So I just picked up my medication and I read all the list of side effects. I am fucking scared.

Should I do this? Will one little pill become the foundation of my exsistence? Will I become all the things that I hate. Dependent, needy, monotonous, dreary...different?

Will this tiny pill steal my soul?

Well the countdown begins for my tattoo. I look at my arm, the brown skin the two moles or freckles that lie diagonal to each other, the scar that bisects it...this skin (these moles freckles scars) have seen the sun of the west indies, has seen the cold blustery Albertan winter, have seen the pavement from a launched skateboard, has rested lovingly around the crook of a friends/parents/boyfriends/family members neck, has wiped away my drool, the lipstick off of a loved one, has sopped away my tears, that trickeled down it's smooth surface to the soft cotton fibers of my pillow.

So skin I stare and compare both arms...it's like one of the olsen sisters getting plastic surgery I guess...I wonder what many things this picture that I plan on etching onto my skin for life, that is a new part of me, shall witness, partake of, face, brave, be shunned because of, and all those wonderful things that life throws my way.

Pretend that I have no expectations.

It is weird when things are shitty something beautiful and poignant comes along and puts things into perspective. I read this really wonderful memo that my good friend sent me during work and actually posted it on my "bulletins". This moved me to create a list of "Never again will I...". Here is what I came up with.

Never again will I settle for someone who only feels half the emotions that I do.

Never again will I live outside of the moment.

Never again will I settle for being second best.

Never again will I fix someone only to have the new and improved them taken away by someone else.

Never again will I enter a relationship if it is not fun first.

Never again will I tell untruths, manipulate, and force a situation, if it is not meant to be then it is simply not meant to be.

Never again will I take bullshit.

Never again will I date someone if my heart does not melt first.

Never again will I rely on someone for my esteems well being.

Never again will I take a beautiful moment for granted because in an instant it is gone and you can never get it back

...I guess that I will keep adding. And if anyone reads this blog and can think of a "Never again will I..." then by all means, put it down. It might help me or someone else.

So I heard your name and my heart jolted, stopped and then resumed its beating with a painful thud. Relief. Mild panic. Thankful that it started again but in that same very moment cursing underneath my breath that it did not stop.

My stomach heaved and I felt slightly naseous.

I thought that I was getting over this.

I hope that it was merely indigestion

I have even thought about going back "on" my prozac, until I read a news release saying that all prozac was being recalled. What? Fuck being in Alberta they are even perscribing me shady meds.

I am usually a firm believer in the fact that humans feeling too much is not a disease, but I'm getting to the point where I can barely stand the thought of human company. I don't want to be near close friends. I think daily about cutting off connections with the people that I KNOW I care about. I just force myself to smile and hang out and make regular conversation.

I am trying hard not to reach for the bottom drawer but each passing shit storm...

Why is everything hitting me so hard?

I went on Ragga Jungle and saw this and it made me want to cry. It was written by Babylon Demolitionist an awesome awesome guy.

That's pretty punk rock.

Lo Key definitely made some bad ass choons. Same with Double O. Who the hell is Celestial Conspiracy? Axel is in Denver doin his thing. He must not have access to a computer or maybe he just hates all of us. The one Audio Uno is still around you can bet. Old friend of mine since before we were really into jungle. We used to chat about pure hip hop and tings. I see Mayday and Transcendz on MSN all the time. I miss Donna Dada. That is all.

It's weird the people that miss you. It's also wierd that I try to cling to the  one positive thing in my day while I struggle to not get swept up in the raging tide.

So she decided to come back.

What a waste of time. The constant pep talks, shouldering his depression, she decides to take HIM back and he just says it in an off hand manner "Sorry" sorry for what? Was there something here that I was unaware of?

I am just upset that you spend time helping people and it proves to be nothing more than a waste. It has proved to be a constant with me...boys...girls...even a dog that refused to roll over. WASTES OF TIME. Where is the satisfaction?

"You've helped a person become a better soul." Well sir that is because they have ripped a piece of mine out of my fucking chest!

I signed up for yoga.

I took my turntables back to be fixed (1 hour a day of practice at least)

I am budgeting for a drum set and the lessons to go along with it.

Booked my tattoo appointments and scooped out the artists whose work around Canada I really love.

I am looking into kickboxing.

I signed up for the gym.

I elimintated dairy.

I eliminated YOU.

If for any reason at all you beleive that I am talking about you because you have proved to be nothing more than an emotional parasite well then clap yourself on the fucking back. After 27 years I have finally turned sourly bitter (of course this might all dissapate by tomorrow amidst a swirl of soft black cashmere and Italian Sodas).