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Last Updated: 11/17/2009

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Status: Swinger
City: Miami/New York/Los Angeles
State: FLORIDA
Country: US
Signup Date: 9/7/2005

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Saturday, March 08, 2008 

Current mood:  high
Hello Potheads and 'others', well the Christians are at it again. Richard Roberts, president of Oral Roberts University and son of Oral Roberts, was accused a few months back of stealing money from Oral Roberts University, charging massive expenses to the University (flying his daughter and her friends to the Bahamas on private jet, horse stable, new car, shopping sprees...etc.) and getting kick backs from Alumni...but, when asked why? His rely was...you guessed it...GOD TOLD ME TO! Well it seems like Gods talking to him again, bellow is an article that was on Yahoo, please read and enjoy...


TULSA, Okla. - Richard Roberts told students at Oral Roberts University Wednesday that he did not want to resign as president of the scandal-plagued evangelical school, but he did so because God insisted.

God told him on Thanksgiving that he should resign the next day, Roberts told students in the university's chapel.

"Every ounce of my flesh said 'no'" to the idea, Roberts, said, but he prayed over the decision with his wife and his father, Oral Roberts, and decided to step down.

Roberts said he wanted to "strike out" against the people who were persecuting him, and considered countersuing, but "the Lord said, 'don't do that,'" he said.

After submitting his resignation, he said, for "first time in 60 days peace came into my heart."

Roberts spoke only for a few minutes and was applauded and cheered by students. He wiped away tears with a white handkerchief and his hands.

"This has nearly destroyed my family, and it's nearly destroyed ORU," Roberts said.

A lawsuit accuses Roberts of lavish spending at a time when the university faced more than $50 million in debt, including taking shopping sprees, buying a stable of horses and paying for a daughter to travel to the Bahamas aboard the university jet.

Roberts has previously said that God told him to deny the allegations. The week the lawsuit was filed, Richard Roberts said that God told him: "We live in a litigious society. Anyone can get mad and file a lawsuit against another person whether they have a legitimate case or not. This lawsuit ... is about intimidation, blackmail and extortion."

On Wednesday, Roberts said God told him he would "do something supernatural for the university," if he stepped down from the job he held at the 5,700-student school since 1993.

On Tuesday, the founder of a Christian office and education supply store chain pledged $70 million to help the university, provided it passed a 90-day review of the school's finances. Oklahoma City businessman Mart Green, founder of the Mardel chain, offered to donate $8 million immediately.

Roberts said he would return to the full-time evangelistic healing ministry, "which is where my heart has always been," and told students and faculty that he will be praying for them every day of his life.

"I believe with all my heart the best is yet to come for ORU," he said.

Roberts walked out of the chapel through a side door to more cheers. Regents Chairman George Pearsons followed, telling students the ORU administration is "endeavoring to do the right thing" during a very difficult time.

"This is a good university," Pearsons said. "ORU is a place where love is king."

Roberts remains the CEO of the Oral Roberts Evangelistic Association and remains a "spiritual regent" who cannot vote on university matters.

On Tuesday, Pearsons announced a plan to separate the finances and leadership of the university from the Oral Roberts Evangelistic Association, a move welcomed by many students and faculty members.

The university has been under the ministry since its inception in 1963, an arrangement that critics say led to co-mingling of funds and a blurring of leadership roles


Hello again potheads and 'others'...wasn't that a fun read. To think that God has taken special interest in this issue is great to see. Gods priorities are on target...starvation, genocide, cancer, AIDS, war, famine, floods, wild fires and the occasional tidal wave and what has God put his focus on? A lawsuit. LOL. Look I know that sounds ridiculous and YES I was being sarcastic but people really believe that that man speaks to God...people believe that the Pope speaks to God...people do believe that God appointed George Bush as president. What else will people believe? Any fuckin thing...as long as the person telling them that God spoke to them is, in their eyes, a credible person. I guess my question then is; WHO THE FUCK MAKES THESE PEOPLE CREDIBLE? Look I know this Roberts guy is an idiot who's trying to get out of the lawsuit buy saying God talked to him but, people follow these fucks...people follow Popes, Imams, Rabbis, all of which claim some sort of verbal interaction with their respective Gods. WHY ARE PEOPLE LISTENING? Can't they fuckin see threw the BULLSHIT.

