I was looking through my blog entries from about a year ago. Just to remember what I wrote about Frog and to try to get in contact with some friends I've been less than attentive to. I found this quote in one of my blog entries from almost a year ago:

I've noticed that the bad things that happen in my life seem to have been happening in yearly intervals at around Christmas. Winter seems to bring out the worst in my life. It's really horrible. Last Christmas, Kirk and I split. This Christmas, Chris is gone. Christmas has turned into somewhat of a non-event for me in recent years.

It was in November that Mike left me. I've been miserable since then. I always seem to be absolutely miserable around this time of year. I hate the winter. I hate snow. And I hate what happens to me this time of year in my life. The last happiness I remember around this time was the New Years party for '05/'06. Maybe that's why I've been thinking about it...

Just as an editing note, I've caught up on adding links to people's names in my blog. I try to add a link to anyone's name that I have a page for or a picture of so people who read my blog know who I am talking about in it. I try to link the first mention of anyone's name in each entry. If you see a name that isn't linked, even if it's your own, get in touch with me so I can link it. If you've read my blog lately, try reading it again. With the new links, it might be more interesting to know the people I mention.

Everything in life seems to be moving along at a snail's pace. It's almost as bad as when I didn't have a job, except now I have a job and I still have no disposable income. I work full time and bring home at most $200 a week. It's so wrong. So very wrong.

I looked at some old pictures of the new years party for 2005 and it made me miss alot of people. Including Frog (adam). I miss him alot and think on how he's doing and how things could have been.

I haven't had much luck saving for another car. 95% of my check per week now goes into gas and maintenance on Matilda and into my Cell phone. That doesn't include the chunk taken out for taxes and my health insurance. I'm ALMOST sorry I signed up for health insurance. It costs something on the order of $35 to $40 a week zapped out of my paycheck.

I spent a whole $11 on myself this last week from my paycheck: I bought a few songs on iTunes. All the rest went into living expenses. If anyone has some money-saving ideas, let me know. Or if you have any decent jobs I could be hired into, please get a hold of me.

Strangely, I saw James' profile on Myspace online today. Is he getting online? I don't know. He didn't send me a message of any kind. I was dissapointed if that was really him. I'm so terribly worried.

Nothing new in love. No one seems to want to come after me. That's ok. Just gives me time to work out, eat better, and work twords a newer car and a place to call my own. But on the other hand I'm so very lonely... Adam hasn't found time to see me yet, if he's even still interested in me. But we've talked a bit along the way.

I miss all my friends that used to be closer to me. Not one person comments or anything on here any more. Mike still won't talk to me. Tony still has me blocked. Howie has been silent. I've spent time with Aaron and Kuala. Ron is in Florida. All my friends are pretty much busy or gone. What now? I'm beginning to really yearn for the past. To re-live things and do it right... why am I alone?

 

I'm up at 2am thinking... I tend to do this alot. I've been thinking alot about my romantic situation, my situation with my friends, and my goals in life. Let's start with my romantic situation.

Adam is a friend of Ron's that I met at a party that he tried to throw. He's absolutely fascinating. He's been a follower of Wicca for years. This has given him a maturity I've not seen often. He is able to almost completely repress what I call "vibes", little clues expressed through body language, conversation, or other intangible ways. I can't read a thing off him. He has implied to me that he is interested in me in a romantic way, but his habit of being almost completely enigmatic in order to test the people he meets is extremely frustrating to me.

I'm an extremely open person. My "vibes" fly off of me like radiation from plutonium. I have become reliant on these vibes to dictate how I act around certain people. To predict their moods and emotional responses to me. I use vibes in order for me to decide whether to trust someone. To tell if they are lying. I use the vibes people radiate to be able to be receptive to their needs and wants. To be able to be a good friend to them. But with Adam, I am completely blind. I have no idea what his moods and reactions are. I have no clue whether he is being truthful to me or not. I have no idea how to best be a friend to him; how to fulfill his needs. And the worst part is that he somewhat prides himself on this ability to confound me.

Let's clarify one thing; I tust Adam. Although I have no obvious clues to his truthfulness, I sense absolutely no malice. He's not out to hurt me. But I'm not sure how close he wants to be to me either. I worry he may find me boring. I worry I may smother him. I worry that he may hurt me without meaning it. Without his vibes, I'm having an extremely difficult time directing how hard I push him, how close I try to get, and how often I contact him.

Almost in order for me to feel better about the whole thing, I've been completely open with Adam. I've told him how I feel and what my goals are. I've tried to let him in in order for him to be able to trust me. I've let him know with no doubt that I care for him and would like to be with him romantically. But there has been no response. No vibes. No conversation. The only thing I know for sure is that he still has feelings for someone else.

