Its literally choking the life out of me. I have tried every damn thing I can think of to try to rid myself of this, I have made habit changes, lifestyle changes, every single stupid change I could think of and still I am just miserable all the time. What is it that needs to be fixed. Medicine not the answer, they just make me more unstable. I have no idea what it is that i need, but I need to find it quickly because I've been having really scary irrational thoughts lately. Excercise helps, but only until that physical high is gone, then it's back to the hurt painful state I've been in. My home has turned into a prison once more, but even worse.... I'd actually rather have the cat shit and the hair in the air out there and the giant mess, at least then it would seem like a reasonable thing to keep my door closed. And then everybody is relegated to their rooms. Instead i have gone from almost getting my place how I want it, with who I want gone, to now having to deal with that roomate not only moving back in, but developing a relationship with the one I actually like hanging out with.  Not that I don't want them to be friends, but they feed off each other, and it just makes the one I already CAN'T STAND even worse becuase she has a captive audience.Turns into like a Super-version of herself....... AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  How I am ending up looking frantically for a place I do not know, but here I am, as the "eldest" roomate ( I was here first, and am sooooooooooooo wishing I didn't suggest that Sophie have that girl move in, cuz now, once again I am looking for a place, I don't want to pay rent in a place that i have to lock myself in my room after 9 or so (whenever she gets home) that's lame and wrong, but there are just some people in life who you can't stand even a bit, even if they have good intentions, and this is one. This apartment is no longer home, I am merely a person living in a room of an apartment that is owned by the other two, can't really tell you how much that sucks......I was planning on FINALLY not having musical/artsy/flowery/annoying/library of long boring pointless stories/....... but I have never met somebody in my life who can't stand to not be the center of everything from the moment they walk through the door......I think that might be one of the worst personality traits a person can have. I really can usually make things work but not now. My plans, my hope for the new year in this place, are all gone and twisted because of a bailed move out. I was gonna look for a place, then I heard she was moving. So I say, okay cool I can stay. I stop looking, let THREE really good opportunties go through my fingers, because I liked the potential setup here, and now, nope, back to fucking square one again, with no good potential roomates in site. If ANY of you guys friends/relatives anybody, have a place I can stay and not have to totally revamp my life PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! I honestly cannot belive that this has turned sour so quickly. I hate coming home now. I get about 2-3 hours of freedom when I first get home and then BOOM, around 9 or so, have to lock myself down. Not a great way to live right? Would've been fine, AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH     I was SO CLOSE to FINALLY having a roomate I liked living with.... screw it. This is just another sign that I need to get the hell out of here. I was gonna try to stick it out for a year but there is no damn way I can......I hope ricks girlfriend moves out so I can move into my grams place, rid myself of an annoyance, and take myself out of the picture so they don't have a grumpy roomate to deal with, cuz I seriously am about to lose it, and Mel in particular doesn't deserve to deal with a grump, especially because I don't want to put her in an awkward situation.  I stir in my bedroom till 4 in the morning everynight now.. I don't hate her, but i do hate living with her. I wanted my apartment to be a source of joy, not a source of annoyance. I wouldn't relaly care except now I can't live with one of my best friends because I passed it up to stay here. Guess that's just life kicking me in the ass again. Stick with your friends, or get screwed over.......... And of course, I can't realistically move, so I'm stuck bouncing from friends house to friends house AGAIN!!!!!!! Because the last place i ever want to be is home. When this place is empty, it sucks. When I have that roomie here, it sucks. When I have the other roomie home, it's good... not perfect cuz I can't get the house and the friends that I want over to make it more lively, but good. But I can tell to her I am just the "warm-up" friend, meaning i get hung out with when the other isn't around.  And the other roomie loves it and I don't blame her, if I had 3 new good friends that I could mesh with, I'd like it too. Just entirely out of my element, and I now cannot turn this house into anything that I wanted it to be. I am fighting so hard to get out of the sad state, and this was gonna be a big step towards it. Now i have to deal with the place I live putting me in a crappy mood. That may be just too much to handle. Time will tell. I'll be bouncing around from family to friends now. Exactly what I didn't want to do. This sucks so much. But i have no money for a plce, and I am trying to stay at one job for at least a while...................... so stuck and screwed.... yet again wonderful, maybe it's time I start going back to church, it seems like there must be a god, because since I've stopped going, the crap has only gotten deeper and deeper.

