Welcome one and all to issue 52 of everyones favourite drunken Glaswegian Gaming MySpace: THE QUEENS OF THE PWN AGE! This week see's Kenny & Sean traversing the dangerous Fanboy riddled depths of Epic's latest opus Gears of War II. Plus all the usual nonsense you've come to expect from the deranged entity known as the QOTPA. So what are you waiting for? Get your ass down and boogie!!!

And for those of you who missed it last time around, here's Sean's review of the original Gears of War!!!



I've been delaying this for as long as possible. It's not that I don't like the game (cause I do, sort of) but there are genuinely many more games out there that I'd rather play and review. Also, I know that my popularity will skydive amongst some of the Xbox faithful when my opinions (correct as they may be) are aired to you lovely folk. So it is with an air of trepidation that I type out a review for everyone's favourite Xbox exclusive – oh no wait it's out on the PC and it's much better for It...Gears of War. So if you are a deranged fanboy (and believe me you know who I'm talking about) then stop reading this review and simply post your random hate-filled e-mails of ignorance to anyone but me (possibly your Mum instead, then she can see exactly the kind of language you use when your on XBL). However, if you fancy actually hearing out someone's opinion on this game, then read on and be enlightened.

Gears of War is a 3rd person strategic shooter on the Xbox 360 and PC aimed at manly men and even manlier women. The player takes on the role of Marcus Fenix, a man to whom Irony is the best way to get creases out of clothes and regularly dines on a breakfast of egg yolks and steroids. He is part of COG, a military organisation whose sole purpose is to fight a vast alien army known as the Locust Horde. He does this alongside his team known as Delta Squad, a team made up of equally lumpen brick shithouses. And then the warning bells hit you; Muscle-bound, one-liner chewing dim-witted lead, pale and scaly alien threat, team of equally lethal expendable troops including token black and ethnic minority characters? Well fuck me sideways if this isn't the next game in the Unreal saga. It doesn't help that this game is based exclusively on the Unreal engine; the game looks so alike in appearance to Unreal that it might as well be titled Unreal Tournament: The One where we rope in the Xbox Fanboys. It's like the devs at Epic HQ wanted to test the new engine so that Unreal III turned out as awesome as possible and then realised that because Halo had eventually decided just to imitate itself ad infinitum that the Xbox fanbase would happily latch onto the next macho icon to come round the corner.

So, you control Marcus in the third person, and the first thing you notice is how heavy he feels. Now this is good, as it gives the game a chunky, realistic effect, which works brilliantly with the gameplay. Your not meant to zip around like some demented Quake player, you're meant to consider your moves tactically and move from cover to cover in order to best eliminate the enemy. This is the intended effect, but the Xbox controller seems a bit uneasy with the whole concept. The controls sometimes seem a bit unwieldy and overcomplicated when compared to most 3rd person shooters. I myself never noticed this until I got the PC version, and realised how easy the mouse/keyboard combo felt. And this is one of the games major flaws; in its insistence that it knows what control system is best. Throughout the PC version, the tutorials and book refer to the Xbox controller despite its retarded nature when compared to a humble mouse. It's like Epic are trying to appease Xbox owners by going "Yeah, we know we said the game was exclusively Xbox and then we ported it to PC behind your backs, but don't worry, we're going to annoy the shit outta the PC players by constantly reminding them that this was originally an Xbox game!!! Lolz!" It's just lazy programming to assume that PC users will use Xbox peripherals because the PCs slower, dumber brother the Xbox does.

Next thing you notice is the gun combat, which for all intents and purposes is well structured and fun if a bit repetitive. All the guns feel dangerous which Epic are experts at programming (any company that can invent the Flak-cannon knows how to construct gun porn) and when an enemy is taken down you're filled with a warm feeling of satisfaction. Its not always the case though, as many enemies you can blast over and over and just won't go down; instead the player has to incapacitate then run up and finish them off close combat style. Now I don't understand this but I do understand why Epic put it in. You see Marcus' main weapon has a huge chainsaw bayonet (which has been referred to as Iconic by pre-pubescent males, but in real life is just a rip-off of most weapons from the entire Warhammer 40,000 series) and the guys at Epic obviously WANT you to use it. So instead of having it as a possible mode of attack (y'know, like what Bayonets actually are) they decided we would want to get up close and personal in every situation. Now this if fine, except in those situations where you're surrounded and you cannot get in range of any of the foes because of his team-mates. This leads to infuriating meat grinder moments, where fallen enemies keep getting back up and you expend way too much ammo on way too few enemies.

The enemies you fight in the game are of course the dreaded Locust Horde, a mammoth army of mutated monsters out to kill humanity for some poorly explained (or not at all) reason and generally exist just to make your life miserable. Now while 80% of them are your bog-standard humanoid Necris wannabes, some of the larger monsters are genuinely fantastic looking. Huge insectoid monstrosities with fangs the length of cars, Huge ogre like bastards that can smash through walls (in one of the games more memorable sections, mainly because it breaks away from the hide/shoot man till he dies/hide structure of the rest of the game) and flying creepy beasties that can strip the flesh from your bones in seconds all add up to some very memorable moments in the game. However, some sections fail miserably, like the night time vehicle section where you and your squad race in a huge vehicle to escape the horde. Some poor camera angles and dodgy vehicle controls makes this section irritating instead of memorable and feels a bit taped on. Also, the whole final stretch on a speeding train and the final boss fight feel incredibly under-whelming when compared to the rest of the game. You can essentially hide your way through the whole section (except one section where you fight the big ogre bastard again, but then slips into its usual routine afterward) and feels a bit rubbish and unsatisfactory, especially when coupled with an ending that could kindly be described as teasing and unkindly as about as epic as Pathfinder (that film was an abortion).

In its favour, GOW features a very fun and very competent co-op mode, where you and a friend can blast your way through the campaign together, sometime actually splitting up to fight different enemies and discover different paths. However this is does lead to another bout of random retardation from both the Xbox and PC versions. The Xbox features a local split-screen mode (which myself and QOTPA Techie Stu played through) which is immense fun and utterly enjoyable, but the internet-based coop requires use of the Live system. Now everyone knows my opinions on Xbox Live (why pay for something when both Nintendo and Sony offer similar, and equally good systems for free) but apparently Bill Gates doesn't have enough money to wipe his overpriced arse on and decided that PC gamers want to pay to play online also. The answer is No. The Live system on PC's is retarded and just puts me right off online modes with GOW. The fact that I had to set up a live ID to simply play the fucking game is ridiculous. And what happens if the Live server goes down? I can't even play the single player because the system cannot retrieve my ID or saves? Well fuck that!

I should mention the graphics, which are awesome if a little bland. The PC version benefits from a higher refresh rate and anti-Aliasing hardware, but the game is very much a brown/blue game. In their bid for realism, Epic decided that the game should be filtered through a Urine Lens (y'know, everything slightly yellowed) and features many wondrous brown and blue environments. Also, what the hell is the new generation of HD games obsession with unnatural light reflection and an overabundance of lens flare? I know current game engines just want to wank off in your face about how many effects they can chuck around, but sometimes it just gets overbearing. Reflections flare off everything regardless of material, and just give the game a sterile feel (if you want to see how to do lighting properly Epic, just take a look at the Source Engine).

As for the multiplayer components of GOW, what can I say you either like them or you don't. It's nowhere near as much fun as say <>Call of Duty 4 or Team Fortress 2 or even fellow 3rd person shooter Warhawk, and pales in comparison to the much better Unreal III which was released shortly afterward. Most people will say that I just don't get it which I find confusing and incorrect. I love tactical multiplayer (just take a look at last weeks Metal Gear Online review), but GOW just feels a bit slow and stale when compared to other multiplayer games. A good feature of the PC multiplayer however is the marvellous level editor (based on the fantastic editor from Unreal III). This gives the PC version a certain Longevity that the console version entirely lacks, and means that it should be the preferred version despite its cousins greater advertising and brand-backing.

Now I know that Xbox gamers are desperate for an Idol or mascot of some description since Mastercheif decided to jobbie all over his fanbase and defect to the PC, but they have to learn that Microsoft don't care. If a game makes serious dosh on the Xbox (and GOW did, grossing nearly three million units in 3 weeks) then the Microsoft Money Machine will always port it to the PC. What really stings for Xbox users is that the PC version is much better than the Xbox version, featuring more multiplayer options, better graphics and sound and an entirely new level in the campaign (which btw is the best one). But still, they grip onto GOW like it's the beard of our lord himself (Gordon Freeman of course), and the hype for GOW2 is huge (despite the new gameplay trailer revealing that it looks EXACTLY like the first game) although the game is simply alright (it's hardly Bioshock) as opposed to OMGMUSTPLAYNOWZ!

Now I have been very hard on Gears of War and I really need to be. Everywhere you go on the web these days seems to suggest that this is the best thing since a certain Italian plumber donned his red cap or a certain scientist first rose his crowbar in anger. It's like the Xbox user base are looking for a replacement for Halo and are willing to throw all faith into the GOW franchise. It's good but It's not great. If you are looking for a fun, action-packed game and you don't mind it being fairly samey throughout then buy the PC version. Failing that then go for the Xbox version. But don't proclaim it as the greatest game of all time in your bid to discover a new idol since the last one buggered off to whore itself out. 7/10 for the Xbox version and 8/10 for the PC (it benefits from better graphics, simpler controls and a brilliant Level Editor). This game is good, but not the second coming it has been made out to be...

Ho! Capcom! Get it sorted!!!

You may be wondering what the hell we're going on about? Well most of our American friends and all our European XBL using friends will have noticed that the rather new and wonderful Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix (try saying that after one too many Kopperbergs) is out and is being enjoyed by everybody – except the EU PS3 market. It is apparently coming to PS3 in Europe, but Capcom have no idea when. Not even a release date, or hypothesised time. This is crap and unfair, if you're going to do a worldwide release of a game, make sure it's actually world-wide!

Capcom, ya' big daft bastards with your silly release time policies = FAIL!!!

I saw the funniest rush ever in Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3. No seriously, it was so funny I think I almost choked on the sandwich I was eating at the time (it was Turkey if your interested). If you want to see it on action go to EA's official Red Alert page, but I'll basically give you the jist of it.

Essentially it's a rush for the Japanese army, The Empire of the Rising Sun. The Empire don't build their bases like the Soviets and Allies do, instead having fancy wee floating builders called Nano-cores that can deploy building anywhere on the map. So the Empire player builds three Refinery Cores immediately and a Barracks core. He then sends the three refineries toward the enemy base. He sets up the barracks near his MCV and then packs up his MCV, sending it too toward the enemy base.

The refinery cores set up right outside the enemy base, and are then sold leaving the player with three harvesters. Thee are switched to combat mode (something only the Japanese can do) and sent into the base. By this point their enemy will have only infantry or light vehicles at best, and the Japanese harvesters are surprisingly hardcore.

Whilst this nonsense is going on, the Japanese MCV makes it to the enemy base and deploys right next to the enemy MCV (or their most vital unit production building) and sells itself, leaving them an engineer which then captures whatever it was next to.

And while this Uber-nonsense was going on, the remaining funds are used to build a huge army of warriors and tankbuster which then flood the enemy base immediately after the capture destroying everything along with your crazy (and by now veteran) harvesters. This tactic is stupid, reckless, risky and a ridiculously funny to watch unfold.

- Seanron

It has been known for a long time now that Killzone 2 would be released in February of 2009, but we never were given a specific release date. On X-Play last week, the release date was announced to be February 27th, 2009. This is the release date for North America, but we can expect the European release to be around then as well…hopefully a worldwide release on the 27th? Here's hoping FPS fans ^^



Like it or not, Wii has undoubtedly introduced a new dimension to videogame interaction with both its motion control and unique, seperate-unit Wii Remote and Nunchuk set-up. So will Nintendo stick with its new-found set-up for its next generation, go for something even more elaborate or (unlikely) revert to a more traditional pad? It's a tough issue to tackle, says Shigeru Miyamoto.

