Many people think of sex as something wonderful, pleasurable, and fun to do. Sex builds the relationship and makes it stronger. At least that is what it is suppose to do. Right? What if it doesn't? What if your experience with the act actually tore your relationship apart? Would you even know? Would you be prepared to handle the consequences of a decision made in the moment of passion?

I was always taught, like you, that making 'love' would cause a relationship to grow deeper. It would want you to be more intimate with your partner. Intimate meaning to know the person in a way that you hadn't known or to care for them like you hadn't, you just want more of them. Making love to them would cause you to discover new and exciting things about them that you didn't know. You would share yourself entirely with them. You don't share yourself with others. Making love isn't just for everyone… it is for the one you chose.

Somehow things got distorted though. How? What causes a person to be so distorted that the way the think of sex will actually push them away from their partner?  Push them away to the point that they don't want to be with them anymore? There are many theories. All hold great truth. All I can relate to.

Intimacy is very important in a sexual experience. If you cannot experience intimacy you are left to feel alone, or 'could this be right?' What happens to those who are victims of rape? There is no intimacy of course. You have no say. You are alone. You are scared. Some are comfortable enough to go and tell. I was not. I carried my burden for over 18 years before even really telling a soul. The consequence of it is that sex to me became something that someone could just do. I didn't have to react. I developed in my mind and told myself "its just a body." It kept me from having to connect to the situation.

"This is the ONLY one I want to be with." How do you know? How long did you wait? When the body runs on hormones and we all have them, it is natural, how do you know so quickly that this is the ONLY one you want to be with? It would NOT be natural if you didn't have the hormones. It is practicing the self-control the lacks in many situations.

Every relationship should have a strong friendship foundation. What do you do if you 'slip' do you run away from each other or work through? Who do you go to for counsel? How do you work through? Where is your spiritual foundation? One thing that causes relationships to move backwards is conviction. Standing before the throne of God. Yes He forgives but you know better. When you want to do His will and you know you are outside His will.

All these ring true in my life. I have been there. A distorted way of thinking, he is the one, and being outside His will yet desiring the life inside.

How do you change your thinking? Being in God's will. God will heal.

I wrote this last year after going through a season in my life of learning about forgiveness. I was learning to forgive those who had hurt me yet it opened up what I had buried and I had to finally deal with- face- the moments had tore my life apart. I was a wreck.

The word says that the enemy comes to kill, steal, and destroy. I can look back on my life and see how it had happened. It starts in thoughts soon turned into actions- or lack of them. I didn't know at the time that not saying anything would turn my life upside down. I didn't know different. Yet what we don't realize is that it isn't where we have been or who we were it is where we are going and who we become.

As I wrote in a previous paragraph that I was learning to forgive- I had written a letter to the one who raped me. I had forgiven him completely, meaning I hold no anger, no bitterness, nothing against him anymore. Yet, after I had written this letter every time I looked in the mirror I saw myself broken, used, and damaged. It had been so long since I had seen this about myself. I had worked long and hard many years ago- battling with anorexia and how I saw my body before. I knew that this was dangerous. I cried out to God for healing. I talked with my pastors. I was given information on where to turn. One thing about God is when you come to Him with expectation He meets you there.

Through the time of healing I shared this with a couple pastors. One of them posted this as a mystery blogger in his blogs. I learned that many others had shared this experience. My heart cried out as some had not been healed. See, it isn't just that the experience happens. It truly affects who you are. Some girls have different addictions and tendencies from depression, alcoholism, suicide attempts, sex, same sex preferences, etc all because of the damages one moment made… one moment when you don't have a choice. I decided it was time to share. I spoke about it amongst my peers for the first time. Scary as it was for people I know to hear my story it brought for more people with similar stories. God showed me that one way that the enemy destroys is to make us feel as if we are alone. We hide the shame when there is nothing to be shameful for. We hide because we are scared of what others may think. I was scared- years later just as I was scared before - I was popular in school and what would my friends have thought going into the 7th grade? I would have been different... we all know that kids can be so mean. Yet, the call now out weighed the fear. I didn't want anyone to feel as I had felt all those years. I want others to know the freedom. You don't have to carry this burdon any longer. Lay it at Jesus feet. Press forward.

