Fact you didn't know:
I have like literally thousands of songs/poems.
And heres your serving of the truth.

___666___
By: Amor Hilton

Don't you remember,
We said we'd be with each other forever.
Take another line, I'm feeling better.
So were never gonna be together?

I guess this is how it feels to miss some body.
When you can still smell their scent on your skin.
& you haven't seen them in weeks...
months, days have gone and passed.
I miss waking up to you in the morning.
I miss your blue eyes;
And everything else even though it was all a lie.
I need you always.
But I still try to fix the pieces you left me in.
And I'll continue to mend the condition
I constantly find myself in.
I'm home sick from your arms again.

Flick Flick, there's my lighter again.
I can't deal with the stress you leave me in.
Everytime you swear that it'll be different,
I'm just in this black hole again.
You watched me fall on solid ground-
You didn't help me, let me down.
The toxins that poison you, drag you down.
You watch life start to become a daze,
and I'm still tripping over myself in this maze-
Maze of trying to figure out if still being in
love with you is wrong or right...
But I'm still home sick from your arms tonight.

Bang Bang, hand grenade at my heart again,
I can't deal with this anxiety that you put me in.
And yet again you say this'll be different.
I look at our pictures and its repetitive,
Well darling look what a mess it turns me into.
When all I can think about and worry about is you-
Watching you fall and theres nothing I can do.
Except hope to god the dark angels that taunt you,
at least watch over you...

You'll be my only love until I die-
I still wish I was in your arms tonight.

Happiness is seeing the person that keeps you up all night, smiling at you.
It's falling asleep in some ones arms, and as your half conscious he
whispers, "Your the most beautiful girl in the entire world".
It's waking up to a soul thats equally as strange and screwy as you are.
And laying on a chest that produces a heart beat that collides with yours.

That's lovely, but true happiness is music that can effect your mood
and effect your life. Music that inspires you, that soothes you,
that makes you want to drink, that reminds you of the good times
and bad times.Voices were created for lies, truths, opinions, remarks
and questions- but foremost, I believe voice was created for song.

Music is so powerful that it can bring a person to tears, or to they're feet-
to a vodka bottle or to memories. And the funny part, is what else can also
do that equally as strong, is Love.

Music is Love.

xo,
AH

UPDATE: Sorry for the drugzzzz hahaha

I know it seems pretty stupid to say I'm moarning over
the baby I never even held before. But John would hold
my stomach and kiss baby good night, and talk to him...

Even though we already had his name, we always referred
to it as 'baby'. Not 'the baby'. Just 'baby'. Probably would have
turned out to be its name in the end anyways....

My mom warned me ahead of time that miscarriages are really
common in our family,  but I still carried faith in baby.
I figured, since it wasn't even born yet, if anything were to happen
I'd not be hurt or crushed or anything. But in reality, its just
the complete opposite. I am so devestated entirely, I am so
hurt and I feel so empty. The last time I saw baby on the screen
he had fingers. Fucking fingers. I spent so much time reading
about pregnancy and making it the best experience possible,
I spend hours at book stores looking up names and myths
(like you assholes giving me shit for smoking, when its super
rare that it puts a complication in pregnancies.)

I am just so dead and empty. I can't pull myself together.
Every time I think about it I fall back to stage one again.
I'm like tearing up writing this its completely ridiculous.

I can't even keep writing this, I can't right now.
Just thank you for the really sweet support because I really
really need it. And for the people who doubt my word,
and doubt the actual event that occured can go burn in hell.

My baby is dead, thats not something to fucking lie about.
Anyone who would lie about something like that is fucking SICK.

Thank you to all those who have stayed by my side during this
time and through however long the time being may be.
Keep baby in your prayers for me.

Rest in peace baby. 4 months unborn.

I don’t usually have the energy (nor time)
to really tell the people in my life how important
they really are to me. Even people I haven’t seen
in the longest time- I think about every single day,
that I keep with me in my heart through everything.