"One of the challenges we've seen with the videogame industry is that we've come so far with what is now considered the classic videogame controller, when you're so used to using the same thing over and over again over many years, as a creator you run into creative blocks where it's hard to break out of that mould and come up with new ideas,".

"Of course, if I were to say that we were going to change the interface right away in the next generation, the people who have been learning to work with these controllers would be upset. But I would think that somewhere down the road you might find a way to make an even more intuitive type of interface that might make it even easier for people to interact with videogames," he added, intriguingly.
..a good example of how we make improvements on what has become the standard controller and we'll see that evolve and, again, we'll likely come to a point where people might run into those creative blocks after they've explored all of the opportunities for that controller. And then we'll move on to another new and different type of controller."

Bring on the VR headsets (ones that actually work).



Activision has named practically its entire 2009 line-up at an in-game advertiser meeting, including Infinity Ward's Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Speaking at an 'upfront' meeting with in-game ad company Massive Inc. Activision named its 2009 games including tentatively titled Guitar Hero 5, a new Tony Hawk's and Modern Warfare 2. The sixth CoD game was already confirmed to be under Infinity Ward's wing (and not World at War dev Treyarch), but this news thankfully confirms that number six isn't the rumoured sci-fi spin-off Sean was dreading. No details on the game were released, though it was roughly dated for release in autumn 2009.

Welcome one and all to issue 51 of THE QUEENS OF THE PWN AGE! And hot on the heels of Darren’s rather lovely Warcraft videolast week, Andi (the fourth quarter in the steaming juicy pie of gaming wisdom known as the QOTPA) has decided to jump to the front of the camera from her usual spot behind it and review Sony’s wonderful new LittleBigPlanet alongside QOTPA regular Sean. And that’s not all, cause Kenny also divulges his hallowed knowledge on a subject close to his heart, Super Mario World. So what you waiting for, get watching and reading and most of all ENJOY!!!

And because Kenny is INCREDIBLY paranoid that you lovely folk will forget him if you don't see his fair elven features at least once a week or hear his hushed, whispered tones of joyousness, he's only gone and made you all a wee hints video for one of his fave games of all time. So sit back and enjoy!

This week’s Corner of Fail is a somewhat heartfelt tale of sorrow for one of the QOTPA’s good friends. Last week, our friend Sephi, who was the one who kindly invited us to Auchinawa – last week, his Xbox 360 RROD’d. Now this is a predicament many Xboxers find themselves lumped with. But there is a bright side to this most horrible of affairs: cause his Xbox is away for repairs, he cannot play his shiny new copy of Gears of War 2. Which of course means he has lent it to us to review for next issue, you lucky people. However, the notorious RROD = FAIL!

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time turned 10 years old last Friday. Remarkably, even after a decade of technological advances and narrative achievements in gaming, it remains atop Gamer rankings list as the highest rated game of all time. However, if Eiji Aonuma (director of Ocarina and every subsequent Zelda title) has his way, the Hylian N64 classic will be dethroned in his lifetime. In a recent interview with Nintendo Power, Aonuma expressed his lofty career goals -- he plans to stick with the Zelda series until he creates a title that surpasses Ocarina of Time. This is fantastic news (especially for Kenny), as Aonuma's continued involvement with the series is likely the only reason we've yet to see a spin-off title featuring a gun-toting Dark Link 9Damn you Shadow you bastard!!!).



For two months in a row now, the Xbox 360 has solidly outsold the PlayStation 3. But in an interview last week, a PlayStation executive said that the Xbox 360's rise was a "blip" attributable to its September price cut and that the consoles would be neck and neck during the holidays.

"We're going to see a very tight race this holiday because of our gaming line-up," said John Koller, Sony's director of hardware marketing. "We're very bullish on holiday sales."

Of course, Microsoft is talking up its own holiday prospects, partly on the basis of its own titles, as well as the price cut, which brought the price of the Xbox 360 Arcade to $199. A Microsoft spokesman wrote last week, "Microsoft is uniquely positioned for a record breaking holiday and we look forward to sharing the results with you!" But Sony's Koller said that Microsoft's edge over the PS3 would not last through the holidays because sales boosts due to price drops have a "shelf life" of two to three months. For instance, after Sony cut the price of the PS3 in June 2007, sales jumped from 95,000 that month to 159,000 that July. In August 2007, they dropped to 130,000, though, and by September they had stabilized at 119,000, a level that they would maintain through that October.



What do you do when you don't want to drop the price of your console on the high street? You cut out retail, silly. Sony's offering a £40 discount on new 40Gb PS3’s through SonyStyle.co.uk, meaning you can pick a machine up for £269 right now. All the more reason to look into getting one this crimbo.



F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin, Monolith's sequel to the much-loved horror shooter, F.E.A.R., has been refused classification by the Australian Classifications Board, formerly known as the OFLC. The ACB banned F.E.A.R. 2 over what it claims is 'high violence' in its content. According to a representative from the distributor, "Warner is actively working through the appeal system with the ACB and is exhausting all options. We are doing all we can to get F.E.A.R. 2 released in the AU market." The game, which is slated for release on February 11 in Australia, is still far enough off that there is hope the game will make it through the appeals process and onto shelves unmodified in all other regions - though, Warner was unwilling to comment officially on this portion of the matter.

Well, we're back from Auchinawa, Glasgow's largest Anime Convention and can we just say we had one hell of a good time! We met so many weird and wonderful people it's unreal, and made many new and worthy allies in our great war against crap games review sites. We'd like to extend a huge amount of thanks to everyone who took the time to come and chat to us at Auchinawa, and to all our new friends and subscribers as well, we love you all.

But we can't just sit here reminiscing about the good times, we've got reviews to be doing! So lucky for you lot that Darren has completed his very first solo review on a game particularly close to his wee hairy heart: World of Warcraft. Or to be more precise, the brand new expansion Wrath of The Lich King featuring the titular Royal bastard himself Arthas/Ner'Zhul (we're not sure how it works either). Plus that and all our usual gaming nonsense. So read on dear people, and enjoy the stunning new issue from The Queens of The Pwn Age!

Hullo folks, Sean here! And man, we're knackered. Why you ask? Well we're still recovering from our guest appearances at AUCHINAWA! And can I just say it was fucking awesome! This isn't one of your fancy, company-sponsored shindigs either, no this is a grass-roots convention built by a dedicated team who just fucking love anime. It's now in its second year and we were more than happy to be there!



Now it was our first convention, and the myriad of sights and sounds was tremendous. Cos-players of all types, stalls selling creepily realistic dolls, a games room equipped with enough gaming gear to almost challenge us (almost, let's not get carried away), cross-dressing mulleted men, an anime screening-room with some of the best anime I've seen in a while and approximately nine million Naruto characters. All in all, a solid weekend!



It was also a first for us, as we got to meet two self-confessed fans (although we consider you guys more as friends) that have been with us for a long time. The rather hyperactive JJ4eva who spent the whole weekend being mental and running away from the superior beardy might of Darren and myself, and he lovely young Onikage who made our day by asking for a photo with us. We also met another good friend from our Bebo site in passing (HI MEGZY!) but we'll get her next time (shakes fist).





But we also made a whole bunch of new friends too. The rather eccentric Moley: king of trading card games, The Miami Vice Squad: who were meant to be characters from Final Fantasy but looked like hip 1980's cops instead, A male Marilyn Monroe impersonator with some very extreme chest implements indeed who is also the proud owner of a signed QOTPA orange work shirt, and many, many more. I'm sorry if I haven't remembered your name or mentioned you here, but I am very, very tired!



But I'll stop prattling on now, have a look at some of these pics below, and also check out our Auchi folder. Thanks guys, you made it an awesome weekend! See you in 2010 ;) And for everyone who wants to see our antics at this most awesome of conventions, well stay tuned for the DVD which will be coming soon ;)











We're well fed up here at QOTPA HQ. Why you might ask? Well we're sick of beggars.



No, not the ones you find on the street (we're socially aware types around here…well at least Kenny is). We're talking about YouTube beggars, and believe me when I say they are infuriating.

You may remember a few weeks back we did a video review of the rather lovely Killzone 2 beta. We did this cause we liked it, and we fancied sharing some of its joys with you lovely lot. And we're quite chuffed that it is our most popular video to date and still gets a bugger-load of views on our YouTube channel every day.

However, it has brought out the woodwork some of the most moronic and annoying individuals we've had the misfortune to encounter. We literally get inundated with personal messages from tons of completely random strangers asking for us to share the Beta with them. Well chaps the answer is NO!. These requests come in all shapes and sizes ranging from the subtle "add me to PSN, maybe we can share some games ^^" to the downright retarded "Can too have Killzone Betz Plz?". And one guy sent us the rather disturbing "Here's my PSN, give me the Killzone Beta". What's with these moronic bastards?

We love that people are interested in Killzone 2, and we love that so many come to us to get our opinion, but we ain't gonna share our Beta, so quick begging. Random YouTube Beta Beggars = FAIL!

It's the news PS3 users have been waiting for: After January 2009, all PS3 titles must be fully Trophy-compatible. This news was broken last week and much rejoicing has taken place in the PS3 community. The Trophy system is of course based on the XBL achievement system, but with more of a focus on types of Trophies and experience. This also see's the death knell of annoying Trophy Patches to make games compatible, and also says goodbye to having to replay entire games to get those much sought-after Platinum's.



And more good news: Street Fighter IV finally has a release date! PS3 and Xbox users should expect to get their fists on Capcom's fighting behemoth in the US on the 17th February 2009 and the UK will get it three days later on the 20th. The QOTPA can hardly wait!!!



It's going to be a very merry Christmas for the employees of Nintendo Australia off the back of some stunning sales figures for the region over the past financial year. Independent research by GfK Australia, which supplied the latest figures, has shown that the Nintendo DS currently has an install base in Australia of more than 1.5 million units. According to a press release by Nintendo Australia itself, this makes Nintendo DS the fastest selling console to reach this milestone in 194 weeks. Similarly Wii has reached the milestone of 750,000 units sell through in 102 weeks, making Wii the fastest selling console to hit this mark.



After 2 short years the Champion Gaming Series will be shutting its doors. Here's the official press release

AN IDEA WHOSE TIME CAME TOO EARLY

Today BSkyB, STAR and DIRECTV ended their Championship Gaming Series® (CGS) joint venture.
While the concept was ahead of its time and we are extremely proud of what we ve accomplished, it became increasingly clear as this ambitious project evolved, that profitability was too far in the future for us to sustain operations in the interim. Our goal was to be ahead of the curve in the e-sports space, and conceived of CGS as a true sports league. We invested wholeheartedly in the venture and presented viewers with a top-notch production, but the economics just didn t add up for us at this time.
Our only regret is that we will lose a team of creative and talented individuals who invested their hearts and souls into Championship Gaming Series. We recognize their achievements and thank them for their hard work and passion.
BSkyB, STAR and DIRECTV continue to be committed to the video games sector, which is an important part of many of our customers lives and a great source of entertainment.

A sad day for the gaming community…oh well, back to playing LittleBIGplanet!

Eegad! Where the Hell is the new QOTPA issue?

Fear not good people, we've not lost it. You'd need to be living under a rock to not know that the QOTPA are going to be exclusive guests at the Auchinawa Anime Convention in Glasgow next week, and we've been busying ourselves in getting ready for this most awesome of events. This means that there won't be a proper issue this week. But fear not, as we did find the time to squeeze in a review of the brand new Command & Conquer: Red Alert 3 till we get back to normal. Enjoy!!!







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Yeah, ok, we're a couple of days late, but hey we don't update our page till Sunday and better late than never, eh? To make up for the shocking lateness of our festiveness we are bringing you perhaps the BIGGEST issue we've ever done. We bring you not one, not two but THREE new reviews and two classic ones that you may have missed. That's FIVE suitably scary reviews for you to get your cannibalistic chops around. So without further ado, let's get on with the QOTPA HALLOWEEN SPECIAL!!!







So by now you have seen our Dead Space review, sitting just above this review in all it's video based glory. And as you can see we appreciated it a fair big deal! But for me the definative horror game will always be doom and it's bastard children sequels and offspring.