I'm once again asked..."Oni what bad can that do, let people believe what they want?"

Sometimes however, we gotta call these people out on their BULLSHIT.

Right now in Sub-Saharan Africa Catholics, guided by the watchful eye of the Pope, who also has a direct line to God, are spreading the word of God. They bring with them all the teachings of Catholicism and are telling the Africans that if they use condoms God will send them to hell. Did you get that? Condoms are a SIN to Africans too. Well, can any one guess what continent hold the record for the most people infected with AIDS/HIV? What continent has the highest mortality rate do to AIDS/HIV? You guessed it, AFRICA, specifically though, Sub-Saharan Africa. Sub-Saharan Africa remains by far the worst affected region in the WORLD, with an estimated 21.6 to 27.4 million people currently living with HIV. Two million (1.5–3.0 million) of them are children younger than 15 years of age. More than 64% of all people living with HIV are in sub-Saharan Africa. DO YOU THINK THIS IS THE PLACE TO PREACH THAT CONDOMS ARE A SIN?

THIS IS RELIGIOUS GENOCIDE!!!!!

This isn't something im making up, I wish it was, no, this is currently happening as im writing this. People are dying while these selfish, egocentric Catholic douche bags continue to spread their fucking lies about sins and punishments all the while claiming to have a personal conversation with God, in other words God is giving them the thumbs up to continue. Some of you may think the Pope isn't aware of this, well, he is aware. Trust me, he's been made aware of the repercussions of what he's teaching by groups like 'Doctors without Borders'. He's been told TIME AND TIME again that what he's teaching is working against EVERYTHING doctors are trying to do to control and reduce the spread of AIDS/HIV in the area but guess what? He doesn't give a SHIT. Why? Cause just like, Richard Roberts, people listen to him, they trust that what he says is true and when he says 'he's spoken directly to God' and God gave his blessing, people believe him. Roberts is lying to people in a small scale, the Pope however, lies in a much bigger scale consequently causing the DEATHS of who knows how many people. Both, I believe, should be tried in a court of law, however, I believe the entire Vatican should be convicted for crimes against humanity but, lucky for them though the legal system does allow you ONE phone call; I wonder who they'll call?

Thanks much for reading,
Peace and Love,
Oni
4:35 PM 
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Saturday, March 08, 2008 
Well here we go, the presidential race is under way and we already have our first foot-in-mouth statement. It came from presidential nominee Joe Biden, senator of Delaware. For those of you unaware of what the senator said here it is and I quote " You got the first mainstream African-American presidential candidate who is articulate and bright and CLEAN and a good looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook man." The comment, and more importantly the CLEAN word, of course sent a small shockwave threw the black community and of course Joe Biden made the necessary calls to Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to clear the air and clear his good name and not be labeled a racists, so far not a big deal. However, I, being a true pothead and observer of things that are bullshit, didn't see the statement as everyone else did and began to explore my little theory of Mr. Barak Obama and what I found truly reveals that statement for what it actually is, a false accusation. What I mean is Mr. Obama is being called an African-American and an African-American he is NOT.

Barak Obama was born to Barak Obama Sr. (Kenya, black) and to Ann Dunham (Kansas, white) in Hawaii. At the age of 2 the couple divorced, Barak Sr. went to Harvard to finish his education and afterwards returned to Africa, where he is a citizen; Ann later remarried and lived in Indonesia till Barak Jr. was 10, at which time Barak Jr. was sent to live with his grandparents in a white middle-class family and was raised by them till he left to college. You see Barak is as much black as he is white and has actually never lived in a predominantly black environment…ever. Also, the NAACP and the US Census both identify African-Americans as descendents of enslaved Africans who where brought to the US from 1565 thru 1807 in what was known as the trans-Atlantic slave trade, so my question is; in what way is Barak Obama an African-American? I mean, you can't just add 1 + 1 here there is an actually definition of the term African-American so that not just anyone can claim the title and just as white Africans are not considered African-Americans neither are anyone from Bahamas, Haiti and Jamaica, you see the color alone doesn't just awarded you the label you have to have earned it. Also, the US Census is being lobbied right now to include a new class, Multiracial which would be the class that Barak would most definitely fall into. But, the media and of course the Democrats, have labeled him African-American, he also is being referred to as possibly the first African-American president but why? Where in his lineage does he descend from slaves? Where is the connection? Or is everyone just to win some votes calling him that? Yea I think that's the true answer. The powers that be have given him that label to win, they don't call him white, which half of him is, for a specific reason…VOTES.

