do you ever become so conscious of your sin that it makes you absolutely sick? you try so hard to do right and day after day you can't. i hate being negative. i hate it when i say something mean about someone behind their back. i hate looking in mirrors and caring more than i should about what's on the surface and not what's internal. i hate that i want to buy useless things like better clothes and more cd's; things that will help me pursue a leisurely and comfortable lifestyle. i hate loving myself and forgetting to love someone else. and i hate even sinning when at times i think i'm exempt from all this because God makes me aware of it, when really i fall just as hard as anyone. we have trouble resting in the comfort of God because we try to take control. this only makes us tense and anxious for the things we need (which are quite few) and the many things we wish we could have or could change. i keep striving to take on his righteousness, but the more i try the more i find i'm a sinner and any goodness can only come from him and not in my small efforts to try and be good for him.

"But if you love me, you will keep my commandments."

 this life is full of pain and disappointment because we long for something that nothing we put our hands on will satisfy. but God is constant and lets us come to him. we can be forgiven for every bad deed, and he will give us his continual strength to be sustained when things are crappy. he will make us into something better when we decide to come follow him.