I've already talked about my love for Doom 1&2 waaaaaaaaay back when we first started the Queens of the Pwn Age (over a year ago now!) but Doom 3 has been sadly neglected... until now!

When a game comes out and computer sales men start using it as a benchmark to rate their computers you know something special is happening. I remember buying a new PC at around about the time Doom 3 was due to come out and the number of computer shops that ditched talking about graphics cards, memory processors and what not and change their whole discription of a machine to "It'll play Doom 3.. on HIGH" was amazing. Nowadays we work on the Crysis benchmark of course... but it's funny to think that Doom 3 was the Crysis of it's time. I guess what I am so slowly getting at is this game was stunningly beautiful when it was first released, and it still looks damn good even now, four years later.

Retarded as this sounds.. and it does sound mighty retarded... the Doom marine is one of my favourite characters in the computer game world. Sure he never speaks, has no name, and wears a helmet the majority of the time. But hey! I reckon he's the kinda dude you could have a drink with! His character really seems to come out from the inevitable gameplay of Doom 3, which harkens back so well to it's predecessors of eleven years earlier.

Most first person shooters now are all about keeping the enemy at bay, being incredibly cautious, taking cover and jumping up for a few shots. Cunning, planning, stealth... yanno, all that boring jizz. Doom 3 still works on "run and gun" tactics. Grab a weapon and charge head long into battle, and when the shit hits the fan, run away as quick as you can. It plays less like the realisim of Call of Duty and more like the craziness of unreal tournament. And for me it birthed a whole play style I like to call "Doom marining" that I use in basically every FPS, even the ones where it is totally iappropriate, the idea of which is to grab a shotgun and run at the enemy screaming my tits off and blasting shotgun shells everywhere. Now THAT is STEALTH!

But Doom isn't all about running about like a psycho. It also succeeds in the same way Dead Space does, ie: scaring your nuts off. The game uses horror staples such as darkness, rooms caked in blood and, of course, toilets to keep you on edge. But more than that, Doom made great use of things like screaming coming through your radio, personal logs of other people who fell prey to demons, and spooky growling and sounds coming from all around you. All of these things seem so obvious now with games like F.E.A.R. and Dead Space (to name but two of many) learning from doom and using them to great effect. I remember a whole level of hearing Mancubus....es... erm.. Mancubi? yanno, the fat dudes, before actually meeting them and in many ways the build up to these new monsters is even more terrifying than meeting them. Being hunted by an Archvile for level after level before eventually being faced by him (and his friends) nearer the end of the game produces a real fear of these monsters. Not to mention little set peices. I remember walking down a corridor that wound up in a dead end, slighty peeved I turned round only to hear someone whisper in my ear "they took my baby" (headphones ftw) and then see bloody footprints walking up the corridor ahead of me accompanied by the sound of a baby crying (scariest sound in the world! Sounds like... commitment :P )this one little incident feels so much like F.E.A.R that you could almost believe the whole of F.E.A.R was based on it.

Afraid of the dark? Bad news buddy, you can't use your flash light and gun at the same time. So you have to choose between being able to see and being able to fight. I think this element is fantastic and really really adds a sense of fear.

There are downsides of course. The soulcube mor eor less ruins the game the second you get it and the final Cyberdemon fight is incredibly dissapointing, particularly as Cyberdemons were one of my favourite demons in the first few doom games. The Hell knights and Barons of hell seem to have a lot less character than they did in the first few doom games (although they are still very scary. Although I love it all the same!

Doom games will always be a winner to me... so here's hoping Doom 4 will be out before long!

9/10, well worth a play! Buy it, play it, love it!



Hello! Happy Halloween to all you people out there on the interweb.

We all love a bit of horror and we I know you all love a bit of gaming, otherwise what the hell are you doing always coming back to this place where we review game after game after game!

So what better way to celebrate both these loves than by grabbing them by the short and curlies, throwing them into bed together to produce the worlds greatest love child.... Survival Horror!.... and what more mighty example is there in this genre than the title that arguably was the first of its kind, Resident Evil

Join me on a journey through time and space to Aug 1st 1996, to a time when the now mighty Sony Computer Entertainment was just getting its toes wet in the world of gaming via the classic PSOne. It's a time of simple pleasures for Sony when world domination seemed so achievable when pitted against the puny Sega Saturn *giggle* and the slightly more formidable enemy the Nintendo 64.

This is a time of pretty happy games for pretty happy people (so just Kenny then) with titles such as Tomb Raider, Crash Bandicoot and Diablo gracing our machines. It's in this time of quiet joy that Capcom kick down the door and slam a cold hard slice of fear into beloved console and scare the be-jesus out the world!

For the un-initiated, Resident Evil sees you taking control of 1 of 2 members of the S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team, Chris Redfield or Jill Valentine, who are searching for their compatriots of the Bravo Team who have gone missing in a remote area of the Arklay Mountains and its here that things start to get a bit fucked for our would be rescuers. Finding the crashed chopper of the Bravos, you are forced to retreat to the old Spencer Mansion to escape the hounds chasing you. Welcome to the home of nightmares!

It's from here that you take control of your chosen character, being a member of a 1337 core of cops you decide to split up to find the missing members of your team and try to find some way back to safety because how dangerous could this old abandoned house be.... really??....

Safety of course was never on the menu, specially when your treated to the FMV of the "man" bent over the corpse of Bravo member Kenneth Boyle (I mean Sullivan) chewing through his neck until it rolls across the floor, that is until he spots you and turns his gore covered face towards you and decides you are a far tastier snack. At this point you realise from that this is no mere man..... It's Sean in the morning!!! (aka zombie)

This is your core enemy and indeed core enemy of the saga, at least until RE4, joining the horde of zombies you face in this most homely of homes are crows, snakes, dogs, sharks, plants and the far more fun/interesting/deadly hunters and chimeras. Mingled in among these creatures that go bump in the night are a few boss creatures in the form of a giant plant, a giant snake, a giant spider (spot a theme here?) and a hulking great big man made from bits of loads of people called Tyrant, or Saddam to his friends.

All this alone would of course be far too easy, so to add that extra element of fun you have to solve various puzzles and survive a number of booby traps (lol he said booby). From simple put thing in hole (that's what she said wooo) to the more fun click the right pictures in the right order and mixing the V-Jolt chemicals.

All in all Resident Evil covers all the bases for a fanboy like me, cheesey voice acting, puzzles, guns and the undead with an awesome story to boot. So for this particular zombie riddled game, and for the entire series infact (apart from Outbreak 1&2 ofc :p) it's a big fat 10/10.


And now two blasts from the past: two of our previous reviews which we feel benefit from a second airing, especially on Halloween ^^ First up Sean takes a long hard look at his beloved Silent Hill 2 and Andrea get's aggressive with F.E.A.R. Enjoy!!!



It can rarely be said that I am a subtle person. I'm generally not into the concept of things such as nuance and subtext< and generally my gaming reflects this. I play the Scrin in C&C3, the Pyro in TF2, The Strogg in Enemy Territories: Quake Wars and I play the Orks in Warhammer 40K; each of these choices being about as subtle as an active grenade in a sock covered in nails. However, I am no stranger to games with good stories and depth, as my dalliances with Final Fantasy and Metal Gear Solid will no doubt testify. However, if there is one game that can make me forget my unsubtle ways, that can make me embrace nuance with both hands and allow me lose myself completely in its various subtexts, it is the staggeringly beautiful, achingly lonely, nightmarish lullaby that is Silent Hill 2.

Silent Hill 2 is the 2001 Playstation 2 sequel to the Psone's Silent Hill. It is set in the fictional town of Silent Hill, in which people are drawn to and encounter their inner horrors and fears in a very real and horrific fashion. The original game introduced the small mining town, the secretive and bizarre cult that inhabited it and it's nightmarish Other World in which the town takes on the visage of a hellish industrial nightmare. It was a hit on the PSone, with its truly psychological slant on horror distancing itself from previous horror titles such as Resident Evil and Dino Crisis. It did however cop out toward the end of the game, where everything took on a slightly Satanic feel, and while the ending was awesome, still felt at odds with the very personal and horrific nature of the rest of the game. Silent Hill 2 however makes no such mistake, and proves itself to be one of the loneliest and most achingly sad love stories ever written.

Yes, that's right, Silent Hill 2 is a love story. A love story set in a nightmarish Survival Horror game, but a love story nonetheless. The main protagonist is one James Sunderland is a store clerk, whose wife Mary had been struck down by a fatal disease three years earlier. Then one day, James receives a mysterious letter apparently from Mary, telling him to meet her in their Special Place: the town of Silent Hill. So James sets off toward the town and this is where the player takes control of the game. Now before you read the review I warn you now that it contains Spoilers to the story, but I cannot help but talk about them in order to convey how much I love this game. So if you want to play it, or are currently playing it, then I'm giving it 10/10, stop reading and go play the game. However if you wish to know why it is such an awesome game, then dear reader, continue.

Your quest in Silent Hill 2 is essentially to guide James through the fog-shrouded town of Silent Hill. You meet very few characters along the way, and the town is utterly desolate and empty. This gives the player a feeling of utter loneliness, the feeling being strengthened by the other characters you meet in the town. None of them are sympathetic to James' cause and although one (Maria, who we'll talk about later) seems to want to help James in locating Mary, your world is turned on is head toward the end. Also, although there are monsters and demons in this game, this simply deepens your isolation, as your struggle seems to be entirely useless and alone. Now I do love a bit of misery in a story, but Silent Hill 2 just feels incredibly sad and desolate, which is a stupendous achievement for a game. Whereas the original was scary because of the hellish environment and monsters, Silent Hill 2 is scary on a very human level; nobody wants to be alone, nobody wants to lose what they love, and this game is a testimony to these very human fears.

The game is viewed from the third-person, which also works in the games favour. Whereas games like Doom 3 and F.E.A.R scare you through the characters eyes, actually seeing James reminds the player of how human James is. He's just a normal person, not some crazy gun-toting psychopath or Kung Fu/Jedi master. He isn't trained to fight the various monsters that assault him, or know how to use a firearm effectively. This furthers the games tension, as you cannot simply fight everything you encounter in Silent Hill. You're genuinely at a disadvantage, and your life constantly feels in danger, which is awesome. The game was also released on the original Xbox, but never did as well as the PS2 version (Konami later went on to say that they felt the Xbox fan base simply didn't get what the game was about…burn!). The feeling of weakness also draws the player closer to James' struggle, and makes the ending a real kick in the nuts when it arises, making the player question "would I have done the same, am I capable of doing what James has done?" For this reason, Silent Hill 2 is a brilliant look at the human mind and a beautiful study in human emotions. There is a reason why this game is used by psychology students in Europe and Japan, and that is how realistic and questioning its portrayal of human nature is.

And the personification of the lonliness and despair is the character of Maria, a woman that James meets very early in the game. What makes her unnerving to James is that she looks exactly like his wife, only a hyper-sensual version of her (whereas Mary is portrayed in James' memories as quite a sedate dresser with natural brown hair and very little make-up, Maria wears a tight low-cut red shirt, knee-high leather boots, miniskirt, red lipstick and dyed hair) and agrees to accompany James through the town. Now for those of you who don't know, Silent Hill is essentially the place people come for punishment (albeit, they do not realise this) and Maria is one part of the town's punishment for James. Before Mary died, she was incredibly sickly and weak, and James felt suffocated by having to care for her. He also felt incredibly frustrated by the fact that he could not be with her intimately or anyone else for that matter. This has given him a huge weight of guilt, as he was supposed to be caring for Mary, not having lustful thoughts. Maria is a curve ball that his own psyche (and the town) throws at him. There is a chance that Mary is alive, and here is this sensual woman who keeps alluding to wanting James, and he is torn in two by his faithfulness to Mary and his desire for Maria.