You see once again the powers that run this country figure us, the voters, as idiots and they are right once again. We have all gotten caught up in the hype of a label that we never bothered to see if the label was accurate. This of course proves one thing…Americans love the hype. We buy into all the bullshit they feed us threw the TV and never bother, once again, to find out if its true or not because that would require us to do something that the good ole TV watching American hates to do…READ. To quote the late great comedian Bill Hicks " Go back to sleep America your government is in control", go back to sleep America your government will tell you what's good for you, here watch American Idol or Survivor or any of the other mind numbing crap that they feed you on TV so that you won't be paying attention while they fuck you blind. Watch TV and we'll dress this guy Obama up for you and label him whatever it takes to get our agenda pushed threw and don't worry about him, he's a spineless politician and will stand there and call himself Asian if it would get him the fuckin votes.

America, and by America I'm referring of course to the 12 of you that actually read this, wake the fuck up! Quit being lead by a leash in the direction that the government wants you to go. This fuck head Obama is a LIAR he is not and will never be African-American but of course he has to call himself that cause he is going against a women for the Democratic vote. He will say anything that will get him the vote even if it mean completely ignoring his Anglo back ground and even has the support of the NAACP who has completely ignored his Anglo heritage also just to get the VOTES. Nothing that comes out of these bastards mouth can be believed, question EVERYTHING please! I'm actually going to find out if Hilary is really a women…I'm not putting anything past these fucks.

By: Oni Perez
4:34 PM 
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Saturday, March 08, 2008 

Current mood:  high
Why do Men Cheat? From the Mind of a Pothead

To answer such a conundrum, and yes I used the word conundrum, you have to go back to our primitive times. To a much more simpler and much more basic us than what you see today. Lets go back to a dark cave 200 thousand years ago where you'll find early Homo erectus. A strong muscular human species that stood tall and was not only agile but also had great stamina to chase game for long distances and lots of stamina to fuck a lot…A LOT! In these days that kind of stamina was needed not only to chase food down but also to procreate. But what made Homo erectus like this? Well, in those days we were strictly meat eaters and in any high protein diet and in their case ONLY a high protein diet the levels of testosterones are at their highest because the body is turning the protein into amino acids and high levels of amino acids produce jacked up levels of testosterone and that in turn makes us very aggressive and very horny…I'm liking it already! In those days also the women were programmed to be attracted to those men who could hunt really well and always had food so many women would flock, he kept them all feed and they in turn gave him all the pussy, it was a win win situation everyone fucked everyone and so went the building of our humanity.

Now as time went on, and with no limit on how many times to fuck or women to fuck, humanity started to develop at a rapid pace. By this point all these women had all these kids from a single Homo erectus and now wanted him to share in the responsibilities of raising these children, at least feel a sense of responsibility to have to feed them. Now this was new to Homo erectus, it wasn't in his DNA make-up to have to do this. His ancestors were in trees eating veggies and had low levels of testosterone and kept their groups at a low count. With the development of the Himalayas and the moisture being cut off from Africa what was once a Rainforest became what we know Africa to be today. Hominids were forced off of the trees and into the plains where they stood up erect and started to eat the only thing available, which was meat. But now something was happening though. Homo erectus was being forced into groups or "families" and had to account for the lives of these people. He had to make sure they were feed and had shelter and started to develop a side of himself that he never had; he started to LOVE.