    I swear that I do have happy moments, I just only seem to write about the sad, whether through music or this lovely forum I've come up with. How unfair is life really? I feel like I have to choose hating my life or hating myself. Let me elaborate: Option A) Move back to florida, rejoin my son (as I should) and be the father I should be, but hate everything around me, and never develop the other aspects of my life that i feel I need to have to be a strong father and example for this little boy. Or B) Stay where i am, keep the good job, have my son vacations and summers, and let his life pass me by with the exception of the yearly 3 month lump that i get to try to crash course all my teaching and fathering on him. And hate myself for not being there for him like I wish my father had been......... I don't want another man to be his father. It kills me to think of him running into someone else's arms. I have put so much effort and love into this kid, that it feels like robbery to not have him here. Sometimes I can barely breathe, as if my success now that I've come home has become the hand that chokes any chance at happiness that i had away, knowing that somewhere else, my kiddo is wondering why his daddy isn't there. Why his dad doesn't love him. I know that those are crazy thoughts, but those are the exact thoughts that I was starting to have at Jaydens age, and I made a promise to myself long ago that I would be an amazing father and for 4 and a half years, I did my best to be that. I can honestly say that. I fought, struggled and sacrificed everything to be with him, and I do not regret and instant. What I regret is being put in the position of either having my life or my heart broken, and the inability to pick up the pieces of both at the same time.  It's one or the other, and that is what burns. And right now, though I'm finally making progress, musically and professionally, I feel selfish. So selfish. I feel like quite possibly one of the most rotten people to ever walk the earth. Is that feeling justified, I don't think so, but one look at a picture, or one phone call with him, and I break down. I don't cry for anything except him anymore, I've numbed myself to the point where I feel nothing, but he keeps pushing through every wall I put up (thankfully) and seems to want me in his life still. The last phone call ended with "I had a dream that you me and the ice cream lady and Sophie were down at the store, but then I woke up and I was sad. Cuz I miss you, it makes me sad and I don't know why. I don't know why I'm sad daddy... I couldn't even respond, as I choked back tears all I could say was, "I'll see you at Christmas". Never have words seemed so empty nor have I ever felt such a feeling of Deja Vu. Perhaps because only 18 years earlier I was hearing the same thing through my young ears and wondering why my dad couldn't see me tommorow. Distance, time, those things don't matter when your his age. You don't understand it. To him, I'm still down the road, and just not picking him up from daycare or visiting anymore. I just have not been around. He still loves me and hopes. Hopes that tommorow, he'll hear a knock on the door, and he'll open it to me. That knock is not coming tommorow though, or the next day, or the day after that. Months will go by before the knock comes, if it comes at all. Is it really fair to make a child hold on to love? I don't think so, not at all. I also think my situation is compeltly unfair, but alas I am an adult, and my situation is something I need to find a way to deal with. For more than two years now I've been struggling with self-healing and finding a path for me and my son. Two years with no answers, and none even in sight. Merry Christmas everyone. I love all of you (well most of you :) ) and please be thankful for having your children with you. I cannot fully express the pain I feel, nor the shame for not stepping up and meeting this challenge with the same rash arrogance I used to. Time has made me more calculated, wiser, progressive. Or has it made me weak, selfish, and pathetic? Questions, questions, questions right. No matter how long you avoid them they eventually smack you right in the mouth again. Hard and painfully. So I seek ways to distract myself. Alcohol, women, the gym, music, although some of these things are more beneficial in the physical sense than others, they all are in a sense demons, and things to depend on when I feel sad. Sorry, pity party for one is over and done. Who would've thought 4 years ago I'd be the last one left of my friends. Single, alone, and without the one kid  that makes my life relevant. He has been my reason for living for so long, I'm struggling to find one that fullfills me even half as much now. If only my days without him weren't so dark in florida. If I had him full time, I could be in the middle of Bagdhad for christs sake, and I'd be happier than on a day without him down there. A place without soul tends to suck yours away, make you do immoral things, things you wouldn' thave done in a better environment. It's happened to me and happened to ones I care about, and strained a relationship that I needed to make this whole thing work. And I have no intention lowering my standards and life that low again, or watching others fall. When will I find a balance? I have no idea I just hope it's soon...........