But here is the shocker [[[SPOILER ALERT]]] Mary isn't alive, and neither is Maria. They are both constructs of James' mind in order to punish himself. Maria is the personification of James' sexual frustration and the letter from Mary is a mental block stopping him from admitting the truth; Mary didn't die from her disease, James smothered her to death to alleviate both her pain and hi personal torment. This is brilliantly portrayed in-game as the actual letter from Mary is an inventory item. As you progress through the game, sections of it start to vanish or change, and eventually all writing vanishes totally. At the very end of the game, after James has endured so much pain and horror (all self-inflicted we discover) the letter actually vanishes from it's envelope, revealing it to simply be the fabrication it was. The entire game is simply James coming to the realisation of what he has done, and how it has utterly destroyed him. This all may seem fairly high concept, but it works fantastically well, and I actually cried when I completed the game, it is just that sad. Call me a fag or whatever for weeping, but this game triggers responses that take it beyond simply gaming and into the realm of pure art.

The voice acting in this game (and all the Silent Hill franchise, excluding the abortion that was Silent Hill Origins) is superb, and much like Metal Gear Solid each character is very detailed no matter the amount of screen time they get. James is far from the silent protagonist, and it is utterly heart-breaking to watch his world unravel and his confusion break him. Maria is perhaps one of the greatest characters in video gaming history because of her complexity; she essentially is a fairly bipolar personification of James' feelings for his wife. At one minute she is incredibly sensual, tapping into James frustration (and actually appearing incredibly attractive to the player also) and others she seems needy and border-line psychotic revealing James' frustration a Mary during her diminishing years. Then there is Angela, a young woman who James meets at the very beginning of the game. She appears lost and confused, and is apparently searching for her mother. As you encounter her from then on, she seems utterly full of despair and suicidal. You eventually enter into her inner fear which links to her being raped as a child by her father. She killed her Father for what he had done, but cannot forgive herself, eventually leading her to Silent Hill.

It is here that Konami also score points; the link between sex and death and how human emotion can come to fear both. Many of the monsters encountered throughout the game appear vaguely human, albeit dominantly female. There are creatures resembling mutated mannequins with long sensual legs, creatures that hang from the ceiling that resembled mutilated girls bodies with ravenous mouths where their crotch should be and the by now famous nurses with scandalously tight, low-cut tops and heaving cleavages, but utterly distorted and mutilated faces. All these creatures link back to James' psyche; his years of sexual frustration, and his own self-loathing at having these desires has manifested in him both being attracted to and hating/fearing the female form. The town (well known for taking your inner fears and warping them into flesh) means the monsters are all the more frightening because of their horrific sexual overtones. When you encounter Angela toward the end of the game, she is being attacked by a large rectangular monster that resembles a table with some sort of cancerous growth on its back. Closer inspection reveals the lump to be two figures lying over the table, one large one holding down the smaller, and then it hits you; This creature represents Angela's fear and love for her father. By killing it you save her, but then she hates you for killing her 'father'. It is in this ambiguity and sexually dark and oppressive environment that Silent Hill 2 truly scares you. And another reason the game scares you is its most iconic monstrosity; Pyramid Head

Referred to as the Red Pyramid Thing by Konami, the Red Pyramid by the actual in-game coding and Pyramid Head by the legion of fans Silent Hill 2 has garnered, the old bastard is possibly one of the most frightening and interesting creatures in the entire franchise. He is James' desire for punishment made flesh, and is at the same time James' adversary and also James himself. He pursues James throughout the game, draped in a blood-soiled apron and dragging a huge cleaver around with him. Upon his shoulders rests an archaic triangular torture device, and he is unnaturally strong and resilient. In this he represents James' hatred for himself for killing Mary; James wants Pyramid Head to kill him but somehow always flees from him as he wraps himself in more denial. Eventually Pyramid Head kills Maria and James breaks down, the same guilt for his killing of Mary happening all over again. It is then that a white version of Pyramid Head comes into being, and James has to battle both at the same time. Only when James accepts that both Mary and Maria are dead because of him do the Pyramid heads kill themselves, the need for punishment is no more, and James comes to terms with his own monstrous actions. It should also be noted that Pyramid Head is the only obviously male monster in the game (apart from Angela's 'Father'), and this is with good reason. He represents James' lust made manifest as well as his desire for punishment, even killing, beating and in one very shocking and memorable scene raping the other very feminine monsters. This makes him truly terrifying as not only is he a violent monster, but also an utterly depraved one and reveals not only James' apparent lust for woman but also his barely concealed fear and hatred of them.

And I would be doing the game a grave injustice if I did not mention its music. The music is composed by one of my all-time favourite musicians, the fantastic Akira Yamaoka. Throughout the game there is lilting synths, light piano and achingly sad acoustic guitar melodies always just at the border of being heard. And then, when things turn ugly (and they always turn ugly in Silent Hill) we are met with harsh industrial bangs, scrapes and sounds of agonised hell. But Akira's genius lies not in what we hear, but in what we do not hear. Silence is used fantastically in the game, with one particular section coming to mind. James is in an apartment building in the centre of Silent Hill, and the sound stops completely once James enters it. The only sounds that can be heard is the sound of James running and breathing. The silence goes on for an unbearable amount of time, and coupled with the darkness of the apartments, truly scares the player. Then out of nowhere, you hear a baby cry out in pain. You run in the direction of the cry and find a pram full of blood with a revolver inside (blatantly ripped off by Bioshock later on btw). Once you've investigated the room and decided that there is noone there, you go out the door and there is Pyramid Head, standing in the hall just staring at you through a set of Iron Bars. Your so on edge due to the silence then the scream that the appearance of this Monster (who cannot hurt you just yet) makes you jump and puts you on edge from that point.

Now I could go on and on about Silent Hill 2. I could go into depth about the intricacies of James and Maria's relationship, I could discuss the music and its representations for hours at length, Hell I could even reveal to you why Silent Hill 2 links to the games after that (and yes, Silent Hill 4: The Room is a partner piece to Silent Hill 2, anyone who says otherwise doesn't get it!) however that's not what people want to read. They want to know "Is it worth playing" and the answer is yes! Silent Hill 2 is the most achingly sad love story in the world EVER. It is this kind of game that makes you look at other games and ask why they cannot be this good. It is the kind of game you hope the new Texan developers of Silent Hill V understand (although Texans generally get psychological horror about as much as I get The Sims, ie; not at all). Go now and play Silent Hill 2, I promise you will not be disappointed. And if you play it through, and feel nothing for it's intricate and despair-filled beauty, then you have no soul and are no friend of mine. Silent Hill 2; beautiful, breath taking, terrifying, alluring and downright awesome. 10/10. It is here, and it is waiting for you…





Hi! So, this is my first review. Oh! I'm Andi by the way. I'm usually the one stuck behind the camera, but this week I complained so much about having to photograph the guy's naked bodies that they let me do a review instead. The only thing is I have a very special relationship with the games that I play. It pretty much just involves a lot of swearing and throwing things at the TV protesting "there's no fucking way that guy should still be alive I shot him enough times to kill a horny rage infected zombie bear"

But when I started to play F.E.A.R a strange mixture of my insane phobia about little Japanese girls and crazy nightmares about cannibals (one too many zombie movies. It was the baby zombie in Dawn of the Dead that pushed me over the edge) seemed to make me too afraid to shout or throw things but instead made me cower on the sofa, and the only protesting I did was: "My hand always shook that way! Its fine!" But, apart from freaking out every so often, I was totally glued to this game. So I should probably tell you about the plot! F.E.A.R. Files is two games really: EXTRACTION POINT and PERSEUS MANDATE

The first, Extraction Point, is a continuation of F.E.A.R. , you play the same super solder as in the original, and it picks up from the end of F.E.A.R. when you think you killed the bad guy and made a clean getaway in the helicopter. Think again. First your helicopter crashes and it just gets better from there. In the first game you were fighting an army of clones mind controlled by their leader Paxton Fettel, another super solder gone mad after finding out about your mother (or at least the woman used in the experiments to create you… I think… that's where the story gets its sci-fi conspiracy thing going.) After you killed him all the clone soldiers switched off, so when you crawl out of the helicopter they are all just standing around perfectly still like the unemployed or students. Pretty quickly you get split from your group. And that guy you think you killed? He comes back and he isn't very happy that you killed him… after a chat with him all of the solders turn back on. You are in a room full off them when they do so you mow every one down using you super fast slow down reaction thingy *, rob up their gear and spend there rest of the game trying to find your team and get the hell out of there! But, in true first person shooter horror style, every time you do mange to find one of your team they get magnificently ripped apart by the dwelling dark beings, who are friends of your mother: Alma. Who is sometimes a scary little girl in a red dress who tries to set you on fire, or sometimes a naked woman with the long black hair who… Well, she's trying to burn you too. Sometimes. But most of the time she's just there being frightening or coming towards you or standing behind you…

It's terrifying…

After a few run ins with her (and the death of all of the team that you found) you're told to go to the roof of a building for a another helicopter. Getting to the roof of the building would have hard enough without the weird two legged tanks that are kickin' around. I don't know why they would be keeping those things in a building, they must have come flat packed, and then when the clone army guys tried to get it outside it wouldn't fit. They probably found clone army soldier Brian and said: "Brian damn it! Why did you build it on the second floor!"… And poor Brian must have been shitting it, cause little did they know but he already build one up on the roof. When you take out Brian's robotic monstrosity on the roof and the other 40,000,000 cloned solders you get another little visit from Paxton Fettel, who is not very happy about you trying to leave. After all, he didn't do this entire coming back from the dead and surprise you so you could just leave after 5 minutes and you didn't even have cake! So he blows up the helicopter and the game ends with every one scratching their heads… or maybe just me, I don't know.

Ok! Now to PERSEUS MANDATE

This one is a little more complicated. It's time line starts at beginning of FEAR. You play a FEAR sergeant and are sent down to the city in a team of three to investigate the company: letting you find more about Project Perseus and the bio-research involving Alma… well not really that much more. After your team looks around a bit it isn't long before you meet some clone solders, have a bit of a fight, then get separated. You are still in radio contact and carry out some missions on your own in agreement you will meet up later.

You fight through the city not just facing the clone army but also an army of mercenaries called the Nightcrawlers working for some Senator. You find out later he's trying to get Alma's DNA and your main objective is to capture Gavin Morrison who works for him. You track this guy down and you think you have him… you can see him there and just when you go to get him the shitting Origin facility blows up and the bastard gets away! This is when the heeby-jeeb's start happening. You get visits from Alma in all her naked burny glory, you find your friend and you fall into an old part of the city's subway where he gets eaten by pool of blood. A pool which, by the way, isn't a big fan of yours either and gets you when ever its least convenient. You also start to have ghostly chats with Paxton Fettel. I wasn't to happy with that, it felt like he was cheating on your other character with this one, and you know he's seeing them at the same time as well, THE SUPERNATURAL HUSSY

The worst thing is that the supernatural sci-fi bits weren't the scary bits of this game, it was the vast amount off bad guys you had to face at once. The city eventually became complete mayhem! Just hundreds of soldiers, trying to kill each other. But when you got in the way they were more than happy to stop what they were doing to shoot the crap out of you for a while. When you eventually do fight you way though the insane amount of enemies you catch up to Gavin Morrison who is being kept in a cage by the Nightcrawlers (either because they double crossed him or that's just how they treat all their guests) so you free him and you both head for a secret way out of the city but before you make it Alma hits him with a truck turning him to jam… and he's not much help to you after that. The point seems to be that the Nightcrawlers want Alma's DNA and after you fail to stop them from getting it there's nothing left to do but go get it back for one Nightcrawler Commander, which you eventually do after taking out every one of the stupid mercenaries You make your final get away in the helicopter, this is the end off the game but we all know how well helicopter rides go in this game… so we'll just wait and see

This game was a nice add-on to the F.E.A.R collection but as a game in its self doesn't really stand-alone. The first game: extraction point was by far my favourite as it was most like FEAR. Same character, same story, return of fantastic bad guy and same superb scary bits, which made the whole game for me! They were terrifying. I loved how most important parts of plot weren't cut scenes. You could move and react and this gave me a real chance to panic. Extraction point didn't really progress the plot though and this was left to Perseus mandate, which felt really different from the original game. The story wasn't about your character; you always felt as if you where playing a game about your "other character" and the missions themselves gave you information but didn't seem to really get you anywhere. Looking back this game just didn't seem to take you anywhere, although it did open up some new ideas.

