Maintenance and More Maintenance

Maybe it’s just this time of year, but it seems like everything needs maintenance. The house constantly requires maintenance and cleaning, etc. My vehicles need maintenance, oil changes, cleaning, etc. The yard of course needs a lot of maintenance these days. I am currently in the middle of mulching the flower beds, but I didn’t really realize how much mulch is required for that. I am about half way through I think. Of course, yardwork is a challenge with Simon around. He tends to dig up the mulch, carry off any plants I am “trying” to plant and he even stole the cap thing from the weedeater.  But he has a lot of fun and I think he just likes to be involved with whatever it is we are doing. I try to include him in most things. He usually rides along with me when I take the kids to school and when I pick them up. I took him to Ben’s baseball practice the other day and took him to Elizabeth’s softball game last night. He is really well-behaved. He was super excited at first to be around all of the people and other dogs but once the game started he sat right there in the bleachers and watched the game. I wish my boys had that kind of attention span. The best thing about Simon, I think, is that he is a sweetheart. I don’t have to worry about him growling or biting anyone or attacking other dogs. Everyone just loves him.

But, even dogs require maintenance. You have to take them to the vet, take them to the groomer, etc.  Really, anything you have in life requires maintenance.

You, yourself require maintenance. Women seem to require more than men, unfortunately. A lot of it is, I hate to admit, self-inflicted. Men are more minimalistic in their approach. I mean, everyone needs to go to the doctor for yearly check-ups, the dentist every 6 months, etc. Women also have to add yearly check-ups at the gynecologist, 4-6 week hair appointments, weekly nail appointments, etc. I was thinking about all of the “extra” self-maintenance stuff that I do. Weekly manicures and pedicures, monthly facials and dermafile every 6 weeks, laser hair removal treatments, eyebrow waxing every 4 weeks, tanning, massages every month, aquapolish body treatments every 3 months, teeth-whitening treatments monthly, not to mention all of the daily routine stuff such as skincare and haircare and I’m sure a few other minor things I can’t think of right now. I’m sure some guys (so-called metrosexuals) do some of the same things, but most guys probably only do the basic stuff, if that.

I know that a lot of the stuff I do is probably considered optional, but in a way maybe not. I believe in investing in myself. I believe that you only have one you and that you should take the best care of yourself that you can. All of these things make me feel better about myself and I think make me a more pleasant person to be around. I think that you have to take pride in yourself just like you take pride in your home, your work, anything important to you really. I see people all of the time who seem to have really just given up on themselves. I hope that I never do that. I hope that I can be like Bill’s 101 year old grandmother. She still gets her hair done, gets her nails done and takes care with her makeup and appearance. I think that once you give up on that kind of stuff, it’s all downhill from there.  The sad thing is that I see people much younger than I am who seem to have already given up or just don’t care about their appearance. I really don’t get that, but if they are happy I guess that’s ok for them. But, like it or not, your appearance can effect a lot of things in your life.  Sometimes, that first impression is all that some people every get from you. You may not get considered for that promotion at work, etc. Appearance isn’t everything, but you need to work with what you have. I guess what I am trying to say is that I really try to tell my kids that it is important for them to look their best. Like it or not, that is the way this world works, for the most part.

All of this maintenance stuff keeps me busy, but maybe that’s not such a bad thing. You get out of things what you invest. All of the things that I have to maintain are important to me. My kids, my relationship with Jason, my dog (soon to be another dog J), my house, my vehicles, my career, etc. But even though some of the material things are admittedly important to me, it’s the relationships that are most important.  It seems like a juggling act at times, but it definitely keeps things interesting.

“A thing of beauty is a joy forever. Its loveliness increases; it will never pass into nothingness; but still will keep. A bower for us, and a sleep full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.”

