The Queen of Internet Pancakitude sent me, via email, a link to a website wherein one can write a farewell message to the current presidential administration, and I felt strongly enough about it that I didn't even need to stop and decide whether I wanted to participate — the second I saw what they were doing, I said, "I am All. Over. This."

Due to my tenuous financial situation, I initially thought I would send about a million bad words to the man in charge, ending with "And don't let the door hitcha where the good lowered splitcha," but there was a word limit of 200 per submission.

So I had to start cutting bad words out of my diatribe, which was very difficult for me, because the war, in and of itself, makes me feel as though I need at least 750 to 1000 words, most of them being "asshole" or derivatives thereof.

Ultimately, I decided that I might, possibly, create more of an impact if I stayed perfectly calm whilst still retaining an air of complete and utter contempt, and I feel that my final submission carries that sentiment appropriately, yet consists of enough easy words that he can read it all the way through without any help from his wife or mommy.

I was going to reprint it here, but it was accepted, so I'd far rather have you go to the site, read it there, comment on it if you're so inclined ...

... and write your own.

Here's mine.

If One of Us Has to Be Out of Work ...

To those of you who think I am wrong, of course I am. The rule of thumb is that everyone's politics (and driving skills, religion, and chili recipe) is wrong and your own is the only correct ideology in the universe. Click the little X in the corner. It's not worth wetting your big kid pants over.

Insomnia plus lack of inspiration = dememe-ing a meme.

I ganked this from Fergie, the Duchess of Win. That was before I realized how bloody long it is. And yet, somehow, it was still easier than trying to think of a single topic and write something meaningful that people would be interested in reading.

No one is tagged, and if someone else tagged you, reading mine renders you immune from doing theirs.