So I'm going to give this an 8/10, and I'm still totally looking forward to project origin, can't wait!

* The super soldier that you play has an ability to slow down time. In this time you won't go any faster than anyone else, but it does give you more time to react. This is what I refer to when I say : "super fast slow down reaction thingy ". I put this little note because when I read over the review I realised the term "super fast slow down reaction thingy " didn't really mean anything. At all.

Y'know, being critical isn't always a bad thing. Indeed, as games reviewers being critical is essentially what we do. We look into gaming's murky depths and examine and poke at what we find there. But we don't do it out of spite, we don't do it out of maliciousness. No! We do it because we love gaming. We loe the gaming community, and we are proud to be part of it. But when does being critical take a step over the line and degenerate into madness?

This week's corner is dedicated to a group of people I guarantee that anyone with an internet connection has encountered. You know the ones. They are the one's who crawl across forum boards spouting rhetoric on any and every subject presented, even those they have no experience or genuine opinion on. They are the one's whom on YouTube, for lack of anything intelligent to say will say something inane such as "hur hur – that one look's like a girl, h'yuck!". They are the Page-Point Scorers: people dedicated to getting their word in no matter the subject. Our recent Killzone 2 Beta review seemed to summon many of these morons from the woodwork, and now we wish we could send them back to their dark domains where they belong.

We all hate these individuals. They ruin perfectly good web-conversations. They seem to rule the roost in forums simply because they post more than anyone else. I say we hunt them down and set them on fire, see how they like a bit of flaming. So, Page-Point Scorers and your inane drivel = FAIL!

Y'know, I love scary shit me. Not literally faecal matter that is capable of inflicting fear upon individuals. No, no I mean scary movies. Scary books! Scary Games! I'm just into me horror basically. And as myself and fellow Queen Darren finished our bloody (and brilliant) journey through EA's Dead Space it got me thinking – "What exactly is it I like about Horror games?"

So I sat and wrangled my brain into a process of cohesive thought, and came up with this fine little list, plus the games you'll most likely find it in. ENJOY!

1: Bathrooms



I don't know what it is, but for some reason Bathrooms and Toilets in computer games are horrific. From as early as Resident Evil and through to the blood-soaked walls of Doom 3, bathrooms in horror games instantly stab an icy vein of terror into any gamer.

2: Shadows



A horror game just ain't horrific unless it can get shadows right. Dead Space takes its cue from Doom 3 and the fantastic Alien film franchise. Cloaking the horrors that might be in shadow is one guaranteed way to get your player to cack their pants!

3: Babies, Children and Dolls



What is it about kids in horror games that just freak the living shit out of you? From the utterly deranged Alma in the FEAR series, to those fucking horrible Doll Monsters in Condemned 2, small child-like creatures have always spelt the shakes in even the most hardened of gamers.

4: Silence…



All good horror games need an awesome, spine tingling soundtrack to suck you in and immerse you in their world. But the geniuses behind the Silent Hill series know that silence is an equally effective sonic weapon. Everyone dreads the calm before the storm, but when the calm is incredibly long and devoid of all sound, well then you know your in trouble.

5: Voices in the dark



Whispering is possible the most horrifying sound in the world when playing a game, especially when you KNOW there is noone else in the room with you. Is your character going insane, or are they receiving messages from beyond the grave? It matters not, cause it is fucking scary either way. Dead Space does this brilliantly as did the mighty, mighty Doom 3 before it.

6: Being Human in an Alien Environment



Why is Cold Fear just slightly scarier than the Resident Evil series (yup, you read that right). Because the Resi characters are almost invincible demi-gods in our eyes now, whereas your character in Cold Fear is just a coastguard. He drives a boat, he doesn't know shit about fighting monsters. Why is Silent Hill scary (on the most basic level). Because you're an ordinary person in a hellish environment. Could you honestly go toe to toe with a Zombie and live?

7: It's all about perspective



Both the first and third person perspective genres bring different qualities to the Survival-horror party. Games like Doom 3, FEAR and Condemned force you to take in the horror with your own eyes, there is no barrier separating you from the madness. However, a third-person game such as Silent Hill, Resident Evil and the new Dead Space humanises your character, makes you feel more fragile and shows how small you are in comparison to your nightmarish surroundings!

And finally 8: GORE!!!



Where would horror gaming be without gore. I cannot imagine (or even comprehend) a Horror game that didn't have at least a pint of the red stuff sloshing about in it.!!!

In our recent Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning review a few weeks back, we pointed out that EA-Mythic had removed some of the classes from the game in order to get the game out slightly quicker. Well worry not folks, as the good folks at WAR HQ are releasing a new patch that puts two of the missing classes back in the game right where they belong. The Empire will be bolstered by The Knights of The Blazing Sun and The Dark Elves will be reinforced with the help of the frightening Black Guard. Both are dedicated Tanking classes, and should even the balance of the game further.



Further news from EA, the rather lovely demo for Mirror's Edge went live this week on both XBL and PSN. The demo consists of a few quick training exercises and the first full mission, which mirrors the gorgeous gameplay video released a few weeks back. Judging by the gameplay evident on this demo, EA could be onto another winner!



And the sequel most thought would never happen finally has a Trailer! Bioshock II: Sea of Dreams now has it's official trailer on Gametrailers.com, and also exclusively as an extra on the PS3 port of the game. Judging by the sumptuous visuals of the trailer, Bioshock II is going to prove very special indeed!



DATELINE: TOKYO, JAPAN — Hundreds of people queued to be among the first to buy Nintendo's latest games console on Saturday, as the Japanese electronic giant unveiled the Nintendo Dsi, featuring a built-in camera and enhanced sound. Around 300 video game fans queued before opening hours at an electronics store in Tokyo's shipping district of Yurakucho to buy the third and latest model in Nintendo's DS line.The first shipments of the DSi sold out before lunchtime at many shops in the capital's electronics district of Akihabara, retailers said, forcing them to place orders for more. The new console, which sells for 18,900 yen (roughly $178 or just over £100.00), has a similar design to its predecessor the DS Lite, but is slimmer and has a slightly larger 3.25-inch screen. The DSi will be launched overseas as early as next spring, Nintendo president Satoru Iwata said Friday, adding that the company plans to introduce different coloured models alongside the current options of black and white.

Private Open Beta's. For some people they are the Holy Grail of gaming, a way to let you know you've made it in the gaming community. For others they are unfair, elitist boys clubs where only the ultra-geeky get in. Which statement is true? Well a little bit of both really. But do not fear folks, for there is someone on your side. The Queens of The Pwn Age have gained access to the ultra-secretive Killzone 2 Beta, and us being us, just had to let you people in on this games secrets, both dirty and stunningly white! Read on dear fellows!!!











We've covered these idiots before, but with the new Killzone 2 Beta causing uproar on our humble household, we feel it's time to take a pop at these wankers again: Team Killers

Now Team-killers (or TKR's for short) are individuals who gleefully slaughter their own team in any game (although they are mostly centred around the FPS genre). Why do they do this? Could be boredom, could be a sadistic sense of mischief or it could more realistically be that they are just wankers. Here's a sweeping statement for you: ALL TEAM-KILLERS ARE MORONS AND DESERVE TO BE SHOT!.

Now we can accept accidental TKing. Y'know how it is, you're in a hectic fire fight and you accidentally kill an ally in the combat, someone is spraying an area with fire and you accidentally run into it, or a missile is fired and catches a friend who runs into said room at the last moment. All these, whilst annoying, are forgivable, especially when you have the guts to say "sorry man, I'm such a moron!!!".

No, the people we hate are the ones who do it on purpose, the ones who decides "y'know what? Instead of playing this game properly, I'm going to pick off my unsuspecting team-mates, cause I have an infuriatingly small penis". What's even worse is when it happens on a Beta. A Beta you have been invited to, and you basically act like a dick when there are a hundred other people who would love to have that Beta Spot and play properly. So, Dickheads who think Team-killing is all right: FAIL!!!

1: The War of The Worlds!



When will it end? Shortly after G4 talked to Metacritic founder Marc Doyle about LittleBigPlanet's low user score, the wrath of Sony fanboys was unleashed upon Gears of War 2's user score as a revenge hit. It now appears that the 360 fanboys just wouldn't stand for that, even though they seem to have started this in the first place, and have retaliated by butchering Resistance 2.

The QOTPA really don't understand the point of all of this. These fanboys misusing Metacritic, however, don't seem to understand that while Metacritic offers them the ability to voice their opinions, the reality is that the user reviews don't really matter.

This mad and rather sad console war that is being fought by the fans only divides gamers more and more and will eventually leads to the industry itself. Get it sorted you punks!

2: Weathering the storm…with Rock!



When it hits stores next weekend, the fourth installment of the wildly popular Guitar Hero video game could become a test of the game industry's ability to weather the broader economic storm. Activision Blizzard Inc.'s Guitar Hero World Tour is one of the company's most important games of the year. At $189.99, it will also be one of the most expensive games the Santa Monica publisher has ever released.

"In this economy, people will be a little more frugal," said Ricardo Torres, editor of Gamespot, a website that reviews games. "This fall, it's all about value."

For Activision, hitting the right notes with consumers with World Tour is crucial. The Guitar Hero franchise is "one of the three biggest profit generators" for the company this year, Activision Chief Executive Robert Kotick said. The company currently leads the music simulation category, but MTV is catching up fast, said Michael Pachter, an analyst with Wedbush Morgan Securities.

3: The Truth? You can't handle the Truth…or it's title screen!



There are many writers on the humble interweb who are of the firm opinion that the Wii incarnation of Resident Evil 4 was the best version of the multi-platform title. That's why the QOTPA were understandably disappointed when it was outed that Resident Evil 5 would not be coming to Nintendo's console -- though according the game's producer, Masachika Kawata, a Wii port of RE5 was never a remote possibility. Due to the game's graphical improvements over the previous instalment, "the title screen of this couldn't have been done on PS2 or Wii," Kawata explained in a recent GameTrailers interview. Nintendo fanboys (ie: Kenny) shouldn't be too disheartened by this somewhat brash claim -- in a later, seperate interview with GameTrailers, Juntake Uchi, yet another producer for the title, said that Capcom would love to continue the Resident Evil franchise on the Wii, though such a reunion is "a couple of years down the road."

4: It's not gonna be as good as Lethal Weapon



UK, October 24, 2008 - With The Sims and Mass Effect already in the works, everyones favourite Evil Overlords Electronic Arts is fastracking a third videogame for the big screen in the shape of Army of Two. According to Variety, Scott Stuber will produce, while Bourne Ultimatum co-writer Scott Z Burns is currently working on the script, which will revolve around a pair of military contractors becoming caught up in a vast global conspiracy.

"Because people experience the game in pairs, playing two guys who go against the world, Scott and I agreed this format presented an opportunity to make a great buddy film," Burns said. "The ambiguity of these private military corporations lends weight to an intelligent thriller with relevance to what's going on in the world right now. You have contractors with their own agendas, and two guys whose friendship supersedes all the politics. He continued, "I told EA right off the bat I wasn't a gamer, and that appealed to them because they didn't want to simply replicate the game." Hancock helmer Peter Berg is in talks to direct, with Universal Pictures overseeing the project and production set to start in 2009.

AUCHINAWA! It's not too freaking far!!!

Ahem – excuse me. Auchinawa, Glasgow's one and only Anime-fest is just round the corner and of course everyone's favourite Glaswegian Gaming mentalists will be there. This week see's us adding the finishing touches to our Auchi intro video including some bizarre and sometimes downright offensive costumes (as pictured above). But fear not kiddies, for we've also had time to bring you yet another issue of gaming awesomeness. This week see's Kenny and Sean grabbing Star Wars: The Force Unleashed by its sweaty nutsack and wrenching it off, and Sean being far kinder to Resident Evil 2. So, ladies and gents, read on, as we present THE QUEENS OF THE PWN AGE: ISSUE 46!!!

