why oh why do you feel so boring?

last  year we were going steady, you actually GAVE me the same love i gave you. now, i feel like i'm just used up, and maybe it's just me or are you seeing someone?

okay, okay... enough beating around the bush - i'll be honest...

I'M the one seeing someone!

shocking, i know. i'm dating a more sophisticated individual, someone who doesn't whore themselves--

what, like i didn't know?! oh come on! i caught you many times whoring yourself out to all my friends - that's right! i KNEW.

that's why i don't feel bad anymore, i'm just going to say it.

it was facebook.

look, it was just a one in a time thing, and i didn't intend to do it again. BUT, since you're yelling at me, i'll just tell you that facebook is the one who is sophisticated --- SHE LISTENS TO ME OKAY?!

it's not like YOU have the time for me anymore... oh come on, don't look at me like that! and stop the mercy-tears, they're not working on me!

look facebook treats me right okay? she calls me when i'm lonely, she hugs me and tells me that everything will be alright. and what have you done?

you've done nothing but sleep around, lazy, and eating all my food. you don't even tell me you love me anymore.

at least facebook does.

facebook is clean, organized, and knows exactly when i want to have movie night with my guy friends! you never did that for me.

she even---

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!

you're kidding me right?

how could you say that?! you're just jealous!

oh come on that's absurd?!

....

.......

.........

wait-are you serious?

wtf is that supposed to mean, she's dating my brother AND my friends?

OMG even MY MOTHER?!

how did you find this out?

i feel like vomiting... i mean, i've come to detest you, but you always were honest with me even if it was selfish motive.

how do you know that she's been the biggest slut in the world?

you're kidding. SHE'S WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH YOU?! oh my gosh i don't know what to say...

so you were the more popular one in high school? and that's what made facebook turn slutty?

yeah but come on, you can't deny the flashiness of your ego, you ALWAYS wanted to attention. oh- so now you're jealous of her getting all the attention?

well serves you right, even if she IS a whore, i don't give a crap. at least she still listens to me!

look - myspace... *sigh*...

it's just not working out with you and i. even if she does get around with my friends, my coworkers, AND my..... family *ick*, at least she is there for me. you give me no feedback darling, and for that i am truly sorry.

look - i'll still check up on you okay, i don't want to say that we can still be "just friends" because that is lame but... i'm going steady with facebook, and that's that.

take care, myspace.

~ esskay

i feel as though everyone and everything is changing around me, and unfortunately most of the time; for the worst.

but maybe i am the one who is changing...

dear all,

it's been quite awhile since i've had a solid blog posting... i HAVE an actual real blog site (http://roboticbydesign.blogspot.com) and it's been awhile since i've posted there too!

i've had so much on my mind in the last several months, and it's been interlaced with stress, excitement, disappointment, and humbling experiences. and how can one not be a little if not a great deal nostalgic of the past year with new years right around the corner?

2008 was a learning experience for me;

1. i summed up my entire 2 years of community college & 3 years of the art institute [hell] in 3 short months; from january to march, and then; graduated.

2. graduation; ah yes - the ever looming fear and excitement of something new around the corner, not knowing where to go next - mixed with confidence in oneself, faith that a new career would start.

3. getting accepted to "say design" - a video game design company in aliso viejo - working two months [from home] with new knowledge of industry standards, how things work, and... betrayal.

4. losing my job, getting shafted on pay - all for the sake of bankruptcy and foolishness on their part. i still haven't gotten paid completely for my near half year i worked there.

5. then add 6 months of no jobs. no nothing. no pay. i was nearly starving if it hadn't been for the lovely ms. Q for helping me out [i am forever in debt - and determined to pay you back!]. losing my job was real hard, because i left a so-so paying job that had solid hours [and worst traffic conditions] of over a year. it wasn't any hard feelings, they knew that say design would treat me good (and nearly designer-entry pay too). but the amount of trust you lose in jobs and careers is definitely weighed in the balance when peoples words don't hold any water. i'm more optimistic than i've ever been, but 2008 has definitely been trials, tribulations, and overall challenges of my patience and more importantly; my art skills and my character. my faith and my attitude has been tested, checked, and stored.