I have no idea what is going on anymore. I have lost all ablility to understand my life, I feel like I'm on the edge of insanity. I thought I had things figured out, and effectively, I have somebody come into my life, talk to me, connect with me on some subjects, and than just all out passively-bash my entire decision making process and the way I'm living. The problem is I have a huge problem with the way I'm living, so half the things that were said are correct. The problem is the other person absolutly is unwilling to admit that maybe they don't have things right as well. And no the said person was not a girlfriend for once, so these thoughts coming from a different source are what are making me pause. I have no purpose, no idea, and no life. This summer spent at home was about finding myself and I thought I was, but in the course of 3 days my entire world has managed to fall apart, much to my own doing, but also to alot of objective advice. I suck at life, essentially is the lesson I learned today. I don't know if that's the truth, but that is definetly how I feel (even though I know the intent of the criticisms was supposed to be more of a kick-start than a downer, I think they could've been presented in a much more amiable, and sensitive way. I don't need to be handled with kid gloves but I also don't need critiqueing from someone who has never been in my situation I guess. I don't know, alot of what was said was true, and alot was ignorant (or just someone trying to understand something from a very limited perspective). I just hate it when people rattle off criticism and then shake off yours in a " well he's just saying that, he's not right, just rattled by what I said so this is a shot back. No credit, none. I think after everything I've been through I can handle just a wee bit of critiqueing. And then give back solid criticism without alterior motives. Anyway out for now, just venting. Stupid stupid world. I can't deal with this anymore. I miss my kiddo. God I miss him so much..... Is there really nothing left out there for me, am I already in the best position I could be in when I was in florida?

Heh, how quickly that lasted huh? Back and on the road again..... I am getting so sick of leaving everything behind that I've begun just randomly breaking down about leaving things, this girl in particular. I feel like if I had the time to let it develop our relationship  would be amazing, and yet I HAVE to leave her behind to get this demo done and just feel a little more complete. I was in her room tonight, picking up Jayden, and I just started crying. She was sleeping, but here was this amazing girl that I was leaving behind, for some reason I feel like I am going to be seeing her again, I've never felt this way, but this kiss, and even the way we lay next to each other, is more perfect than anything I've ever felt. She and I connect on soo  many levels but (in her own words as well) she needs to slow down, and not rush things. The unforunate thing as a father of 24, is time is no longer a luxury for me. Here was this amazing girl, that is going to be in and out of my life in a matter of weeks, and leave this impression now that every single girl after her will be judged by.... I doubt that anyone will fit me this perfectly though, so looks like I'm going to have to settle. My emotions are out of control around her, good and bad, and I need to just step away. Anyway, keep tuned, should be headed back to home, and a more supportive, controlled environment. Prayers please!

Long time no blog huh? I bet millions and millions are wondering whats going on in the troubled yet amazing dome of me.    Well, I had moved back to florida in what I thought was only going to be a couple of months, and was planning to leave at the end of may until about a week ago. You see, I'm a what if kinda guy, and if I left at the end of may, i would be wondering, what if you made this newly found interest bloomed into a full fledged relationship.... what would happen. Yes that's right, a girl. Correction, a woman :) A smart, independent, funny, and purely beautiful girl (that's the right order of qualitites right mom?) has shown up when I least expected it and wasn't looking (funny how when you finally stop looking is when she pops up huh?)  Don't really know much more than that yet, but I can say this, it's good to have your heart open up to more than your child once in a while, and that has certiantly been the case now. So now the eternal question: Is it dumb to stay somewhere when you have the job you want waiting for you at home? Answer: Probably yes, but I do know this, staying here is NOT the easy decision but it seems like the right one for the moment. I truly believe I will end up back there or at least close to there soon enough, but I have been thinking of others and being practical for nearly 4 years now, it's time for some investment in me. I love my family to death and it's really really hard to be here without them (especially after such a short but strong reminder of how much I need them in the 9 months I was home) but what the heck, I'm taking vocal and piano lessons starting monday, my song writing has soared through the roof within the last week (nice to have inspiration to write positive songs) and I've been smiling so much my  cheeks are about to fall off.. Not those half assed smiles you give to people to tell them everything is ok.  I'm talking about the honest wide open smiles that brighten your day and everyone elses. And yeah, I realize it's way too early to be liking someone like this, but when things finally start the way their supposed to (slowly, and then jump starting with an unexpected and amazing kiss) isn't my responsibility to at the very least see this through? All I know is it's nice to know that my adoration for all those cheesy songs I love is validated now..... That is what I know for now, but I know going home would bring, and I know it would be good for me as far as friend and family go, but lets be honest, most of my friends have found their significant other and if significantly cuts into my guy time with them!!!!! lol, And plus if I stick it out here a few months I'll get my bills payed and get to see if this wonderful thing I'm in the middle of now turns into anything bigger...... Oh yeah, did I mention she's a singer (sucker for the musically inclined) and a good one at that. I harmonized last tuesday.... HARMONIZED, the thing I've been trying to do on my own for like the last 2 years, finally did it. The very worst this could bring is a more seasoned musician home with a bunch of songs ready for a CD. At 24, my dream isn't dead yet, in fact, I have a feeling it's experiencing a rather practical revival (I've been getting good reviews from very unbiased sources....... confidence is starting to come). But anyway, love all of you and I WILL be back soon enough.......

