So! Doc was in the kitchen, cookin' up the supper bread

Doc - Tough egg! Why can't you crack?

Loudmouth - He doesn't have the brains!

Dwight - You, here! Let me touch it

So, Doc puts the egg on Dwight's lil' nosey, and it popped open! Not the egg, Dwight's nosey! Out flew the bird

Dwight - Well, you get what you pay for!

Gabby J - Awrk, but a bird in your nose is worth two in a bread!

Doc - Drummy, fetch your net

Drummy - Here we are, I've caught it.

Loudmouth - One-Bird Bread is better than no bread at all!

Drummy - Put it on the Piano Plate

Doc - That's a keeper!

Gabby J - You are a real baker!

Dwight - Let us pray:

Our father, who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive the bird who trespassed into my nosey
And he forgives us for baking him into the bread
And lead us not into Red Lobster
But deliver us to Friday's
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory
Forever and ever, or until the Jack Daniel's Sauce runs out,
Amen.

ITEM: Gabby J spotted at Sheetz on South Main and Waterloo, riding a Razor scooter and smoking a strawberry Black n' Mild

ITEM: Loudmouth still bravely battling a very mild case of gastroenteritis. Donations can be sent care of his mother, who couldn't care less

ITEM: Doc elected "Vatican Bird" by the College of Cardinals. He is only the second human to hold the post, traditionally held by an actual bird, and the first to not even remotely resemble a bird. He is the eighth non-Catholic to hold the position. He was notified via Facebook

ITEM: Drummy travels to Cabo Wabo to rescue Dwight. He finds chicken bones and a 12-inch purple jelly dildo, but no Dwight. He returns to Akron with a life-size Sammy Hagar standee instead

Stay tuned...

ITEM: Houseguest show June 6th @ Musica. With Viva Voce. The attentive Houseguest aficionado will note that we played with them about 7 years ago at the Lime Spider. The situation was the same: we played first and they headlined. It's nice to know things haven't changed that much. Wait, no it isn't.

ITEM: Cavaliers phone it in, Loudmouth dons a Nuggets jersey

ITEM: Doc administers a "Stone-Cold Stunner" to Loudmouth and dons a Lakers jersey

ITEM: Drummy returns from his sabbatical in Bangladesh with a Third Eye and a touch of syphilis

ITEM: Gabby J buys a new Summer wardrobe from Walgreens

ITEM: Dwight marries a mouse in Cabo Wabo, wakes up the next morning in a dumpster

More news as the week continues...

Here is Houseguest, chillaxin' in they mountain hideaway, The Falconry! This is where famous band Houseguest comes to cool their jetz, make their time, and get a little r & r! Loudmouth was in a fix...

Loudmouth - Oh ho, I drank too many of them "cold ones!"

Drummy - You gotta whizzy?

Loudmouth - And how! But...

Doc - Dwight is in that bathroom, he's been filing papers for an hour now!

Drummy - Check up on him!

So Doc goes and bangs on the bathroom door

Doc - Hey you! What it is?

Dwight - Awrk, I am cooked this time, for sure! Forward all my mail to the moon

Doc - He's had it! We won't see hide nor hair of Dwight for a long while!

Loudmouth - I'll piss in the sink!

So Loudmouth goes to the kitchen to tank out, but Gabby J is busy with the supper!

Gabby - Take it outside, old boy! Gotta roast brining in the sink!

Loudmouth - A little wee won't hurt!

Gabby - Nothing doing, Emerald! Go whiz on the rosebushes

Loudmouth - Time to kick it up a notch!

So Loudmouth unzips his trousers and waddles over to the sink! Uh oh! Gabby takes a butcher knife and sticks it in Loudmouth's head

Loudmouth - Oh fuck

Gabby - Shit, well, I done it this time! Band meeting!

The surviving members of Houseguest gather in the dining room.

Gabby - I had done killed our singer.

Doc - Well, I'm going to get vengeance on you

Drummy - That is the Houseguest way! We have alwasy practiced "Jedi Justice!"

Dwight - Gabby, are you okay with this?