In 2008, a crack games reviewing unit was sent to prison by a court of good taste for a crime they didn't commit. These men & women promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Glasgow underground. Today, still wanted by the government, the games media and their mums, they survive as gamers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, if you simply cannot fathom which weapon is best for each Robot Master or whether or not Gears of War 2 will be worth your money (short answer, probably not) and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The Queens of The Pwn Age.














And now for everyones amusement, Sean presents the second of our hints and tips videos, this week on high speed anti-grav racer Wipeout HD.





This weeks corner goes to a gaming icon who we're sure everyone is familiar with. Please step forward Dan Hibiki



But who is Dan and why should he earn our ire? Well, shortly after the release of Street Fighter II, rival video game company SNK finished development on, and subsequently released, their own fighting game, Art of Fighting. The principal character of this series, Ryo Sakazaki, bore a resemblance in appearance and name to Ryu, as well as other aesthetic similarities to Ken, wearing an orange gi (Karate/Judo garb) and sporting blonde hair.

In retaliation, one of Capcom's artists drew an artwork of Sagat holding a defeated opponent by the head during the release of Street Fighter II: Champion Edition. The defeated opponent wore an attire similar Ryo's: an orange karate gi with a torn black shirt underneath and sandals; but had long dark hair tied to a ponytail. This character design would become the basis of Dan, who was introduced as a secret character in Street Fighter Alpha.

And Dan is just crap. Terrible character in all the games he appears in, and terrible fighter to boot. However the appearance that earned our hatred this week is his Chibi self in Super Puzzle Fighter II Turbo, and his seemingly endless stream of crapness. A counter attack consisting of only reds? And attempting to make your opponents cry just like you did when your Daddy died? Eegad, you nonce! Dan, for being an utter tosser in whatever game you appear in, we slap upon thee a mighty facepalm of FAIL!



you knwo what you just can't beat? video game cosplay!! It's not enough for some people jus tto be geeks and love video game characters, some people need to transform into super geek by attempting to BE video game characters. AND WE SALUTE THEM!! The Tokyo game show 2008 was an obvious drawing point for this special breed of people, and the citizens of Tokyo, always up for a bit of dress up, didn't dissapoint! here's some of my favs:



Ken and Chun li get ready for battle. What's incredible is that there are no half measures here. That's not a wig, he dyed his hair. Sure it will make him a pariah in Tokyo where EVERYONE dyes their hair ginger (for some reason), but he did it anyway. Now THAT is dedication.



Rikku strikes exactly the right pose of mildly annoying. I often regret that Scotland is far to cold for such costumes to be plausible!



Ok, that IS a wig, but this guys costume is incredible. He has the chaps and everything. Although he does need to work on his "I'm Dante, a smooth wanker" face.



This girl makes it clear just how effiminate vincent is, and also destroys my theory that you could never get your heair to look like his.



Mirror's edge isn't even out yet, and already people love it enough to cosplay it!



Probably one of the best costumes there, Aigis, the attention to detail is freaking UNREAL!

So to all you cosplayers out there KEEP IT UP! who knows, maybe one day I'll make a costume of my own.
for now however, i'm off to buy an adult sized Wolverine costume and hang around street corners in Glasgow.

1: Anyone curious about Left 4 Dead's brand of co-op Zombie evasion and survivalism will be able to dip their toe into the water next month when Valve releases a demo for both Xbox 360 and PC, they confirmed in an interview. The demo will be a short excerpt from the No Mercy section of the game (set in a hospital) and will feature full co-op for up to four players. The game itself is set for release on 360 and PC on November 17th 2008.



2: EA's Dead Space is due for release this week, and PS3 owners have something to be extra happy about. According to TalkPlaystation.com, there will be exclusive content for the PS3 port of the game. TalkPlaystation.com writes: "You'll be getting an Obsidian Rig which will be available from the Playstation store once you log in the game. The main character will get a suit that has Playstation 3 themed colours (Black, red, blue and a little bit of yellow), increased toughness and more inventory slots. PS3 owners can get this item for free from October 24 till November 7. After that you will have to pay. How much is not yet known. Best get in there quick we say!



3: Sony and Microsoft are poised to do battle in virtual worlds again this coming quarter. The console giants have both announced Second Life-style virtual environments at the Tokyo Game Show this week. Both games show striking similarities to Linden Lab's creation Players are represented by avatars which live a virtual life - engaging in relationships, going about day-to-day business. These can be personalised to look as similar (or different) to how the user looks in real life. Sony's "Home" virtual world for the Playstation 3 will be released on November 19th, after its delay twice already. It will go up against Microsoft's Xbox 360 "New Xbox Experience".



4: Nintendo expects hardcore gamers to carry the flag for the DSi when the updated handheld first releases. "Right out of the gate [the DSi audience] is probably the hardcore gamers," a Nintendo of America spokesperson told MTV Multiplayer. "They're usually the early adopters that want to get the latest version of something, and they'll be the ones that put it through its paces the hardest and give us all kind of feedback and tell us what they like and don't like."The expanded audience will likely pick up the DSi a little later down the line, the Nintendo rep added. The DSi will launch in Japan this November and in the UK in spring 2009.



5: Ahead of its release at the end of the month, Fallout 3's PC system requirements have been released have been officially released by Bethesda... and surprisingly, they're not that scary. Surprisingly, if you're running on a battered old Pentium 4 you'll still be able to get the post-apocalyptic RPG running, but Bethesda would match rather you use a Core 2 Duo and shed-loads of RAM, obviously. Basically if you can run The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, you'll probably be able to run this. That game's out on PC, Xbox 360 and PS3 on October 31. Here are the PC specs:

Recommended System Requirements:

Intel Core 2 Duo processor
2 GB System RAM
Direct X 9.0c compliant video card with 512MB RAM (NVIDIA 8800 series, ATI 3800 series)
Supported Video Card Chipsets

NVIDIA GeForce 200 series
NVIDIA Geforce 9800 series
NVIDIA Geforce 9600 series
NVIDIA Geforce 8800 series
NVIDIA Geforce 8600 series
NVIDIA Geforce 8500 series
NVIDIA Geforce 8400 series
NVIDIA Geforce 7900 series
NVIDIA Geforce 7800 series
NVIDIA Geforce 7600 series
NVIDIA Geforce 7300 series
NVIDIA GeForce 6800 series
ATI HD 4800 series
ATI HD 4600 series
ATI HD 3800 series
ATI HD 3600 series
ATI HD 3400 series
ATI HD 2900 series
ATI HD 2600 series
ATI HD 2400 series
ATI X1900 series
ATI X1800 series
ATI X1600 series
ATI X1300 series
ATI X850 series

He left us... HE LEFT US!!!



Yeah, I left you, but don't worry, I've not been out getting eaten by T-Rexs at inappropriate moments. So stop whining like Lex and get your Muldoon face on. You got it?...ok.. let's try some stuff.
Say "Shooooooot haaaaaaaaaaaa"... good
Now try "Clever girl."
Perfect.

Curtains, my faithful companion and the ONLY person who can kick me in the crotch and get away with it (besides Sean of course, seeing as he is bigger and stronger than me... and I suppose by extension the majority of planet earth could as well, but let's not over complicate here..) has given birth to three tiny little crotch kickers of her own. Winchester the hard dark outsider, abandoned right after birth for a whole five minutes Winchester feels he has earned the right to whine his little face off at all times night and day. Puddle, who introduced herself to the world by mooning it and only survived the ass kicking that the world would have given her in return because Andi was there to rescue him, Pilfer... who after birth stole my wallet. Who would have thought!? and Tectonic, the puppy with the earthquake on his back

But now the crisis is over, the puppies are born, and the Queens of the Pwn Age are complete once more!

Mega tanks to Sean who did a worryingly good job without me. Christ I hope he hasn't figured out how little work I do around here :P

NOW, WITH OUT FURTHER ADO, LETS GET TO WHAT YOU REALLY CAME FOR! THE BEST GAMING NEWS, VIEWS AND REVIEWS THE WEB HAS TO OFFER!

-Kenny (now a dog grand dad)



KENNY



Abandonned on the street when he was only a year old Kenny learned how to talk by playing a Nintendo entertainment system powered by the friction of two tramps fighting. It was also at this tender age that he learned that sometimes you could find treasures if you broke into peoples houses with bombs and it was ok to violently attack someone provided they were a bad guy and there was the potential they might spit a rock at you.

SEAN



After working at Black Mesa for a long time, working on his secret project of creating the perfect splice between Scarlett Johanssen and Gillian Anderson, Sean was eventually dismissed for causing a reconance cascade when he accidentally let one of his failed Gillian Anderson clones puke all over the sample that was being used in that particular experiment and then never told anyone. Rather than feeling guilty for almost causing the end of the world Sean became bitter at Black Mesa for firing him and now secretly plots the destruction of all man kind from his lair in the black temple, soon a sea of Johanssen/Anderson clones will come to kill us all.

Wise master: Remember, the way of the ninja. Enter like shadow. Strike like Lightning. Disappear like wind… leave no trace.

Ryu Hayabusa: Yes oh wise master. I shall. Oh, pardon me. Got some Black spider to kill…..

Wise master: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! YOU ENTER LIKE STEAMROLLER! YOU STRIKE LIKE CLUMSY LUMBERJACK! YOU DISAPPEAR LIKE BEAR THROUGH CAMP OF CHILDREN! THESE LIMBS EVERYWHERE…. THEY ARE TRACES!…. Wait.. No.. please don't kill me… ARGHHHHHH

Ryu Hail-a-bus-a, not your typical ninja, and not really what I had expected from a "ninja" game from the get go. Although I'm not usually one to condone the excessive use of stealth in a game (preferring to run right into action preferably with a shotgun) I can't help but feel that a game about a ninja, fighting other ninjas, could have done with a little bit of it. But I've never played a Ninja Gaiden game before, heck I don't even know if it's pronounced GAYden or GUYden, and I suppose the majority of people will be used to this strange lack of ninja-like activity and would even feel rather cheated if old shredder look-a-like-y stopped running at things with his eyes closed swinging his sword and started crawling along tiny ledges using only his fingertips above a swamp. So let's dispense with my belief that Ninja = Ninja Warrior and give old Ninja Gaiden the benefit of the doubt on that one. Good. That leaves me free to bitch about the other problems.



Everyone says this game is hard. In fact there is a damn funny vid that pokes fun at just how hard it is floating in the stream of the internet that if you fish around for you can probably catch in your world wide web. But gameplay wise it's not all that difficult, the difficulty arises from what I would call ridiculously bad planning! The Black Spider ninja clan, mortal enemies of Ryu Hayabusa who are planning on resurrecting the Archfiend (and that's the story taken care of.. Or at least the bits that make sense) , are apparently all both absolutely hopeless and also terrified of solitude.. Probably because when they are alone they have time to think about how bloody hopeless they are and they commit honourable suicide. They move around in massive packs meaning that if you find your self confronted with one ninja you can be pretty sure there are about three hundred more standing behind him. I'm really not with the whole idea of making the enemies in a game easy to dispatch, and then counteracting the easy by making sure there are a fuck load of them. It just turns every battle into a button mash bonanza, where you smash attack buttons, more or less at random, in the hope that by the time your weapon hits that empty space in front of you it will be full of ninja. And to be fair it usually is. To add to that when you are playing as a ninja dressed in dark colours fighting a bunch of ninjas dressed in dark colours it is entirely conceivable that you will completely lose track of just exactly which darkly clad ninja it is that you are meant to be in control of, making the whole thing seem like nothing more than what the kids call a big bloody cluster fuck. Wave after wave of similar looking rivals coming at you over and over again also leaves Ninja Gaiden II with a bit of heavenly sword syndrome. Sure it is fun cutting the crap out of a room of guys the first time, but after the twentieth it all gets a bit repetitive especially when you can more or less assume that Ryu is probably so used to this that he's thinking about whether to have jam or marmalade on his toast at breakfast.