Chris

Oh myspace, sweet sweet myspace. I'm going to keep this short since give you more of my time then I should anyway. This is sooooooo hard, to live my life here, in this world, even if it has only been like 4-5 days like that. E-mails from friends and family have been good and fun (and whoda thought I'd find a good political counter-point in my search for parents in the area.... it's awesome to actually engage in conversation rather than run through the same dreary nonsense. I have never been an e-person though, I want to live outside of this box. At home it's easy, friends are everywhere and relationships have already been forged in child hood.... Is it possible to find someone close or at least some form of meaning in new friendships after we reach say, 21? I seriously have begun to wonder, if I'm stuck with only work relationships and "buddies" now down here. I know I've got my true friends at home, and I really wish I could get some down here too, but too often differences have led me to be unable to make it happen. I'm not lonely persay, but just not looking out on my 2nd tenure in florida with much hope. How can I go from having all the relationships I need to having only one (although it is the strongest and most important right now; with Jayden) and not even a friend around to have meaningful conversation with. It just seems like this area is only skin deep and that is something that I can never relate to....... eh, I have met a couple people so far that bounce that stereo type (and who am I to stereo type anyway, it probably is just me being negative that's making this a hard transition) It's just especially hard to find male friends, especially in the homo-phobic region I live in (yeah, I said it lol, people can have all the opinions that they want, but when you can't just go talk to another guy about sports or whatever without them thinking your gay, I think it classifies). So naturally my next outlet is girls... but down here they've been so used to only being talked to if a guy wants to get into their pants, that for the most part they just shut down and don't allow friendship to occur..... sigh. I hope I'm wrong and maybe I've just been looking in the wrong places. I'm going to church tommorow morning at the suggestion of a very smart and bright minded person, so hopefully we'll turn this ship around starting from the inside out....... Stay Tuned

The allure of the sunshine state has once again pulled me back into it's illusions once more. Things are going really well, even though nothing else is really going right, just for the simple fact that I am around my son all the time..... It has been a pleasure and an absolute joy to see him and be with him every night. I have however been using the "daddy Jayden" time to avoid the bigger issues at hand......

    Ever felt like your being left behind? Like by your peers, by your ex's, by life in general. I think that's the best wording to describe how I feel at this very moment. I have been spending the last three years going back and forth to whatever location my son was at, just trying to maintain that relationship to him that I knew/know is so vital to my life. In doing so, I would travel to different towns and see people anchored in their lives and making progress, real tangible progress. New apartments, nicer cars, onto houses and more and more and more. At first I cast this off as them just being more concerned about material things than me but then the doubts slowly began to surface. It isn't just the materials, it's the relationships and the friendships that they have that I miss soo much. I have been concentrating so hard on Jayden that I have missed out on being a young 20 year old and building toward the future (in other ways than my realtionship with him). And any single parent out there, have you ever felt bad for thinking like this, like your kid should be your only priority and to think otherwise is a terrible thing to do? I have had that nagging at me for a year or so now. But I have decided you do only go around once and I want to get out there and live, but to LIVE has taken on a completly different meaning for me. Months and months of turmoil have slowly but surely changed my lifestyle and direction.... Perhaps living isn't the night life, and all the troubles that come with it... Maybe living is taking a deep breathe, appreciating everything around you, and being thankful for what you have. I have become so accustomed to being dissapointed that I think the world has become a "glass half empty" kinda place. Never get your hopes up and you can't be hurt again. You know the kind, the kinda that wrenches at you, tears into your soul, makes you barely able to breath, or walk.....Now I think I have had these things happen to me to help me to develop a tough skin, become "more of a man" which has happened in the last year. But I also think I key part of my personality was always that I was always looking at the bright side, and always keeping things light with jokes, and just being comfortable with who I am. I can't definetly say I am not comfortable with myself on the inside at all, but I am striving to get there. The dissapointments will not stop, and I undoubtebly will hurt again, but I am there right now, clawing and scratching to get back to the surface of who I was when I was, say, 15.... bright and happy with the world at my fingertips. That isn't lost forever, I know this, I just need to be able to have someone help guide me back to the path that will get me there again. Now if this is a human or not I cannot decide, but it seems more and more that god keeps calling me....perhaps it's time I answer?