I know this other person, and I've talked to him about Adam and I. I've also assured him that I won't get in the way of him and Adam and that he has my support in some tough times that he's going through right now. I'm jealous of this person, no doubt. I'm a jealous kind of guy. But it's mild jealousy. As long as Adam is happy, I wouldn't dare intrude.

No word from James. I'm officially very very worried. It's been over a month if memory serves. It's unusual for James to go more than a month without contact. I sent him an email the other day with a current picture of myself. I hope he's ok.

I hope to go see Aaron and Kuala tomorrow. Their baby, Kael, is a gorgeous baby boy. I haven't seen him in person yet. They've invited me over tomorrow. But I don't know if I can afford the gas. I've been extremely low on funds even though I've been working. $7 an hour doesn't go very far especially when your paying for health benefits too. It's been all I can do to Drive to Muskegon once a week to see Ron and Adam.

Speaking of Ron, he's in florida tonight. He aparently got a job to model. Go figure. He insists it's legit. I think he's being jipped somehow. But they paid for his plane ticket... We'll see how that goes... I'm over Ron. I still care for him, of course, but I've found that he tends to use people around him without even realising it. He justifies himself in what he does and moves on to the next person that he can get some benefit from. Despite all that, I hope he's not walking into something harmful. I get bad vibes from his situation...

Please leave comments and send me messages. I'll be back here to spill my guts again soon.

DISMISSED!

Well, I've given up on Ron. He decided to date another guy instead of me. I'm convinced he's dating the guy for what the guy can do for him. Plus Ron got angry and said that he didn't date me because of my look. The person he's dating has more means than I do. I think he said the guy's name is JD.

This isn't really a shocker. Ron was luke-warm with me from the start. All of his friends warned me this would happen. I should have listened to them. I would call this a life lesson, but shouldn't I have learned this lesson by now?

Several other people are interested in me. But my interest in them varies. None of them strike me as a perfect match. In fact, none of them strike me at all. I've been hoping for someone to strike me like Ron did. All well.

I've decided to quit my active search for a lover. If someone wants me, they'll try and get me. It's true, I feel a deep need in me for companionsip. And I am extremely lonely. But I'm by no means desperate. Besides, so far, all this search has caused is more heartache, judging from Ron. So all you potential lovers, take heed: If you want me, your going to have to come to me. I'm done chasing people only to be hurt. If you want to see me, you plan it. If you want to date me, you make the first move. I'm done.

I'm afraid I'm turning into the person Madonna is singing to in the lyrics "You only see what your eyes want to see! How can life be what you want it to be? Your frozen when your heart's not open!" I'm terrified I'm closing my heart now. All this hurt is getting to me. I can feel it. It's changing who I am. I used to be so open and welcoming... I'm afraid that I feel that going away. What do they call it? Jaded? I'm worried that When the right one does come along, I'll be so doubtful that I'll let him pass by...

God help me... I'm in so much turmoil...

Lately, on my days off, I've been spending most of my time with Ron. I've decided that that's come to an end for now. I like Ron. But if he's not interested in a relationship from me, I can't let him be top priority. He's going to have to stand in line like any of my other friends.

One of Ron's Friends, Adam, seems to be at least mildly interested in me. Recently, at a party that was at "mom's" house Ron did something that really scared me while I was drunk. I started to sob. Ron just walked away. But Adam came to see me and comforted me through the ordeal. It was very sweet. We later expressed interest in eachother and are kinda keeping it on the back burner until we can meet and sort out whether we are compatible or anything.

I'm trying hard not to let any kind of relationship take the wheel of my life right now. I'd be more than happy to fall into one, but I can't focus on it with everything I need to do to improve myself.

I've been feeling extremely lonely lately, though. Any attention I've gotten in the last few days has been welcome attention. And with all the new found friends surrounding Ron, I've been busy talking almost every day. It's been good for my self esteem and has dulled the lonliness left by Mike.

Although, God knows, even with the blackout in communications that Mike has ordered, I still miss him badly. If he thought this would separate me from him emotionally, he was extremely mistaken. I think it was more so he could focus on his new boyfriend. I hope he's happy. He made me really unhappy to get what he has.

We have a new supervisor at work. So far, I don't like her so much. She seems capable, but also rather cold. Not warm at all socially. Not at all approachable. I hope she warms up to me.

Fernando and I got into somewhat of a fight yesterday because he was being very demanding of me. We've worked it out mostely, but I'm not sure if our friendship can handle too much more. He's a good guy and has good advice. But our personalities and values are so incompatible...

