A bottle of wine, the smell of you on the shirt I couldn’t bare to take off all day, even with the chocolate stains on the front. I smelled of you and your bed smelled of me. Tonight when you crawl in bed you will smell where I slept such a short time ago.  Well 12 hours to be exact, my Rodney tells me the words I need to hear and the rationalization I sometimes need, he provides.

He asked and I answered with this:

Maybe if we could have kept it all together  where would we be? A thousand lost forever’s and the promises you would never give me. It won’t be the first heart you break it won’t be the last beautiful girl. The one that even  your ex wouldn’t take you back if you were the last the beautiful girl in the world. You needed to your find your space, you needed to still friends, you needed me to call you I couldn’t keep it all together. Unfortunately 5 years later I have learned how to live without that last beautiful girl. She can not remember the events I will never forget.

Hell I’ll go there again… I won’t lie

Things I were prior to the separation November 17,2005 (before Carmen and the accident)

1)      I believed people were still good at heart

2)      I believed in family and most importantly my family

3)      I believed I was strong enough to leave anyone who abused me

4)      I believed I was a little crazy, but in that fun flirty harmless kind of way

5)      I thought everything would always find a way to work itself out; God doesn’t give us more than we can handle right???

6)      All I thought that December 14, 2004 was just don’t stop now, then I woke up in the morning and never felt as lost as I did that day.  I gave it my soul so I could survive, without it… I don’t know if I could have.

Yet I wake up next to you and still just pray for 5 more minutes…

It’s all or nothing and here is why… The return of the List.

1.       I have my defenses when it comes to your intentions for me

2.       I’m not the one who broke you, I am not the one you should fear. I thought I lost you somewhere but you were never really there at all.

3.        I wanted to be more than I am but not quite as much as you expected me to me

4.       I don’t need the fall out of the past that’s in between us and no your lies were never enough to keep me there.

5.        I was drowning and you were the water in my lungs and I know that statement isn’t fair, unfortunately it’s true.

6.       I have kissed your lips and held your head, shared your dreams, shared your bed, but yet you walking  away that is all I can ever remember anyway

7.       I am a dreamer and when I wake ….you can’t break my spirit. It’s my dreams you take as you move on remember me, remember us.. all we used to be. “She whispers, I’m moving on…You should to”

Now were standing in the rain and nothing’s going to change until you hear… The 7 things I hate about you

1.       You’re a gypsy

2.       You always took my cold spots

3.       You can keep those “Babe” Texts to yourself.. REALLY

4.       If you text it I’ll delete, I am not coming back. You love me, you “like” her

5.       You’re a jerk when you wake me up yelling about people I can’ t change, Including myself

6.       You expected me to play nice when I really had NO REASON TO

7.       I DON’T like the rain, I don’t like to get my hair wet.  Why would I ever get out of that car really…. FOR YOU…Oh and I like blue buildings.  Just not as much as you.

So I Should I say the things I like

1.       You hair and eyes and the salt I can taste while I kiss your lips

2.       I know this is what you want a funeral keeps both of us apart, you know your not alone, I was there and still am. Why can’t you see?

3.       Waking up next to you and never wanting dawn to come.

4.       Your absolutely gorgeous while you slept next to me

5.       God that smile of yours,  Nothing could replace the thought of when I close my eyes, I can see it…. I just can’t feel it anymore

6.       I liked the way you hogged all the hot water…(even if I wouldn’t admit it)

7.       I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch…For you I’d cross the world…For you I’d do anything…

INCLUSION HERE ARE MY 7 THINGS, WHAT ARE YOURS?

She says I will always love you, with such a gentle touch

She promises she won’t ever fade away, only the time will.

She says I look dreamy at her and speak cryptically.

She says it’s been awhile since I could say I wasn’t addicted.

It does not bother me to say this isn’t love if you don’t want to talk about it, and it’s really something I can live without. I don’t concern myself these days with the things that are out of my control. I have learned to think about the consequences and if they are really worth the crime I am about to commit, Ya know what I mean? What I’m sayin? Where I’m comin’ from? Ha ha…..

There were events I never saw coming, some were great and some…well…Not so much.

I  (Not as much, but still) Have this reoccurring dream, wait I should say god awful wake up in a cold sweat night mare.  The dreams are so real, I remember what a smell is like or a touch, Things I could not soberly recall, hell I couldn’t remember them with a buzz either. Yet my mind recalls them late in the night.  I block out things that aren’t good for me. Just like they never happened, Never existed.

I don’t like unpleasant things so I avoid at all costs, and time takes away those pesky feelings of sadness because eventually you forget what you were sad about. Well at least I do. I would rather cut my wrists in pieces than to go back 1 year. No thanks dawg, I’m real cool on that.  I have no want, need nor desire to have those feelings back again.  I will give credit where credit is due… ”She was…Disarming”.