Now it has been stated before by scientist that Homo sapiens should also be called Homo religious because it was during this time that we, as Homo sapiens, developed that love. Of course every action has an opposite reaction and with love came sadness. Sadness when we lost one another. We then started to bury one another a started the early forms of mourning for one another. This in turn developed our need for answers to questions that we couldn't possibly answer…WHY? Why do we die, why are we here and why do I love you? With these questions floating around the answers came in many forms but the one that stuck was God. In it's early stages God had many forms and finally came to be in the form that we see it today. Now, you may be asking yourself "how does this have to do with cheating?" and I'll tell you. This area of our brains that developed all these feelings and questions also brought about a new and very unique feeling that only a hand full of species on earth share…Jealousy. An d it was because of this jealousy that we then started to take on smaller numbers of "wives" and then finally just one as it's common today, unless you're The Bishop Don " Magic" Juan. This is how it's been for some time now. One man one woman, but just as male Homo erectus fought off those forces that drew him into responsibilities for family and children, so do we now as male Homo sapiens fight off the desires to procreate many times with many women. It's in our DNA ladies and it doesn't take a genius to see that we produce millions of sperm to your ONE egg. For God sakes ten minutes after sex we have a hard-on again and can produce another million sperms when we cum, and this can go on all day, or at least till we run out of Viagra or alcohol, which ever comes first. These traits are carried on from Homo erectus and since there's been very little change to our species in the last 100-50 thousand years these traits are still very present and very much in control.

Now by this time most of the ladies are telling me to go fuck myself. They don't give a fuck about some trait left over from our primitive days and could give a shit about a constant inner struggle that men go threw not to cheat but it is what it is ladies. These traits are very present and I welcome any argument against it. However to your advantage, somewhere in the course of Homo erectus to Homo sapiens development you ladies developed a WONDERFUL skill called the Blowjob and I think it was that little skill that actually helped the male Homo sapiens come to terms with having just one woman as his partner. Now throughout the course of the man/woman relationship the woman starts to feel comfortable and stops administering the blowjob and then in turn triggers that repressed gene in a man to cheat. You see ladies it's your fault! You stopped blowing him! Keep on blowing your man and he'll stay as your man for a long while ladies. Of course there's nothing you can do about a younger female coming around and strutting her stuff but then again if you're bringing you're "A" game then it shouldn't be a problem. LOL.

I hope this clears up a lot of things for the ladies who have actually read this and puts an end to the age-old question of "Why do Men Cheat?"


By; Oni Perez
4:29 PM 
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Saturday, March 08, 2008 
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Myspace "haters"

My new passion for this week at least is going onto women's myspace pages, usually black and Latin women, and reading their "about me" section. 8 times out of 10 it is some ridiculous rambling about "hating". Its not directed toward anyone in particular, just a general: "Look bitches, don't hate, congratulate me. Bow down to the queen of this shit, don't get mad 'cuz ur man wants me…" I could go on but why.
My question is who are these haters? Do I have haters? I would love to have haters because having hater's means that someone thinks enough of you to think of you. As poorly worded as that last sentence sounds, that's what it all boils down to- narcissism. I have to believe that these women want for attention so much that they create this alternate/fantasy world that has haters in every bush and tree, and around every corner. The fact is no one thinks about you. No one really thinks about anyone but himself or herself' for the most part. I talk into a microphone for a living; you think anyone gives a shit what I'm doing right now? No one cares as well they shouldn't. You know who had haters? That Russian spy that was poisoned had haters, JFK, MLK, Biggie and 2pac had haters. You're a 20 something female who got fired from Best Buy for stealing XBOX games for your boyfriend, not quite the same thing. If your going to make up a life for yourself, why not be a Bond Girl or Laura Croft Tomb Raider? Grow up and join the rest of the world, and stop hatin' on this blog.

4:27 PM 
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Saturday, March 08, 2008 
..> ..>
 

Al's myspace friends of the week- pt.2

Al's myspace friend(s) of the week!: Asstounding Entertainment myspace.com/asstoundingentertainment

Aight kids, this is an interactive blog, your going to have to pull up they're myspace page in order for this to make sense. That's assuming that once their page is up anything in your life will ever make sense again. I became fixated on this page because I feel like it does more to exemplify the fact that there are still women that have no idea what men find attractive or sexy. Fuck it, I'll settle for non-ridiculous.

