but apparently i care...

i mean really it was stupid of me to even think of it

but it happened,

and now you've all decided to agree

i guess i never really had you guys on my side

thanks

fuck

 so this is the third blog i have written....dont know what my problem is really....(sometimes/all the time) i feel horrible about the things ive said about people who have hurt me in some way...and in turn i may have hurt them.....those include whyt...austin....and yes..even Mr. Dearborn...i cant really explain why i do that...but its gotta stop...must hold my tongue...i think alot of it has to do with showing other people i dont like someone...why that matters im really not sure....1)whyt--she was my best friend for over six years...and i dont know why we dont talk...she just decided to tell her cousin that i sent her fucked up emails and she never wrote back...thats why i still have the invitation to go down to stay with her through res life at bowdin right?? ya... 2) austin--we had a shitty relationship but i think it was only because we werent meant for one another...granted we both thought we were IN LOVE, maybe we just "loved" each other...and i (for the most part i dont remember the exact words) quote him "its said that we have a 'false love' before we find our real love" apparently we both thought wrong with rach and devin...cuz i think we were eachothers 'false love'  we had fun at first but we had our hard times and im sorry for saying all that crap...i was hurt but there was no need for that.....3)Mr. D....i know he has it in for me...seeing as though im the "spawn of my father" whom of which he called the devil...haha anyway i feel bad for saying all that crap about him too cuz he is an ok teacher i just dont think he likes to help me...whatever....

ok so im sorry for everything...i had a very long discussion with Kevin one night and now i realize that i need to change who i am on the outside to who i am on the inside none of this two way bull crap....i dont like two faced people and thats what im being to myself so im done with that...so in other words im trying to become a better person...the person i want to be and im gonna do it...i thank you Kevin... and Slim and everyone else who have somehow helped me become a better person....

OOOH...woot i got my prom dressy dress! uber excited...the end...

when is it right to bash an ex-lover who just happens to by your father in front of your child...(yes i do realize that may have sounded a little disgusting).  i dont see where my mother gets off thinking she can completely rag on my father TO ME about how he was never there and that hes worthless and will never wake up and blah blah blah....you know i ask her in the nicest way to stop talking to me about her issue with my father but she starts yelling at me saying this and that about how he sucks and so on...in Ruby's nonetheless!.....ya i love her shes my mother but she has NO right doing that....gah! STRESS! and she wonders why i dont like to talk to her....i went through that whole bad relationship and i get another boyfriend 6 months later and shes on my ass about how it better not be the same because SHE'S not going through that again and that SHE was so hurt and SHE was the one "victimized" oh fuck that shit....i dont fucking think so....my relationship...MY problems not hers....gah....

ok on a lighter note...baby showers are great...i want a kid someday...not now too young but babys are great too.....i dont know whatever its too late to be thinking rationally so....love you all............

So ya...im not really sure what the heck im doing right now..im tired but yet not...well ash stayed the night last night..and blogged about her deranged stupid ass fucker that doesnt deserve her at all...shes too good for him...haha i hope that make you feel better ashley!

Kevin came over and such after i went all the way to Linneus past Houlton to eat yucky food squished in the back seat of a truck with my dad's family..ya thats what i call fun! right...but he made it all better! then maggie and brandon came over that wasnt as bad as i thought it would be...wow...anyway so ya then my mom and dennis got in a bickerment haha new word and stuff so we left and hung out i love him..hehe well...duh....haha

so im totally thinking about doing miss caribou and stuff ive got my dress designed for my walk and i want to sing and play acoustic to Lucky by Bif Naked...im really really really really thinking about it...to tell the truth maggie kinda made me think about it a lot more..then kevin and brandon helped too but dennis said id probly make a fool out of myself but whatever i probly would...ok J'AI FINI!

well ok maybe not....so ya im like really wanting to see the spill canvas in concert..random...

ok well im tired, my butt hurts, and im eating ice cream! hehe im done i guess hehe i loveyou kevin...

well...today one of my best friends left for college..well kinda...last night was uber fun cuz we hung out with chunk and stuff and raised hell for one last spontaneous time...im gonna miss her so damn much....goshdarnit i already do. i mean i heard from her today and all but i still miss her terribly.....and now i feel as tho maybe now that our triangle as been severed that now slim will find new "best" friends...and leave me out...and i dont want to do that to her but if she does than that leaves me no choice really...cant be best friends if one person doesnt feel that way too... well now i suppose im done with the sadness part...for now..so ill go to bed and pray she is safe and missing us as much as we miss her....if you read this Kreamy Potato....i love you so much..you and slim are the best friends ive ever had in my life....through the short time we've been such good friends youve helped me through the toughest times of my life...and i thank you so very much...i love you both....good night