This is only touching on the first of the three situations talked about in the above writing. Maybe because this is my heart in reaching out to those who are hurting. Maybe because this is my story.

I have often heard people talking about their futures and where they want to be in so many years, what they want to be when they grow up, etc. It is awesome that from out youth we start planning our steps that will make such a difference in our lives. Yet have you ever stopped to wonder who is really planning? The Word says in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord " plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." Well, what happened to 'my' plans? Proverbs 16:9 says, "A man's heart plans his way but the Lord directs his steps." Are you sure? What happens when all hell breaks loose, is that God?

The beauty of it all is that when we are aligned with God our choices, our plans are in sync. Let me share.

A little over a year ago I had an opportunity to move to Arizona. My job was wanting to move me here. I didn't feel right about it. There was a check in my spirit. As much as I love the warmth- or should I say heat, I knew I wasn't called. A few months later I was at a leadership conference when I was listening to a speaker talk about planting a vision and how to move into. I heard God speak to me about moving to AZ. "What?" I thought. "Why now?" However, I had just been given a tool that night about moving into a God given vision. I took the steps toward moving into it. Somewhere along the line I went off course. I was tested. I made my own plans instead of the ones God had for me. You see, I loved Seattle and for the longest time wanted to move back. Even today will tell you all that I love about it, hopping on a ferry and going to the San Juans, Pikes place, I love the cultural diversity, and one of my favorite churches is there. I had 'my' plans going. All was going wonderful with my plans for about a week and then there was an abrupt stop. It was hurtful. I was so wrapped up in what I wanted that I had forgotten where God had called me. I had even twisted what I had heard. I told myself that if God was calling me out of Spokane I would just go to Seattle. The thing is, He wasn't calling me to Seattle, He was calling me to the Valley. He was calling me to AZ. Now we all know how gracious God is. He loves us more than anything. I got back on track but God was showing me that I wasn't called to Spokane anymore. I had to learn to be careful of what people spoke over me concerning where God was guiding me. I was leaving all I knew to go out into the unknown. Family and church family were being careful that I was making the right decisions. I had to remember and align myself with God's plan for me.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5. God set me apart for this journey. He knew the heartaches, the choices, the fears that I would face. He is my rock. One thing I have learned in this Valley- the land of no water, is to come thirsty. He shows up where He is wanted- come thirsty. If you are full- do not need Him- why would you expect Him to show up. Come thirsty.

It wasn't long as that I started what I called a project that I never thought I could do. For over a month I spent living in my past. I cried, I trembled, I spent times where I could barely breath as I relived some horrific moments in time. I did all this to be free? Free from unforgiveness. I had to forgive those who had hurt me.

I didn't realize how much burden I was carrying. I didn't realize how it was effecting me and my relationships. I just didn't realize.

I remember one time as I was laying in the pool thinking about a certain moment I got a flash of what it was like to carry burdens, wounds of unforgiveness. During this time I kept a journal. I will share this part. Not for me, but to show others just what carrying a burden you aren't meant to carry can do.

In the pool I was thinking about how I must get totally naked. Naked is my word for bearing the soul. As I thought of how to describe it to another person I thought of what it would look like. If you imagine yourself in your pain or hurt, you hide it. Well, at least I do. I don't want to share it. Lets call that hiding it like putting on a layer of clothing. And the pain a wound on your body. The more times you get hurt, the more layers of clothing you put on and the more sores you have on your body. Did you take the time to heal the wound? Did you heal them fully or just mostly? When you heal there is forgiveness involved… did you remember to forgive? Now if you took off all the layers of clothing, what is underneath? See, when I was having troubles breathing was when I saw my body covered in sores and some bleeding. Some of those sores were over 10 years old. Burdens I have been carrying around.

What would life be like after forgiving? I know for me there has been peace. Access to areas that I never thought possible. Freedom to live the life I have been created to live.

Forgiveness may require you to humble yourself. To dig deep. You may have to hurt first to feel better later. Trust me, it is worth it!