It's been a long time since I've written a blog and with good reason. I've been extremely busy working at the park and we have been understaffed (like to the point where other parks in the state that have half as many sites as we do have twice as many employees at them). Anyway, things have been going good though. Back home with one of my best friends has been the most effective medicine that I could ever ask for. I don't plan on leaving the north anytime soon, as I forgot what it really is like to be home, and feel that you're where your supposed to be. People act, live, and feel alot of the same things I do, it's a wonderful place. Ahhh, to be among liberals again... just kidding haha. No but really this is just been such a relief. I cannot even begin to speak of the fun we have had but hey, I know there's some people out there who want to know so.....

1) The goose hunt: We had some pesky geese on the beach and we had to get rid of them, we video taped a small portion of our adventures, including feeding them anti-freeze laced chips (forgive me) and attempting to kill them with a bow and arrow, but in the end it was some firecrackers at the right time that finally got rid of them (no we didn't kill them, we just scared them so bad they found a different lake).

2) The bat hunt: We had a nest of bats in the roof of our house apparently, or so we thought, and to date, we have had about 6 bats in the house at one time or another, I shoudln't really say hunting though, kyle does that. When I see them, I yell and run into the bathroom and lock the door and let him deal with it. I do the spiders and other gross insects, the flying rodent thing is a little out of my league. lol

3) The stairs: Sledding down our stairs has become a pass time, although our vehicle of choice is now broken, so we will have to put that on hold until we can do it right again.

4) The songs: ooh the funny songs we have written so far....

5) Brettles returns!!!: The return of brett was great, hadn't seen him in forever and it almost felt like we didn't miss a beat.

Though with all this fun comes one extremely sad thing, the reality of my situation in life regarding my son has finally come to a head and I'm realizing that this whole walking on water, 2 day a week thing is coming to an end quicker than I think. I may have to only see that little goober on vacations and summers, I don't know how I'm going to handle that. The one thing I do know right now is that I miss him terribly. Those goofy ears, cute smile, adorable eyes, and constant ability to annoy/love/laugh. I miss you Jayden, I miss you so much. I can't wait to see you when you get here. we've got a Junior Ranger shirt all ready to go for you and you and I are going to have some good times this summer :) Anyway, that's what's been happening. Hope all my friends down inthe panhandle are doing well. I'll be down to see you soon I hope. Anyway, I'll write more soon.

 