Asstounding entertainment manages exotic dancers in the New England area that have clearly made a few bad choices in this life and probably a few former ones.
The first thing that they want you to know is that THIS IS NOT AN ESCORT SERVICE which anyone can see as they look at Navannah's lead picture. I've seen more subtle offers for sex in Cambodian bars. After looking at Navannah's picture I can only assume that she is checking her inbox everyday like, "why are all these pervy guys propositioning me for sex?" Didn't they read the rest of my profile where I stated the person I'd most like to meet would be Ghandi? That's right Navannah, when your leaning over a massage table with your skirt hiked up and your entire butt exposed, guys aren't going to learn anything else about you, we stop reading anything below your ass cheeks.

First things first, lets address the car wash: I've decided to take one picture from each row because otherwise this blog would (happily) never end.

First row, 3rd pic: Ludicrous (I'm going to run out of synonyms for shitty). Navannah looks like she is trying to raise awareness for horribly, awkward posture. Of every dollar you give 10 cents will be used to help a young girl that is constantly hunched over like the "less than" (<) sign. Her car washing mate Sonia has on a bathing suit that JFK's wife probably wore to the beach in '66. I'm waiting for a dog to bite it, and pull it down exposing her white butt like the old suntan lotion ads.

Second Row, pic one: Asinine. He doesn't look like a happy customer, it looks like one girl is holding him while Sonia robs him and Navannah shifts into the "greater than" (>) sign.

Third Row, pic's one and two: Awful. Ladies, enough with the pressure washers… wtf… why are you so obsessed with them? In the fourth pic Navannah shows off the body of a 14 year old boy that still wrestles at 104 lbs. and is actively trying to make weight.

Fourth Row, Pic 3: God Awful. Sonia forgets to hold her gut in, things take a turn for the worse.

Bonus side notes:
Robin looks like a homeless woman that was pulling it together and then her locker at the YMCA she was sleeping at was vandalized- Robin where are your pants? I want answers!
Lexi has a look on her face like your just told her you were an undercover cop but shes pondering on asking you for crack anyway.
Sonya looks like she wonders if you already gave the drugs you had to Lexi and Candy… Candy… Candy, we'll save that blog for a later date.

As I end this blog I want you to know that for all the shit I talked, I'm actually a gold member with asstounding entertainment. As it stands now, if I get two girls, I get a third girl that is equal to or slightly less disgusting than them for free! Beat that Genny!!

*****On a serious note I wrote this blog for you Denise, I hope it brought a smile to your face. Good luck with the surgery, we're all behind you baby!!! Hurry up and get better so you can come back out to the Improv and laugh a little bit girl-

love al

4:25 PM 
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Saturday, March 08, 2008 
..> ..>
 

Travelin' Al...

I just wanted to post this for the comics that hear, "wow, it must be so cool to travel every weekend to different places!" This is a letter that I wrote to Delta after they treated me like a day-shift stripper. I never sent it because I do drugs and don't have much follow through but it shows that I can come out of a drunken haze and sound like I attended an ivy league school for a year.

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Al Jackson and I am writing to discuss an issue(s) that I had while I traveled your airline this weekend from the Bahamas. I will keep this as brief as possible. I arrived at the Bahamas Intl. Airport at noon for a five p.m. flight to Orlando with service continuing to NYC-JFK. The flight was delayed two hours. Upon arriving in Orlando I was told that the flight going to JFK was also delayed two hours and five minutes. This flight was eventually canceled and I was forced to stay overnight in a hotel. I was booked on an 11am flight the following day (Sunday 7/15). Upon arriving at the airport I was told that the 11a.m. flight was canceled and I should go to Atlanta, (which was never in my travel plans) and try to catch a flight leaving at 2:30p.m. from Hartsfield Intl. (ATL). My flight to ATL from Orlando sat on the runway for 40 minutes. So, when I arrived in Atlanta, my flight was literally taking off as I taxied into the gate. I stood in line at the information desk for an hour only to be re-re-re-booked on a 5pm to JFK (which was scheduled to land at 7:30 pm). The time is important because I had a 9p.m. audition that I never in my wildest dreams could have imagined I would miss due to two days of flight delays. Well, the 5p.m. to JFK sat on the runway for an hour and forty-five minutes causing me to miss my New York audition. Verifiable flight numbers can be provided. I would like to know what is the protocol that your company follows in situations like this that relate to compensatory damages? Please write or call at your earliest opportunity.