 

Alot has happened since my last post. Mike has abandoned me, I've met the cute guy from the club, Ron. And in general, I'm lonely. Let's get into a few details.

About a week or so ago, Mike decided not to talk to me at all any more. He says it was a mutual decision by him and his boyfriend. I say bullshit. He promised to be friends with me for as long as I wanted. He didn't want to break that promise. I think his boyfriend pressured him into it. Therefore, Nate has lost ALOT of standing with me.

I'm angry about it, but mostely, I'm hurt that I'm not worth it to Mike to even talk to me. A year gone. Wasted on someone who not only broke every promise he ever made to me, but made me feel like the slime of the earth in the process. And the really sad part? I still care for him. How pathetic am I?

I finally met the guy I talked about from the club. His name is Ron. I like him alot. We have alot of values in common. He doesn't do drugs and doesn't want to. He doesn't smoke and doesn't like it when people do it around him. He has a mostely optimistic view on life and has goals set for himself. The problem is that I'm not sure if he's interested in me.

Mostely, I think that Ron is rightly focused on his greater goals in life rather than on finding a relationship. It's admirable, really. And he's more than interested in being friends with me. But I wonder if it's because of me, or my means. I have a car and he doesn't. Maybe I'm being paranoid after being hurst so much. Either way, I'm going to step back from him and see if things develop. But that last sentance sounds ALOT like one I used when I met Chris, doesn't it?

Meanwhile, all of Ron's friends seem to love me. He knows a woman he calls "mom" because she's somewhat taken a motherly role with him. His own mother abandoned him. His parents apparently did drugs since before he was born. It's amazing he's not more messed up than he is emotianally. He's a fighter. I admire his strength.

"mom" apparently took stock of me and has decided I'm very mature. She likes me. And she already seems to be trying to look out for me. There is one down side to Ron, though. Almost all of his friends have warned me that he's emotionally inmature. All the better reason to distance myself and see what he does. I like him. I want to be there for him. But no longer am I the blind guardian angel, walking into potentially hurtful situations of my own free will.

 

I warned you my emotions are a roller coaster...

Emo. I had never really thought of the word before... I knew it illustrated a lifestyle... or at least a fad of some kind. Then someone explained it to me. From what I understand, it is someone who is depressed and complains about it. It can be a good and bad thing, but can be used as a derogatory term.

I have been Emo.

I'm trying really hard to shake it. It depresses me and the people around me. But it is so hard to struggle with the hurt inside me. I met a new friend today. His name is Ricky. I must admit with quite a bit of embarassment that he's rather taken with me. But he and I had a long talk today about my past and my possible future. Like me, he used to hold pretty much the same positive outlook on life that I have. But he lost it. People hurt him and hurt him. Lovers abandoned him, customers at work were often rude. He told me he got to the point where he is now. Jaded and numb.

I've tried so hard not to be jaded. It is important to my self image to be open and welcoming along with being dignified and calm. But with hurt after hurt in my life right now, I find myself completely shut off. It's the first time in my life that I've felt this way. Like Ricky, I've shut the doors to my heart without even knowing it. I've been downright rude to Mike, (although, mind you, he hasn't been the best of friends lately), I've been snippy and impatient with well wishing friends, I've even been downright furious with family. Tonight, I realised that my heart is closed too. Ricky is a sweetheart, alot like Howie. But I can't let him in.

I hold friends very closely when I can. Even if we don't talk all the time, I try to be reliable to them and hope that I can rely on them when need be. And I just can't let Ricky into that inner circle. I can't trust him. I'm too critical of him. Same goes for most anyone I've met recently. Even the cute guy that got my number at the bar has responded to me. Will I act the same way with him? I'm terrified that I'm going to turn these new, valuable people away without a thought. I can't trust them.

What's worse, the people I trust the most in my life are people that probably don't deserve that honor. I completely trust Howie, Chris, and Brandon. I trust Aaron, Kuala, and even somewhat trust Fernando. Why do I trust an ex and his boyfriend more than someone smitton over me? Why do I long so terribly badly to cling to distant friends like Brandon and Chris, or friends with enough of their own problems like Aaron and Kuala? Why do I trust an alienated friend like Howie that quite frankly doesn't trust me? I don't understand myself today. My trust and love are completely misplaced.

But what can I do? I genuinely love Chris. Always have. For me, Chris was the closest I've come to love at first sight. I fell fast and hard for him. I trusted him and still do. He's let me down, but never intentionally. He's always had the best of intentions for me, even if his decisions were misguided. He is nurturing and gentle and kind and attractive. And I love him.