-       John Keats

Cat People vs. Dog People? How do you know you are in love? And other musings that keep me up late…

I have wondered what makes someone a cat person and what makes a someone a dog person and then what makes some people both? I am a self-professed dog person. We had cats on the farm, but they were mainly feral. I can admire the beauty of some cats, not those hairless, ugly ones and I’m sorry but those calico and himalyan cats are just not that pretty. Russian Blues are probably the only type of cat I could tolerate if I so chose to go that route in pet ownership. Only because they are truly beautiful and regal looking.  The thing about cats that I have observed is that most seem moody, high maintenance and somewhat anti-social. I mean, why would I want a mini version of myself in the form of a cat? I already have my daughter, Elizabeth to fill that position. Sometimes I wonder how the boys put up with us…

I know the arguments from “cat people”. That cats are more intelligent, more discriminate, etc. Well, is that really true? I have to go with the theory that cats and dogs probably need to be judge in a similar way that humans should be.  It is all based on the individual. Some cats are very intelligent and so are some dogs. But I am sure that there are some dumbass cats out there as well as dumbass dogs, as well as dumbass humans. My dog, Simon is very intelligent. Sometimes, it is almost scary how really smart that boy is. Of course, he is the best dog in the entire world and I am of course biased, but nonetheless. 

My main problem with cats is that they are sneaky. One of my friends has cats and I know for a fact that they jump up on her kitchen counters when she leaves the room. I’ve seen them do it. Maybe I am weird about that, but I do not like the idea of cat hair near or on my food. I have a co-worker who is supposedly a very good cook and everyone just raves about things she brings in, especially her homemade cheesecakes. But, I will never know, because I cannot bring myself to eat anything from her kitchen – she has 4 cats. One thing I can say about Simon is that he is very up front about what he does. There is no sneaking around with him and I don’t have to worry about him jumping up on the counters.

Dogs just seem so much more loveable. Simon is always happy to see me when I get home. He is a happy soul and very active. He has been such a great addition to our family. The kids sometimes smother him with love, but he doesn’t seem to mind it at all. I have a feeling that a cat could care less about that sort of thing.

It is also funny to me how most men do not like cats whatsoever.  My dad has nothing whatsoever good to say about them. Neither does Jason.

I guess the other thing that prevents me from being a cat person is the smell of their kitty litter. I know, I know, they have all of these new inventions that are supposed to take care of the smell. The thing is, every house I have ever visited where they have a cat, I could tell that they had one even before I was told or saw the cat. Their odor precedes them.  I’m not saying that dogs always smell like roses, but the worst dog smell cannot compete with the dreaded cat piss smell.

Then there are people who have a veritable zoo. One of my friends has dogs, cats, snakes, birds and fish.  We have parakeets, but that’s about as far as I am willing to venture into the alternate pet deal. Of course if my kids had their way, it would be like Noah’s Ark around here. I am glad that my kids love animals though. I have to wonder about people who dislike all animals.

I did read an article about how pets make you a healthier person. Dogs were number one, followed by cats. The main reason that the dogs won out on that one was the fact that dogs are much more involved and integrated in their owner’s lives.  Sorry, but for the most part, cats don’t really seem that interested.

Since I pretty much exhausted that subject, on to the next one. How do you know you are in love? I think that we can pretty much talk ourselves into just about anything at times. It is human nature to want that feeling with someone else. But, you can’t force the situation. If it’s real, there won’t be a need to force anything. When it’s the real thing, it really is like lighting striking. It forever changes you in an instant. I know this because I have experienced this firsthand.

I had one serious boyfriend before Bill. I mean I dated a lot in high school, but I was never one to be that serious about any of them. But, Keith and I met when I was a freshman in college and we just “clicked”. But, the relationship only really lasted a few months because he was killed in a car accident. Looking back however, I know that I loved him, I cared about him very much. I don’t think it was the kind of love I am talking about now, however. Maybe I was too young to really feel that anyway. Not sure. When I met Bill, we also “clicked”. I loved his sense of humor. He made me laugh. And after what I had been through with Keith, I needed to laugh. I know that Bill really loved me, although he, like a lot of men I think, had a difficult time showing that love. I really think that Bill expressed his love for me by doing things for me. He liked to take care of everything for me. He didn’t want me to have to worry about things. But, I don’t think that I appreciated that as much as I should have because I am very independent and I actually like to do things for myself. Bill and I were married for one week shy of 16 years. We had three awesome children together. We bought and paid off a house together. Yes, we had our ups and downs. I don’t think that any married couple can honestly say that they haven’t. Marriage is hard. You have to be tenacious; you have to be diligent. But, I have to say that we were stronger for having gone through the difficult times, especially the devastating cancer. As bad as that was, it strengthened Bill’s faith, it made him an even better husband and friend. It brought us closer together. I guess having a common enemy will do that.