Sincerely,

Al Jackson
786 877-****
441 E. 12 st apt. 5F
New York, NY 10009

Is verifiable a word? Who gives a shit, I'm at an Irish pub at 8:05 in the morning with the rest of the drunks that promised their loved ones they wouldn't drink for lent. On a side note, I'm not Catholic, so I'm not down on lent, I know nothing about it.  All I know is it was the ultimate cock-block when you're trying to get a chick hammered and she says, "I gave up drinking for lent!"... "Did ya!? Cause I gave up trying to nail sober chicks- so what we have here is a good ol' fashioned stand-off Tejas style!"

Ok, last last thing before the second vodka double diffuses through the stomach lining... I'm not Irish but I feel sorry for the way that Irish pubs have been bastardized in the last few years. I used to perform at an Irish pub when I was first starting out called the Celtic Ray. It was on the west coast of Florida near Naples and it was a real bar who's claim to fame was that Hurricane Charley came thru and destroyed literally half of the bar so badly it was never repaired- there were people sitting at the bar as the storm hit and the glass shattered. Four years ago, I was in Boston during their last major blizzard... power lines were down, phone lines down, the only thing open with candles and a manual cash register- an Irish pub. That's how they roll. Now (as I sit in one at the fuckin' AIRPORT) they're everywhere... but they are watered down, copy-cats. You walk inside, and they're playing Cypress Hill... you see kids playing a crane machine for plush toys of four leaf clovers. Chicks are dancing on the bar, doing a poorly rehearsed dance that they saw on Coyote Ugly once when they were on E. I say this to say, the drunks need to take back the night, I think date-rape victims have that slogan so I'm taking suggestions.

1:21 PM 
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Monday, January 01, 2007 

By Ronnie Khalil

For me, 2006 was filled with good times, professional achievements and meeting new friends.  So with all my successes, I didn't know what to expect from 2007.  Well, this morning, I got a wonderful omen: the Good Luck New Years Stiffy.  I woke up excited, not only sexually, but about life.  Much like his other burrowing friend the groundhog, if the Good Luck Stiffy pokes his head out and curves to the right, the year will be filled with risk and excitement.  If Stiffy curves to the left, it will be a calm, yet pleasant year.

Waking up, I couldn't ignore Stiffy, mostly because he was staring me in the face with his one good eye.  I could have gone to the bathroom and urinated, but that would only have gotten my ceiling wet.  I could have pet Stiffy but then I would sleep again and waste my first day of 2007.  So I decided to embrace my Stiffy and let him follow me around the house.  He's helping me write this blog right now - continually pressing the space bar.  som etim es too m uch. 

And even though I am only one click away from internet porn, I refuse to look at it.  No matter how many hot, 18-year old "first-time auditioners" are calling my name.  I don't need to see Jessica Alba naked, not that there are any photos of her naked...or are there?  I have to check, I'll be back in just a second........

......hey I'm back.  No, nothing.  But they did have Jessical Biel.  Look, I'm a little tired right now.  Stiffy, uh, ran away.  Maybe he'll come back again next year. 

Happy New Year!!!!

3:13 PM 
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Tuesday, June 20, 2006 

From Al Jackson, member of The Miami Comics:

As the lid on my career as a 7th grade public school teacher slowly closes over like Im looking up from the bottom of the well in the movie, The Ring, I feel like it is no longer incumbent upon me to hold back what I have always wanted to say to you... No, no, no... Not "There are no jobs" my message to college students that are about to learn there degree is for what they paid, worthless. My message to you is kind of one of saddness. The amount of disillusion that you as 7th and 8th graders as well as high school students is not your fault. It is mine, and your parents, and every other adult that has failed to prepare you for a world in which you are not equiped. While you run around the mall having inane conversations like, "Im upstairs next to Forever 21", "I'm down stairs at Baby Gap!" There are kids around the world and right here in this country preparing to kick your ass on standardized tested, extra hours worked, and quality of work done. I propose that every Friday, kids skip school and go to some job and do it for a day. Go lift something heavy and put it on a shelf for 8 hours, mop something that stinks, sit in rush hour traffic with your parents for a day and you will soon understand that the 300 dollar tmobile sidekick with the 100 dolce n gabana carrying pouch didn't fall outta the sky, and wrap itself, it came from your parents who work their ass off for you to feel your false sense of entitlement. The saddest part about all of this is that real life is a'comin. And like a sucker punch in the high school cafeteria, your not ready. You going to be under qualified for most jobs, and even those that you are qualified for will be taken by an increasingly and overwhelming more qualified global applicant. So yeah, that Asian kid that "talked funny", that Indian kid, you know "quickie mart voice guy""...now the only time that you'll be able to make fun of the way "they" talk is when "they" tell you, you can go on break... because they'll be YOUR BOSS. So pick up that cell phone that you have attached all of your personal, worth, attention and free time... and text this message that mr. jackson told ya, "ur fckd".

