Dear Thanksgiving,

Why do you exist? Don't get me wrong; the time off from school and work is great, but WHY do I have to spend that time with my family when I could be doing cooler stuff like - for example - having sex or watching others have sex while I masturbate? I'm not trying to sound ungrateful or anything, but I have some questions I am hoping you will be able to answer for me:

1: Do the Native Americans celebrate Thanksgiving? I am 1/16th Blackfoot Sioux and am at constant moral warfare with myself when Thanksgiving comes around. It is marketed as "a day to be grateful for all that we have and celebrate family and friends and yadda yadda yadda", yet the Indian in me weeps... why is that? Native Americans can be grateful for Casinos and Alcohol... right?

2: How many fucking "Happy Thanksgiving!" cards do I need to buy at Wal-Mart before I can go to Heaven? Is it like Valentine's Day or Christmas where I am required - by God - to buy at least 100 "made in China by 8 year old kids in a sweatshop" cards and spend countless hours personalizing them for each person?

3: Why - when life is so full of shit - do I have to be grateful or thankful FOR ANYTHING?! I feel that I am entitled to my pain and would like to make a holiday to recognize how shitty life is. I will call it Life Sucks Day and here is how it will work:

-You stay at home cutting yourself while watching the movie Zeitgeist.

-This is a day of fasting until 8pm when you can have 3 pieces of breaded okra and a plain yogurt for dipping.

-From 8 - 11pm you weep for all of the things that have gone wrong in your life; It's a pity party and ONLY YOU are invited! You get to reflect on all of the friends who have betrayed you, all of the people you have loved who have died, divorces, break-ups and so on.

-This is also a good opportunity to review tax documents and any outstanding bills that you may have. While meditating on these things you will want to watch Lady GaGa's Poker Face video over and over again knowing that she has made more money off of that shit than you ever will. Also little girls look up to this shit?

-At one minute before midnight you drink your own urine.

Do you think this is a marketable holiday?

4: Why... In a world FULL of genocide and starvation and suffering do we get together and stuff our faces with food? Wouldn't it be better if we ate smaller portions and shared the leftovers with people in our OWN cities that have it worse off than we do? If you want to be thankful; volunteer at a local shelter and scoop generic Mashed potatoes, gravy and turkey onto the plates of people who have lost everything. I did that once and had some great conversations; one was with a VERY GRATEFUL Woman and her Daughter. The Woman was a victim of rape and her child was a product of that trauma yet she had SO MUCH love in her eyes for her daughter and they both seemed so happy to have a place to sleep in the shelter and a nice warm meal that costs about a dollar per plate. I also talked to a guy who lost everything: his family, his job and his home to Meth addiction. He had 4 teeth and a twitch and was "just thankful to be alive". I thought about it for a while and then went home to a Giant stuffed turkey, Ham, 13 side dishes and 6 Pies. I listened to my Family argue over pointless shit and saw that no one was appreciative of all that they had in front of them and around them. I ate two bites, went to my bedroom and cried until I fell asleep. This brings me to my next question:

5: Why are the people with so little material possessions and money seem to be so much more grateful for things that WE as a Country take for granted?

Please respond as soon as you can, Thanksgiving. Thanks!

Love,
     Pleco