Seattle oh how I really love the. Gorgeous, magnificent, and green. But outside of all your splendor you do hide a dark side. A side of unfriendliness that I can not quite put my finger on. Yes the people are are friendly, they are helpful and are caring. But try to make friends here? Well honestly it is easier to eat a whole onion and gag on it than do that here.

I have yet to figure out what is it though. They and I mean everyone all say the same thing. I want to hang out with you sometime. But when you both have days you can they sorta disappear or say my other friends came over or called and off they flutter to those friends.As if you and said person had no real connection. It has happened more than once to me by more than one person.

All in all it has me completely be-fuddled. I am a outgoing, charismatic and fun person to be around. I make people laugh, I enjoy a myriad of activities that cover most sociable discussions but no matter what all I have in friends are my boyfriend and my room mate. That is it. Whom I moved here with. Even at work where I know around 50 people I hang out with zero of them.

But that is where I do have an answer. They have the eight month rule. Where if you last 8 months you can get into the group. But if your cool and fun its six months. Honestly I do not know where I fall into this and personally I can care less. It is as if this town is set in a 1980's high school drama where you have to prove yourself over and over to get in with that certain crowd.

Honestly I am not one to play that so here I sit writing about life and well I have nothing much to say because my life is now in a video game when I am not at work. Yes folks I live in World of Warcraft which in all honestly is tedious, fun and sometimes more like work than anything. But at least there in a virtual world I have friends that care, that talk to me and are fun to be around even if they are polygonal sprites on a screen and a voice through a voice chat.

I still have that personable and real connection everyone needs. I just hope one day that when all is said and done. I might have real life friends outside of my boyfriend and room mate. So begins the tedium that is my life in Seattle.

Michelle

First off I want to say that it was never my true feeling to stop posting videos on Youtube or to stop writing here on MySpace. It all sorta got lost in my move, work and the fact that Wrath of the Lich King came out on PC. Yes I play World of Warcraft. Any who here is my hopefully not long update.

Seattle oh the tedious fun it is. Five months and zero new friends. When I heard the Phrase "Seattle is a friendly city to visit and a cold place to live." I never knew what that meant till I lived here for awhle. People are sweet to your face but are completely un-willing to make friends with you. As if you are an outsider trying to get into their inner-circles and if you want in you have to prove yourself.

Honestly, I am not about that. That was what you did in High School and College not in the real world. So that backwards thinking has kept me at home playing games and enjoying a life of solitude and enjoyment with my boyfriend and best friend Dana. We are all each other have and we are a little family. But not all has been super hunky dory.

For starters. I landed a job at a local Super Market (Fred Meyer) in the Seafood Department. I really thought the job was tediously boring and not for me till the weekend of Dec. 8th when something catastraphic happened to me. In one sheer movement of a 50lb box shifting and my stupidity to not let hit the floor my life changed with a sudden pop and instant pain in my right shoulder.

Yes you read that right. I have messed up my right shoulder. What was orginally diagnosed as a Strain Rotator Cuff has now been switched to a ripped up AC Joint in my shoulder or well something to that affect. I will just say I have ripped up my labrum and my Cartlige in my right shoulder. It has been 3 months of pain nearly going on 4 and I look to be having surgery come April. Which is not the most pleasant thought.

Especially hearing that I have an 80% of not getting back full mobilty and possibly up to 90% because of the severity of it. Which just means alot of trouble, partial dissability and maybe free schooling as Fred Meyer pays to have me retrained because I won't be able to do anything in a retail store again.

Yea.. That is all I have to say honestly. I will try and do more blogs as I wait for my PC to get out of the Shop so I can start doing videos again. Till then hope all of you are doing good.

Michelle

After seeing so many people respond to my last blog I thought I should write a new one. Honestly in April I had given up writing for the Video Realm on YouTube. The link will be at the bottom if you want to head there after this or head now if you want.

But even that page has taken a back seat as of late. Since I have moved and gotten away from the Doldrums of San Antonio my life has taken on a new meaning. One of purpose and re-newel one of hope and finally succeeding at a dream of mine since I was a child that is to be A) Famous or B) Open a restaurant which truthfully is a Hell of easier than trying to be Famous and no the Internet does not count.

Mainly because I am not making money at it. Granted I could shoot for a sponser account on YouTube but my views are so low that its pointless. Average videos I make get oh few hundred hits at best and slowly grow over months and months. I do not see that changing till I lose weight and get back to where I was before the last 3 years happening in my life.

You ask what happened? Well I hit my goal of SRS, got raped, had a death threat lost everything I owned and even lived out of my car for awhile. I got so down in my life that even the might SRS could not pull me out. I was just not wanting to live in San Antonio and quit trying.

Yet as I look back I should have fought and made ammends and closes the gaps in my life instead of create new ones. Like my weight, losing friends and reverting to drinking amoungst other things. For what was the purpose of all those? Honestly it was a way for me to make myself feel worse. I did it because I wanted to feel sorry for myself and others as well.

I shouldn't have done that and in doing so I did lose it. Yet now I see what I did and I am chaning it. For one I have applied to 6 schools in Seattle. From the Univeristy of Washington to a Culinary School. So I am either going to make it in school and study to be Film Student or I am going to be going to school to be a Chef.

Either way I am going to be happy both are passions of mine. One is guranteed success that is as a Chef. Film is a harder road one that can lead to fame and fortune beyond my dreams. Yet sometimes you need to take the slower road and get a steady job going so you can fulfill the larger dream. So I think Culinary School will prevail so I can put money back and go to School full time.

That and who know's maybe I will end up on TV anyways as a Chef. I know that Iron Chef is always looking for Combants and Bobby Flay is always welcoming a Throw Down. Eh that would be fun. But maybe just maybe Hell's Kitchen will come a'calling and I will be on there and have the firey melt down so many people think will happen with Gordon Ramsey. Now thats a dream. Don't ya think?

Michelle

Youtube Page: http://youtube.com/aikira21

Heading back into old habits. That scares me, really, really scares me! Three years ago I was a total drunk. I was drinking every day from noon to I went to bed. Be it at a party or just because I didn't want to think about that day what ever the reason I was just drinking to forget about my life and how much it sucked.

Now I am hitting that roadblock again. I have no friends and the ones I do have rarely can make plans or do anything. It is like I am hitting my head on a brick wall hoping to find someone that can help me out of this rut. Truthfully I have given up. With my life in shambles from the no job to no money and literally no Friends it is just a fact of life.

As pathetic as this sounds I am fighting all sorts of demons. From weight and how I have only my boyfriend really helping. To the one's said above it is just hard to stay positive when there are so many different negatives hitting at once. I can not support myself nor can I do much else to help. What ever the reason I am done in so many ways.

I have to more than likely find a new place to live in a few months two actually. I am not losing weight nor am I happy with where I am in life. So here is that moment where all I want to do is drink my life into shambles again. The bottle just makes life a little easier it doesn't change a thing. I just have to hold hope that something can help me change this.

For now this is just a memo in a long line of depression listed crap in my life.

Michelle