Yesterday, I had what I consider to be a pretty sane breakup.

For the first time, I was able to look at the situation objectively early in the game and be honest (with the other person and myself) about what I needed.

I didn't wait for things to self destruct.
I didn't wait to get really sad before saying anything.
I didn't beg him to change.
I didn't try to make him want to dump me.

I guess I'm growing up... and even if this is not what I want, at least I know what I need.

Hope your day is going better than mine!

I'm not sure if it's the rain or another cloud hanging over my head but I feel like making a list of things I'm not good at. Oddly, I am hoping this writing experiment will show 1) the list is short and 2) the things on the list are kind of trivial... I guess I'll see...

1) Folding fitted sheets
I now have to do this at the inn I'm working at. At one point, I wrestled with a king fitted sheet for half an hour. I was thinking if there was a security cam that it would probably make for some entertaining viewing.

No matter how hard I try (or which techniques from well meaning friends I employ), I may always be mediocre at this.

2) Baking
My bread ends up kind of blah and my cookies either end up too crisp or undercooked.

The carbohydrate is a basic at every meal so it's really too bad...though I guess that means staying low carb will be that much easier.

3) Dancing
You know that goofy dancing I do at weddings? Yup, that's all I know. And I am afraid to sign up for a dance class because the few I've taken as a younger child were completely unsuccessful. Want to see me squirm? Ask me to dance alone in front of a group. I may pee my pants.

4) Web design
I can tell a cruddy site from a mile away, and even give you opinions on sites. In my new freelance life, a lot of people thing I design websites. Trust me, you don't want me designing your website. I paid someone to do mine for a reason.

I am that terrible kind of web design client with my own stuff: I only know what I don't want and only when I see it. Thank god for my arty and techy friends I can consult with, and the patience of my web designers.

5) Paying attention to detail
I am not detail oriented. People always try to dispute this because I am quite competent but if you really know me, or in particular have worked with me, you know the truth. I will not notice if that photo is 4 pixels to one side, or that I left my coffee mug in the sink. I will not notice today is Thursday and there is always a meeting on Thursday between 9 and 9:30.

I am a little aloof which means keeping track of things like appointments and calling insurance companies and bringing back library books completely overwhelm me. I sometimes even get little heart palpitations if I think too much about it. In short: if I don't schedule it on my Google calendar, it'll never happen. Tell me something when you run into me at the grocery store and I'm not remembering it when I get home. Sorry!

What I'm seeing is there are always things I can do to improve in all these areas but I either don't want to do it or don't feel capable of doing it.

But I do see my list is pretty short and mostly manageable...

Anyway, that is for all you people out there who think I have my act completely together. I don't. But I'm ok with that if you are. :^)

Dear Myspace,

So much has happened since I last wrote.

You were, and always will be, my very first blog so please know that despite my lack of writing on this site, you are still in my heart. I even gave you a prettier background last month to show you I cared.

Some updates on my life are clearly in order.

1) I now work for myself. Plenty of time to be on you all day? Not so much, Myspace. Contrary to popular belief, I have yet to find someone who will pay me to sit online and just be cool all day on my own accord. This is why I am trying to get paid to do it for other people. So far, not bad but I could definitely use some more business. Working on it though!

2) I now work at an inn part time. I know, why the heck am I doing that? Don't I want to someday have one job and not two or three? Well I love the part time steady job because of the idea of a steady pay check to pay my rent, food, internet connection, etc. Also I think I'll get some good contacts out of it and some potential business. And thirdly and bestly, it is not a difficult job and during it, I can often do things like read books about internet marketing and write my blog.

3) I have a newish boyfriend. I know, I know, Myspace. You tried to hook me up by having lots of half naked guys with bad grammar send me messages. Clearly, you don't know my taste, and that's ok. And no, newish is not some weird combination of 'new' and 'Jewish', he just happens to be not quite brand new but still kind of new. His name is John and no, it's not my old high school boyfriend John. Different John. Great guy, Myspace, and I know you're a little jealous but I think you'd really like him. He's very supportive of items 1 and 2 and he makes the best calzones ever. Clearly I'm keeping that around for awhile!

4) I soft launched my site. Still working out some bugs but am exciting that Breaking Even Communications and the Breaking Even blog will have it's very own (non Typepad) site by month's end.

So Myspace, know I still love and think about you and will continue to recommend your social networkiness to appropriate potential clients. Please give my love to Tom and I will try to write on you more often!