Now that brings me to Jason. I didn’t plan on this. I never thought it would be possible. But, as much as I tried to deny it, I knew as soon as our eyes met. It was lighting striking. I tried to think of a thousand reasons why it wouldn’t work, couldn’t work. But the way he makes me feel is undeniable. He makes me feel beautiful, invincible, smart, great and a thousand other positive adjectives.  There are no negatives with this man. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he makes me love him without doing one thing. I am not detracting from my past relationships, but they were just different. Maybe it is the fact that now, I am at a point in my life when this is meant to happen.

I have to think this is fate, because too many factors could have worked against us. At first, I did try to think that it could have just been infatuation. But, infatuation would start to fade after a period of time, or at least plateau. This has only grown stronger, become more intense, more incredible with each passing day.

I really do think that God has a great sense of humor and a great sense of timing. He knew what I needed at that time in my life. He knew that a relationship was the very last thing that I was looking for, the last thing Jason was looking for also. But I have to think that God knew that this was exactly what I needed. I needed to continue with my life. I needed to learn to be happy again. And guess what? That is exactly what I am. I really can’t describe what it is like, because if you haven’t experienced this, you just really can’t comprehend it.

I do know this. I think that it is very rare for anyone to have this. I know that it doesn’t happen very often. I know that I am very blessed, but above all I know that I deserve this. I can only wish that everyone could have this kind of love in their life. But, I also know that because most people don’t, it makes it even more special to me and I appreciate it so much more.

Now that I’ve gotten done with my romantic sappy stuff, I guess I am done for now.

I do know this though. Life is too short to settle. Don’t try to settle for something less than you deserve. I would rather be alone than settle for less than what I have right now. I know that is hard for most people. It isn’t human nature to be alone. But, sometimes, maybe you need that alone time to work on becoming the person you need to be. If the other person is not everything to you and/or if you are not everything to that other person, it won’t work. If you don’t respect each other, it won’t work. If you have to put on an act for the other person, it definitely won’t work.  Honestly, if you have to work so hard at it, I don’t think it will work. Because when it’s right you know. When it’s right, it doesn’t seem like an effort. When it’s right you feel it and all of the doubts disappear. When it’s right, not time, location, situation or outside influences can change it. It’s like the saying: “You know that you know that you know.” It’s a certainty.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” ~ Mae West

We
trekked our way to Atlanta this weekend for the UCA (Universal Cheerleaders
Association) International All Levels Competition held at the enormous Georgia
World Congress Center. Luckily, Elizabeth didn’t have to check in at the Competition
until 5 p.m. on Friday and since we arrived late Thursday evening, we had
pretty much all day to roam around Atlanta. ....

We were
supposed to go to the Coca Cola World Museum, however, the line was way long
and it would have taken up most of our day, so we opted to go to the Georgia
Aquarium.  Now, we have been to the
Ripley’s Aquarium in Gatlinburg as well as the Chattanooga Aquarium, but I have
to say this was much bigger and more impressive. But, if you go, either order
your tickets online or have your hotel concierge order them in advance, because
the line was excessively long and when we arrived there at 1:15 p.m., they were
already selling tickets for 5:00 p.m., if you didn’t have advanced order
tickets, that is. The Beluga whales were my favorite. They look like big white
babies and they look like they are smiling at you. They are also the most
graceful animals I think I have seen in the water. They are luminous and seem
to just float through the water effortlessly. 
Elizabeth and Ben seemed to enjoy the sea otters the most, since they
were so playful and silly. Will liked the whale sharks and was really
interested in how UPS shipped them to the aquarium. (pretty amazing). We had a
really good time. By the time we got back to the hotel and grabbed a late lunch
it was time to start getting Elizabeth ready for competition. ....