Chris

It was a cold spring night, the snow is melting slowly off the trees after a long harsh winter. I look outside, admiring the beauty I have for so long abandoned in my home. Everything is so beautiful even the melting ice has a beauty in that, it's time has passed and it now allows the "spring" to truly begin, and a new array of color will flourish and decorate the trees in only a few weeks time. God truly is great.... I return inside to my mother cooking a meal, preparing it for me, her, and my grandmother. I do not know the house I am in, but I do not care, it is calming to see her face and smell her food. The screen door creeks and my mom's face lights up with happiness. In through the door, walks my grandmother, a beautiful powerful woman, with a stature befitting that of a 1st generation sendoff of Britian. Beautiful and proud she comes into the room, dressed in humble attire, casual and...well and perfect for a woman like her. She had beaten death not long ago, fought off a heart failure in the middle of the night. She had been dead 2 minutes before the doctors could revive her. I heard of the close call by phone and I had come home from florida to do anything i could for the family (and to see her) and these moments had been amazing for me..   She shifted around the room, pacing back and forth never stopping...my mom kept asking what was wrong and she would reply "nothing dear, just keep cooking". We almost had the meal ready (which I think included yorkshire pudding, a treat of hers to be sure), when I heard a clunk. I looked back and she has stumbled into a table...embarassed and confused she just looked away from me and kept trying to walk. My mother went up to her and she asked her if she was okay... she kept saying she was fine. She looked like someone who had walked 10,000 miles, she was tired and needed sleep. I put my hand on her shoulder and suggested sleep and she furiously brushed it away.. "I don't need to sleep dear I'm fine" she said while never making eye contact with me. I couldn't help but note a sense of fear in her voice. She stumbled again and fell into my mom, I reached up with all my heart and repeated the desire to see her rest.. She began to tremble and cry and shake her head violently.....My mother nestled her head and I came in and gave her the strongest, more firm, supporting hug I could ever offer. Every ounce of love and strength I had came out in that embrace and tears came pouring from all three of us. "It's time to sleep, I love you" was all I could say, and I kept repeating it........she died in our arms that night, in a loving embrace of her two of her beloved. I'm sure a beautiful funeral followed and my uncle and I sang "somewhere over the rainbow" just like we did in real life..... I only wish that this dream was even close to true......

