but i digress... it's standard packaged hard rock for the Masses, with a big "FUCK YOU" to anyone that loved them (like i did) back in the good 'ol 80's. 

I think the worst part about all this for me, is the critical acclaim this fucking piece of shit is receiving, here's an excerpt from RS magazine by esteemed RS staff member David Fricke - "At times, it's the clenched-fist five that made 1987's perfect storm, Appetite for Destruction; more often, it's the one sprawled across the maxed-out CDs of 1991's Use Your Illusion I and II, but here compressed into a convulsive single disc of supershred guitars, orchestral fanfares, hip-hop electronics, metallic tabernacle choirs and Axl Rose's still-virile, rusted-siren singing."

now, i can agree with comparing some of the tracks to some pussy ass shit like "november rain" (which i actually happen to like, before you get up in arms), but comparing this to appetite?  the utter lack of emotion in the playing, coupled with the overproduction, eliminates any sort of Raw Power which may have been (but more likely was not) present during the recording sessions, which frankly, is what made listening to appetite (and still does, for that matter) completely enjoyable. 
Mr. Fricke clearly needs a bottle of jack force fed to him while listening to slash play the opening riff to "Out Ta Get Me" on 11 repeatedly.  then maybe he'll get the idea. 

a little more accurately, SPIN magazine's Mikael Wood says, "An outrageously overblown pop-metal extravaganza, Chinese Democracy feels like a perfect epitaph for all the absurdity and nonsense of the George W. Bush era -- one final blowout before Principal Obama takes our idiocy away."
unfortunately now the lambs of abortion are going to have to find a new pretense to release our album under.  SPIN still gives this pile of shit 3.5/5 stars. 

sadly, the only thing i can find about chinese democracy, that is even remotely accurate, is chuck klosterman's review, linked here, as it's just too good to quote or paraphrase.  it's also worth noting that this "review" was penned in april of 2006, as an april fools joke, yet it somehow captures everything in its proper light. 

http://www.spin.com/reviews/guns-n-roses-chinese-democracy-interscope

i could ramble on incessantly about each individual track here, but hey, who the hell am i to rain on axl's parade?  i'll let you judge for yourselves.

dtl

Some of us are not planning so much for the bliss of retirement, but selling short that long dream for the dangerous, violent urgency of now. Those of us not invested in our futures... ah well, the japanese market fell 4.5% this evening and there are more grim prospects from the 24-hour failure circling the planet.

From my perspective, this is focused on western PA, where OBama's "spread the wealth" comment has given a foothold to the stumbling and lost McCain campaign. Obama has run a campaign like none other in history focusing on where grassroots omvements could sway the thin margins of what used to be considered Bush territory. Part of this design is rejecting the self-defeatest and partisan bitterness felt by democrats after the Kerry defeat - and the subsequent division of America into Edwards' Two Americas. We see this election in terms of blue and red states. Obama sees this election through the eyes of his ground game and individual supporters. I saw the cracks in the facade in 2006 when Democrats were being elected from strange places I'd blocked out of my mind. Obama's message of hope was more than simple campaign sloganeering, but rather tapping into what may have been the last remaining vein of success for the Democratic party. He knew there was somethign tangible he could build on beneath the Religious Right's visceral grip on politics. They had the message, and the presidency, and the War.

It was a different place about a year and a half ago. Originally McCain was the lamb thrown into the slaughter of what was an inevitable Democratic Presidency in 2009 no matter who it was. There was a new breed of nominees that tapped into the last remnants of the old party: terrorism, fear, fiscal responsibility, and religion. The subjects seemed old and the excitement of the democratic field either energized the core Democrats or scared the shit out of the Republicans that remained faithful to The Party. This was early 2007, back when Obama was trading 100:1 on the Presidency in Vegas, and Clinton was all-but-guaranteed the nomination at 2:1 odds on that same market. Its somewhat surprising Ron Paul dind't do better as a Libertarian in the Republican field, capable of redefining a new platform for Republicans and a new definition of "conservative". But even in the face of certain defeat third party identification is a simple non-starter. The Democratic party took a risk nominating Barack Obama. He's everything he said he was - young, inexperienced, weird, black, etc - taking the obvious arguments head on. He proved inspirational, capturing media attention with his 2004 opening speech. He was the youth candidate from the start.

Not today. These obvious arguments have fallen on deaf ears, but his true-blue Democratic beliefs are now front-and-center to the McCain stump speeches. This was the one target the Republicans should have focused on from the start, yet Obama wouldn't give them any kind of gaffe to sink into. The horribly infamous and ruined Joe the Plumber took care of that - opening the hole that now leads to McCain's dim light at the end of a very very black tunnel.

What was an honest moment straight from Obama's heart has turned into the catch-phrase of the Republican campaign. "Spread the Wealth" is frightening to Americans on a religious level. The words lend themselves to the stereotypical American vision of Socialism. This is the first real attack that seems to be working for the Right, and that is because of its very fundamental American connection to the limited identity of voters.