We made
it to the GWCC in plenty of time and went through the normal process of
checking in, buying admission tickets and finding a decent seat in the very
LOUD arena.  It really amazes me how
seriously most of the cheer parents seem to take these competitions. I mean, of
course we are all there to support our daughters (and even some sons), but really,
is it the end of the world if they don’t come in first? You would think that
the fate of the world hinges on the outcome of some of these. Of course, just
like at every one of these that I have attended, at least one parent can be
counted on to step up and show their ass. In this case it was a mom with a
toddler in a stroller. When she found out the results of her daughter’s team’s
placement, she burst out with a “that’s bullshit” and then “they were robbed”,
all while ramming the stroller and the kid in it against some chairs. I really
felt sorry for her little kid. All I could think of was what kind of an example
are some parents setting for their kids when they act like that. I mean, the
boys and I did laugh at her, we couldn’t help it, but she was still really ,
really wrong.....

The
only thing I regret about the trip to Atlanta was that we didn’t have time to
eat at Fogo de Chao.  It’s a Brazilian
style steakhouse with gaucho chefs who cook various meats over an open fire. It’s
supposed to be quite an experience.  I
tried everything I could think of to get to go, but there really was no time. ....

We did
get back home in time for Will to get to play in his championship basketball
game and they won 31-29. I am really glad we were able to get back in time for
that.  It was a great game.....

Then,
this afternoon, I finally e-filed my taxes. I had all of it done except for
waiting on the Estate File Number, which I received in the mail last week. So,
finally getting that done was a relief. I hate having something like that
hanging over me like that. I would much rather just do things and get them over
with.  Sometimes, however, that is beyond
our control.....

I think
that all of our activity over the weekend has started to catch up with me. I’m
thinking we will go out and eat somewhere, come back home and crash. Tomorrow
is Easter, which is normally a very positive and wonderful time of year, but it
reminds me so much of Bill. He really loved to help the kids color eggs, hiding
them in the yard and he always got them the biggest easter baskets. He also
always bought me flowers and some kind of special gift.  To see spring come back around seems bittersweet
this year because I all I can remember is how very sick he was at this time
last year. But, I know that he is no longer suffering, so there comfort in
that. ....

May
everyone have a wonderful Easter Holiday and even though the eggs and candy and
bunnies are a lot of fun, try not to forget the true meaning for this holiday.
One tradition that Bill began with our kids was to read the Book of Luke
Chapters 22 – 24. ....

Luke 22:29  And I appoint unto you a kingdom, as my Father
hath appointed unto me.....

.. ..

• School administrators face a complicated task setting a dress code: with
  inappropriate coverage (for example, strapless, halter, and midriff tops and
  too-short skirts and shorts) and inappropriate insignia (for example, slogans
  for alcohol and cigarettes and clothing with vulgar language or representing
  otherwise objectionable connections, such as gang membership), it may be easier
  to have a uniform than to detail and enforce independently chosen clothing. 
  
• Dress code aside, the interest in fashion and fad combined with peer
  pressure can lead to pressure to spend money that some families can ill afford:
  school uniforms refocus this issue. 
  
• Wearing of school uniforms prevents the formation of dress-identified
  cliques 
  
• The wearing of school uniforms emphasizes membership and group identity,
  fostering a community spirit. 
  
• Crimes involving stealing items of apparel are unlikely to be perpetrated if
  everyone’s apparel is identical. 
  
• Because students can be easily identified, intruders in the school setting
  can be more readily identified and students on field trips are more easily
  accounted for. 
  

• Uniforms interfere with students’ rights for self-expression. 
  
• Uniforms are an unnecessary expense and can create an economic hardship
  themselves. 
  
• Uniforms are an unnecessary exertion of power by administrators who don’t
  know how to exercise responsible authority. 
  
• The wearing of uniforms does not prevent the formation of cliques or gangs. 
  
  
• The wearing of uniforms does not prevent students from expressing unpopular
  or inappropriate views in other ways. 
  
• School uniforms can be ugly and/or unflattering, and having to wear
  something unattractive or unflattering is not good for students’ self-image. 
  
• The wearing of uniforms my delay or prevent students from having to learn
  how to get alongside of people whose personal taste differs markedly from their
  own and which they may find unappealing. 
  
• The wearing of school uniforms may give students the impression that
  conformity is the way to prevent conflict, and this is not an appropriate
  message for schools to send.