7:51 PM 
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Wednesday, June 07, 2006 

Current mood:  aggravated

From Ronnie:  I just entered an empty public restroom where there were three stalls.  I chose the one furthest to the left.  A few moments later, someone enters into the bathroom and sits in the stall right next to me!  There are three stalls, only one occupied on the left, why would you choose the middle stall?  Do you enjoy shitting next to other people?  Do you think your bowel movements are so melodic that they need to be in earshot of an audience?

 

Perhaps I am overreacting.  I always have had a bit of a problem with public bathrooms and the concept of crapping with anyone near me.  I even have to raise the TV volume (or turn on the water faucet) when I do the two at home so my roommates dont hear me.  I admit: I have a problem.

 

But even public bathrooms should have certain rules.

 

1)      No matter how many stalls there are, only one person can shit at a time.

2)      The handicapped stall shall be officially known as the shit stall.  This means that nobody including drunken people are allowed to use the handicapped stall for standing-up, off the cliff urination.  If I need to shit, I dont need to hover over a yellow-beaded toilet seat. 

3)      If someone is shitting, in no way is it ever acceptable to hang around the restroom.  You cant check your hair or adjust your tiejust fucking leave!  You dont even need to wash your hands.

4)      If you need to urinate, and someone is shitting, your first duty is to turn on the automatic hand dryer.  Its a sign of respect.  If the bathroom only has paper towels, then just leave.  Go urinate in a potted plant outside.

5)      If your stall has no toilet paper and youve already began to drop the kids off at the pool, too fucking bad.  You should have checked beforehand.  It is NEVER acceptable to ask someone in the stall next to you for toilet paper because, if he does hand it to you, then you are officially two men holding hands with your pants down while covered in shit.  And thats not just gayits creepy porno gay.

 

This brings us to a quick side note to you ladies.  I dont care how long youve been dating us.  I dont care if were married or if you are the mother of our children.  You may never, ever, ever come into the bathroom when we are dumping one out; or try to get us to come in while you are squeezing a loaf.  Never. 

7:38 PM 
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Wednesday, December 28, 2005 

Current mood:  confused

The problem with stand-up comedy is that I can’t take my work home with me. I’m not allowed to be culturally insensitive anywhere else.  When I go home, I can’t say half the things I say at work.  “What did you do at work today?”  I was making fun of an Asian…I mean, all the time with the rice-eating  “Ronnie, you can’t say that!”  What?!

If I make fun of you, I’m not trying to be mean; I’m just working overtime. I was at a basketball game and there was a Native-American player.  His name was Chief Kicking Stallion.  I’m not making this up!  So, he gets rejected by one of our players, so I’m like, “Oh!  Block Party, reservation for two!  Keep your head up Chief, be a little brave!”  And I’m laughing and laughing, and this guy next to me says, “Hey, those comments are culturally insensitive and should not be tolerated!”  What?!?

So, to me, the real world has the same constricting rules as corporate America does to you.  My only chance to unwind and speak my mind is at work – how sick is that?  Did you know that I can’t walk up to a girl in the real world and say, “Nice titties, they real?” I know, it’s ridiculous!!!

I had a girl once tell me, “You’re a stand-up comic, all you do is tell lies.”  No, I’m a stand-up comic, all I do is tell the truth.  People just prefer lies.  Anyway, I guess I’m having a little trouble coping…if you have any suggestions, please post them up.

4:23 PM 
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