More of what makes this game "hard" comes from a genuinely quite shocking change between boss fights and regular fights. There you are one second tapping to buttons at random and watching combos rattle meaninglessly in front of your eyes as more and more identical ninjas drop dead in front of you and then all of a sudden you are in an actual classic video game fight against a boss you need actual honest-to-god tactics and at least a little skill for. The boss fights are really far more my ball park, although many of them do still descend to the level of dashing in and combo-ing till your controller snaps in half, but at least you have to pick the right moment, however the difference in game play from give-the-control-to-a-baby -and-let-it-put-it-in-it's-mouth -and-those-ninjas-are-history to oh-please-god -help-me-I-am -getting-spanked-by-a big-mutant-dude-with-a -ridiculous -backstory makes the bosses seem a lot harder in immediate comparison to the far easier slew of ninjas you killed to get to it.

I almost don't want to go into this… because it feels like telling guru larry he might stand to lose a few pounds, telling Sony their console is expensive, telling Microsoft that Xboxes could only be more prone to stop working if they were running vista or telling Nintendo that everyone thinks they are only for kids. It feels like saying something that everyone already knows. But I have to say it anyway, because it's a review… and if there is one thing that needs serious reviewing it is this: The camera = teh suck. I'm using word and it tried very hard to correct my spelling from "teh" to "the" but it's important that we all understand….

The camera is not "the suck"… that's just poor grammar.
It's "teh suck", which is a level of terrible just slightly worse than tear your own eyes out bad. Ryu Hayabusa can run on walls! Provided he can find them and the camera isn't too busy having a look at the scenery. He can dodge projectiles! But not when the camera would rather check the bottom of his feet for dog poo. He also has the rather more mundane power of running around corners which the camera also has a bit of trouble with. As soon as Ryu is out of sight (which by the way HE REALLY SHOULDN'T BE AT ALL!!!) the camera forgets what it was meant to be doing and sets about having a staring match with a near by wall whilst you get bitch slapped by a group of ninjas you can't even see. But to be honest the full title of any Ninja Gaiden game (as far as I have heard) might as well be "Ninja Gaiden: camera tourettes" so I don't see any reason to dwell on this.

Besides the bizarre physics defying bounciness of Sonia's boobs (Sonia being a CIA agent squeezed into the plot seemingly for the pure reason that the game needed some physics defying boobs) the thing that seems to be giving everyone a boner is the gore factor. Trouble is this didn't really do it for me either. The game seems to suffer from something a lot of action games are guilty of, which is making something that looks really really gorgeous, then painting it all black (to make it look more adult). Then sticking in some guys dressed in black (cause bad guys wear black and cool good guys also wear black). Then making the blood so very very dark red that it is almost black (because real blood isn't bright red, and we are going for realism here). Then laving a bunch of body parts lying about which are also all covered in black gloves/cowls/trousers (because that's what the guys were wearing and clothes don't change colour when you take them off… otherwise clothes shopping would be even more of a nightmare than it currently is). What I am subtly trying to say is there might well be gore but most of the time it blends in so well with the background it hardly even matters. It certainly lacks any sort of impact and really seems to be there just so as kids have to play the game in secret cause they know their parents would FREAK if they saw it.



There are other weapons you can pick up as the game goes on, but seeing as they only really change the animation that your little ninja, invisible amongst a cluster fuck of other little ninjas, is going to use when cutting off body parts it really doesn't seem to matter. The individual benefit of most of the weapons is often hard to gauge and there really are way to many of them, plus everyone just uses the claws cause they want to be Wolverine, so it seems to be just down to what you think looks cool. I suppose I can get behind that idea though, looking cool is what being a ninja is really all about.

This review might seem a tiny… teensy little bit negative. But I'm actually not sitting here hating Ninja Gaiden II. I'm more sitting here totally bemused. I've heard so many people saying things like "this game is one of a kind" and I wonder how different it can really be from Ninja Gaiden 1. I've heard so many people say "this is the best action game of the Xbox" and I find myself picking up my copy of Devil May Cry 4 and whispering to it "you are way better baby". I've heard xbox fan boys talking about how the PS3 "has nothing like it" and I'm forced to ponder just what the hell Ninja Gaiden Sigma IS like. I've actually been putting off this review for the best part of four months because I didn't feel like I had given Ninja Gaiden II a fair enough chance, constantly leaving it to play and review something else. Ninja Gaiden II just doesn't offer anything that I would come back for that I can't find far better in some other game. I thought for a while that maybe I just don't get it.



But then I thought: Hey! I spent money on this game and I hardly play it…. Isn't it my DUTY to prevent people like me from spending money on it as well?

There are good points. The obliteration system is fun, and there is a certain Zen quality to killing a bunch of ninjas… or watching some unnatural boob jiggling. But over all it's not for me. I don't doubt fans of the Ninja Gaiden series will LOVE this. But all of it's supposed upsides feel like downsides to me and the gameplay often feels cheap, annoying, or needlessly complex. I am gonna have to land it with a very disappointing 5/10. Sorry folks, there are better things you could be playing on your Xbox 360's.

I've been holding on to this one for a while.. cause it's gonna be controversial.... See whilst the QOTPA were in Japan something really itched my crack and I feel I don't have any other option than to get it off my chest. Please, don't hate me, I'm just a simple man... with crazy incredibly specific peeves.

See what really annoyed me was: American guys with Japanese girlfriends. Now maybe I am generalising here.. maybe... but these guys are ALL mindnumbingly annoying! (maybe generalising.. not sure... may.... beeeee).



Now don't you get me wrong, don't go running to the papers with claims of some sort of pin point specific racisim problem that you imgaine I have been supressing. I have no trouble with the dudes being American. I have no worries at all with the Chicks being Japanese, and what's more I wish them every success inthe future. What bugs me is that the American guys always seem to a) Not speak any Japanese (how the hell can you have a solid relationship when you don't speak your partners language! sure in almost every curcumstance the girl spoke English, but need I remind you this was in Tokyo. How would you feel if everywhere you went you had to act as a translator between your boyfriend and whoever you were speaking to? I imagine it gets real old real quick) b) be ridiculously loud around their poor mortified girlfriend, and by the way seem to always assume that NO ONE speaks English in the whole country except them and say things you would never EVER say if you thought anyone could understand you. c) Think that because their girlfriend is a japanese girl they, the guys, should behave like sterotypical japanese girls. Every one I happened to encounter on our trip was one of those squealing dancing types usually wearing a bright anime t-shirt who, to be really honest, seemed to have the girl with them more as an accessory than a partner.

Ah, phew, that was festering a while in there! Good to have that out in the open... Heals the soul.
Obviously I AM generalising. I am certain American guys can be decent bed fellows to any nationality they want! It's just like with every country really... some people are ok.

but you always seem to meet the right cunts :P

FAIL!

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME YOU BASTARDS!

Life is a funny thing. One moment you are top of the world, engineer rushing to your hearts content, sending in squads of choppers to bases with no air defense, sending in fleets of ships to bases with no sea defense. You're cloaking your suddden transport, burying your tank busters and poofing your shinobi. The next you're out in the cold.. forced back to the unloving arms of Kane's wrath knowing full well that it will never be good enough for you again.

Yeah, they took the red alert 3 beta away so as to leave ample time for people to work up a desperate frenzy and buy like crazy addicts when they release it, but NOT ample time for people to sweat the addiction out of their system tied to a tree in the middle of the jungle in their underwear. Being fat.

But how can I satisfy my games lust when the game I desire won't return my calls? let's explore some solutions.



find something similar

Can't find Mario?, try out sonic. Can't find doom? Give Wolvenstein a go. can't find spore? Why not play a simple puzzle game, the early stages of warcraft, the sims, command and conquer, civilisation and starcontrol. Everyone says that Red Alert 3 is a lot like starcontrol 2. Trouble is THAT ISN'T OUT YET EITHER! dammit. Plan b



Recreate it in the real world

This is easier with some games than others. A new fifa game been delayed? Maybe you could go play football... yanno.. outside. Can't afford rock band? Get some pots and hit them with a wooden spoon. A frying pan makes a nice guitar. Sing at a hairbrush. Can't find the sims? Go downstairs and tell your family to wash the dishes, if they refuse lock them in a room till they wet themselves.Problem is when I called America and asked them to make war with Russia they were all for it. Then Russia said they wouldn't co-operate... spoil sports. I asked America if they would be game for a fight with Japan and they were like "Sorry, economic crisis to sort out". I told them to capture more ore nodes and they started going on about Iraq or something till I got bored and hung up. Russia were quite game for attacking Japan if they could go through Georgia, but that would have taken ages so I told them to just forget it. And I couldn't get Japan to do anything because when I said "Anata wa attacky Russia and America desu ka?" they pretended they didn't know what I meant. I mean come on.. that is perfect Japanese right?



Play something as much, if not more, fun

So it's come to this. Nothing fills the hole left by RA3.. but what about my other holes, what's gonna fill them. Oh get your mind outta the gutter that's not what I mean! You never been hungry for Pizza then discovered chinese food does the trick? You never been dying for a game of Street fighter IV and then remembered that smash bros melee is a slice of fried gold. RA3 is awesome....

but so is Mega Man 9.

Conundrum solved!

but if you take Mega Man away from me I WILL bite your nuts off.

Fucking Zico, I hate you and all you stand for!!!

Sorry folks, let me get this article in some kind of context for you all. You see, this week as Kenny is reviewing two stonkingly hard games, we thought doing a second guide video to a really hard game would be a great idea. We wracked our brains and decided to let me do it on the wonderful Wipeout HD. Now I am very, very good at the game (having been a disciple of the series since the PSone) and we thought "no bother, we'll do a trophy guide"



So there's me getting trophy after trophy (including the stonkingly difficult Flatland Flier one) until I hit a wall with the Gold Trophy Beat Zico.

Zico is one of the developers at Studio Liverpool who developed the mighty Wipeout HD who just so happened to be one of the best players of the game at the studio itself. The bastard is so good that he can do the whole of Anulpha Pass. In 30 seconds. At the lowest speed setting. And the chaps at Studio Liverpool thought, well we'll make that a trophy, literally Beat Zico.



I have lost SO much sleep over this trophy. Honestly, I think I have attempted it at least 200 times, and I am now just under a second too slow. I know all the correct places to boost, barrel roll and air brake but it's just so freaking difficult. And in all honesty, I love it. It's been a while since a game has been so frustratingly brilliant. I will beat it this week, and when I do it will feel fantastic!

As such, I felt that I couldn't put up a video without getting this trophy then sharing it's secrets with you sexy folk. So expect a video next week, or for my PS3 to be hurled violently out a window. Either way there'll be a video.



Oh and Happy Birthday to our fellow QOTPA tyke Darren. Let's all have a freaking party and play some Unreal!!! Adios Folks!

- Sean 0)))

Valhalla knights, are they knights?.. are they Vikings? Do knights believe in Valhalla? I thought they were into holy crusades and the likes and had more of a boner for heaven and life eternal than the ultimate booze/sex up in the after life. All this put aside it seems like Valhalla Knights, a series started on the psp, will be moving upping the game a little and appearing on the wii for the next instalment: Eldar Saga. Carried over by valkeries singing hallelujah no doubt.



Nintendo DS.. it's small, compact and fun. What's more with a great deal of the fan base being Japanese players of the DS can probably, on average, be said to be small and compact as well.
But how many do you think you could squeeze into one room.
London will answer this question as it attempts to break the Guinness world record for the number of people playing Nintendo DS in one room at one time. They hope to beat the current record of 381 faithful DSers by getting at least 500 of the tiny stylus-equipped console to play away for at least five minutes. The event will be on the 26th of October at Rocket centre on Holloway road. So if you want to be a part of gaming history get down there on the day!