I have never really placed much stock in Astrology and
Horoscopes and the like. I mean sometimes it’s fun to read your horoscope but I
certainly wouldn’t plan my life around that. A friend of mine from high school (a
fellow Scorpio)sent me this on facebook and I kind of hate to admit it but it
really does seem fairly on target as to my personality and traits. Kind of
weird…....

If you are born between October 24^th and
November 22^nd, you are a Scorpio, the zodiac bearing the symbol of
the scorpion and ruled by the planet Pluto. Mystery is the second name of a
Scorpio.....

Of all of the zodiac signs, this sign is perhaps the most
prominent of all. “What is hidden is more interesting than what is obvious.” Is
the motto of the Scorpio. They are the detectives, the investigators of the
zodiac.....

Unraveling the mysteries of life is one of the passions of
this water sign, but they prefer to lock away their trials and deepest
mysteries. Their calm and self-controlled exterior is a veneer and don’t get
fooled by it, for there are strong, restless currents swirling just beneath the
surface. They look strong, thanks to their persistent self discipline, but they
are actually very emotional inside and more susceptible to pain than others.
Because they are so deep, they feel pain more immensely.....

Sometimes a Scorpio’s feelings and emotions might prove too
strong for words and he or she is overwhelmed into silence. They dislike being
asked personal questions and are wary of new acquaintances. They like to win at
any cost. ....

Positive Side of Scorpio Character....

A Scorpio possesses the positive traits of leadership
qualities, magnetism and passion, power and determination, a forceful,
intuitive, exciting and emotional nature. The Scorpio’s greatest strength is
their passion about their feelings. Overall, a Scorpio is generally considered
as strong, independent, persistent, intelligent and intense. Scorpios always
try to do well in life, striving to succeed and is generally a successful
achiever.....

A Scorpio’s boundless intensity can be an asset if
channeled in a positive direction. People are easily attracted to Scorpios
because they can light up a room and dispel gloom with their presencel.....

Negative Side of Scorpio Character....

But on the flip side, Scorpios can be obstinate and
secretive, probing, resentful and jealous, obsessive and compulsive. Scorpios
are fiercely private and that need for privacy often can be isolating. A
Scorpio is always game to promote their own agenda. Scorpios want to live life
on their terms and are often perceived as bossy and selfish. They are also
capabale of sudden emotional outbursts at odds with their self controlled and
calm persona. They find it difficult to accept failure.....

Scorpios are fortunate in that their strong reasoning
powers are tempered with imagination and intuition. Rebelliousness against all
conventions can lead to brooding resentment, total arrogance, morbid jealousy,
extreme volatility of temperament – these are some of their vices. At the other
extreme is the procrastinator.....

Being so gifted, Scorpios can find fulfillment in many
employments. Their inner intensity can result in the ice-cold self-control and
detachment of the surgeon, the concentration of a scientist, and the heroism of
a soldier. Any profession in which analysis, investigation, research, dealing
with practicalities, and the solving of mysteries are relevant, can appeal to
them. So, police and detective work, espionage and counterespionage, the law,
physics and psychology may attract them, and they can become masters of the written
and spoken word.....

Scorpio is the symbol of sex and Scorpios are passionate
lovers, the most sensually energetic and intense of all the signs. ....

.. ..

....I’ve been working on taxes today. One thing that has complicated things is Bill’s death and all of the dividends paid out on his investments. I think I have navigated through the rough part of it and now I’m just waiting on the IRS to confirm his estate file number. (could take up to 2 weeks according to their website). So, I just saved everything and will wait for their confirmation. Once this is done, it will be a huge load off of my mind. ....

.. ..

Bill’s death has caused me to really make an effort to clarify things, to know where I stand. I have really decided that streamlining my life, cutting out the unnecessary “clutter” (this can be literal or emotional or whatever) is essential to my happiness. The contractors are almost finished with the basement (they are working as I am typing this J) The next step is the flooring, which should be installed Wednesday. I can’t wait to have this space finished and begin using it for something other than a catch-all for storage. ....

.. ..