Gabby - I want a trial! Call my counsel, Ben Matlock!

And so the band sets up a kangaroo court in the living room, the honorable judge Drummy presiding!

Drummy - Gabby J, you are charged with the murderation of your good friend Loudmouth! How do you plead?

Gabby - No contest!

Doc - Your honor, I move for immediate execution!

Matlock - No objection!

Gabby - What you say?

Matlock - Well, you did it, right?

Drummy - Gabby J, I sentence you to be pickled alive in your famous rump roast brining solution!

Dwight - Let's get this over with! I'm bored

Gabby - You all can egg your pants, I won't do it!

Gabby pulls out an uzi and riddles drummy with hot bullets! The bullets shred up Drummy's mind and his body functions cease!

Doc leaps over the tables and jams his sharpened toothbrush shank in Gabby's eyeball. This is aggravating to Gabby, and he flips out and runs outside, where he trips over a tree root and falls headfirst off the cliff! Smashing into the rocky chasm floor 200 feet below, his head opens up and his jam brain pops out!

Doc - Well, Dwight, we are the only ones left

Dwight - That's okay we can still make Houseguest records

Doc - True. All anybody could ever hear was the guitars, anyway

THE END!

Oh ho! What? Yes, it was Houseguest, famous band, lazing about in their swingin' '50s-style futuristic bachelor pad the day after their big-time rock n' roll gig.

Loudmouth - Oh, it says here in this magazine that they have a new kind of crackers available

Dwight - Is there crackers flavored with soup?

Doc - It wouldn't matter if they were!

Loudmouth - You're missing the point! Who would write an article about crackers?

Doc - You said it! Cancel that subscription

Dwight - Man, I am beat! That was a hard gig we played last night!

Doc - That was indeed some "deep giggin'"

Loudmouth - Uh oh... did we pack up all the gig bags?

Doc - Aw, Gabby J and Drummy went to go get them.

And so Drummy and Gabby J return to the 'partment bearing the crucial gig bags

Gabby J - You should have seen it! There was this broad outside of the club, she was really something!

Drummy - A different kind of tail, you bet! I ain't seen something like that in this town, before!

Doc - Keep talking! She had it, eh?

Gabby J - All of it!

Drummy - And she can keep it! She had turned feet!

Gabby J - How now?

Drummy - You hear me!

Loudmouth - Turned feet? Turned out?

Drummy - Turned IN! Walked like a goofus. I won't have it

Dwight - Hey, you'd be lucky to get a date with a whistle pig!

Drummy - Chalk that up on the big board, but mark this underneath: I won't never be seen with no goofy, turned-in foot broad!

Doc - Take a walk, Drummy! You got a hot head.

Gabby J - Stop off at the kitchen store, we are out of cookware

Loudmouth - How did we go out of it?

Doc - Drummy had replaced his drums with pots!

Dwight - Haw, that's why it  sounds like that!

Drummy - You all kin go to Hell! I'm sick of your cutting up all the time.

Loudmouth - Poor Drummy!

Gabby J - Get outta here, Drummy! Come back when you can take a little ball-busting!

And so Drummy left in a huff, he was hopping mad! They had burned him but good, and now he had to cool off. He decided to go to the kitchen store and practice drums.

So here was Drummy in Williams-Sonoma, banging out a raga on the T-Fal!

Bobby Hoots - Oh, mister! you cannot do that! Get a life

Drummy - Fuck off, peanut! I'll do what!

Bobby Hoots - I called the cops. You are toast for sure

So Drummy ran away, ran all the way to Lentine's. He bought a brand-new "Thomas Thomas" and took it back to Houseguest HQ.

Doc - Lookit that new drum!

Gabby J - Looks like a fine one

Dwight - Big n' deep!

Drummy - We can play a lot of "gigs" with this drum, I'll warrant!

Loudmouth - Take off that "drum head!"

They made Taco Soup in the drum, inside of the drum! Whatta crack-up!

THE END

So, it was famous band HOUSEGUEST had gotten invited to the INAUGURAL BALL for President Obama. He had brought them to play their songs because they are his favorite musical groups!