i feel like i've had some success to my friends, family, and my attempts at [nearly] everything i needed, wanted, and strived to get done in one year. i actually had wanted to see the family more and travel more - but with no job, things are stripped from you. i sincerely apologize if my attitude has reflected any angst on my part - it was definitely not intentional.

and among the failed career start-ups, i have the recollection of past words of wisdom from my father and mother and my art teachers at home; "you have to start somewhere" "start small" "designers have to work hard to get where they want to go"... but when the gears start grinding, and you are left with nothing but your words, your attitude, your show, and your appearance - it's hard to really face those quotes and know that they mean infinitely more than your art. they mean to test who you are, what you've learned, and what you're willing to give up.

when i was finally given some freelancing opportunities at iipa (international insitute of photographic arts) - i was so stoked for the chance to get back into art again, and stoked that it was in my girlfriend's family's business. i definitely learned some things about how God tests you with your art, and more imporantly; how He tests how you will work in struggling times. i learned that my attitude wasn't up to par.

when i was finally given some chances to sell little pieces of art here and there [that didn't add up to more than dinner for a night] - those were the little pockets of helping hands that He sent down to me, and it made me realize that i might have to do this awhile until the economy boosts again.

and i'm not the only one; more than a handful of personal friends that are in the design field are rarely happy with what they're doing now - struggling for that "career choice", feeling helpless and lost, and/or not having a job at all. my heart goes out for you - because in the end, even though we're friends and we respect each other, when it comes down to it - we are competition. and that's the hardest. you can't put in a good word for you designer friend at your nice job, without risking sacrificing your own stellar position.

but it's not all competition. it's the melody and harmony of life. nothing new-agish or anything, but this is the song and dance that are grandparents would tell us as we sat upon their knees in the wake of childhoodom;

"when i was you're age i worked for 10 cents an hour or sometimes for free, WHILE walking, running, sprinting, uphill BOTH ways to school - and i never got to sleep, EVAAAR"

that's how i feel - this process in my life is one large trial, a never ending trial to overcome until the dawn of 2009 [thank God it's
tomorrow! ha]. the job i have now is a beautiful one, but beautiful in only so many ways. how many school banners and educational cheeseball slogans can you type before you realize that you're job is a replacement for "creativity"? the pay is mediocre if i'm brutally honest with myself, and the patience is killing me.

so there you have it; a bleak, hopeful, patient yet unpatient, excited, exuberant and enthralling outlook on my world in the design-seat as of post-2008 / pre-2009. it's a mouthful, but i'm very curious as to where it will go? i didn't spend 5 years of my life getting to a status-quo of "ooh ahhh you're such a great designer!" to not go anywhere and not to mention spending nearly $150k on throwing that money in the garbage. some people i know personally have told me to have more patience and be calm in knowing i even have a job. they'll tell me "oh seth, you have to start somewhere!". but the problem is; i've been starting somewhere since the dawn of five years ago. i have all the excitement of a teen at a twilight premiere, and the confidence of getting better at what i do.

so, on the dawn of 2009, where the heck is my freaking stellar design career? where the heck is my flying car and jet pack? where is my robot-mistress and my dream-recorders?

as 2008 slips into the history books,
my new years resolution is to do a few things;

1. get some better art;
i mean lets be honest here - my website isn't anything special, and my designs are hurting. and where the heck is my doodling?

2. focus less on friendships and focus more on what i need to get famous;
call me narcissistic or selfish - but i've done more than my share of communication, and when one gets nothing back in return - it's a little silly that my priorities are in things that don't too much weight.

3. lastly; professionalize esskay;
i have a few plans up my sleeve - but they'll be hidden for now until i can get some solid funding... more on that later.

in all seriousness, i'm looking into 2009 with as much bravery as a flamingo in a herd of rhino's.
i'm very grateful for all the friendships i still have, all the experiences and fun i've had with you guys - thank you [in more ways than i can say, count, or do] for the prayers and money and gifts. let's all go on a roadtrip or something...

but in all seriousness,

i have to be back early to start on those art plans ;).

and no, they aren't of me! well, maybe one or two...
but...