I have also been really trying to clean up my diet and the kids’ too. We have all started on a “no soda” regime. I either drink water (with lemon, of course) or occasionally some iced tea. With just over a week of no sodas, it is amazing how much better we all seem to feel. I think this one change will make a huge impact on all of us.  We are also all exercising everyday. Of course this will be easier after this week, once we get everything moved to our “new and improved” weight room in the basement. Having that big ass treadmill in the dining room is kind of inconvenient, but it’s only a temporary measure. ....

.. ..

I’m also really trying to find relaxation and peace when I can. That’s hard to do with three active kids. Someone is always mad someone else or picking on someone or just rude. There seems to always be one in “crisis mode” at any given time. When I went on the cruise, the spa gave me some detoxification bath packets, so what I have been trying to do is soak in the Jacuzzi using one of those (they have lavender which is very relaxing and calming) every night. I either read or just close my eyes and remember to breathe. It’s amazing how just a few minutes to yourself to calm down and get right with the world can make a difference in your mood and outlook. I think the kids are actually starting to respect the “me time” and I’m getting less frantic knocks on the bathroom door, because so and so hit so and so, or someone won’t take turns on a videogame, etc. ....

.. ..

I really think that I am at a place in my life where I am genuinely happy with myself. I feel really good and I actually have things somewhat under control. For so long after Bill’s death, I just felt like I was going through the motions. I suppose that is normal, but I almost feel like certain people took advantage during that time when I was at my most vulnerable, the proverbial “kicking someone when they are down”. Unfortunately or not, I am the kind of person that never forgets things like that. Oh, I’ve tried to work on that trait, but to no avail. But I am sure those few little minor situations will work themselves out. I will try to forgive, but probably won’t ever forget.

....

One really unfortunate event over the weekend really made me sad. I don’t think I have addressed this situation in the past, but in a short recap, Bill’s dad was married briefly before he married Bill’s mom. He and his first wife had a son, whom he later denied as being his. I suppose back then, since they didn’t have DNA and the like so available like they do now, this situation was never really resolved. I know that the “son” still thought he was Bill’s half brother up until he died. Anyway, he had been diagnosed with some medical problems and ended his own life. I cannot fathom the agony and pain he went through or what his family and friends are now going through. It really is tragic in so many ways. But, I cannot help but think that suicide is a very selfish act. Yes, I can understand someone being in so much physical and emotional pain that they feel that they can’t go on living, but aren’t we each instilled with an unfaltering and unexplainable drive to live? And when I think of all of the pain and suffering  Bill endured (I know that others have went through that too, but I was a firsthand witness to his) and he didn’t waiver or falter in his faith and his strength, his sheer will to fight it. I do know this, the fact that Bill didn’t give in to something like that only makes me love and respect him and his memory even more. I can’t help but think that if he had taken the other way,  that his memory would be somehow diminished in my eyes and especially our children’s.  I know that people have their own reasons for what they do and that you cannot understand much less judge, but it really makes me sad for his family. I’m sure they are questioning what more they could have done to prevent that final act of desperation. At least with Bill, I had closure and a certainty that I did everything I could possibly do for him when he needed me. I really couldn’t ask for any more than that. ....

.. ..

So, I will leave you with this thought to get through the days. I know that sometimes we get caught up in the monotony of the day to day. The errands, the bureaucracy of work and just the details of living in this chaotic world, but occasionally, you just have to stop, get your bearings, look around and take notice of where you are, live in that moment, because really, it’s those little moments that make our lives worthwhile, when we are really alive.....

.. ..

Nothing is ever really lost, or can be lost,....

No birth, identity, form – no object of the world....

Nor life, nor force, nor any visible thing;....

Appearance must not foil, nor shifted sphere confuse thy brain.....

Ample are time and space – ample the fields of Nature.....

The body, sluggish, aged, cold – the embers left from earlier fires,....

The light in the eye grown dim, shall duly flame again;....

The sun now low in the west rises for mornings and for noons continual;....

To frozen clods ever the spring’s invisible law returns,....

With grass and flowers and summer fruits and corn.....

.. ..

- Walt Whitman, Continuities....

.. ..

.. ..

.. ..

2008 was a very rough year for the Leinarts. Losing Bill was something that cannot even be described. Unless you have gone through something like that, I just can't convey the feelings of sadness, helplessness, loss and just hopelessness involved.