Obama's staggering lead will tighten in the days up to the election, and this will be expected and within tolerance levels. The problem is that the new socialist label and anti-capitalist narrative of McCain/Palin may be behind those closing poll numbers in PA, and will undoubtedly affect the razor-thin gap in OH and FL.

This is where McCain has refocused his campaign. He cannot play a national game at this late stage, and the national numbers only reflect the state-by-state numbers. He is pulling out of WI, ME, CO, NV to form a sword into the polls of PA, OH, and FL - the states that can give him the Presidency. In the dark political underground he's been left in, this is the renewed Hope he and the Republican base have taken on.

Palin has taken her job seriously: an unflinching attack dog on Obama. McCain is of course running a traditional campaign where the President remains above the fray, while the consolation prize of VP digs down into the Bad Places for scraps that echo among lunch rooms around the impressionable and undecided. There's a lot of question now whether Palin is an asset or liability. Her inexperience and frank stupidity in the national arena makes her immune to the dignity attacks of lowering oneself to personal and flighty attacks.

David Axelrod is on MSNBC reassuring people, which is an interesting tactic in what inevitably will be a tightening race where turnout is vital. But by now the hydrocodone, cabernet, and New Glarus has fuzzed any sort of practical reasoning out into a broad warning and sense of Fear. Stay The Course. The Republicans are still on a sinking ship. The question is whether the Democrat's sinking ship is going down any faster... On November 4th, we're all Ahab seeking to define our struggle over the torn American psyche through the worst and only medium to do so. The American Presidential Election.

Now more than ever it is vital to the security of this nation that each and every one of you do your American duty and report suspicious activities of your strange, different, possibly ethnic neighbors. Become part of America's grassroots police force and Secure Your Prosperity for tomorrow!

It has come to our attention that a local organization has long corrupted our children and disseminated dissent amongst our nation's best young minds.

The Lambs of Abortion are State Criminals! Mind Criminals!

This will not be tolerated! As American Citizens, I am calling on your to commit your duty, to volunteer in the Secure Your Prosperity Task Force. Pick up your Secure Your Prosperity Eagle-for-Christ badge at:

1701 Pearl Street 10
Waukesha, WI 53186

Be sure to let us know that you'll be taking on the members of this viscious terrorist anti-American ring of Mind-of-Christ-criminals this Friday at Cactus Club. Some strange, suspicious "rock and roll" outfits will join them: Droids Attack from the Liberal Safe-Haven of Madison Wisconsin, and Danny Price and the Loose Change whose savage aural trickery may leave you doubting your own Faith.

United We Stand! Secure Your Prosperity!

Yours in Prosperity,
Col. Knox

All these fucking social networking hack-jobs glued together with frozen o-rings spilling liquid rocket fuel onto the platform ready to blast the next fucking American Hope for a Future back into Kingdom Come can all FUCK themselves, sucking on their teenage premature self-loathing dream-tits behind that one pic. Yeah, that's the one, baby. Her wrinkled jowels will win you the money you need to save your house, your soul, your religion. Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it to the DOT! You see, he keeps hanging up?
Pro-Life is here: Bathtub Abortions are Art on VCY. Nick Cave is telling me otherwise. Who do you love?

Now that the CDs are done, I've got two fucking flyers: Strangest Places on August 16th and Lambs of Abortion on August 30th. Two fucking shows that'll get you blown, liquered up, fucked, sodomized weeping openly on the dance floor like you like it. Charles Stanley's legal team is Right on it too - waiting for my one last misstep that'll land me in Hell but we're all one misstep behind him. Keep pushing.

OK.

Taken from practice last Thursday, the Lambs' latest endeavor titled "Day of Reckoning" is up here on myspace, along with all new, more recent recordings of the other songs. The Lambs sincerely hope all enjoyed the great sacrifice made by the collective livers and one guitar that all met the ax on Friday, and hope the lesson was taken home & to heart. Never put salt in your eye. Amen.

For immediate release:

Jasper Valentino Oppenheimer IV was maliciously injured by a suicide hit and run yesterday. There were no clear markings on the white, rusted Monte Carlo that fled the scene but was assumed to be operating blind through praise of Him. The police turned a blind eye, figuring the bloody body of Jasper lying in glass in the street was a good a place as any for a "member of that goddamn awful band."

We've hooked Mr. Oppenheimer IV up to a permanent opiate feed and kept Fox News running in his cheap hotel room where he will most likely die in the next few hours in a dreamlike overdose.

We will be playing Friday, of course, as to satisfy any and all legal obligations.

It's what he would have wanted.