I have recently reconciled with one of those pesky sadness memories, or shall I say the one that created them? It was nice, it is nice. It’s very enjoyable to remember that period of time, you asked what I felt when you walked through the door. Was it fear?  Was it clear?  It was all that and more it was real, it was magic, it was calm, it was savage, it was cool as a breeze it was warm to the touch it was never enough, it was always to much it did all the things love does…That’s how I knew it was.  Eventually it faded, it always does.

I am a dreamer and when I wake you can’t break my spirit it’s my dreams you take as you move on remember me remember us and all we used to be. God I so clearly remember sitting at that desk in my bedroom replaying those words over and over. I never really believed you could cry your heart out, then I recollect that moment when I pad locked your bedroom door, the bedroom we shared. I cleaned it out and vacummed and locked it up, I couldn’t stand to walk in there. Every time I did I hit my knees. It’s ironic the home I left to  build one with you, I begged for back once you..well…ya know you  lost your mind.

Take what you need and be on your way…I left a long time ago.

A good friend of mine was talking to me tonight about her relationship, including her sex life.

It got me thinking. To be honest I don’t use those words “Love making” Most sexual activity isn’t all sensual staring into each other’s eyes  with that face touching stuff,  So I started recollecting the memories of what in my mind was “Love Making”.

In the last 14 months I can honestly say I have been more detached than normal. To meet me or go out with me, You would never guess what’s really going on in my mind as I look out the window on the way to dinner. You could have asked me 7 months ago about a first kiss I experienced and I could tell you every detail from the look to the touch to the time length of the kiss and most importantly what it meant.

This event occurred once In the last 14 months and it’s such a great feeling laying next to someone and thinking “if I died right now next to you, My entire life was worth all the laughs and tears”

I learned to function after a very nasty public separation.  It’s common knowledge I went a little crazy last October. Guess what? October is right around the corner and a year ago I would stay in that shower until I was all cried out.  Now it’s not every day, It still happens… Just not  as much as before . Is it because I am slowly forgetting that smell of soap? Or because I have tried so hard to forget it, once it’s forgotten, I can’t dig deep enough to find it again. Even just for a moment.  We always can’t rule out the substance abuse problem I created last October, after I got out of that shower I got high. I couldn’t feel so hurt, I couldn’t breathe without you. I would bury my face in a sweater  that belonged to them. Or read a card in hopes of there smell would by some chance still linger on it.  When I could no longer see or touch them I could read the words that were once meant for me.

I hope they knew it was never easy for me, Even being who I am. I couldn’t breathe I couldn’t take a step I couldn’t get into my car without breathing and saying, I have to now.   This is where the substance came into place, I needed someone. I needed something, I unfortunately took the wrong road to a city I didn’t recognize.  I didn’t recognize that person crying in the shower or the one blow drying her hair after.   I laid in bed and watched a movie with someone who is just a friend and for a moment I closed my eyes  and it was a flashback to being in the same position with someone  who I was completely out of the park in love with. Even in that moment I grasped for air, and I think I have to. I have to move on with my life. So maybe the forgetting is a blessing? I wonder if they already forgot.

“She whispers in a gentle voice…”I’m moving on, you should too”

For the music portion of this.. I’m barely breathing, with a broken heart that’s still beating, in the pain there is healing, in the night I find meaning. So I’m holding on. I’m barely holding on to you, well it’s not really you anymore. More the memory…

I'm hanging on to the words you say

You said that I will be ok…I’m waiting and I ask myself at night, Are you okay?

My life has changed so much from September 13,2008 to September 13,2009, Well we all know I adore my lists so here goes kid…

1.       I moved in with my mom, my sister shortly after  myself

2.       I forgot to say number 1 should be, My  girlfriend and I ended things. ON LESS THAN DELIGHTFUL GROUNDS.

3.       I then have a broken heart and living with my mom.        Not a good combination.

4.       I needed a release and crying in the shower wasn’t cutting it.

5.       Oh wait let me mention I started bartending, after that tearful shower I would put my make up on and my tight jeans and look in the mirror and say “I can do this” “I HAVE TO DO THIS” I mean by that I can get through day without your voice, or scent or smile. I can do this.  I Did for awhile.

6.       Then I had a breakdown, I was drinking so much at work I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t talk and most importantly I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t hold my eyes open, let alone focus on what I was running from.

7.       So here come the holidays, well by this time I found comfort in substance, I had a chance to undue that cryin in the shower, But declined the offer

8.       Then I go to jail (FOR A DUI) it was bound to happen

9.       Then I go back to school and start a more respectable employment choice.

10.   Would I go back a year? Would I do it again? Would I do what I did? Most likely yes, But not if I knew then what I know now.  Just happens “Now” is too late.

11.    Someone told me you can find good in anything, you just have to look hard enough.  So what if you find that good and it just isn’t enough?