1. If you had to delete one person off of your top friend's list, whom would it be?
   Please; it's myspace. I don't know most of the people who begged me to let them be my friend in the first place. I'm so popular. I'm, like, Kevin Federline or something, except I don't go around planting sperm in women who make more money than me like some kind of Johnny Boytoyseed.
2. Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. You ...
   ... wish for a stick and a marshmallow.
3. Your best friend tells you she is pregnant. What is your reaction?
   Since she had a hysterectomy a few years ago, I'd react about the same as if they had actually found any weapons of mass destruction in all the places they looked: I'd probably say, "Nice trick, that. Who planted it?"
4. Name one thing no one can ever take away from you?
   You can have my brownie recipe when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.
5. When is the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
   Dear Mary-Kate Olson: if a masseuse doesn't have enough sense to call an ambulance when someone is unresponsive, but calls you instead, hey, do you think you could call one? Because Heath Ledger needed "security guards" about as much as a car crash victim needs a Scientologist. In short — pow.
6. What is the last thing you spent money on?
   Schnecken. Not snails, but pastry, for those of y'all who are goyishe-köpfen.
7. Who is the most attractive female on your myspace friends list?
   Amy Winehouse.
8. What is the last thing you ate that had onions in it?
   I put a slice of onion on my burger last night.
9. Do you think you gained or lost weight this past month?
   Gained. Totally not taking care of myself. Totally past caring. It's cold. If you're leaving the house, don't come back without cookies or I might have to lock you outside.
10. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos?
    Definitely crunchy. They're a little overcheesy, I grant you, but I like the texture better.
11. If you had to sleep with one of your teachers from high school, who would it be?
    Mr. O. Not now. He's old now. But he was young then. And taught me a lot about creative writing. And wore awesome aftershave.
12. The first person on your friends list just called you a bitch. What do you have to say to them?
    "Suck my dick." (You haven't seen "bitch" yet. Get me started. I want you to.)
13. Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
    Lawrence Cohen, but we'd call him Chunk.
14. What are you craving right now?
    Cigarettes. Always cigarettes. No, I haven't succumbed. Not even one puff, in all this time. But I still dream about them.
15. What was the last thing you cried about?
    I don't remember. Probably a touching commercial. I'm emo like that.
16. Say something humorous.
    "I couldn't afford poop if it went down to a penny a push." It's a funny sentiment anyway, and all the Ps make it sound funnier.
17. When you buy something and the change is 2¢, do you keep it or tell the cashier to keep it?
    I give her 3¢ extra and, when she looks confused, I say, "Just key it in. It's magic." Then she sees that she has to give me back a nickel and she's all "Oh, wow, cool."
18. What color is your tissue box?
    Peach, with a swirly white design.
19. Do you have a ceiling fan in your room, and if so, is there dust on that fan?
    No; we have a dusty oscillating fan, which shouldn't count.
20. What is the last voice mail you received about?
    Thanking me for updating him on his order status. Not my job, but he called me, and I don't pass the buck — I solve the problem.
21. Have you ever blocked someone on Myspace before?
    Yes.
22. Do you have six-pack abs?
    I presume they're under there somewhere.
23. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
    Oh, you know, my dad, hot, can't breathe, blah blah ICUcakes.
24. Do you wear a name tag at work?
    I should. Then I wouldn't have to have conversations like this one ...
    Coworker: Hi, Sharon.
    Me: Hi, George.
    Coworker: My name's not George!
    Me: Then we're even ... mine's not Sharon.
25. What kind of car do you drive?
    I own a Neon but who the hell wants to gas up two cars these days, especially if one has arthritis in one's neck that makes driving painful and a little dangerous? That Man of Mine is supposed to drive me wherever I want to go, which tends to translate into my going wherever he wants to drive me.
26. What do you order when you go to Taco Bell?
    Gorditas when they're available; otherwise, I like just the cheapie hard tacos.
27. Have you ever had a garage sale?
    I've never had a garage to sell stuff out of (my parents have one, but the stuff in it was all theirs, not mine).
28. What color is your iPod?
    It is pink. I am, too, a badass punk. Shut up.
29. What is the last alcoholic beverage you had?
    I had a Scottish stout the other night that did not suck.
30. Are you happy right now?
    I'm actually kind of bummed, but this, too, shall pass.
31. Who came over last?
    We haven't had company since last Thanksgiving. The Mom was here; so was Quin.
32. Do you drink beer?
    Not as much as I used to. It's my favorite alcoholic beverage, but the alcoholic beverages are few and far between when I have to take counter-indicated medications.
33. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
    No one could ever have gotten away with it. I resemble both of my parents too closely to be anyone's but theirs.
34. What is your favorite key chain on your keys?
    I have a lot of adorable key rings, but I don't keep any keys on most of them. That's the best way to ruin an adorable key ring. That said, the key ring I do keep my keys on has a bottle opener on it, in case I need to open anything besides a door, and I also clipped on a pink Sharpie mini in case I ever need to jot anything down. Yes, I do have black Sharpie minis; yes, I put a pink one on my keys anyway; did I mention, shut up?
35. What was the last movie you watched at home?
    We watched Ocean's Eleven, one of those movies I had begged That Man of Mine to watch with me and he had fought me because he had forgotten I've never steered him wrong when it comes to films I know he'll love. He now says he never said he wouldn't watch that, and when can we see Ocean's Twelve and Thirteen?
36. What is in your pocket?
    I'm in sweats. No pockets.
37. Who introduced you to your bf/gf/husband/wife?
    I guess my old job did, sort of. We serviced his company's computer system. He called on a software issue; I walked him through the fix; he mentioned he liked golf; I told him a golf joke (not even an original one — I stole it from Lewis Grizzard), and he called my boss later that day and asked him if he (boss) would have a problem with his (the man who would be That Man) pursuing me socially. My boss said it was okay with him before either one of them checked with me.
38. Where do you hurt?
    Where don't I? I have fibromyalgia and it's flaring right now. Why am I up, living my life, getting stuff done, and functioning in society? Because I'm not one to lie down and whine, even when, physically, I'd like nothing more than to do just that.