Loudmouth - I want y'alls on your best behavior tonight! No cutting up out there! These are high-society folk!

Gabby J - Oh, put a sock in it! You always think you're so

Loudmouth - Awrk, but I won't have you acting like hoi-polloi! Put on your tuxedos!

So Houseguest changes into their famous tuxedos, all with matching hot pink cummerbunds. They are really showing how it is done!

Doc - Oh, this tuxedo itches! It will make my skin pink and hurt! I need the LOTION

Dwight - Hmmm, I saw some over yonder in that bathroom

Doc - Whichun, you say?

Dwight - The one marked "President"

Doc - Okay, I'll see

Drummy - Hey guys, there is SCAMPI and GOAT CHEESE on that hors d'oeuvres table!

Gabby J - Yucky, I won't eat it

Loudmouth - Oh, you had better! Don't start asking the waiters for pizza rolls like you did at the Nobel Prize Ceremony! That was very embarrassing

Gabby J - Piss on it! I know what I like! I bet Captain O'Strong or whatever his name is likes pizza rolls!

Loudmouth - Obama! Obama! Not "O'Strong!" And he isn't a captain, he's your president!

Drummy - What about that poem, "O Captain, My Captain!"

Dwight - He's right! That's about Gabe Lincoln!

Drummy - Hey! Gabe Lincoln!

Gabby J - You're right, my namesake! He freed the slaves so that all men could have pizza rolls!

Loudmouth - Alright, first off, it's ABE Lincoln, and they didn't even HAVE pizza rolls when--

Drummy - Where did DOC go?

Dwight - He went to use that president's lotion

Loudmouth - Oh no!

Meanwhile... in the President's bathroom:

Doc - Now, where is that LOTION?

President Obama - You need lotion for your tender pink skin?

Doc - Oh, who let you in?

President Obama - I am Barack Obama. Do you not watch TV much?

Doc - Oh, you? I voted for Spuds McKenzie

President Obama - Me too. Here is some LOTION

Barack Obama proceeds to lovingly apply lotion to Doc's tender skin. Suddenly, the rest of Houseguest burst through the door!

President Obama - Oh, it is all of Houseguest here at last! Play your song about me!

Gabby J - We don't have one!

President Obama - Captain's Things!

Doc - That's about you?

Gabby J - Do you like pizza rolls?

President Obama - I'm a fucking human being, aren't I?

Drummy - Mr. Bombo, I spilled your champagne!

President Obama - That's okay, we have more

Drummy - No, I mean I really spilled your champagne. All of it!

President Obama - Oh, I see... well...

Dwight - What's happening here? You are putting lotion on a grown man?

President Obama - He was itchy!

Loudmouth - Well, stop that! Listen, we got a problem out there! There's no more champagne, and Gabby J tricked the chef into changing the whole menu!

President Obama - What are we eating?

Gabby J - Pizza rolls, hot dogs with cut-up hot dogs on them, and taco pizza!

President Obama - Gabby J, I am appointing you head White House chef!

Gabby J - Wow!

Dwight - I'll run down to the BAHO and pick up some Steel Reserve!

President Obama - Uh, if you don't mind, maybe we could, you know, get something else, instead... Steel Reserve might, uhm, give people a weird impression...

Dwight - Mike's Hard Lemonade?

President Obama - Now we're TALKIN'!

And so the Inaugural Ball went off without a hitch, and the Mike's Hard Lemonade flowed like the blood at Antietam, and the President and Drummy disappeared around 2 AM and returned with a dozen Crave Cases, and famous band Houseguest made those Capitol Hill nerds dance until the cock crowed twice and the sun breached the wintry horizon...

The End.

Hello! It is another Houseguest "Choose Your Own Adventure" tale! Enjoy yourselves

So, it was famous guitar brothers Doc and Dwight tinkering in their CHOP SHOP. They are famous guitar brothers, but also famous hot rod artists! You might recall Houseguest's classic RAT FINK HOT ROD? They built that

Doc - Oh, Dwight! I have a new idea for a hard vehicle, it is

Dwight - What is it called?