And Brandon has slowly earned himself a place at the very top of my friends list. He might have Chris' heart now, but he's not jealous enough to keep it all to himself. Neither is he afraid to share of himself. He even told me the other day that he "genuinely cares" about me. He expresses his concern and support for me like no one else I know besides James. He's not afraid to show affection for me and approves of my affection for Chris. I love him for that. I actually love him in that strange way I do that makes a person a part of me.

Howie has been astranged since a few months before Mike broke up with me. Quite frankly, I abandoned him. He loved me. He proved it. He told me he needed me. But because of my love for Chris and then my love for Mike, I couldn't let him in. And still he remained. I regret with every fiber of my being not giving Howie a better chance at my heart. He deserved it more than Chris and Mike combined. He was generous and caring and gentle, kind, welcoming, emotional.... everything I want in a person. But I turned him away. Out of misplaced loyalty to Chris, then loyalty to Mike, I abandoned Howie and let our friendship rot away. I'm sorry, Howie...

Aaron is still one of the best friends of my life. If he wasn't straight as an arrow, and engaged to Kuala, I'd date him. He's like bedrock. Grounded, strong, and reletively unmoving. But he's so very warm, goofy and giving. He shows me a friendly kind of love that is priceless. It is so deep it's as strong as romantic love. A genuine concern and mutual understanding I've never had with another friend. I love him.

What can I do? I'm so confused! My mom would have me stay here at the house, save money for a car or even a house. It's a great idea, right? But at $7 an hour, money doesn't pile up fast, and quite frankly, I'm not willing to put life on hold while I wait for my bank account  to fill up. My mom has also urged me not to become romantically involved. She may be right. But there is this gigantic hole in me right now. No one has been able to fill it.

It's pittiful and weak, but I'm in need. I hurt so much. I'm in such a dark emotional place. I cry every day. I hurt over my past so badly. How things could have been with Chris. How things could have been with Howie. How things could have been with Mike... and when I look forward, I see nothing.  No plans I try to make have any meaning or motivation. Family tells me to build myself up in order to find the right person for me. But why build myself up when no one loves me? So that they can love me for my means?

Every day is emotional torture for me. Every single day. How can I bear this pain long enough to build myself up? I can't do this alone. I've never needed anyone in my life, even when I left Kirk, I was OK with it. But now I'm a wreck. I have nothing left to give. I can't open my heart. I can't fill this hole in my heart. And every day with it's small joys and comforts is nothing compared to the pain I feel.

I hurt so badly. So terribly badly that the people I love like Mike and Chris and Kirk and whoever else, are capable of hurting me with next to no remourse. They love me sure enough for a while. But when they stop, they move on without a lost step, while I fall all over myself. With the exception of Kirk, why am I always the one willing to work things out only to be rejected outright with no good explanation. Why am I the one hurting for months while they go play with their new lovers? Why can I not forget my past loves like they forget me? Why do I love unconditionally and forever while they love at convienience and sluff it off at will? I still love Kirk for Christ's sake!!! I left him YEARS ago! And he wasn't even the one who left ME! I left HIM!

I feel deja vu. I have the same lost feeling I did when Chris left for Canada. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know how to act. Everyone is more than willing to give me advice, but no one can give me a way to end the pain. Even when Mike started going out with me, I was talking about Chris for months. I'm sure Mike will have the same dubious honor someday.

If your James, get your crippled butt on the phone, mister! I'm really worried! (Don't worry, people, James and I have a playful rapport)

If your a friend of mine, try to do something with me. Or at least send me a comment or email or something. It dulls the pain.

If your Mike, Chris, Kirk, Howie, or even Brandon, try to find it in your heart to talk to me. Let's mend some fences. I admit, I've done you wrong. Let's see if love REALLY heals all...

Well, I went to the club tonight. It's about time I did, I suppose. I randomly met some friends there and had a darn good time. I even met a pretty cute guy and got a number. I don't expect anything from it, but the experience did get a few things straight in my head. I AM cute. I AM desirable. And although I can't dance that well, I AM smart. And sometime soon, one of these guys better get some brains and go out with me, or soon they won't get the chance.

I originally went to the club alone, hoping at best to at least be able to say I went somewhere. But once I got there, fortune was on my side. Friends of mine noticed me and came over to say hi. I hung with them most of the night, dancing and kareoke (did I spell that right?) and a drink or two... I showed them a picture of Mike and caught them up on my rather sad love life... Later, while my friends were busy, I went by myself to the dance floor.