SO! Did you get your mirrors edge demo? Sorry. Sorry. I shouldn't kid. Yes… I know. I'm sorry. Yes, I will go fuck myself. Really sorry….. no I didn't laugh. No I have a cold. So did you get it?
Incredible what internet speculation can do to people, one second someone suggests that maybe Mirrors edge the demo will be coming out at the start of October. Next you have a bunch of upset gamers raging that Mirrors edge wasn't released on the 1st of October AS PROMISED. Calm down though, if you are one of the people still crying their little eyes out because you still aren't playing what admittedly looks like a DAMN sexy game then there is a light at the end of this tunnel. The official demo release date has been confirmed for the 6th of November. Rejoice!



Brett Ratner! He made Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. And what do those movies make you think of? God of War? They were quite like God of War right? Well good news everyone because Brett Ratner has confirmed on film that he will be directing a God of War movie!
Sigh
So long as it still has boobs in it.

JESUS CHRIST! WHERE'S KENNY?



Indeed folks, this might be the first thing when you load up our page this week (well that and 'what the fuck am I doing here?'). Fear not however, for Kenny has not been abducted by his evil doppelganger (unlike some people). No, there is an even simpler and much nicer reason for Kenny's absence; his dog is having puppies.

So Kenny was called out early Saturday morning to tend to his beloved pooch, and has left this weeks issue in the hands of everyone's favourite hairy sociopath Sean. Of course this new found power has driven Sean quite mad (c'mon you tried going mad without power, people just point and laugh at you), but he has endeavoured to bring you the best issue his littler beardy brain can concoct. So this week he takes a look not only at the new Warhammer Online but he also gives PSN's new release Wipeout HD a sound thrashing. Read on and enjoy.

Now before I begin this review, I'm going to point out that I'm totally biased and possibly not the best person to review the new Wipeout HD. Why you may ask, well the answer is simple; I freaking love the Wipeout games. Ever since I first slid in that sexy free black demo disc featuring the first in the series into my humble wee PSone back in 1995 (wow, I feel old) I've been hooked to it's neon, high speed glories. Then the wonderful Wipeout 2097 came out a year later and cemented itself as one of my favourite games of all time (and still is). So I've made my way since then with a deep warm love for the WO games (I even got Wipeout 64, which we're all agreed was the runt of the litter, yes?). So it is with great joy that I purchased Wipeout HD for the PSN store this week and I can quite safely say Holy Shit This Game Is Awesome!!! Ahem, but lets not get ahead of ourselves here, let's take a deeper look.

So first off, what makes the Wipeout series (and by extension Wipeout HD) so good? Well there are multiple reasons, and each stands testament to how good the series is. There has not been a single poor Wipeout game and Wipeout HD continues this excellent trend.



Wipeout HD is a remake of the last two Wipeout titles that appeared on the PSP: Wipeout Pure and Wipeout Pulse. Now while there are folks who will moan that this is simply remade games, let's not forget that almost every racing game out there is simply a remake of a racing game that has come before it. Sure it's all the same tracks from the two previous games, but My God, what remakes they are. Wipeout HD is a beautiful game. The Wipeout Franchise has always prided itself on its presentation, and this game slays graphically. Insane futuristic tracks bleed out into infinity, covered in lights and neo-Japanese signs. In the background space craft and heavy vehicles can be seen coasting epic sunsets, and the cities you race through feel so unbelievably alive. Indeed, the first few times you play, you'll crash repeatedly as each new epic sight or vista sprawls before you, totally taking your breath away. Played through an HDMi cable the game is doubly gorgeous.

And it's not just the tracks that are sexy looking; the actual craft themselves are brilliant. The Wipeout games have always had a strong sense of image when it came to their craft; AG systems and their workmanlike yellow and blue, FEISAR's smoothness and high speed reds and my personal fave through all the games Qirex, with their dual-pronged purple behemoths. With these golden oldies come several new teams and ships from both the PSP versions and some brand new teams exclusive to the PS3. Team Liverpool (who were formerly Psygnosis, keep up) have also promised more teams and tracks in the future, with possible remakes of the rock hard but super memorable tracks from 2097 (oh I can but dream).



But the graphics would be nothing without good gameplay, and Wipeout HD eats and breaths excellent gameplay. Gameplay is largely similar to that of previous Wipeout entries. The player pilots an anti-gravity craft (also known as a Skiff to 1337 old school players), selected from one of the several teams mentioned above and, depending on the game mode, competes using speed and weaponry in an attempt to beat the competition. So far so good. The gameplay has been tweaked from all the previous entries in the series to deliver the ultimate futuristic racing experience. I mentioned a few weeks back in my review of Fatal Inertia Ex that it might feel stale and uninspired if Wipeout HD was anywhere near as good as everyone hoped. Well, it is and games like FIEx really lose out. Wipeout HD's is sharp, challenging and ultra responsive. It's also the first game I've seen on the PS3 that actually uses the SIXAXIS well. It can be used a s a steering wheel, with the shoulder buttons acting as triggers. The coupling of the SIXAXIS with the game is fantastic and feels utterly right, which is a first for the system.



One area that will niggle at people is the classic Wipeout learning curve, or to be more precise the lack of one. The games first two campaigns are good and challenging and try to prepare the player as much as possible. But then you hit the first update to speed and most people will be left reeling. The second speed class known as Flash is ludicrously fast, and many people with have trouble dealing with the sudden addition of a couple of hundred km per minute added to their speedometers. Even I was left scratching my head, and I have played all the games in the series when I first tried an update to the speed. I entirely take back the statement that modern games just aren't fast enough, Wipeout HD is fast and then some.

However, the campaign isn't just about racing. There are several competitions throughout that allow players to get to know the speeds, teams and tracks without the indignation of having a missile up the arse. Time Trial and Tournament return from the PS2 version, and Speed Trial from the PSP also raises its neon-covered head, but the best mode is undoubtedly Zones mode. First introduced in Wipeout Fusion, it returns in Wipeout HD, and sees the player's initially slow craft becomes progressively faster throughout the race, passing through different numbered zones, or categories of speed; the player must continue to navigate the course until their energy runs out and the ship explodes. The Visuals also differ greatly in this mode, with environments stripped of texture, replaced with a single colour that changes continuously in waves, whilst graphic equalizers on the track and scenery display the waveform for the currently playing audio track. Essentially, you fly through every speed class in one race, and it is utterly insane. It's good for an introduction to just how fast this game can get (with the highest speed class Phantom being particularly terrifying).



The soundtrack too continues Wipeout's trend of being utterly brilliant with a smattering of electro and techno gems. Now I'm no huge fan of electronic music (with Atari Teenage Riot being about as electronic as I get) but by god the soundtrack is simply perfect. Subtle beats and digital keyboard lines lilt around you as you pelt down the track at 500 kph, and it feels so right!. And if your not into the music, well that's fine, Wipeout HD follows in Super Stardust HD's vapour trail with the ability to put your own music in-game. Fancy pelting around Moa Therma whilst "Relentless" by Strapping Young Lad destroys your speakers, well knock yourself out.

So Wipeout HD: it's freaking awesome! Honestly, this game easily challenges Motorstorm to it's title as the PS3's No. One racer. Whether it's better than everyone' s favourite 'splode-a-thon isn't clear as I love them both. However, Wipeout HD is as close as the Wipeout team has come to a perfect version of their vision. And all at the wonderfully low price too. Wipeout HD will be a game that I play for a long, long time. 10/10, utterly stunning!



TRAILER

Continuing the Warhammer theme this week, here's a couple of lovley gameplay trailers for Relics forthcoming Dawn of War II, due out March 2009. C'mon ya gitz!!!











This weeks corner is brought with a profound sense of loss rather than uncontrolled anger (y'know like most weeks corners). This week see's the withdrawal of the raher wonderful Red Alert 3 beta, and both Kenny and Sean are feeling the withdrawal already. EA have of course stated that they have withdrawn it because the actual game is out in a months time. However, a lot of other developers are able to keep Beta's going till the very day of release. This is all a highly lucrative marketing measure by EA, and what's worse is that it will probably work. However, damn them, damn them for talking away our Beta.

EA, as ever = FAIL!

Well you've just purchased Wipeout HD and you love it (go on, say it, I know you do). But the electro soundtrack is niggling at you, and your wondering what could I be listening to instead of this electronic rubbish?. Well have no fear my dear, for the Seanster is now presenting to you some musical tracks of wonderment that will see you wiping out with the best of them.

First up, a track for those who want to go incredibly fast but also strain their neck through wind milling: 'Relentless' by Strapping Young Lad



For those more inclined toward being mental and Mad Japanese Blokes, Wipeout becomes a mad techno-punkathon when you add "All The Time On Sunny Beach" by The Mad Capsule Markets



Wipeout just not mathematically pure enough for you? Add a bit of "Bleed" by Meshuggah for some disorientating speed!



Fancy getting all quasi-mystical and trippy to go with those neon visuals? Bang on a bit of "Lateralus" by Tool to attain inner racing Zen! Oh and watch out for the Fibonacci timing, k?



Fancy moving with no speed at all? Well light up a goat and get heavy with "It took The Night To Believe" by my personal favourite dronesters Sunn 0)))



And finally, a song that you could have if your very mentally disturbed…



Thankee kindly for viewing, now bog off!

Sean 0)))

1: Wario fans should prepare for some classic Wario platform action as he hits Wii in his first dedicated title on the console, Wario Land: The Shake Dimension. Reeking havoc as he goes, experience an epic and lush 2D adventure as you seek out treasure the Wario way!



2: The Xbox 360 managed to snub the PS3 for the second week in a row in Japan. The Xbox 360's barely had a pulse in the Land of the Rising Sun, so two weeks ahead of the PS3 in its home country is always surprising. However The Nintendo Wii beat both the 360 and PS3 combined, which has been the general state of affairs since Nintendo's little white box of joy was originally released.



3: According to Alex St. John, CEO & Founder of WildTangent, a PC game network, consoles have no future. He said recently on the subject of both Sony and Microsoft's console future:

Sony is not the company they use to be and the Playstation 3 is a market failure. Sony will never recover the billions they lost on the current generation of consoles. Sony says we're not making another for ten years, which is code for we can never make back the billions we lost on PS3, let alone convince our executives to make one again.

Microsoft has a hole mile deep dug in the middle of Microsoft's Campus to bury the billion dollars of broken Xbox 360's they've got. The Xbox business is not a profitable business for them. It's only become incrementally profitable for them after many years, and billions invested. To give you some perspective the Xbox 360, which is the second most popular console in the U.S; All Xbox revenues combined; create less revenue than World of Warcraft subscriptions. The entire 360 software business is minuscule compared to one PC game.

So the interesting observation, is that both Microsoft and Sony are in a position where they're unlikely to ever have the motive to invest the billions into making another generation of consoles.

It's easy to dismiss St. John's comments either as the ramblings of a madman, or of a man whose business is solely reliant on PC gaming, of which the latter is ultimately correct. Personally we here at QOTPA think the man is a raging cock and should probably be locked away for his own safety and the safety of others.



4: Advanced sales for Sony's LittleBigPlanet for the Playstation 3 increased this week at Amazon.com amid a new pre-order promotion for the title. Sales for LittleBigPlanet increased 128 percent to rank as the No. 14 title at Amazon's Video Games division. In a new promotion, the retailer is offering a $10 gift card with the pre-order purchase of the title. It previously offered a LittleBigPlanet Creator MiniGuide to pre-order customers. LBG will allow players to custom-create characters, build levels, and share levels with others online. The title will also include both offline and online multiplayer modes for up to four. LittleBigPlanet is scheduled to be released on Oct. 21.



5: And finally, congrats are due to Kenny, Andi and their dog Curtains who gave birth to a litter of healthy happy puppies this weekend (the dog did, not Kenny and Andi). Hopefully it'll never happen again though, as Sean is bloody knackered by doing a whole issue solo. The rest of the QOTPA wish the happy wee family all the best.

IT'S ALL OVER!

Everything this week done by Sean, so that explains thhe general shoddiness of this issue. Also he foolishly deleted last week's issue cause he's a noob, so sorry folks! Usual service will resume next week, he hopes!!!

C'ya next Monday!!!