Doc - A MONSTER TRUCK

Dwight - That's tough to think about. Well, we will begin on that project now

Here comes Loudmouth, he is pissy!

Loudmouth - Hey buddies! I am trying to sleep, why are you making that noise?

Doc - We are working on our hard new vehicle, Monster Truck

IF YOU THINK LOUDMOUTH LIKES THIS IDEA, SCROLL DOWN TO OPTION A. IF YOU THINK HE IS MAD AND FLIPS OUT, SCROLL TO OPTION B.

A) Loudmouth is axcited!

Loudmouth - Well, that sounds like a good car. I will sleep later, I guess

Dwight - Thank you for understanding

Doc - Love you!

Loudmouth - Love you too, buddy!

B) Loudmouth gets angry!

Loudmouth - Egg on you, I'm pissed! I need my sleep

Dwight - Fuck you, nerd, please sleep some other time, let us finish

Loudmouth - You make a lot of sense. I will go mow the lawn

Doc - Love you!

Loudmouth - Love you too, buddy!

So Dwight and Doc build a Monster Truck out of a 1991 Honda CRV. It has tires slightly larger than normal tires, and an exposed engine. Also, they wrote "Pussy Blaster" on the hood and the car is painted green, with red for the letters.

Doc - This is weird

Dwight - What you are?

Doc - The Monster Truck is not as big as I thought. It is too small

Dwight - Really? I think it's huge. it's only got two seats, that's pretty big!

Doc - Oh, well, I wish the tires were bigger

Dwight - They are from my dad's pickup truck, they are the biggest tires I have ever laid eyes on.

In walks Gabby J, bass artist

Gabby J - Oh, you made a small car and painted it green. That's a cool idea

Dwight - See? The monster truck is too small

Gabby J - Oh, that's a monster truck? Wow, it's pretty big!

Doc - See?

Dwight - See what? Are you both lost your mind?

IF YOU WANT DWIGHT TO FLIP OUT AND LOSE IT, SCROLL DOWN TO OPTION A. IF YOU WANT DWIGHT TO LOSE HIS SHIT AND FLIP OUT, SCROLL DOWN TO OPTION B.

A) Dwight flips out!

Dwight - This monster truck blows. I am going to cut it into chunks

Doc - Okay, I wish you wouldn't do that

Gabby J - Why don't we drive it to Big Head's house, and fuck with him for a little?

Dwight - Then can we take apart car?

Doc - Okay

So they go over to Big Head's house. Big Head is playing in the yard with his pet PIG.

Doc - Haw haw! Lookit that pig yonder!

Dwight - Hey Big Head! How you like my Monster Truck?

Big Head - It's the biggest one I know of!

Dwight - I have had it! What is so big about this Monster Truck?

Here comes Loudmouth!

Loudmouth - Boys! I got a letter from Drummy! He and his wife are dead now and they miss you very much!

Doc - Well, at least we have Big Head!

Loudmouth - Whoa-ho! Is that the Monster Truck? That is huge!

Dwight - Oh, brother!

THE END.

IF YOU WONDER WHERE DRUMMY WAS, SCROLL DOWN TO OPTION C. IF YOU DON'T CARE, FORGET IT.

B) Dwight loses his shit! He grabs a blowtorch and starts messing up the "Pussy Blaster" logo, Doc tries to stop him and the blowtorch causes Doc's head to get hot! Doc trips on a tube and he bumps his head into the car, out comes jam!

Gabby J - Oh, Doc is toast, but you'll better step off

Dwight - You and Dad's Army!

So Dwight throws the blowtorch at Gabby's face, but Gabby ducks and the blowtorch explodes on the car. Now the whole shop is on fire, and Dwight's leg is caught in a tube.

Gabby J - I'll be back to collect your gold fillings. See you in Hell!

The shop burns to the ground, so Dwight dies in the fire. And Doc was already dead from his brain becoming jam and getting all over. This sucks, but that's how it is.

Loudmouth and Gabby J started a business selling clay to the elderly. They made millions. Where was Drummy?