I hate looking back on the past, as it just gets really
heart breaking to think, "wow all these are, are memories."
Never to happen or be lived over again.
& then I wish I made the complete most of it at the time
because little did I know, those would of been THE
best times of my whole life, and the most fond memories.

Meesh (My momma)
Growing up with her was obviously the hardest thing in the world,
but once your an adult you really realize the bad times just
made the most recent wonderful times, as wonderful as they are.
Mischa is the most beautiful woman, stronger than any man,
more intelligent than any doctor, most tasteful and definently
most fun to do virtually ANYTHING with. She has the greatest
humor, the greatest laugh- and knows how to stand her own ground.

Any man she gives the time of day to hopefully knows they
are fucking lucky as fuck to even be in her presence.
We have soo many crazy inside jokes, and they just add up weekly.
I’m so happy she only lives 2 miles away. hahaha I couldn’t survive without her.
Shes less of a mom, and more of a best friend or sister.
Theres nothing in my life she doesn’t know about or support;
& its great to know friends come and go, but this best friend is for life.
I love you.



Johnathon
To be honest, I never knew that ONE DAY of him being
my modeling partner on some random photoshoot
would of led to what we are/have been.
haha, I remember being like "IF THIS KID TRIES ANYTHING
SLEEZY, I’M NOT FALLING FOR IT. NOPE. NO WAY."
hahaha. Two weeks later we’re in Vegas together kicking
a group of scene kids’ asses. Oh it is love.

When I found out I was pregnant I was like FUCK,
being in fear I would end up alone or screwed over.
But he has way past proven to me he is in this for the long run.
He is a very strong person, he is beautiful in so many ways.
He’s heard (along with the rest of the world) the oh so many reasons
as to why my love is so strong for him, so need I say more?
Except he is my partner for life, hes my best friend.
We have so many laughs together and so many good times.
I know he tries so hard to make me happy and keep us strong.
Even the little things he does; long hugs, cuddling, drives to nowhere;
mean so much to me, and I am so lucky to have met the man
I am going to be with for the rest of my life.
I’m keeping you forever & for always. < 3
I love you (most).

King Cotton (my grandpa<3)
I’m so lame that I can’t talk about my grandpa without
getting super sensitive and teary haha.
It really is ridiculous how much I love my papa.

He has the dirtiest sense of humor, dirtiest lyrics,
dirtiest music, dirtiest posters haha but he is none of the less
such a god damn character. I’m not even related to him by blood
but I have all the traits he does. A great sense of humor,
musically talented and tasteful... Overly opinionated.

Hes in all honesty the only person I care about impressing.
Disappointing him is my worst fear, I try my hardest in everything
because I just want to make him proud of me.
No matter how grown up I am, I still feel like his little girl forever
thats up on stage with him singing and dancing around in little
outfits haha. I could give two fucks about what anyone else thinks
(learned that from him, might I add) except for him.

He’s the only man in my life whos there till the end of time.
He’s such a bad ass, but I know under neath it all hes
a teddy bear, although he’ll never admit that.
He’s my life, I love him. I wouldn’t be able to live without him.



Eden
hahaha at that picture ^.
But anyways, Eden IS my brother and bestness.
Everytime we’re around each other we just come up with
the most random shit, and basically laugh the entire time.
Theres no relationship like family relationships.
Theres never a dull moment when we’re around each other.

We have more memories than 200 bottles of Vodka could fill.
We’ve definently grew up together and I know no matter
what direction we turn into; the laughs & pointless videos/pictures
will never end.
PS: Eden if your reading this... UTILITY BELT!



Avi(ously)
Avi Avi Avi. Avii. Avi(ously). Avi (VIP). Winnie The Pooh.
Its hard to begin off this short but eventually be meaningful paragraph;
& chances are you’ll never read this so let’s see...