The reality is she died about a month and a half I believe after I had missed my last christmas with her. I told her I would see her soon by a short tempered phone call, and I was right, I just didn't think I'd be seeing a lifeless body next time we met. I was in florida when I got the call from my mother a trembling voice not unlike my gram's in my dream "Chris could you give me a call when you get this message, it's mom hunny, call me at grandma's" and a terrible feeling came over me. I was chasing money in a vacation state while my family was going through one of it's most painful moments. She wasn't just a grandmother to me, she and my mother raised me my whole life, she was my mother every bit as much as my mom was. Until age 5 I was theirs, and even after, no male figure ever came close to offering the support they did to me. I guess that's why I turned out a little more on the sensitive side lol, since they were both such big hearts, and I didn't have a connectable male role model to work with......that's for another day though.... anyway this dream this morning, powerful to be sure, was a huge wake up call for me. You see my grandmother had skipped, or bypassed, a neccesary part of life: in this case, death.....and she was torn, battered, and pacing in circles to avoid it. She did not want to slow down and rest, because she knew it would eventually overtake her. I have been the exact same way for 4 years now. Not stopping for a second, grabbing another double at work, throwing myself in the company of others, even if they aren't great friends, I make them out to be because they do things I like and pay attention, it masks the pain. I keep going, everyday, because I have the feeling in the back of my head that when and if I slow down, alot of things are going to catch up with me. I've slowed down recently and had a ton of things catch up with me. My lack of sensitivity to women in my life recently, my issues with both my fathers, and my grandmothers death are just the top three on the iceburg. I truly believe i was given this dream as a second chance to let her go....for one night, I was able to breathe her in, and take part in her trip back to god......heck I even got to send her off with a huge hug, my greatest of dreams.....my one true hope comes in the form that this dream itself was like a huge hug for me, one which I cried, and let some of my pain not neccesarily die, but pass at least through me. I woke up this morning crying furiously, trying to keep it down because I'm not staying in my own home right now (to everyone here, thank you for your genuine hospitality). My initial reaction was angry, why would I have to go through this, but slowly my thinking came around and I began to embrace the dream... Life is not to be lived at face value, a lesson that's been burned into my head time and time again in the recent weeks. Money has lost it's importance in my life, and I think that's a huge step, but not the entire process. I take complete solace in the fact that my grandmother did die in my arms in my dream, but in that, she also found peace...... An eternal peace, something we all try to find through every single temporary high available, only to fail again and again. Some people may cast me off as negative, while others will say I think too much, but these things are what life is about for me... to find out why each breath is so beautiful, why the air gives us life to begin with. We were not put here to just mill around and decay and die. Although when you work at a job where your primary purpose is simply to feed vacation goers who are doing that very thing, it's a little alarming and dissapointing. I've been praying everynight and I think god finally answered my prayers and I am so greatful. I see new sides of people everyday, and new beauty in them, as well as weaknesses and strengths. I'm not self-righteous, I do not claim to have all the answers, all I ask is that people understand I am taking a journey to uncover those answers, and it's a slow process but I am making some headway :). My prayers focus on two individuals specifically (but include many more) both friends, at least I hope, one male whome I've known forever, and one female who I've known a short time..... they both are leading my grandmothers pattern, running around, covering up pain, not showing the real people they are.....only to me, through eye contact and careful searching can the weakness and true beauty of both of them be exposed. They seemingly don't want to slow down because things will catch up with them, that is not obvious to them, as they both think that this is best for them, and what hurts the most, is I haven't been the best friend to either of them. I too got caught in this game of shallow living, and it hurts soo much to see it. There is no self medicating on a level above (changing of the body, alteration of the percieved mind) that will work. Believe me, both me and him worked out changed our bodies, made ourselves more "appealing" but it came up empty. Drugs, came up empty.... diet for him, came up empty. Alcohol, came up empty. I just pray that they will, and people in the same boat, will see the real issues at hand and stop trying to cover up things, even I do it still as i mentor my brother and guide him to not make the same mistakes I have, it is a good thing to be sure, but it doesn't deal with the issues or mistakes I have made, it simply covers them. Sigh, I don't know, I guess my heart just bleeds a little too much, is a little too big. I wish I didn't care so much. I annoy both of them because I challenge them with bigger ideas, and pictures, and they brush me away. They go to friends that don't offer that uncomfortableness, just people who like how they are now, but don't care about them, they're hardly even friends (because what is a friend if they don't reveal and help you, often times friendships are more negative than they are positive for quite a while, becuase so much adjusting and learning is going on. So I lash out with anger (in both cases) because I felt abandoned. I have apologized to both since, one has taken me back (although a lifetime of friendship is easier to heal a wound then two months) and the other....well the other has a light in her that if she would find it in herself to show the world, she could be an amazing woman. She thinks I hate her but it's not true, I hate what she has reduced herself to. But seemingly she's happy, so who am I to meddle right?  She could be so much more, maybe now just isnt the time. I'll keep praying and standing right where I am.   But I pray that they both find themselves and their peace, may calm and rest come over them. I have made the reference to a person being "as calming as a prayer" and I can only pray that power, that presence, can be let out, and not used in a negative self-indulging way.....god I pray that everyone find their issues, and embrace them, because that's what makes each of us individuals and beautiful, is the ability to get through these things and not just walk away or leave behind haunting memories. I am thankful to have come to this point, and I pray that this whole blog does not seem self-serving because it is not intended that way. I hope that you the reader simply get a sense of relief from this, because I have, and again, I do not have all the answers, these are just my opinions and some purely beliefs...but I figured sharing would be good anyway, ignore any prominant tones of "this is how it is" because that's a weakness of mine, I tend to lecture more than speak, and I'm working on that, but this was meant as a conversatoin, not as a lecture, so take it in that way.......... Back to bed for a couple hours before work... Good morning everybody, god bless you, and have a great day.......

 This is going to be harder and harder since the initial "source" of my new found need for faith is now nothing more than water under the bridge.....May I keep this same lifestyle and proud relationship with you up even though I am feeling great and amazing, I hope I continue to lean on you through the good as well as the bad. That's the hardest part. You're always here through the bad and we usually drop you like a bad habit, or at least water down our relationship until things get bad again....Not me, not this time. I Pray you continue to work in my life everyday and I will continue to seek you out father... You truly are amazing, I am so grateful for your love.....I pray that those around me who have "nibbled" on your love, might grasp it even stronger....I know how hard it is after years of faith to "keep the fire burning" but it is such a privelidge and glorious relationship to you god. You are without a doubt, amazing......Thank you for being there everyday and blessing me and my son and Shara with this relationship that never seems to break, no matter what the circumstance. Thank you for bringing my standards and morals back to the frontline, even in the face of sin.... You are the single most amazing thing lord, I hope that many more come to find you in the passing weeks before I leave this place. May your plan for me become apparent and I lead a life in your footsteps (well as best I can anyway). Through out anymore outbursts or attempts to derail me with anger or sadness, may you guide me through. Last night was a breakthrough, as has been everyday this week. Thank you god for your grace.  Thank you for everything..... and Good Morning.