THE END.

C) So, Drummy is in Europe with his wife, Margaret. They decided to go on one last big trip together before fulfilling their suicide pact.

Margaret - Oh, Drummy! Isn't the EUROPE beautiful?

Drummy - Yes, my lady love! Look at that CASTLE

Margaret - Oh, it is beautiful! And what about that SMALL CAR

Drummy - Only in Europe! But see here! Nothing is more beautiful to me than that EIFFEL TOWER

Margaret - Is it the most beautiful thing of all?

Drummy - Not by a longshot, you old cow! Feast your eyes upon that HIPPOPOTAMUS

Margaret - Oh me, oh my! What a beautiful creature! Almost as beautiful as that AZTEC PYRAMID

Drummy - Or how about that ROLLERCOASTER

Margaret - I like the STATUE OF DENG XIAOPING

Drummy - 100 years without change!

Margaret - Oh, look! A HELICOPTER

Drummy - Whimsical whirlibird! What a country, this Europe!

Margaret - I love Europe! Especially the TACOS

Drummy - And I love you!

Margaret - Let's never die!

Drummy - Until tomorrow!

Margaret - That's what I meant!

THE END.


 

Vote for Houseguest for "Best Indie/Underground" on clevelandscene.com!

Do NOT vote for Hot Cha Cha! They are our RIVALS

Also vote for Houseguest drummy STEVE CLEMENTS for "Best Keyboardist!" He should have been nominated for "Best Drummy," but, oh well!

And vote for Patrick Carney for "Best Drummy!" You know, because, like, he's working real hard and he needs your help! You'll make it someday, buddy! Keep trying.

So, everyone! How's your news? Here it is!

Houseguest has been very not busy/grouchy since their fall tour got canceled because a bunch of clubs decided we were gay and didn't want us to play there. Fight homophobia!

Ok, but now things are getting interesting. No, we are not famous and likely won't ever be, but that's because we write songs that are apparently hard for people outside of Ohio and Tennessee to understand! But in Ohio and Tennessee, we are like unto minor Gods! So, we are going to exclusively tour in those states from now on. Well, we might go back to the beach, too.

And we got our picture in Rolling Stone this week, and a nice write-up in Alternative Press last month, so that's all very good.

Also, we promise from now on that our shows will be more like they used to be: fun, and not depressing train wrecks. Still train wrecks, just not sad ones! Sure, we are getting on in years, and maybe we don't have that youthful spark in our tired eyes anymore, but we are still fun to hang out with! When we're all together, that is. Separately, we're all a total drag. Especially me, because I am a nervous wreck and my biological clock is ticking away at an alarming rate! Somebody find me a verdant womb into which I can deposit my noble viscosity! PRONTO! Daddy needs a BABY!

But seriously, the next Houseguest show is going to be a return to the goofy crack-me-ups of yesteryear. We tried getting serious for a second, and somehow that made us play WORSE, and not have any fun. So, fuck that shit! We're done trying to be millionaires! We might even try that whole "Wheel of Songs" idea we had a few years back. What's that? Don't worry about it!

Really, we still love you all, and love each other very much, and we want you all to remember to love everybody and enjoy everything all the time!

2009: The year of fun and goof-ups!

And our new record is still out, and is very good, and you should buy it!

love,
Teddy

Hello!  here's all the info you need about Houseguest this fall!

Our new CD, "Welcome, All That's Difficult" is due to come upon you on october 28th!

We will be having a "Compact Disc Release Party" on october 24th at Thursday's Lounge in Akron!  There will be more details about this to come.  We think Machine Go Boom is going to play with us!  And a band called As If!  I drunkenly talked at one of them once at a bar, and they were freaked out!  But they're a good band. 

We don't have many shows lined up right now, but we're waiting to get our Fall tour dates, so check back.  If all goes according to plan, we'll be playing somewhere near every single one of you at some point in the next year, so you've been warned.  Drummy bought a van and everything!  We're going to earn these tattoos we all got that say "Road Dawgs"!

we'll keep you posted!  Chow up!

hosegust