But, I really do still believe that God doesn't give us anything that He doesn't give us the strength and the grace to deal with. Me being the control freak that I am, learned a difficult yet extremely enlightening lesson. There are things that we cannot control, cannot change, sometimes can't even influence. Learning this was painful for me but with that pain has come a real sense of freedom. I know that throughout this whole ordeal and even some other more minor events during 2008, I have become a stronger person. I have learned about priorities and what is really important.

I don't really have resolutions for the New Year, mainly because I see that usually those end up being failures. I do want to make some changes, well, actually more tweaks to my life as I know it. I have learned that I have to take care of me. Whether that is getting a massage once a month or a facial or just a "me" day, or being more proactive in my health and exercising or more "emotional" areas. I know that I have to be the best that I can be in order to be the kind of mother that I want to be.

I think that most of us (women), given that we are nurturers by nature, tend to put ourselves last. I like to think of this analogy. When you are on a flight, they always have that safety message about what to do if they lose cabin pressure. The instructions are that if you are an adult with a child on board, etc., to first deploy your airbag and mask and then assist your child. I really think that this mantra can be taken into our daily lives. Trying to care for others without first taking care of yourself just doesn't make sense.

One other important lesson I have learned and am trying to incorporate more into this life of mine is that spontaneity is a great thing. Every minute of the day does not have to be scheduled. Sometimes, just having a little "fun" time to do something silly is just as important as checking off that endless "to do" list. Sometimes me and the kids will just go out for ice cream in the middle of the night in our pajamas, no less, or we will go to a movie on a weeknight without really planning, or I have taken them to Best Buy and let them pick out something for no real reason other than to just have fun. I am so lucky to have the three very incredible individuals that are my children in my life. They make my life so much more. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have learned that my house doesn't have to be perfectly clean with every piece of laundry and every dish clean or every single thing in it's place. I am still very organized, but I don't stress over the little stuff as much. I'm still a work in progress.

I've also learned that you cannot take the day in front of you for granted. Live, laugh and love to the best of your ability. Don't have regrets. Whatever triumphs or mistakes you have had in the past can either be repeated at your discretion. There are lots of things I would have done differently in my past, but I also have done a lot of things right. I won't let myself get bogged down in the could have, would have should have of that. I did the best I could at the time. I can't look back, but only forward, but that doesn't mean I can't learn from the past - I just refuse to beat myself up over past decisions and actions. I'm only human and like everyone else need to learn self-forgiveness. I feel like alot of times people try to pass judgement on what people should be doing at whatever point in their lives, etc. Well, I will just say this, I think that God places people in our lives for a reason. I am very fortunate to have the family and friends I have. But, recently, a very special person has entered my life. It seems a lot sooner than my little judgemental and protocol-craving personality would have preferred, but the connection we have is so strong that I could not deny this even if I wanted to. He builds me up and makes me feel like I can truly be myself. I have not seen one negative thing in all of this and I really have tried. I really do see this as being fate and I think that wasting time overanalyzing it, etc. is just futile. The bottom line is that I am so happy and so loved that I know that this has to be right. I have to do what is right and best for me and my children and that is exactly what I am going to do. I guess there is still a part of me that feels guilty for feeling so alive and so happy right now, but then when I think of the love that Bill had for me, I know that he would never begrudge me this. I do deserve to be happy, to be loved and cherished, to be accepted and to be respected for who I am. So that is that.

My wish for this new year is to not limit my possibilities. There are lots of things I would love to pursue. I will not be small minded and I will not tell myself reasons why I can't do something. I am determined to embrace every opportunity and to make my dreams a reality. I really thought that turning 40 would be a negative thing in a way, but I really have to say that I have never felt as vital, as powerful and as great as I do right now, at this point in my life. If you are reading this, I hope the very same for you. Don't limit yourself to the life you think you are relegated to. We only have this one life here before moving on to something so much more that is beyond our human comprehension. So, make the most of it. Have the confidence to believe that you can do whatever you really set your mind and heart to.

This quote by Vince Lombardi sums that up for me.

Confidence is contagious - so is lack of confidence...