39. Has someone ever made you a Build-A-Bear?
    As sweet as I think the concept is, if someone were to spend that much money on a freaking stuffed animal I don't want when I have other, more practical needs (not to mention other, less practical but more desirable just-plain-wants), I'd have to say that person didn't know me well enough to be buying me anything at all. For good or bad, the issue has never arisen.
40. What DVD is in your DVD player?
    Digging for the Truth. Stop yelling at the computer. I know you think I'm a geek.
41. What's something fun you did today?
    As I write this, it's 4:21 am. The most fun I've had so far was finally deciding sleep was a washout and getting up to put the coffee on.
42. What is your favorite aisle at Wal-Mart?
    My favorite aisle in any store is generally the one with the books, but Walmart's book selection, at least the one in our local store, is woeful at best. I would have to say kitchen gadgets and appliances.
43. When is your birthday?
    April 6th, the day before the Duchess of Win, coincidentally.
44. Is there anything hanging from your rear view mirror?
    Not at the moment. I need a new air freshener.
45. How many states in the US have you been to?
    I've been through a lot of them, but been to, as far as it being a stopping point of sorts (other than for fuel, food, or "for cure-iced's sake, pull it over before I pee on the seat"), eighteen.
46. What kind of milk do you drink?
    I'm allergic, so soy, mostly. Occasionally, I'll pop a Benadryl and drink the real thing (whole, two-percent, or lowfat chocolate).
47. What are you going to do after this?
    I might as well shower and get to work on my weekendy stuff.
48. What about your favorite dessert?
    Cake with buttercreme frosting. It used to be almost exclusively a fondness for layer cake, but since I discovered Heidi, I've cultivated a joy in cupcakes. It strengthens the bonds between us.
49. What is something you need to go shopping for?
    The only things I shop for lately, with intention to buy, is groceries and staples. I browse, window-shop, and wish, a lot. I may, if I'm feeling frivolous enough today, update my Amazon wish list, which is a fun way to indulge without spending one cent.
50. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
    I'm named for my great-grandfather (a delightful gentleman known as Grrrampa because of his Scottish burr), but since I'm female, even he and I don't have names exactly identical.
51. What kind of car do your siblings drive?
    My brother drives an Audi.
52. Do you like pickles?
    Soak any veg in brine and give it to me. I'm not limited to cucumbers. I like sweet mix (favorite bit to fish out first: cauliflower); giardinera (preferably the really variegated jar including olives and chunks of fennel); and those cherry peppers stuffed with a chunk of cheese wrapped in Parma ham. Incidentally, I do indeed like pickled okra, but I have to be careful of it, because home recipes often contain powdered alum and I'm allergic to aluminum compounds.
53. Is someone in love with you?
    Other than That Man of Mine, I don't think so, which is just as well. I can't handle more lovin' than that. The boy's crazy about me. (Dear Hugh Jackman: I'm so sorry. It can never be. We belong to others and I really only like you when you're done up as Wolverine.)
54. What color is your couch?
    Black. The love seat matches. It was the Age of Tackiness. I need new furniture. Let us not speak of this again.
55. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member?
    Not only do I get mistaken for my own family members, but once at a gathering at my father-in-law's, someone mistook me for one of my sisters-in-law. Scarily, the sister-in-law in question is That Man of Mine's twin sister. You didn't know he was a twin, did you? That's why I meme, people.
56. Does someone like you right now?
    You mean, like, LIKE like? Other than That Man? I don't think so. (Dear Hugh Jackman: Stop calling me. Seriously. I'm beginning to feel a little silly.)
57. Say you were given a pregnancy test right now. Would you pass or fail?
    I guess it would depend on what you consider to be a failing grade. If I were trying to have a baby, I'd fail. If I were still a panicky high-schooler, I'd pass. Mom, give it up. The statute of limitations expired at least ten years ago.
58. Favorite Pop-Tart flavor?
    French Toast.
59. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
    Yes, but I'm not in touch with them.
60. What are your plans for the weekend?
    I am, not to be a whiner, in a considerable amount of pain. I will go to the post office, the supermarket, and possibly Sam's Club, then I will come home and do laundry and write, and that will be absolutely it.
61. Do you like the color green?
    I love green. Not only is it a very relaxing, easy color, but it suggests freshness to me, plus it's ingrained in my subconscious as being a positive influence (green means go). About the only shade of green I don't like is avocado, which would be fine in and of itself if it would stick to coloring the fruit and stay away from clothing, wall paint, and retro cookware and appliances.
62. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
    I never check my texts because I don't use that feature. If someone sent me a text message, it was in error. If you sent me a text, email me; I'm far more likely to respond when I can type with all fingers as opposed to trying to hold onto a wee phone and manipulate tiny keys with only my thumbs.
63. Last restaurant you went to:
    We went to Texas Roadhouse the other night. They have such lovely steak fries.
64. How many hours did you sleep last night?
    I managed three straight; dozed fitfully on and off till about 4 am, then gave up.
65. Do you swear at your parents?
    I don't tend to swear at them, as such, but I do swear around them. I have a potty mouth.
66. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
    I can only presume that you are, since you're reading this. Other than that, probably not. (Hugh, please. You're just embarrassing yourself, now. Move on.)
67. Have you ever changed your clothes while in a vehicle?
    Full, top-to-bottom, naked bits exposed changing? No. Putting on a skirt and wriggling out of my jeans under it? More times than I can count.
68. What is your ring tone?
    A bell, like an old fashioned dialing phone. Not that it matters. I usually have the ringer shut off. I do not live my life attached to a cell phone. It's stressful to do so for professional calls, and rude to do so for personal calls.
69. What were you doing at midnight last night?
    Trying to fall asleep.
70. What was the last movie you saw in the theater?
    Holy crap, do you actually expect me to remember that far back? I think it was Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Hello, Daniel's Space readers ... if you see this at his page, please know that he is a plagiarist and that I, Golf Widow, am the actual author of this post.