In all honesty Avi, you get the longest thing on here
because I can’t recall any other person I have so many fond
memories with; & I cannot recall any other person who gave me
the gift of true stability in my life. I never recieved that gift from
ANY family member or any other friend in this universe.
And I’ll probably never find that again.

I met you on... MYSPAZZEE!! umm... jesus, like 3 years ago?
I was some stupid hollister girl with a lame layout, that you
some how came across and became infactuated with.
And you asked me how I did it. And I tried giving you a hardcore
nerdy explination and you didn’t get it. & then we ended up just
talking till the message had like 20,000 RE:RE:RE:RE:’s in it.
"These RE:’s are hurting my eyes, do you have AIM?"

And then BAM! Amor&Avi were born. We met up 2 days after
we started talking; I mean it was totally obvious that our connection
in any type of terms was off the wall. Everything was in common,
 (only you lived in Beverly Hills) & the first day we hung out with
my friends and your friends, it felt like we had hung out a thousand times.
We met up at SHERMAN OAKS GALLERIA (OMGZ!(%&%^!)  and
than just went exploring until like 9 or 10 at night around town.
It was your first visitation to the valley. hahaha

That year for my birthday, you treated me to Cheese Cake Factory
at The Grove, & did all sorts of random stuff. And I thought it was so
cool you planned out my whole night for me & our friends-
That was possibly the best birthday I ever had.

We totally owned Prom at Beverly High, definently most trendy haha
Oh and Club Pearl! & Beverly Center!

Everytime I was drunk & nuts ( in woodland hills most of the time)
you’d drive ALL the way from Beverly to come make sure I wasn’t
doing anything that stupid- You were the defintion of the most true
friend and anything for that matter; the only consistent person
that stayed ground stuck in my life, and never left me.
You were one of the only stable shoulders I had to lean on,
& the only person I trusted with anything I had to say.
You saved me from that crazy skitz/bipolar/torettes kid,
and weather you’ll ever know it or not, you saved me from me.

You made me who I am today, and thank you so much for that.
I think about you every day & I hope life in Israel is if anything
MORE wonderful and safe than it is out here. I’m waiting for you to
come back with complete open arms and I have an open door
for you to run back into my life whenever you want.
We have sooo much to catch up on, and I miss you terribly buddy.

This is not the end of our stories.






Kent (Always KAY MONEY though)
OHHHHH Kent. What a fucking wild ass rollercoaster
the last (almost 3 years) has been. Wow wow.
We go through these phases where we just stop talking
and then start talking, and than make plans and never do it.

But in case you haven’t noticed, I’ll never actually let us lose touch.
I don’t fucking know AT ALL how you’ve put up with my ass for such
a long time. I know you know we’re friends but I don’t think you really
know how important to me you are. You’ve taught alot to me about life,
about reality and living outside a fantasy world.
You are certainly a hero to me in so many ways, and even though
I only see you like twice a year (if that) anymore, nothing will
every change how I think of you. You’ve begun to just move
further and further and further away but no distance can
REALLY stop  my friendship with you.

Remember what  big deal it was when AMOR VIP and KAY MONEY
from MYCRIB.NET met in person?! hahaha
Oh, and El Monte kickback; me waking up on the floor
of your car in Orange County? I was like wtf. Funny thing is
I don’t even remember how we got there. & Jackass 2.
And downtown Burbank & 50’s cafe.

I’ve watched you grow
in just a matter of practically 3 years- its funny how 3 years
can change one person. The person you are today compared to
back then is crazy different. You’ve grown into a handsome,
independent, fun, intelligent, and above all else; STRONG person.
I’ve watched you become stronger with every ounce of pain
you take and I am so proud of the person you’ve become.
You’ve done alot for me & I’ll never get over how proud you make me.
Don’t everrrrrrrrr ever ever change.