Kisses,
Nicole

It's New Year's Eve, a night that has often disappointed me. Life goes from one winter day to...well, another winter day. And there's all this pressure to do something interesting. To have a drink and some good food. To see friends. To go out. To stay up all night. To have some unforgettable time.

Tonight, I'm not up for it. Any of it. Today I bought myself a $14 bottle of champagne and a $2 box of corndogs. It's just what I wanted. I've watched some Office episodes on hulu.com. I've had two of the five glasses of champagne in the bottle. I'm seeing a blog entry in my future and then going to bed with a book.

So to everyone out there, I hope you're doing something more interesting then me...unless, like me, you don't want to be. Because tonight is about your new year and what you want to make of it. So enjoy yourself. Because it is promising to be a better year, at least from my vantage point. And you've got 365 days to make the most of it.

So on this winter night going into another winter day, take care of yourself. A corndog toast to 2009!

After talking to literally 25 different people over the course orf three days at Time Warner cable, I now have internet.

You can now write to me and actually get a response... but give me the weekend to catch up. As you can imagine after a month without internet, I'm a little buried!

Technically, I'm alive and well and still unpacking.

I found out today it'll be a month before I have internet at my house. You'll have a better chance of getting ahold of me if you email, as my social networking is about to become very limited...

Hope all is well with all of you!

It's a crazy world.

A year ago Tuesday, my dad drowned. It took a couple whiskeys last night to figure out complicated feelings about all this were actually really creeping in on me. I'm not advocating drinking as a way of coping at all, but the experience helped me get a much needed deep sleep. (Don't worry friends, this is not at all going to be a regular thing.)

A year ago last year, I was living with the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. It's been a rough year for both of us, and ultimately I realized I've lost a lot of myself in the shuffle. I've decided I need a space to call my own and spend some time figuring out what I need and want without taking care of anyone else. And believe me, this is something I compulsively do.

For example, I'm the kind of person that if I go to the movies with someone, I'm sort of checking on them throughout the movie: looking at their face, trying to figure out if they are having a good time. I've decided to stop living my life like that, and just watch the damn movie, laughing at the parts I think are funny. Because it's my movie too.

For someone who likes to consider myself an individual, I care an awful lot what people think. Well, maybe it's that I'm more aware of it now as I get older. It really does get easier to let that go as time goes on, but I do catch myself trying to make people happy. These next few months will be a concerted effort to make only myself happy. Selfish? I hope not. I like to think of it as self-investment.

I'm considering living in a 220 square foot apartment, which is probably 1/6 the size of the house I was living in most recently. Sure, it's small but it's close to a lot of things. It'll help me live with only what I really need. It's got a lot of character. It's within five minute walking distance of a couple friends, the grocery store, the hardware store, and the ocean. It's got good light. I'm considering another place too but the landlady is getting back to me about rent reduction possibilities. (I had such a good feeling about her; I can't wait to hear back.) What I realize is I can see myself and Sadie in both those apartments. It'll work out.

Sean and I still remain friends. He's a good man, and today we're going to a hockey game together. I have nothing but admiration and respect for him.

Please know that I'm doing ok. Really. And whether it's 220 square feet or something else I live in next weekend, I'm going to be happy. Thanks for continuing to be good friends to both Sean and I, and have a great Sunday.

I took the next three days off about two months ago, Wednesday through Friday of this week. There was a party to attend on the V-have involving some of my favorite people tonight. So why am I writing this from Ellsworth?

Early this morning (4 am to be exact), Sean woke me up and told me to take him to the hospital. Now he's admitted and is waiting to have his gall bladder taken out. Could be tomorrow, could be the next day, could be the day after. Depends how quickly his body stabalizes for the surgery.

Needless to say, I didn't get on a ferry and leave my bf's butt alone in a hospital. That said, who knows when all this is going to happen? I went out tonight to take my mind off it but I'm still holding down the fort alone tonight.

I'm wondering when the universe is going to cut me a break. It's been a crappy year in my life and I could certainly use some silver lining versus spending vacay in the hospital. .. I know, I know, I really don't have it very bad at all but sometimes I look at the sky and ask "why me?", you know?

Sean is going to be ok, it sounds like this is a very routine procedure. I'm glad he had me bring him the hospital when he did. But do keep us in your thoughts. Thanks!