Q and i got back from our trip in boston, ma. as well as salem, and even visiting new hampshire for our fall foilage tour!

thought i'd post some of the newest photos i've uploaded. if you'd like to see more, check back now, or check back within this week - we've got some great shots, even though most of the fall trees were browning in the past two weeks (sad face).

and for those of you who care, thanks a bunch! and those of you who don't; i hope you'll all have an amazing halloween ;)

take care,
esskay

you gotta love her; she's so cute :D

Taken from Jakes Blog:

There's really only one word to describe going backpacking in the Grand Canyon. If you're thinking "Grand," you'd be wrong and also not funny or clever. Speaking of clever, there's this little saying that goes "failing to prepare is preparing to fail." This is good advice when it comes to taking tests or planning a vacation or something, but not when it comes to the governenment, and I'm not referring to certain corporate bail-out plans. I'm talking of course about our National Parks Association or whatever it's called.

They give you two options to hike the Grand Canyon legally:
Option 1: Reserve a permit 9 months in advance
Option 2: Drive up to the Grand Canyon and physically write your name on a walk-in permit waiting list.

To hike illegally in the Grand Canyon, you just show up and hope you don't get caught. This is strikingly similar to the strategy adopted by Mexican border-crossers.

The Grand Canyon doesn't have Border Patrol though, so it's easier to get away with things. Just ask Dan Hoffman. Who's Dan Hoffman? Long story short, he's one of the 3 other guys I went with to the Grand Canyon last week, and he's hurt and he needs your help.

That's why I've created the Save Dan Hoffman Foundation. According to field data reports and eyewitness accounts, Dan is stranded somewhere in the Grand Canyon and here's how it happened:

Our group chose Option 2 and ended up miraculously getting a 2-night permit and awesome trail route after Dan and I accidentally made the nice Park Ranger Lady think we were veteran hikers who had just conquered Mt. Kilaminjaro the day before. So we went from having no plan, to having a great plan, to have it being completely altered.

About a mile into our hike, we realize we're being stalked by a Big Horn Sheep. It keeps appearing on these rock outcroppings, and each time it's closer and has this really territorial look in it's eyes. And then, out of nowhere after we stopped to take some pictures, it comes flying through the air with it's head down and takes Dan out at the knees.

Ryan pulls out his knife, puts the sheep in a headlock and stabs it in the brain with his 10-inch knife (nope that's not some euphemism, he really had this sweet knife!). The sheep and Ryan and Dan scrabble on the rocky terrain and after an indescribably long 15 seconds, it was over: Dan was laying on the trail with a compound fracture, gritting his teeth in pain. Ryan is covered in sheep blood and brains and completely out of breath and the sheep is in a couple pieces, most of which fell over the edge of the canyon. Me and Kevin are eating Clif bars.

We all decide that it's best to try and finish the hike so we can track down the rest of this sheep's tribe and brutally murder them with a vengeance. But first Ryan helped Dan hop back to the rim so he can get some medical attention. Ryan tells him if his knee is feeling better the next day to head down and try to catch up with us for our second day of hiking and sheep killing.

Then, for whatever reason, we take our itinerary and launch it into SPACE and make our own plan: this plan includes camping in the wrong campground both times and hiking out a day early. When we get back to the top at 11 at night, it's cold and Ryan, Kevin and Me are pretty tired. Kevin is so tired he's not even speaking English anymore; instead he's muttering inanities in Armenian. That's understandable since we just hiked 9 miles that day and went up almost a mile in elevation. Ryan's limping, and was also a little pissed off that he didn't get to kill any squirrels with the knife he kept strapped to his hip. And I'm starting to realize that I was in no shape to hike more than a few flights of stairs, let alone the Grand Canyon.

We never did see any more sheep on that hike. But when we get to the top, we're all pretty eager to have Dan come pick us up in the car so we can eat some of the donuts we left in the trunk. And also to see how his leg is doing.

Making a really long story short, we can't get ahold of Dan. His cell phone goes straight to voicemail. After a few phone calls and a talk with some ranger named Bruce, we assume that Dan was either out for a day hike or had decided to try and hike down into the Grand Canyon to meet us.

And that brings us to the Save Dan Hoffman Foundation. No one has heard from, or seen Dan since Ryan helped him limp back to the top of the trail that fateful Sunday, October 5, 2008. So Ryan, Kevin and myself are accepting cash donations so that we can launch a full scale investigation and search for Dan, who is by now either dead or a crazed, injured canyon-dwelling nomad, lost forever in the depths of the largest crack in the world.