Anyone who knows me knows that my self esteem isn't the greatest and my shyness to new people is legendary. But I got on the dance floor anyway and stumbled out a few moves. When I was tired, I went to the stools nearby and saw a guy, standing looking longingly at the dance floor. Once again, I forced myself out of my comfort bubble and tapped him on the shoulder and broke the ice.

I asked him why he wasn't dancing and he explained to me that he had come with an ex that was trying to win him back. But he really wasn't interested since his ex had lied and gotten himself  put in jail. We bounced the philosophy of honesty off of one another and became rather instant friends. Of course, me being me, I flirted a bit. And I stepped away when appropriate (like when his ex decided to show up finally and dance with the poor boy). After dancing with his ex while his ex stared at a cell phone on the dance floor the entire time, the guy asked me for my number. We exchanged numbers the best we could and I kept the guy company while his ex was busying himself with other things.

Eventually I got pretty tired and excused myself just in time for his ex to show up and make the guy very uncomfortable. I said my goodbyes and left. It was a good night. It could have been better, but it was good. I think that a good trip to the club was just what I needed to remind myself that I'm worth something to someone, even if I barely know that person yet. It also kind of struck me later about how kind I was to this stranger. I had forgotten how nice I am. It kind of sounds conceited, but I had forgotten that I could be a nice guy. I had forgotten during the brutal break up Mike gave me that I was a caring, gentle, likeable guy. I was so busy having my heart ripped to shreds and being made a last priority by others that I didn't realise what I was capable of any more. What my strengths were.

I think now I'm piecing back together my identity. I'm remembering who I am, what I'm good at, and why people like me. I'm polishing up the parts of me that Mike likely fell in love with and I'm teaching myself how to show them off. Mike is definately the one who lost in his decision to leave me. Of this, I am now confident. Just letting you know, Kirk, Chris, Howie, and Mike... you had a good thing. You threw it away. And now that good thing is fair game...

I still haven't heard from James and I'm definatley worried. I asked him to call me a couple of times, but he hasn't as far as I know... I hope like crazy he's ok, but I find myself bracing for the worst. I miss James, I hope that he's ok, and I hope I hear his dashing British accent again very soon...

No word from Mike over the holidays. No suprise, really. I haven't tried to contact him. I figure if he wants his space, here's an ocean of space for him... I'm sure he won't be happy with the space he gets... Mike has to learn that the grass isn't always greener on the  other side of the fence... What you have could be just as good or better than what you pine after...I wish he realised what a good thing I am. Maybe I need to be reminded of how good I am sometimes too.

I wonder like heck on how Kirk is doing. I don't even know if he's still in the state. But I had a dream about him the other day among the dreams of Mike, and it made me wonder. That and the fact that at my work, we're serving Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee now. I figured Kirk would be the authority on the authenticity of that coffee...

My health is improving. My face has cleared, my finger is no longer swollen or infected, and my mood has improved slightly. Unfortunately, you know me, my mood can be quite a roller coaster depending on what happens during a given day.

I can't wait until Tuesday, my next day off. I hope to make some plans for that day too! I continually need love. If you love me, let me know it, people!

DISMISSED!

You know, now even I think I'm getting pathetic. I still can't shake this depressed mood. I've been trying to meet new people left and right for about two weeks now. So far, not a lot of luck, but I'm still reaching out. It's been my experience that I never get over one relationship unless there is at least a hope of a new one.

My finger is still being an infected weirdo. But I'm trying to take care of it. I might go to an ugent care place if it doesn't improve. I lost contact with Chaz. I guess our plans are scrapped. I haven't heard from James, although I've asked him to call.

Mike blew up my computer I loaned him. I got a new fan to replace the one he blew up. I'll install it after Christmas if he deserves it. Otherwise, I just may take the damned computer back and forget it. Mike's been so distant and unrepentant, I don't know if I want to even be his friend right now. He's excluded me from every part of his life. I'm sure I'm just being pig headed or something. I'll feel better after the Holidays, I bet.

It's extremely strange how Chris, his new boyfriend Brandon, and I are such good friends and Mike and I can barely talk. Mike keeps making Chris look better and better. I never expected this from Mike.

I worry about James. Alot. And I kick myself in the butt daily from not taking him up on his offer to fly me out to see him. I'm so worried about him. Last week during work at about 4 in the morning, suddenly I get the British National Anthem stuck in my head for no good reason. I knew James was thinking of me. Damn Brit... I wish I could send him flowers for Christmas. The card would say; "Thinking about you and wishing you fast recovery and a warm Christmas. -The Yankee"

In case I haven't made it obvious, I need love. Supply it. That's an order.

DISMISSED!