12.     I have learned not to look back to the beginning of this tale in anger,  for once I am not scared.

13.   This is a new chapter to an new book, and the old one has been shelved never to be read again.

14.  I CAN'T END THIS ON 13, WHEN 14 IS MY FAVORITE NUMBER..SO WHEN I MET HER
 She was... disarming.

So  it happens to be the time of the canfield field time..

I’m sober for 6  whole s months the thing that tore us apart is the one thing I will never touch again

My last real memory was the canfield fair last year and now it is here again and it’s hard, even afer all this time…

My mind it goes fast, I am only going to name 7 things today..For a reason

1.       Sometimes it takes way more time to move past something’s compared to others.

2. Time will ease your pain, life’s about changing and nothing stays the same.

3. I miss sleeping in  a bed, SINCERELY  Miss sleeping in bed

4.  I will always love you, 90% of the people I ever said that to I MEANT AND STILL DO.  I’m always going to love you, yes until the final day and the final hour. 

5.It’s like standing on a rooftop screaming sometimes. Yet  I have no regrets

6. Loving you was like breathing , I never learned to stop

7. Before I let you down again, I just want to see you in your eyes. I would have taken everything out on you, I only thought you could understand..

My ex girlfriend told me I am detached.                < Direct QUOTE>

                                : WAKE UP OLDER:

Find a cool bottle or a warm shoulder and wake up older..Try to move on

 I touched your mouth but that’s all I need, don’t build your world around things that can melt you down, what I am to you is not real, what I am to you… You do not need what. I am to you is not what u mean to me. It’s like I ask for mountains and I get the sea..

Things I know and Things I am learning as I go along this endless journey to where is still un-clear

1.       The heart is a tricky object, sometimes you can love something so greatly you push it out of your mind  to save it from evil or eventual heartache, that you will cause. That one little place you do call a heart. Sometimes you embrace something’s with arms wide open and when you hit the ground after jumping off that 11 story building and everyone is surrounding you.  They all wonder why?

2. I never thought a lot of things would happen, Break ups, Make ups, Drug Addiction…The list varies.  Wait wait we cannot forget marriages and babies and eventual annulments.

3. No one will really know the things that have taken place in the last 9 months. Including myself.  It’s just a Advil. I would always say just not today, don’t let it hurt so bad just not today.  It was always today and I was always a monster,  So what do you say, what do you do when it all comes down?

4. I COULD want somebody else, I could love somebody other than you but I don’t know how. You took a  chance on a bruised and beaten heart, then you realized you wanted what you had. I should have been more like that

5. I guess you got what you deserved, who’s really to say what someone deserves and, I should have held on to my pride, I never should have backed down in that corner. The one I never got out of until I got out of the relationship

6. I like myself, for the most part. Sometimes you can’t lie, sometimes  you can’t tell the truth. So in that moment all you can do is take a a deep breath and hope a year later it won’t hurt as much.

7. I have yet to prove that theory. The important ones call every so often just to check in. I have yet decided if they do it for me or for themselves.

8. I am so scared of forgetting some of the great things, it’s already happening 2 years ago I could have walked into Victoria secret and went right to that certain smell. Now I smell every bottle and cannot tell the difference between what it was and what just smells good. It’s time for the canfield fair time what if I forget  the details of the canfield fair 2008 in 2 or 3 years? Is that a good thing or a bad? Undecided at this point in time…

9. I hear it in their voices when they  call. When you love someone you want them to be happy even when there happiness doesn’t include you. Sometimes it’s unfortunate and sometimes it really is for the best.

10. It took me a long time to find myself after January and even longer time to figure out what I lost  and what was not worth the gain that accrued.

11. What if The song Fearless means nothing to me in 3 years and can’t remember why it ever did.  Even that Natalie song Crazy for example. I know I can’t forget Fast Car. That is imbedded in my skin at this point in time.

12. Is a secret ever okay?  Will it ever be okay to just walk away and say I just don’t love you anymore?

13. My counselor says that I am to polite, and tonight I had a 17yr old yelling at me , for enabling her sister, saying it’s people like me that can’t say no to her is why she is in jail. Well in my opinion she’s in jail because of her not because of me. Also I never gave her that drugs that put her in there to start with.

I am going to end this on 14… I mean June 14, December 14 important day. So may this end on a  14

14. I'll always love you. I hate hurting you. Then why are you? Honestly because I didn’t know how not to..

Let me state for the record it is 11:19am, and if you know me you know I am the kind of girl that arises noonish.  I feel nervous about the day. I am fighting the craving. I am fighting the urge. I just need to make it through today. Just today and I will feel proud of myself.  I’ll let it run back through me without substance.  I hadn’t seen my best friend in 2 days and I get so sad sometimes. Especially at this time of month,  I want to believe in something good. Something pure and innocent I look for that in others, because I can’t quite find it in myself. No matter how much I change my life.

Sometimes letting go just takes time…maybe years, maybe months, maybe weeks and for the few lucky ones minutes you have no idea how had it is to let go of the only one I really ever believed in.