Think Sand People from Star Wars.
When we find Dan, we will give him the burial he deserves, or if he's alive, use the money that you send to get him a haircut and a good meal. The main portion of the funds will go toward buying a helicopter so we can fly around and look for him. Factoring in the other rescue gear we'll need, the total amount we need to raise is about $5 Million.

So what I'm asking is for you to look in your heart and ask yourself, what would Dan do? Dan would have given you $5 million if you needed it, because that's what kind of guy he is. Or was.
If you were wondering what word describes backpacking in the Grand Canyon, and haven't figured it out yet, I'll just tell you:

give.

That's all, just give.

And if you're wondering how and when Dan evaded Canyon Police and got around not having a permit... well, you'll just have to donate to our foundation so we can find him.
And if you can't give monetarily, please just say some prayers and know that we will never speak to you again because you obviously don't care THAT much.

"the light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long"

anyone else freaking excited about the upcoming blockbuster [batman dos]: the dark knight?!

gah i can barely contain myself. this is going to be nearly more exciting than the new ironman (which was brilliant). why?

a. we've seen the potential of the director for "batman begins"
b. seeing the debut, our tier of expectation is raised significantly
c. four men; christian bale, heath ledger, aaron eckhart, & michael caine

not to mention, a series of highly-equipped technology, new digital recording, imax recording, well-adapted screenplays, accurate plotting, scary as hell score, and maggie gyllenhaal.

all of these factors make this movie brilliant. some movie buffs argue over plot and possible plot holes. some argue over the criticism of acting. some even more argue over the comparison between past batman movies and their comic book predecessors.

whatever the argument may be, i'm willing to put my faith on the line for this movie. it looks brilliant. heath ledger's performance looks like a keeper; scary, disturbing, even sickening. and that's why this movie is going to rise to the top - mark my words!

let us not compare past movies with this one. jack nicholson was amazing as his part in the joker. but he also wanted a brainstorm/zany character. that "comic" feel that makes you laugh because he's just crazy.



but i believe heath ledger will soil anyone's pants. one look at the grim -80% saturated face with the bright facade of cracked makeup.... would send a chill down any innocent bystander.

and that's what i hope "the dark knight" will make me feel. it would be great to see this movie just freak people out. beyond the amazing gadgets. the amazing vehicles. the techgasm that is batman and his suit.

let us hope that the first batman in movie-history not to have the word "batman" in the titles makes people question the way we look at movies, our experience with them, and that deep down inside... movies are not only for entertainment - but to exceed our suspension of belief.

~esskay

...go this from: "http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2007/05/the_wrong_lessons_of_iraq.html" - and found this piece extremely interesting....

Count Up Your Defenses: We're Narcissists

The primary sustenance of narcissism is control.

Why did the gods punish Prometheus? It wasn't just stealing fire: "I gave humans the illusion they weren't doomed." You think you're in control of your destiny, because you can smoke cigarettes. Well, you're not.

Narcissism is identification without identity. It's making something up and then fighting to the death to maintain it. It's "the zeal of a convert." It's not really you, but boy oh boy don't let anyone tell you that. You'll sacrifice anything-- happiness, money, comfort-- in order to maintain control, to get people to think you are who you say you are. All that matters is people see you how you want to be seen-- even if you're really something else.

There are three ways to protect an empty identity: violence, power, and money.

if you haven't, visit www. apple. com to stream the live video of the WWDC 2008 Keynote presenting the new iphone 2.0 (comes out july 11th i think)...

HOLY CRAP. this is revolutionary.

now, i know you people out there with your nokia's and your trio's...
but once again, your phone is going to be blown away.

it may not be for everyone, but why not? you can't deny the power behind this intense style programming that apple has invented! if you don't believe me, or are skeptical, please watch this video...

apple is going to take the mobile nation (and continue in the "PC" realm) by storm... just look at those apps! and the best part? all you complainers about the the pricing on the iphone?

just $199.

i'm not kidding, go check it out!
am i advertising? sure, i guess.
thrilled? you betcha ;)

<3
esskay