- Col. Knox

I think the Lambs of Abortion should sign up for WAMI. Because nothing says Rock and motherfuckin' Roll like this fucking picture:



A WAMI Holiday Party. An exciting time to gather with your fellow fucking professionals and gain insight into longtime faith healers, safety regulators, and credit card dealers. Take it in. Is this the face of Wisconsin Music? Holy fuck some God, somewhere, is weeping in that dark hole he created all this from. He's thanking someone for inventing the bad mixture of cocaine and heroin, so he can at least enjoy some Jimi Hendrix before some fat white man bought the rights to a soft drink GM commercial rewritten church lyrics campfire childrens songs, while GM shuts down an entire city with poor economic judgement while pumping dollar after dollar into our and their Ameircan Dream. Like bad sex, fucking the pillow, burned on cheap LSD, our secrets unfold before the great realization that the greatness we expected is shot and gone. So it goes. So strap on that fucking guitar and play like it at least means something to someone somewhere, most likely the one person who'll never hear it, but its better than leaving nothing behind except a collection of emotional and financial debt to those American demigods. Those rat bastards will forgive and forget the debt you incur; make them pay for it.

Mostly it tastes like burnt shit and spilled gasoline. The way it should, goddamnit.

The drummer, Mr. Wigglesworth, would like to mention that his recent acquittal on sex-crime charges will not affect his playing on June 6th, and he thanks all the support he received throughout this long trial. We'd also like to thank our relentless trick lawyer James Carville for taking time out of his campaign work to fight for the Lambs. He regrets his outburst directed at the Lambs during the trial, where he screamed "Goddamn you fucking people! You swine!" towards Mr. McWinchester and Mr. Witherball, who were throwing empty beer cans at Carville. He has since seen the error of his ways.

Thank you,
- Manager, Col. Knox.

You ever notice how theMySpace EQ graphic seems to imply that every other measure is one giant bass swell, while the high end drifts lazily up, around, and down the spectrum? What the fuck music is that thing listening to? Michael Bolton on Ecstasy, while 500Hz smokes a fat joint? Couldn't even be bothered to fucking borrow some open-source player, some hacks sitting back on a pile of fucking money and blow watching us all toil with the hacked-together social networking monolith, sucking down the last will and testament of cold fusion.

But that's not what's important right now.

I've got half a bottle of Booker's next to me, balanced carefully next to my sobriety and my strat.

Clinton is desperate to seat those MI and FL delegates at the convention, where she plans to run a high-class old-school screw on Obama at 3:00am, right when Wolf Blitzer cuts back into the second bottle of jack for the evening. Huckabee cracks the ol' assassination joke - the shocker - once that campaign is done, nothin' to do but shoot yourself in the foot at an NRA convention; why not? Fuck em if they can't take a joke. McCain's resigned himself to maintaining an old respectable image he's tried hard to hide while up against Huck, good thing America has a short attentions span and a lot of television. Fast food. Boredom.

Fuck this. I need to play.

Greetings in the name of our risen savior, the lord jesus christ. Amen.

This here is Rev Smitherton Wigglesworth, drummervangelist for the mighty Lambs of Abortion.

....WITH A PRAISE REPORT!!

As you have probably heard, The Lambs ministered to a very receptive crowd this past Friday, the fourth of april at Le Clubbe Anything. Without doubt, the spirit of the lord was upon us as we ushered the presence of god into the venue.

Yea, like a mighty wind did the glorious hand of god pluck our guitar stings, coax soothing words from our larynxes (larynxii?), and genly beat off our drumskins. Like a clanging cymbal, and a sounding gong did the word of the lord sing to the heathen masses.

SOUND THE TRUMPET ON THE MOUNT OF ZION! Yeshua be praised!

Basking in the triumphant afterglow, the individual members of LoA conducted one-on-one and small group fellowships all over the premisis, ministering and reaching out to the unsaved and converts alike, winning over LITERALLY DOZENS of fresh souls to the redeeming grace of The Lambs.

Those that came to lend support to our minstering did a ~fantastic~ job of removing a large quantity of alcohol from the premesis, needless to say those tending the evil alcohol were suprised by how much of the wicked effluent we freed them from! Praise god!

[god’s children do the work of the master by reducing the amount of alcohol available to the throbbing heathen patrons]

During load-out, our praise and worship leader was so overtaken by the presence of YHWH, he was swept off his feet, slain by the spirit, landing miraculously on a 4x12 marshall cabinet, praise god!

[blessed is he who in the name of the lord doeth good works, and is protected by his mighty hand]

--[We shall mount up with wings as eagles and fly above the storm]--

This has happened before, and it shall happen again.

FRIDAY MAY 2ND, 9PM, CLUB ANYTHING, with ALL THE PRETTY HORSES

As usual, we will be having a men’s and women’s prayer luncheon prior to the music ministering. Venue of choice will be Conejitos.

Any frail, vunerable, insecure women in need of healing may sit near me for the laying on of hands. The holy spirit has blessed me with the gift of tongues, so if you are in need, I can be of service in that sensitive area as well.

Please remeber, Conejitos is hot and humid and very uncomfortable if you are wearing too many clothes, so please dress apropriately.

Yours in christ,

Rev Smitherton Wigglesworth