Saint Clic(erette)
haha Clic your so out of this world.
If I never met you, I could honestly say that I would have
never discovered the side to me that I am today.
I would have been stuck at being vitally unhappy with who I am,
and being frustrated with not being who I want to be.

You opened up a door for me, to where it was like,
"okay, its O.K to open up its O.K to not be a clone,
its O.K to express yourself,"

If it weren’t for you being in my life, I’d of never learned
what it was to confine in myself, and discover who I truly was.
Which certainly wasn’t some Abercrombie model clone,
or preppy ass look-a-like of pretty much everybody else.
Alot of people don’t understand you, but we definently understand
each other. We never fight, hardly argue, its the perfect friendship
and perfect business partnership.

Thank you for always being there :)

______________________________


Friends come & go... but these are the only people
who have ever stuck by my side through thick & thin.
Thank you guys < 3

I came to the conclusion last night...
In the mids of crying my eyes out
for the very last time...

I think for one of the very rare times
in my timing on this internet world...
I’ll be incredibly honest with all reading right now.
The dark (and quite frankley, the truth
that I’ve hidden for such a long long time.)

I’m a fraud.
I just got asked to possibly do a campaign
for "Stop The Hurt" based on Women’s self-
esteem issues. And at first... I was kind
of thinking, "by me doing this... that whole
image I built to all those girls is going to
finally be unconvered as a lie.’
The whole god damned thing.

Here is the truth. & nothing but the truth.
Most of this was my introduction letter
to the CEO of Stop The Hurt.

"I preach words of wisdom to thousands
of young girls around the world.
I speak words of which my higher,
I-need-to-be-a-rolemodel- state
sets in. As much as I force myself to
believe and think that its all true and
as much as I try to convince the world
that this is what I live by... Its not,"
I write to Kristen (CEO of Stop The Hurt).

The opinons... that I personally stand
by such as bisexuality, or racism- I actually
mean, that is all my true self. But the one
thing I try to preach to so many thousands
of people; especially with my own past
campaign such as "I Have No Shame"
Is,
"Love Yourself; Be Yourself; You were
made special, appreciate every flaw
and every talent as well."

The shamefull truth is that (if your
a frequent reader of my writings, you
know this by now) I struggled most of
my younger years with Anorexia.

The girl that you idolize, cries herself
to sleep almost nightly because I have
not an ounce of self esteem. I hate all of
my pictures, I hate looking in the mirror.
I’ve NEVER felt pretty ’ENOUGH’ or anyone
or anything. But above all else... its not
what anyone else thinks. Its what you as
a person think. Its personal and private.

The sad truth is that no matter how many
times John holds me and can look me in the
eyes and tell me how beautiful he thinks I am...
I’ll never believe it.

I feel like such a fake because I think,
"If I cant be strong on my own terms,
I’ll be strong and wise for other people.
To better someone else’s life."

I put everybody before myself only because
its that I really don’t have any love for
myself. I totally respect myself but I can’t
come to love myself.

I have such a bag of issues and to be
honest i feel like a failure and front
to all of you. I just don’t find it fair
that I can’t find the beauty in myself
that (supposidly) i recieve daily...
But yet I preach to all of you that
its wrong to not love yourself and
appreciate yourself?

I just wanted to tell you guys the truth.
And I will work on my issues according
to time and etc. You know what I live by
though, "Nobody is perfect". I hope
this blog just furthers the point that
there is nobody perfect out there no matter
what they’re front or mask is.

Perfection doesn’t exist.
I would know first hand.
I’m the original Perfection Disaster.

I hope all of you kids out there learn to
love and appreciate yourselfs on your own terms.
Without my words of wisdom, without my series
of advice- without ANYBODYS for that matter...
 I hope you set out in the world
and can be independent enough to teach yourself
to love you for who you are and what you are.
I pray none of you will ever cry yourself to sleep
or listen to a word anybody says to bring you down.

Be strong, Be you, Be beautiful...
I know that I’m working on it too.

-A.H

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