I claim this blog in the name of the planet Technorati Profile.

I was not tagged. But neither was I inspired to write anything else, so this is basically meant to immunize anyone who got tagged and doesn't feel like doing it.

Five Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why holding hands with someone big enough to protect you has to be so damned uncomfortable.
2. Why I crave all the foods that are really bad for me.
3. Why the same people never trust me to come through when I've proven over and over to them that I am not only capable of doing what they need, but awesome at it.
4. Baseball cards, to anyone over the age of ten who doesn't ride a bicycle.
5. Sarah Silverman.

Five Things, Other Than Money, I Wish I Had More Of:

1. Free time.
2. Space, particularly storage and kitchen.
3. Peace of mind.
4. Stuff that beeps.
5. Clothing that was manufactured in the past five years.

Five Least Favorite Words or Phrases:

1. "Someday."
2. "I promise."
3. "We don't have any record of that."
4. "We're out of stock."
5. "Git-er-dun."

Five Famous People I've Spoken With in Person:

1. Arlo Guthrie.
2. Wynton Marsalis.
3. Rex Fowler and Neal Shulman (counts as one because they are Aztec Two-Step and I met them together).
4. Paula Poundstone.
5. Deni Bonet (I'm claiming her now because by this time next year, she will be famous and you guys will feel really stupid for having said you never heard of her).

Five Things I Do Nearly Daily That I Don't Enjoy:

1. Get out of bed.
2. Work for that company that I don't work for. Explanation: I am their client, but their support is so bloody useless that I am, in essence, purchasing ingredients, walking into their restaurant, going back to their kitchen, preparing my own meal, cleaning up after myself, then having to tip them.
3. Take a lot of pills.
4. Try to figure out where to get some money.
5. Crave cigarettes.

Five Things I Wish I Had The Chance To Do More Often:

1. Sit and read without being disturbed.
2. Travel.
3. Buy stuff.
4. Take naps in the middle of the day.
5. Eat Cadbury Cream Eggs.

Five Things I Have Actually Done that Sound Like Lies:

1. Drank nearly an entire fifth of gin by myself.
2. Used a computer with zero memory. (There was a time, young people, when, if you didn't insert a tape or a diskette into a computer and type in a command, you lost everything you'd been working on when the computer was turned off. Ask your parents.)
3. Wrote a book.
4. Ate alligator. It tasted like chicken.
5. Told a cop who had pulled me over that he might as well make the ticket round trip, because the only reason I was speeding was that I had to pee, and I still had to pee, so I was planning on speeding all the way home. (I got off with a verbal warning.)

Five People I Hope Will Fill This Out:

1. Drew Carey.
2. Michael Stipe.
3. Jim Calhoun.
4. Howard Hesseman.
5. Lewis Carroll.